Salvation
by infinite vertigo
Summary: AU "What's this?" "Tapes of reasons for why Deidara found it so hard to keep living." After a failed suicide attempt by Deidara, all Sasori has to understand why and salvage him is a bundle of tapes... that he isn't supposed to have. SasoDei
1. to sasori no danna

**.disclaimer: don't own.**

**.warning : this story will contain suicide attempt(s), starting with this chapter ; not a light story.**

_**.chapter one : to sasori no danna.**_

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><p><em>"My time has come, and so I'm gone. To a better place, far beyond. I love you all as you can see. But it's better now, because I'm free."<em>

_****-Traci Kornhauser****_

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><p><em><strong>10:57 PM, November 17<strong>_

As long as Sasori had known Deidara, the blonde was always a happier person than he was.

Sasori was the one that wanted to spend every night at home and brood about something; Deidara was the one that dragged him out. When they were little and in kindergarten, Sasori was the one that colored with dark crayons and Deidara used bright colors. Sasori smiled so rarely and fleetingly, and Deidara seemed to smile eternally, an ironic contrast to their views on art.

So to be in the hospital and to have a doctor tell _Sasori_ that _Deidara_ was the one that just almost took his own life was so _wrong_.

_"Akasuna-san, your friend tried to commit suicide with a strong intention of succeeding. As you know, he lost a large amount of blood from self inflicted cuts on his wrists. We also discovered a high level of alcohol in his system as well as several sleeping pills. We will be keeping him under surveillance and suggest he be transferred to a psychiatric ward once deemed fit to leave here."_

Sasori felt chills run through his body at the words. This was so wrong; why would _Deidara_ of all people do this? He heard murmurs behind him and felt the strong hand of Hoshigaki Kisame on his shoulder; all of their friends were here. He felt so numb and the words sounded so distant. He heard them but they weren't registering; he just couldn't believe that this was the truth. The minute Deidara was rushed off to surgery and he was in the waiting room, he called everyone. He only said one word, which was 'hospital', but the tone of his voice was enough reason for them to drop whatever they were doing and rush over.

"Sasori, you should wash your hands," came a voice from behind him that he recognized as Zetsu. The words were blunt but he heard the worry and gentleness in the tone. Looking down at his hands, Sasori grimaced as he saw blood all over his hands and sleeves; some even on his shirt for when he discovered his best friend on the edge of a bathtub, the water red and murky. His mind instantly went into panic mode and anything he learned about making sure a scene was safe and crap went right out the window; he immediately grabbed the blonde, applied pressure to the cuts that would eventually make him puke in the hospital bathrooms, and dialed for help. His brain wasn't able to keep up and it was only now that every emotion was drowning him. When he first saw Deidara, all he felt was numbness; pure numbness. He felt nothing, he comprehended nothing; fear was vaguely recognized but it was as if everything he was doing was in a haze. But now, at the hospital, everything was clear as day and it almost physically pained him to think back.

_Why?_

He felt numb as Kakuzu pushed him gently and they walked together towards the nearest bathroom. Sasori was known to be able to solve any question within seconds of hearing it, but here was one problem that he just couldn't figure out, no matter from what perspective he approached it. A freshman in college, he deduced, should be vibrant and full of life. True, their gang of eleven (nine freshmen and two juniors) wasn't a ray of sunshine, but they weren't depressed. They agreed that life was a rather depressing situation to be in most of the time, but they certainly never talked about _ending_ it.

And to make it worse, he had known Deidara since they were six. They had met at kindergarten and immediately bonded when they realized their drawings were far superior to the other six year olds'. Their relationship was never peaceful and friendly; they always bickered and fought, but that didn't stop them from becoming best friends. They had grown so close over these last few years; Sasori just couldn't believe how he had missed something so huge. Deidara had to have been showing signs and he couldn't believe how _stupid_ he was to miss them all.

"Why would he do this?"

Kakuzu looked at Sasori in surprise as the redhead began to scrub his hands furiously with the soap until they became red. His hands hovered in front of the red sensor for a few moments before a stream of clean water came out and he rinsed his hands, keeping them under the warm water far longer than necessary. His eyes bore into those of his reflection; his mind was obviously elsewhere. Kakuzu watched Sasori; it almost pained him to see how vulnerable and broken he seemed. The dark eyes of the other man blinked and softened, looking away. "…I really don't know."

"Why didn't he tell me?"

"Don't blame yourself," he glanced at Sasori again, who shook his hands lightly and left the sink to hit the button on the hand drier irritably. As he absentmindedly dried his hands, the same vacant look was in his brown eyes. He was shaking, Kakuzu noticed, and his eyes looked so fearful. He didn't blame him; if he went to Hidan's apartment to see him almost dead, he would be reacting the same way. He couldn't even begin to imagine that kind of pain and fear of losing the person closest to you; he didn't even want to try to imagine it.

Without warning, he heard a fist collide with the bathroom wall and the sounds of the tiles cracking. He looked at Sasori and wasn't surprised to see him breathing heavily, the fist still pushed against the dent in the wall. He sighed and looked away, crossing his arms. He had a feeling he knew what the reason for Deidara's attempt was but he also knew Deidara would murder him if he told Sasori. All he could hope was that the redhead would figure it out on his own. Sasori was undoubtedly blaming himself for what happened and Kakuzu was more than certain that he couldn't be blamed; even if he did have to do with it, Sasori would not have been the catalyst. Because as far as Kakuzu knew, Sasori was one of the best things that Deidara thought ever happened to him.

"Come on, let's go fix up your hand," Kakuzu pushed himself off the wall and motioned towards the door. After a moment, Sasori walked towards it and yanked it open with his good hand, leaving a trail of droplets of blood from his other hand. Kakuzu carefully navigated it around it and followed his friend through the hospital corridors as they made their way back to the waiting room. As Sasori heard his shoes tap against the clean floor and the smell of a hospital overwhelm him, his mind replayed the scenario that he was sure to remember for the rest of his life…

_**Seven hours earlier, 3:03 PM, November 17**_

_"Brat? Don't keep me waiting!" Sasori yelled and kicked the door to Deidara's apartment. He scowled when he heard no response and checked his cell phone. He and Deidara had decided to go out and watch a movie tonight and Sasori was to pick his friend up at 3:00 so they would have ample time to walk over to the theatre. It was Friday and they had just had tests in almost all of their classes, resulting in a weekend free of homework. They decided to take advantage of this by going to the theatre and talking about the lack of artistic talent during the production; it was one of their favorite things to do together._

_ What was strange was that Deidara was late; he, as Akasuna Sasori's best friend, was well aware of the fiery temper and the consequences. He would never be late unless for a good reason and because of that, Sasori gave Deidara an extra two and a half minutes before he would leave. But it had been about three minutes and Sasori's patience, even the extra for Deidara, was diminishing quickly. He scowled and pulled out his phone, his mind already coming up with several scathing remarks to make when Deidara did finally opened his door. _

_ But when he read the text on the rectangular screen, all anger and annoyance dissipated immediately._

Danna:

Goodbye and thank you for everything.

–Deidara

_It took Sasori exactly four seconds to regain sense in his body. He took a step back and kicked the door open, ignoring the curious heads peeking out of the surrounding apartments. As he ran into the dimly lit apartment, he looked for any signs of the blonde hair, hoping that the text was a sick joke. He wanted nothing more than for the bright smile to appear and apologize; he wanted absolutely nothing more than to beat him up. As his head snapped to his left and right, his eyes widened desperately, hoping to see him. With each passing second, he was beginning to feel more lightheaded and he felt he was going to pass out any minute now. But still, he forced himself to run through the small apartment, the adrenaline fueling him._

_ "D-Deidara! Where the hell are you?"_

_ No answer came, causing Sasori's heart to constrict. After all the other rooms, he immediately turned to the bathroom, cursing himself for not noticing the light on in the closed door. He rattled the doorknob and immediately rammed his shoulder into the door; the pain barely registered in his current hazy state. When the door flew open, he was sure he was just going to collapse._

_ It took Sasori twelve seconds to tear his eyes away from the scene and move again._

_ The first thing he saw was the phone left on the sink. The screen was still lit up, giving Sasori hope as he slowly forced his gaze to focus on the limp body slouched over the edge of the white bathtub. It was filled to the brim with water; warm water, Sasori deduced when he saw the right wrist completely submerged in it. The left arm cushioned his face, but the blood from the wounds still ran down the side and the knife was still loosely grasped by the fingers. The face was too peaceful; he looked like he was sleeping. It was when it registered in Sasori's mind that Deidara had lost a lot of blood did he move towards him. Besides the expanding puddle of the red substance on the floor, soaking anything in its way, the water was far too red for Sasori's liking._

_ "B-brat?" Sasori's trembling legs brought him to right where Deidara was; he still hadn't pulled out his phone in hope that this was a prank. As his hand touched Deidara's face, the younger male made a soft sound and Sasori strained to hear it. Everything seemed to be echoing in Sasori's mind and a much softer sound, but Deidara's voice cut through everything and was clear as day._

_ "D-danna… thank… you for… everything…"_

_ And that was when it really registered in his mind and he whipped out his cell phone and dialed the police, holding it to his face with his shoulder as he grabbed the nearby towel and pressed it to the wrists. White and black seemed to flash before his eyes and he was trembling as he tried to apply pressure to stop any further blood loss. Before the phone was answered and the towel covered the blood, his eyes saw the deep slashes on the pale skin, blood erupting from the wounds. They were sharp and jagged; it pained Sasori to just think about how he had inflicted these._

_ "Hello, you've reached 110."_

_ "H-hello? I need an a-ambulance now, my friend just tried to k-kill himself… oh God, send a fucking ambulance n-now!"_

**11:13 PM, November 17**

"So can we see him now or what?"

All eyes looked up at Pein's voice, riveting to a young nurse holding a clipboard. Sasori blinked; he recognized her as Haruno Sakura. Last year when he was still in high school, he often heard jokes that she would be his successor as valedictorian. Other than that he never really spoke to her; she was smart and studious but, unlike him, seemed to be bubbly. They occasionally crossed paths, usually when called to the principal's office for some academic achievement. She seemed pleasant enough but right now she could probably either crush or give Sasori the hope he desperately needed.

"One person," she glanced down at the clipboard and hugged it to her chest, her green eyes darting around before finally landing on Sasori, "Akasuna-san, I think Iwa-san would like to see you the most. And… I'm sorry."

"Tell him we're worried for him, all right?"

Sasori nodded numbly as Kakuzu finished bandaging his hand and he stood up, following Sakura as she led him through the quiet hospital. She was silent during the journey and he was grateful for that; the last thing he wanted was for someone to try to console him, saying stupid lies like "I know how you must feel." Because very few people could say that to Sasori; he was positive that no one would be able to imagine the pain to find your best friend of thirteen years almost dead.

As they approached his room, Sasori's heart seemed to pound harder and he clenched his fists, ignoring the pain that shot through his bandaged one. What was he going to say? He had so many questions but he knew Deidara wouldn't provide nearly enough answers. Sasori remembered learning about depression in psychology; he had read about it several times in many other classes, as well as suicide. It had all seemed so far off, like he would never have to deal with it. But now he had to and it was so surreal; he still couldn't believe this was happening.

"He's in here. He's awake now but doesn't seem to want to talk. If you need anything, just press the red button next to his bed." Sakura had stopped in front of a door and looked at Sasori expectantly.

Sasori nodded quietly again and entered the room, hearing Sakura walk away after a few moments. As the door slowly closed behind him quietly, he froze to his spot and stared straight ahead at Deidara, feeling like it was déjà vu all over again. He wasn't used to seeing Deidara quiet and sullen; he was used to seeing him grinning and being overly obnoxious.

He was sitting up in the bed and seemed to be picking at the bandages around his wrists, the clean white stained by dark crimson. His head was bowed down so strands of blonde hair obscured his face from view and he made no effort to look who had entered. Sasori crossed the distance to the bed and pulled up a chair, sitting down in it and made the accident of looking at his wrist. Deidara had managed to unravel some of the bandages and he could see a pool of blood staining the crisp white hospital sheets. The angry cuts seemed even angrier than before; slashes that Sasori was sure would never completely fade away. It made his stomach lurch just to look at them and Deidara seemed to feel nothing as he stared at them.

"D—brat," he cleared his throat, switching to the nicknamed he had graced the blonde with back when they first met in hopes of making this awkward situation slightly more normal, "…You should leave those alone. They might get infected."

"Always blunt, danna," he heard a dry chuckle. But nonetheless, Deidara listened and rewrapped the bandages, covering the image that would haunt Sasori for weeks to come. They fell quiet and Sasori looked away. It didn't _feel_ any different. Aside from the fact that Deidara was in a hospital bed, it didn't feel like anything different. Sasori so desperately wanted to believe that nothing was wrong but when Deidara started talking, he was pulled back down to the reality that things had changed. "You know what sucks about all this, un?"

"That we missed the movie?" he tried to make a casual joke and heard a soft laugh.

Finally, Deidara straightened up and looked at Sasori. His blue eyes pierced through the dull and limp strands of his hair and with a shock, Sasori noticed how pale and emaciated he seemed suddenly. He remembered that Deidara did begin to eat less, but he assured him that it was because of stress and loss of appetite. Suddenly, he wanted to kick himself for being so moronic.

Those eyes, those baby blue eyes that usually twinkled looked _so_ empty. It was worse than anger and depression; it was like Deidara had absolutely nothing left in him. His eyes weren't vibrant with life anymore because there was no life left within him, and that scared Sasori so much.

"That I can't even kill myself right, un. Three different methods and they all fucking failed."

At the words, Sasori felt chills run through him. The venom lacing his voice, the cold and distant look, the clenched fists; they all made it seem as if he so badly wanted to die. He never even imagined Deidara was this unhappy with his life and suddenly he felt like a horrible friend; he could he have not seen it? Was he being oblivious and selfish? What did he do wrong?

"When I woke up and realized I was in a hospital, I just felt like such a loser, un." Deidara sighed and leaned over away from Sasori towards the small table to his left for the glass of water. Momentarily, Sasori saw the shirt move up slightly to reveal the pale skin of Deidara's hip interrupted by several cuts; some faded, some bright red. Instantly his heart lurched and he tore his eyes away, trying to pretend he never saw it. He would have never imagined that Deidara was self harming; it made this situation so much more surreal. Either he was good at hiding it or Sasori was the most stupid person to ever exist.

"Why… why didn't you tell me?"

He tore his gaze away from his hands on his knees and up to meet Deidara's slightly amused eyes, a soft half-smile tugging at the thin lips. There was a slight emotion to the eyes now; it was just pure, unadultered sadness that pulled at Sasori, knowing he couldn't do anything to alleviate that pain. He so badly wanted to make him feel better but Sasori had no idea what to do. He and Deidara were never particularly open with what they felt; all Sasori knew was that he wanted to fix things but he didn't know how to go about them.

"There's not much to tell, un. I don't want to be "fixed." I don't want you to change your view on me, I don't want false sympathy, I don't want to be treated any differently, un. I'm sorry you had to find out this way but…" Deidara paused and shrugged, tucking a few strands of hair behind his ears and ignoring the lone strands that escaped his fingers, "…it's the truth, un. I'm… I'm just sad, danna. That's the only way I can express it."

"Was it…"

"No," immediately, Deidara's voice cut in as soon as Sasori started asking his question. The two looked at each other and Deidara was the first to break the gaze and he sighed, closing his eyes, "It's not you, un. Don't blame yourself for this; if anything, you helped me to fight it, un. Really, danna. You… you did nothing wrong, un."

Sasori gripped the sheets tightly and bent down so his forehead touched the bed. Deidara glanced at him and smiled sadly, seeing the redhead shaking. Resisting the urge to put an arm around his shoulders, Deidara looked to his left and out the window, seeing only his reflection looking back because of the dark night outside. "Danna, maybe you should leave, un. It's not that I don't want to talk to you it's… I think we both need time. Talk to me tomorrow, all right?"

"…Yeah, that would probably be the best idea," Sasori murmured. He bit his lip as if he was going to say something else but decided against it and stood up, letting the chair scrape again the floor. He turned around and had his hand on the doorknob before pausing. He didn't turn around and Deidara wasn't looking at him, but he spoke anyway.

"…I don't know what I would do if I lost you, you know."

He heard a dry laugh, one laced with sadness. "…Thank you, danna. That means more than you know, un."

He left the room quietly and retraced his steps back to the waiting room, thoughts of his brief conversation with Deidara running through his mind. He felt that in one night Deidara had went through at least twenty years; he looked so much older and so much more cynical. He was beginning to wonder if the bubbly best friend he had known for more than a decade was even there anymore or if feelings of sadness have completely overwhelmed him.

And suddenly, he realized he wanted to change him back to how he was. He wanted to make him happy again and to prove to him that life was worth living; it would be hard considering he wasn't the happiest person either but he had long ago promised himself that since Deidara was his best friend, he would do anything he had to to make him happy. Maybe it wasn't his place, but he really thought that Deidara would eventually thank him.

"So how is he?" Hidan was the first to realize Sasori was back as he pushed himself off of Kakuzu who was acting as his pillow. He rubbed his eyes sleepily as Sasori sat down on the armrest of an empty chair, avoiding Hidan's gaze. The silver haired man seemed to understand and sighed, running his fingers through his slicked hair, causing a few strands to come down messily. "That fuckin' bad, huh? Damn…"

Sasori groaned and rested his forehead against his palms, pushing his hair back. He heard Hidan stand up and sink into the soft chair he was partially on. After a few moments, Hidan shifted his position and draped his arm over Sasori's shoulders; a slightly heavy but comforting weight that dissipated a miniscule amount of the confusion and anger within him.

"We're all shocked, you know. I know as his best friend you feel the worst, like you're the one that's supposed to save him from himself," Hidan started in a low voice and Sasori found himself clinging onto every word, hoping to find a glimmer of hope somewhere in his current morose world, "If you're being a dumbass and blaming yourself, don't. You can bitch at me because they're false words and empty promises, but trust me, you're going to keep hearing that. Don't even fucking _think_ about doing anything as stupid as that idiot did."

"…The first half of that was actually pretty child friendly."

"Just for you, Akasuna," he heard Hidan laugh and couldn't help but let a small smile tug at his own lips. He sighed and bowed his head further, squeezing his eyes shut. _Why did you do this? What happened to the person I used to know? Did I have anything to do with it?_

"Sleep, all right? You, out of all of us, need sleep. We'll go in and talk to him tomorrow. But close your damn eyes and sleep."

As he heard Hidan turn off the lights of the waiting room and wander back to where he was earlier, Sasori sank into the chair. The darkness suddenly felt suffocating as he tried to make him comfortable on the chair; in the darkness, all he could think about was Deidara. _Is this the darkness you imagine yourself in?_

It tore him apart, knowing that Deidara was so torn up, angry, and distressed and he couldn't do anything to help. And by not telling him, Sasori couldn't help but wonder why; was it because Deidara didn't trust him enough? Either way, it didn't matter to Sasori; all that seemed to matter was that he felt he was partially at fault. As the best friend he couldn't sense something was wrong; now that he thought about it, he did realize that Deidara opted out of going out with everyone and seemed to be more "tired" lately.

_I thought we were best friends._

They met when they were six and have been almost inseparable ever since. They got in fights all the time but they always resolved them. Through elementary school, middle school, and high school, they were always together. Sasori remembered endless nights of teaching Deidara the maths and sciences and Deidara in turn would drag Sasori away from his textbooks have fun. They had discovered their passions of art; Deidara was into sculpting and Sasori found an affinity for puppets. They had dealt with staring at couples in high school hallways and deciding they were disgusting and they would never swap spit that openly in the hallways.

They did date; just not each other. Deidara had a few short relationships and Sasori found himself involved in several flings and one night stands; at least one a week on average. Deidara laughed and called him a player but Sasori smirked and shrugged it off. Their friends had commented how it was ironic that reckless, loudmouth Deidara seemed to be more faithful than quiet, serious Sasori. But, currently, they were both single and perfectly fine with it. They both agreed they didn't need a relationship because those were just distractions.

_Where did it all fall apart?_

Deidara was loud. Deidara was short tempered. Deidara was bipolar. But he was also eternally optimistic, always finding something to be cheerful apart. So Sasori still couldn't believe that he had fallen into a pit of despair so deep that he honestly saw no way out. He was never one to pry and he knew he had to be delicate with Deidara right now, but he was dying to know. Not to satisfy his own curiosity; his own well being was the last thing on his mind. He wanted to know so he could help Deidara; it had taken years for Sasori to begin to trust people again and it was all because of Deidara. Now he had his chance to help him and he wouldn't blow it. But at the same time, he didn't want to keep pushing for answers and possibly tip him over the edge.

Sasori hated this damn couch; it was near impossible to get comfortable on it.

He growled softly and adjusted his position again, frowning. He couldn't block out his thoughts so he tried to delve into them. Sasori had an insanely high IQ and he would put it to use; he firmly believed that if he thought about it hard enough, he could come up with an answer. Because every problem has a root and a solution; he knew Deidara so well, Sasori was so sure he could find an answer. Because that was his job as the best friend, wasn't it? To help his best friend when in need?

_Will you let me help you?_

And so began a restless night of pretending to be fine when he felt everything he knew was falling apart.

**8:04 AM, November 18**

"Kakuzu. I need you to get something from my apartment, un. Do not ask, do not look, do not wonder; bring me the backpack as soon as possible."

Kakuzu was not happy. He was woken up about five minutes ago by Sakura; Deidara had relayed a message to her and said it was urgent. She snuck into the waiting room and gently shook him awake, telling him Deidara had requested him specifically. The black haired man groaned but obliged, avoiding the maze of bodies on the floor (when he went to sleep everyone was on a couch but when he woke up, at least half of them were sprawled out on the floor.)

And now he found out he was woken up because Deidara wanted his backpack.

If it weren't completely inappropriate, he would have threatened Deidara with death.

"Are you serious?"

"Dead serious, un."

"…That's not funny."

"Wasn't trying to be, un," Deidara shrugged, smirking, "Just… get that backpack. Don't look inside, un. I'm asking you because you're the only one who would listen to me." He noticed Deidara was fiddling around nervously with the bandages (fresh ones, he was pleased to see) and avoiding his gaze. Whatever was in this backpack was obviously important to him and, given the situation, probably relating to why he had done what he did.

"What about Sasori?"

"…There's something in there that danna absolutely can't see, un," he mumbled, his eyes still not looking at him. Kakuzu raised an eyebrow but decided not to question it. He gave a quiet 'sure' and turned around to head to Deidara's apartment, passing by Tobi. He had brushed shoulders with him and taken a couple of steps away before stopping and calling out to the other.

"Tobi."

"Yes, Kakuzu-san?" Tobi turned around and chirped, yet Kakuzu could hear the lack of energy. He couldn't help but smile slightly, seeing how even Tobi was depressed over this. There were very few people that would openly voice how worried they were but Tobi would do it for them. Because they weren't the type of friends to give flowers or balloons, but they would always care without words.

"…Cheer him up."

"Tobi always tries his best!" the black haired boy grinned and playfully saluted Kakuzu as he smirked and walked off. Tobi turned around and walked the last few steps to Deidara's room and pushed it open tentatively, his single red eye blinking. He nervously adjusted the eye patch over his other as he walked up to the chair by Deidara's bed and sat down. "…Senpai, Tobi is here to talk to you."

"…Oh God, un," Deidara glanced at him and groaned, pulling the covers over his head. "Tobi, I have absolutely no patience to deal with you today, un. Get lost." They were harsh words but Tobi knew he didn't mean them; he was getting used to Deidara's tactless remarks. He was abrasive but Tobi didn't mind; he looked up to Deidara and he knew he didn't mean most of what he said anyway. He wasn't afraid to be honest, though, a quality that Tobi appreciated.

"Senpai was the first person to stand up for Tobi. Because Tobi was always bullied for his pale skin and red eyes and senpai was always kind enough to beat people up that bullied Tobi. So for that, Tobi is very thankful he met you," he said in a small voice, smiling slightly, "And even now, after Tobi's eye was viciously attacked, senpai still stands up for Tobi even though senpai ended up in the hospital defending Tobi and his own eye was almost blinded."

"…Tobi, anyone with a brain would have stood up for you, un. Those guys had you pinned down and were about to gouge your damn eye out."

Tobi laughed softly and tugged at the sheets until Deidara's face was revealed. He was glaring at Tobi, like usual, but it was a softer glare. Not as angry but plenty annoyed; however, Tobi could see the gratitude. He hesitated before grinning widely and Deidara couldn't help but smirk. "…Thanks for coming, un."

"Oh, everybody's here!" Tobi brightened up, grinning when Deidara was actually nice to him, "Including Sasori-san! Is this…" Tobi's energy faltered and he frowned as Deidara's eyes widened and he looked away, "Is this… about Sasori-sa—"

"No," Deidara interrupted Tobi suddenly, looking away and flushing, "I-it's not, un. I don't care about anything anymore, so if you really want to, go ahead and tell danna, un. But don't give him the idea that I did this because of him because no one made me do this, un."

Tobi fell quiet and blinked a couple of times. "Tobi won't tell Sasori-san. But that's because Tobi believes it's something senpai has to tell him by himself. You know, senpai… Tobi would have been really sad if you were gone. Tobi looks up to you."

Deidara hesitated before turning to Tobi and immediately felt guilt clawing the inside of him. It was so weird to see Tobi quiet; the red eye was downcast and the bottom lip was trembling as he tried to keep himself from crying. The blonde sighed and smiled slightly, reaching a hand out to ruffle Tobi's hair; he'd never admit it but he had a certain soft spot for him. Ever since the first time Deidara stood up to the bullies harassing Tobi, the kid grew on him. Despite having the scare of going blind in one eye while standing up for Tobi, he'd never regret saving him that one afternoon.

"…Thanks, un," he grinned when Tobi looked up, "Sorry for worrying you, un."

"Senpai, you were really selfish, you know."

Deidara looked up in surprise; Tobi usually always spoke to him with a semi-polite tone and was always happy. He sounded angry this time and for once, Tobi actually did look quite angry. Not sad, not annoyed, but angry and for a split second Deidara actually was scared. Tobi had gone from sad and reflective to mad in three seconds flat and Deidara had absolutely no idea why. "…What are you talking about, un?"

"You tried to kill yourself! Tobi doesn't know what the reason was, but Tobi does know that senpai obviously didn't think about anything else! Because, senpai, you have a lot of people that care for you! Tobi cares for you and so do the rest of your friends! And Sasori-san, did you even think about him? Tobi doesn't know if he reciprocates your feelings, but he definitely cares for you! And what if you actually succeeded, senpai? What do you think Sasori-san would do then? He wouldn't just get over it; he might do something as stupid as you did! Just because you couldn't deal with _your_ pain, you hurt other people! Senpai, Tobi really cares for you and stuff, but right now, you just make Tobi so mad!"

Tobi broke off, huffing angrily, his cheeks pink from anger. He looked away and bit his lip; he hadn't really meant to blow up on Deidara like that, but sitting here he just couldn't hold it in. He was so scared when Sasori called them all to the hospital; Deidara was like his savior, like his idol. And he couldn't stand that he just wanted to end his life without considering what effect it would have on other people. "Senpai, Tobi looks up to you a lot. If… if you were gone, I don't know what I'd do," he said quietly.

Deidara was quiet for several moments and Tobi was worried he was going to strangle him. But then he heard a soft chuckle and when he looked up, Deidara was genuinely laughing. The smile seemed to brighten up his whole face and add color and Tobi couldn't help but smile in response; this was the person he knew and looked up to. Deidara sighed and looked at Tobi, folding his hands behind his head against the pillow. "You know, it's always weird when you make sense, un. I guess I was being selfish… wasn't I?"

"Yes, senpai! You were! So don't _ever_ do that again!" without a pause, Tobi bounded out of the chair and threw his arms around Deidara's neck, embracing the other in a very unwelcomed hug. Deidara tried feebly to kick Tobi off but since he was already laying down and Tobi was now on top of him, it proved to be impossible.

"Argh, Tobi, get the hell off of me, un! I don't want a damn hug this early in the morning!"

**9:53 AM, November 18**

"Here."

"What's this?"

"Tapes of reasons for why Deidara found it so hard to keep living."

Sasori had grudgingly went home about an hour ago. Sakura told everyone that tests would be run on Deidara and he would not be allowed to see anyone until later, so they all parted ways and returned home. No sooner had Sasori returned to his apartment before his doorbell rang, revealing Kakuzu with a half open backpack and a bundle of tapes in his hands.

Sasori's eyes widened as he looked up at Kakuzu. He took the tape and stared at them, seeing a crisply folded note beneath the rubber bands. He pried it out gently and opened it with shaking hands, his eyes running over the familiar script.

_To Sasori no danna,_

_ Please listen to these. I hope it'll all make sense._

_ Deidara_

"They're meant for you so I haven't listened to them," Kakuzu shrugged and zipped Deidara's backpack closed, glancing at the tapes, "But… I think you should. If you want to help him and understand him. The kid's more complicated than any of us dreamed of, as you probably know. …I care for him just as much as you do, so don't try to push any of us away, all right?" Tentatively, the taller man put a hand on Sasori's shoulder and smiled softly. "We almost lost him. We don't want to lose the other artist."

"…Thanks," Sasori nodded and closed the door as Kakuzu headed off towards the hospital to leave the backpack for Deidara. He walked over to his room and took out an old cassette player and fumbled around with the tape for a few moments before putting it in, and put the rest of them under his bed. It was outdated, true, but Sasori liked antique things. They gave a sense of worth and withstood the test of time. Frequently he would drag Deidara to an antique shop and make him spend hours there as Sasori looked at all the beautiful things for sale. Deidara, unfortunately, did not share the same passion and demanded they go to electronics stores with the latest gadgets.

He pulled out a pair of headphones and plugged it into the machine and sat on his bed. As he put them on his head, he hit play and closed his eyes, hearing a few crackly sounds before Deidara's voice began to occupy the silence.

_"Sasori no danna, I hope you're the one listening to this, un. These are meant for you and you only because if you're listening to these, I sure as hell better be gone. I feel you are the only one that deserves a kind of explanation and I want to thank you for being my friend and I'm sorry to do this to you, un. It's not easy trying to explain this, so bear with me, danna. I've narrowed it down to six reasons and I sincerely hope you will keep listening and not throw these away and pretend I never existed…"_ as Deidara's voice began to occupy his mind, he closed his eyes and laid down onto his bed with his hands crossed behind his head.

It was hard to listen to it; it really was. Because the fact that Deidara made these only made it clearer that he was determined to succeed in his attempt. But Sasori knew he had to listen to these; because this would be his dying wish and Sasori would not deprive them of that.

_"So let me start out by saying this: don't blame yourself danna; absolutely do not blame yourself, un. So don't go off and jump off a bridge or something because then what I did would have been basically pointless; I don't want you to feel the same pain and confusion I felt. So here I go; I hope this all makes sense, un…"_

**Authors notes: There's a oneshot in 'Artistic Masterpieces' that is a shortened and altered version of this story. Initially I didn't know if I would be able to write a full length story so I wrote a oneshot (insanely long one), but this idea has been bugging me still so I decided to try it. I look forward to enjoy something that isn't in the romantic and humorous genre like everything else I've written. Thank you for reading, please review!**


	2. dying is easy, living is hard

**.disclaimer : don't own.**

_**.chapter two : "dying is easy, living is hard".**_

* * *

><p><em><em>"Death must be so beautiful. To lie in the soft brown earth, with the grasses waving above one's head, and listen to silence. To have no yesterday, and no tomorrow. To forget time, to forget life, to be at peace."<em>_

_**_-Oscar Wilde_**_

* * *

><p><strong>8:54 AM, November 19<strong>

"Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck," Deidara breathed as he rummaged around the closet in his hospital room. He knew he had tapes in the bag he requested Kakuzu to bring from his apartment. There was no way he would leave them unattended for however long they kept him here; he couldn't let Sasori find them and listen to them. Just the thought sent chills down his spine. It wasn't that Deidara didn't trust him; it was that he couldn't stand the idea of Sasori knowing just how weak and pathetic he really was. He didn't want pity and he didn't want sympathy; he wanted Sasori to see him as an equal, not a weak, fragile being that couldn't pull his damn act together.

When he had recorded himself, it was under the assumption that he would succeed. If he didn't, he would erase them and burn them because he didn't want Sasori to listen to all of that and judge him. If he did, then he would want Sasori to listen to them because he wanted him to know the truth. He wouldn't let Sasori live the rest of his life wondering "why?" and "what if?" He was selfish in wanting to kill himself, yes. But he wasn't that selfish as to punish Sasori for the rest of _his_ life.

But since he was alive, breathing, and fully functional, Sasori just _could not_ get his hands on those tapes. Because the only thing worse than failing a suicide attempt and forever straining his relationship with Sasori would be having Sasori look at him with pity for the rest of his life.

"Kakuzu, you motherfucker, un! Where the hell are the tapes in my bag?" Deidara growled into his phone as soon as it went through to voice message. "If you gave it to danna… you better run for your life, un!"

He sighed angrily and chucked his phone onto his bed, collapsing onto the ground and crossing his legs. Crossing his arms, he drummed his fingers against his arm impatiently, staring at the backpack, feeling dread all over him whenever he thought about Sasori being the one in possession in his tapes. He shivered and shook his head.

_No way, un. There's no way danna has them. Probably left them under my mattress or something…_ the blonde consoled himself and stood up, returning back to his bed. As he crawled in and pulled the covers over his head, he caught sight of the bandages on his wrist when his sleeve slid up slightly. An almost sick smile found its way to his lips and he closed his eyes, holding the wrist with his other hand.

_Who knew I'd turned out so fucked up?_

**8:54 AM, November 19**

_"Oscar Wilde wrote this quote… something along the lines of 'Death must be so beautiful. To lie in the soft brown earth, with the grasses waving above one's head, and listen to silence. To have no yesterday, and no tomorrow. To forget time, to forget life, to be at peace.' Smart man Wilde was, un. Because living is so hard; I don't want to be a coward but seriously… living is so hard and death is just a few pills or a few cuts away, un. To die and to not have to feel anything anymore; what could be better than that? It's so true, un."_

Sasori had almost fallen asleep to the sound of Deidara's voice but a sudden vibration jolted him awake. He groaned and paused the cassette player and picked up his phone, frowning as he wondered who would be up this early on a Saturday and call him.

_The Brat._

He blinked before laughing slightly; he had changed Deidara's name in his contacts list just to irritate the blonde whenever he saw it. Memories of Deidara's angry face and the violence that ensued flooded his mind and he was so thankful that he was still calling.

"Yeah?"

"Danna, un!" the voice was breathless and seemed to be caught off guard, surprising Sasori because Deidara was the one that called him. He frowned and removed the headphones, placing them next to the cassette player and devoting his full attention to the phone.

"Expecting anyone else?"

"N-no! Uh… did… Kakuzu stop by your place today, un?"

Sasori opened his mouth but paused as his eyes fell on the note that came along with the tape. He picked it up and scanned his eyes over it again, frowning. Obviously he should tell Deidara that he did and he had the tape because he wasn't supposed to hear it. But this was probably the only way he could get the answers he so desperately wanted; it was wrong to lie to Deidara, but he also didn't want anything like this to happen again.

"…No."

He heard a soft curse followed by a sigh. "All right, thanks danna, un. I think I just misplaced something then…" Distantly, Sasori heard Sakura reprimand Deidara about having a phone and he laughed slightly when Deidara yelled something back before ending his conversation with Sasori. "I'll see you soon, all right?"

Sasori sighed as he stared at the screen as it blinked 'call ended' at him, not moving. He stared at his phone and gripped it with such force that his knuckles were turning white and his hand was shaking. Inexplicable anger was welling up inside of him; what was he angry about? At Deidara, for doing this? At himself, for not seeing it? At the world, for doing something to tip his friend over the edge? Sasori didn't know what it was, but he just knew he was so _angry_, and not knowing why made him even more livid.

"You're in love with Deidara."

"…When and how the fuck did you get in here?" It wasn't often that Sasori swore; in fact, the swear he let slip when finding Deidara was probably the first in several weeks, maybe months. Deidara was the one with no profanity filter; Sasori kept most of his profanities in his head. But to have Itachi sneak up on him in his own house was deserving of a swear; especially because now Sasori wasn't sure if his door locked properly.

"Your door was open," Itachi answered calmly, his eyes surveying Sasori's neat room, "I came to see how you were doing."

"As you can see, I'm doing quite well. Bags under the eyes are completely normal."

"Sarcastic as usual. I'm glad to see that hasn't changed. So, how long?"

Sasori frowned and sat up on his bed, casually placing his pillow over the cassette player. Not to hide it from Itachi (he knew the Uchiha would've undoubtedly noticed the motion) but to convey the message that it was not to be asked about. And it worked, Itachi raised an eyebrow but didn't question it. "How long what?"

"How long have you been in love with Deidara?" he asked again, sitting in the chair by Sasori's desk and swirling around to face him. He smirked at the suddenly wide brown eyes and the faint blush tinting his cheeks as he looked away, scowling. He could deny it all he wanted, but Itachi knew better. He had grown up with them, essentially, and knew about their feelings for each other. While everyone was with someone (he was with Kisame, Kakuzu was with Hidan, Pein was with Konan, and he just put Tobi and Zetsu together for convenience sake), the two artists of their group were clueless. It was rather painful to sit in a room with them; the tension was just lingering in the air and was suffocating to him.

"I don't know what you're talking about."

"If it makes you talk, I'm the only one that knows but I can easily change that."

Sasori glanced up tiredly at Itachi, who looked calm but he knew of the malicious smirk behind the mask. The redhead sighed and rested his forehead against his palms with his elbows on his knees; he pushed his hair back and closed his eyes. He should have known Itachi would know. He was grateful that no one else knew though; he didn't need something as frivolous as his own feelings to be a distraction to what was really important right now. "I don't know. I just kind of realized it recently."

"That would explain why you're blaming yourself so much for this."

"…Even if I weren't in love with him I'd be blaming myself, moron. I'm not as coldhearted as you are," he mumbled and heard Itachi chuckle lightly, "Maybe I'm being harder on myself. I don't know. All I know is that I obviously missed something or was too focused on myself to notice something was wrong with him. Because someone doesn't just go home and try to kill himself one day; it has to have been building up for a while."

He was never too bothered by the fact that the rest of their friends were in relationships. Pein and Konan were together, Hidan and Kakuzu were together (Sasori never understood how they could stand each other), Itachi and Kisame were together, and he wasn't sure if Zetsu and Tobi were together but they did act like something more than typical friends usually. He wasn't bothered that he and Deidara were both single; he could get a date if he wanted and Deidara could too. But he _was_ bothered when Deidara would get hit on by someone; the lucky thing for him was that the blonde would give them a dirty look and stalk off.

It wasn't that the two just decided to stop dating, or rather, messing around for Sasori, after high school. It was just that Sasori realized he wouldn't enjoy himself with anyone but Deidara and he felt wrong doing certain things with people and thinking about his best friend. He wasn't sure what Deidara's reason was but whatever it was, he liked it. He didn't know if he could stand watching Deidara hold hands and kiss anybody else.

"Does he know?"

"Hm? The brat? Of course not," Sasori smirked, "He has no idea. And I don't plan on telling him because I don't want to strain our friendship. I've seen enough childhood friends date each other and end up hating each other. And besides, especially now, I don't want to upset him in any way."

He heard Itachi make a low 'hmm' sound before speaking again. "Makes sense, I suppose. But whatever happened to taking a risk?"

"With his life?"

"What if," Sasori grudgingly lifted his head when Itachi flicked it, "part of the reason that Deidara did this was because he thought no one cared for him? What if he was in love with you but though you'd never see him as anything more? If you told him how you felt, he'd know he isn't alone anymore and that could help alleviate his pain."

"And what if it fails? You, Itachi, of all people should be able to judge a situation and weigh its pros and cons. After all, that's what you're programmed to do when you take over Uchiha Corporations, isn't it?" Sasori ran his fingers through his hair messily, "Maybe the pro is really good. But the con is really bad, especially with this timing. If I tell him… if somehow he feels the same way… and then we break up because of some stupid misunderstanding, what if that pushes him over the edge again?"

Falling in love with a best friend, Sasori believed, was one of the most unfortunate things to happen to someone. Because with strangers, one could recreate himself and he could hide certain things; he could have the other person have an absolute perfect impression of him. But a best friend knows everything about him; every flaw, every quirk, every humiliating moment. And with a stranger, the relationship doesn't have anything that it could ruin; a one night stand could easily be forgotten, a two month relationship would eventually be gotten over. But years of friendship would be missed for an eternity if the relationship didn't work out.

Sometimes starting a relationship with someone you know so well just wasn't a great idea and Sasori didn't want to risk it. Because, to be honest, he'd rather watch Deidara fall in love with someone else and still be his friend than to temporarily be happy and then never speak to him again because hormones impaired his judgment during his young adult years. Above what he wanted, he valued Deidara; he might want to have him reciprocate his feelings, but if Deidara didn't feel that way, he didn't want to make things awkward for him and possibly leave.

Itachi smirked and shrugged. "Suit yourself then. Everyone's worried about you though and I've been selected as the candidate to make sure you were still alive like Deidara."

"That is _not_ funny."

The Uchiha stood up and looked around Sasori's room, already knowing that the redhead would spend the next few days locked up in here until Deidara was allowed to leave the hospital. It was understandable; as long as he continued to eat, breathe, and live, everyone would let him gather his thoughts in solitude.

_"You think Sasori's going to be okay?"_

_ Itachi glanced at his boyfriend and shrugged as he sipped his coffee. The two were in a nearby café; after being almost forcibly exiled from the hospital, everyone parted ways. Sasori immediately went home, Zetsu was dragged to a nearby candy store by Tobi to buy "senpai" a gift, Hidan and Kakuzu went God knows where, and Pein and Konan were probably taking a walk in the park as the absolutely perfect couple they were. "Absolutely. Sasori's strong and he's resilient and he knows he has to act strong for Deidara."_

_ Kisame finished his muffin and leaned back in his chair, glancing past Itachi and out the window, where the hospital could be seen in the distance. "This is pretty life altering. I never even imagined someone close to me, much less Deidara, would do this…"_

_ Itachi nodded in agreement quietly. "I suppose nothing is as it seems."_

"Deidara gets out of the hospital in three days," he said and immediately Sasori's head jerked up. Itachi smirked at this response and turned around to leave, taking a few steps before pausing. "I suggest you take him out to the art store or something."

With that, Itachi began to leave the small room and leave Sasori alone with his thoughts until the redhead spoke. "Itachi."

"Hm?" he stopped and turned around by the doorframe.

Sasori opened his mouth but closed it and looked away, twisting his fingers together nervously. He looked nervous for some reason and Itachi suddenly noticed the bags under his eyes and how pale he looked; obviously he wasn't getting very much sleep. Not that Itachi blamed him.

"If it were Kisame… what would you do?"

The Uchiha sighed and crossed his arms, leaning against the doorframe quietly. Sasori anticipated his answer; as long as he had known Itachi, he always had some kind of an answer ready. Right now he just wanted something definite; he missed the security that he used to take for granted every day. He would know that he would walk to school with Deidara, eat lunch with their friends, fall asleep in classes, go home and slave over homework, argue with Deidara about art, etc. Everything was so routine and so certain. But now he wasn't sure of anything. Would Deidara go back to school? Would their relationship change? How would they be able to move on from this? Most of all…

_Will he try again?_

The question slipped in Sasori's mind and immediately he felt chills run through him. He would ignore that question; he wouldn't let it haunt his mind. He would do absolutely everything in his power to help Deidara get better. Because Deidara was strong; he could overcome anything he set his mind to.

Returning his attention to the other person in the room, he looked at Itachi. After a few more moments, the raven haired man smiled softly and looked at Sasori sadly.

"I'm afraid I do not know."

**11:18 AM, November 19**

"Tobi! Are you done yet?"

"No! Senpai needs candy!"

"Deidara hasn't been eating for the last few weeks! **I had a feeling it was anorexia.** No, shut up, self! **An anorexic isn't just going to eat candy, you know.** He's not anorexic, damnit! He was just stressed so he stopped eating! **Have you seen him weigh himself obsessively and exercise more than usual? **No. **Well, maybe he does it in secret.** God damnit, he's not anorexic!"

Tobi blinked as Zetsu began arguing with himself and shrugged, returning his attention to the wide array of candy in front of them. Gummies of all different shapes and sizes were in front of him, as well as hard candy, fruit candy, chocolate, licorice; anything Tobi imagined could be here. He looked at the empty bag in his hands and headed towards the array of chocolates, looking at the brightly wrapped candies, wondering how to make it aesthetically pleasing.

He ran his fingers nimbly over the wrappers, hearing the crinkling sounds as the foil scraped against his fingers, smiling sadly as a sudden thought occurred to him. "Zetsu-san, how would you feel if senpai succeeded?"

Zetsu abruptly stopped arguing himself and cast his eyes downward, fidgeting slightly. "…Don't talk about that, Tobi. He's alive and that's all that matters."

Tobi nodded quietly, giving the impression that he accepted the answer. Sighing, he opened the plastic bag and began to layer the different chocolates in by color, absentmindedly grabbing about three handfuls from each bin and shaking the bag to even the layer before proceeding to the next one. Tobi liked to see if he could ever do something that Deidara wouldn't criticize; it was kind of a one-sided game that he played. He liked to create games to keep himself occupied. His particular favorite used to be annoying Deidara, such as purposely sabotaging his clay or replacing his toothpaste with shampoo or something. Tobi paused and smiled slightly.

_I wonder if I'll ever get to do that to senpai again._

The thought crossed his mind with no warning and Tobi frowned sadly. He fingered the plastic bag and trudged over to the cash register softly, placing the bag on the counter and pulling out his wallet as the cashier weighed it and told him how much it was. Zetsu stood by him and watched him silently, wondering Deidara knew how much what he did was really affecting everyone.

"Ready to go?"

"Y-yeah! Let's go visit senpai!" Tobi put on a happy, cheery face as he and Zetsu left the candy store. They walked to an edge and managed to hail a taxicab after letting three pass them for someone that looked richer. When one finally stopped, they clambered in and Zetsu told him the hospital and they began to move.

"Wait! Can you drop Tobi off at Tokyo University?" Tobi asked suddenly. Zetsu looked at him with a questioning gaze and the driver immediately turned towards the university. Tobi looked over and grinned sheepishly. "Sorry, Zetsu-can! Can you give senpai Tobi's candy? Tobi forgot he has to… meet people to do a project with."

"…Yeah, sure," Zetsu said as the taxi stopped and Tobi gave him the heavy bag of candy. The Uchiha got out of the taxi and waved goodbye as he closed the door and they resumed going to the hospital, leaving Zetsu utterly confused. Why would Tobi not want to visit Deidara? He and Tobi had all their classes together and there was no project that was assigned. And if there was, the two of them would be working together, so Tobi's excuse was obviously a lie.

He decided he would ask Deidara. When the taxi arrived at the hospital, he pulled out a few crumpled bills and handed them to the driver. He lugged the heavy bag out of the car and headed into the hospital, ignoring curious looks; he supposed he did look rather odd, with his half pale half dark skin holding a giant bag of chocolate candies, layered by color. _Damn you, Tobi._

He walked past the reception desk; he still remembered where Deidara's room was. They didn't question him; obviously, they remembered who he was. There were much more people than the previous day; people in wheelchairs being pushed by nurses, little children, loved ones, just to name a few. He couldn't help but empathize with them; he never hoped to be able to empathize with someone about the feeling of someone he cared about being in the hospital, but he could.

"Oh it's Zetsu, un. Hey."

When he entered Deidara's room he smiled weakly and set the candy down on the nightstand beside him as he sat down. "Tobi got you candy. **A lot of it.**"

"Candy, really, un?" Deidara sighed and glanced at it, frowning and looking away, "Idiot."

"How were your tests?" Zetsu asked, deciding to ask casual questions. He didn't know how to talk to Deidara and so he decided to be safe about it. He let his eyes flit over Deidara and frowned, seeing the bandages and the pale skin. He had an IV attached to him and Zetsu's stomach lurched. _**I knew he was anorexic!**__ Shut up, self!_

"You can stare at me, you know, un," Deidara said lazily, smirking as Zetsu jumped slightly, "I don't care. It's not like I'm trying to keep all my problems a secret. Yeah the tests went fine, un. Just told me I need to eat and not cut myself; crap like that."

"…You… you've always been pretty skinny…"

Deidara laughed and picked up a glass of water and took a sip. "I'm not starving myself to lose weight, un. I just… I like that my mind is stronger than my instincts, un. It makes me feel like I still have control over something. I guess that's hard for you to understand but… yeah. I don't care about my weight, to be honest, un."

"…You're killing yourself, you know. **Oh wait. That's the point.** …Shit, sorry," Zetsu muttered, mentally kicking his other half. He never had much control over it and was surprised it was actually behaving. But then it came out at the wrong time and he was suddenly worried Deidara might take it offensively. But when he looked at him again, the blonde was smiling.

"It's all right, un. Glad to see your other half is still himself. I don't want anyone to act any differently around me or feel like they're walking on eggshells," Deidara shrugged, "I know that's impossible to ask but what I want is for everything to go back to normal, un. Everyone's been weird, especially danna. Not Tobi though; he actually told me off about how selfish I was being… it was a nice change from his normal worshipping."

"Tobi? Tobi told you off?" that would explain why Tobi was so hesitant to see Deidara again. But nevertheless, Zetsu was surprised that Tobi would have the guts to yell at his beloved senpai. Zetsu blinked, smiling slightly. _As always, he always says what everyone's thinking._

"Mhm," Deidara nodded, "Guess he was right, un."

They fell silent and Zetsu fidgeted nervously. Silence reminded him of the brief glimpse of Deidara he caught yesterday as the blonde was being wheeled into the surgery room; silence reminded him of death. And right now, he couldn't stand silence. "So… are you going to go back to class?"

"Hm? Oh, no, un," Deidara shook his head, "A psychiatrist told me I probably shouldn't go back for the rest of the year, un. Luckily most of my classes aren't too bad so he said he'll arrange something with the teachers; I'll probably do all the homework and tests at home, un."

"Is Sasori going to help you?"

As soon as he uttered the name, it was like a bomb fell. Deidara's eyes widened and he looked away, scowling slightly, leaving Zetsu bewildered. He wondered why mentioning Sasori was such a sore point; they were best friends and he was pretty sure the two couldn't possibly be in a fight right now. They fell silent again and Zetsu felt prickles over his skin, wondering what he should say. His curiosity was peaked but he was never one to outright ask blunt questions. Especially now with Deidara; even if the blonde wanted everyone to act normal about him, everyone knew it was impossible. "…Uh… something wrong?"

"Is… is danna doing well, un?"

Zetsu blinked, surprised at the change of subject. "Yeah… I think so. He went home early yesterday and he's taking a few days off from school. You want me to tell him to visit…"

"No, un. Don't," Deidara interrupted him and paused before smiling slightly, shaking his head, "Sorry, un. I… I don't know if I want to face danna again. It's… weird."

The green haired boy nodded solemnly, smiling himself. "Out of all of us, Sasori's the one that's the most affected by this. I know you don't want to talk to him or even face him because it's weird but… even if you push the rest of us away, don't push him away. Because that'll hurt both of you more than you can imagine," Zetsu said in a low voice. And it was true. Sasori never had to say much and most people thought he only emoted boredom. But as his closest friends, they could read him well. And Zetsu knew for a fact that Sasori was in completely torture right now. He may look all right on the fine, just a bit tired, but on the inside, he must be a complete and total mess. It was hard to see both Sasori and Deidara in such emotional pain, and even harder knowing that the only way they would get better would be by talking to each other when they seemed to refuse to do so.

Deidara laughed shortly and the two moved onto the topic of the classes they were taking, discussing if some teachers would be nice or mean to Deidara about his taking time off, thus ending the topic of Sasori. As they were talking, Zetsu would occasionally find himself smiling almost sadly. This normalcy was weird; he was thankful for it, but at the same time it didn't feel right. He'd almost rather have Deidara sullen because at least then he could see what he was really feeling. But like this, he seemed like the normal Deidara that they all thought they knew.

_Sasori… help him get better._

**2:46 PM, November 19**

_"I'm not like you, danna. I can't come up with a solution to a problem instantly, un. I'm not that smart. We've always been like that, haven't we? You come up with the answer quickly and if you don't, you keep persisting until you get the answer. I read the question and attempt it, but if I don't get the answer, I skip it or ask you how to do it, un. I have a problem—a big problem. And I'm not sure what it is; saying I'm sad is too general, but that's the only way I know how to define it. And the only solution I can think of is to end everything. I didn't ask you for help but I know you'd tell me to keep living, that you'll help me through it. But I can't fathom an escape from this; the only escape I can imagine is death. Maybe it's cowardly or even laziness because I didn't try to dispel this sadness, un. But it's overwhelming; it's like I'm being suffocated and I just want everything to end."_

After Itachi left, Sasori had sat in silence for a few minutes, mulling over his conversation. Sighing, he laid down and took a nap; not surprisingly, he fell asleep almost instantly. When he woke up about an hour later, he remembered about the tape he had yet to finish listening to and turned the cassette player back on. As he put the headphones on, he wandered into the kitchen and grabbed a bunch of grapes from the refrigerator, washed them, and returned to his room. As he laid down and began to listen to the tape again, he was eating them, one by one, chewing slowly. They were extraordinarily sour but for once Sasori didn't mind. He still felt numb; the sour taste made him cringe and reminded him that he was still living because he could taste and feel. It seemed any reminder of being alive was comforting to him; odd, because he wasn't the one that almost died. It was as if by reminding himself that he was alive was synonymous to reminding himself that Deidara was alive. It was silly and made no sense, but it calmed him.

Everything that Deidara was saying made him cringe. It was all so genuine and it clawed at Sasori, because it reminded him of how much Deidara was silently suffering. They were different, like Deidara had said, but they were also similar. They were incredibly stubborn, and because of that, Sasori didn't understand why Deidara had done this. Because the Deidara he knew would keep persisting; it wasn't just that it was a problem, it was that this was his _life_. He wouldn't just give up his life so easily. It was like everything Sasori had known made no sense anymore.

_"There are six tapes total, un. Each one is a different reason… otherwise you'd be listening to the same one for days, un. This one… is an overview, I guess. It was really broad and general. I just want to say… thank you, un. For everything. I know you're probably confused, lost, probably even really angry at me. But when you're done listening, I hope you can… try to understand why I did this, un."_

As the tape ended, Sasori popped the last grape in his mouth and closed his eyes, bathing in the silence. These tapes, he decided, had to be listened to separately; he couldn't go from one to the next. Because they made his head spin and he had no desire to start the next one. He needed time to process each of them; otherwise everything would run together and he wanted to decipher all of these to understand just why Deidara was so… sad. He blinked and reached above his head and grabbed the notepad and pen he kept near his bed for random epiphanies he would have in the middle of the night. He paused, as if he was wondering if he was really going to do this, before taking the cap off the pen with his teeth and scribbling "dying is easy, living is hard" on the paper. He wrote a bit too hard and almost tore the page but it didn't matter; he recapped the pen and hid the notepad beneath his pillow. He would compile a list of the reasons Deidara was talking about in these tapes. He had to remember them so he could analyze them and he wasn't sure his mentality was strong enough to listen to them again; just listening to them once was hard enough.

His phone vibrated next to him suddenly and Sasori picked it up, and opened the text, frowning.

_Visit Deidara. I don't care if he doesn't want to see you or if you don't want to see him, you both need to stop being stubborn asses and talk to each other._

_ Zetsu_

He sighed and set the phone down, staring up at his ceiling. It wasn't that he didn't want to talk to Deidara, it was, like the rest of them, it was too weird. And he wanted to avoid it until the weird feeling went away but he knew that unless he did something about it, their relationship would be strained for the rest of their lives. With this realization, he sighed and swung his legs off his bed and stood up, pocketing his phone and his keys from his desk as he left his apartment and headed to the hospital.

It took him twenty minutes; five minutes to gather his things and leave his apartment, ten minutes for the taxi cab, and another five to aimlessly wander around before finally plucking up the courage to enter Deidara's room. As he opened the door, he entered quietly; Deidara was alone and flipping through some kind of a book. As Sasori got closer he smirked, seeing it was a book about sculpting. _Glad he's still kind of the same._

"Huh? Danna, un?" Deidara sensed another presence and closed his book, looking up in surprise. He noticed Sasori was carrying a sweater despite the fact he had one on, but ignored it; Sasori got cold easily, so he reasoned he had two sweaters because of that. He was pleased, of course, to see him. But at the same time, he felt a nervous twist in his stomach. Though Sasori was the person he wanted to see the most, he was also the person Deidara wanted far away from him. Paradoxical, but very accurate of his current feelings. "Why're you here, un?"

"Zetsu told me to stop by," Sasori sat down in the chair next to his bed and shrugged, setting the sweater on his lap, "I was planning to anyway. How are you doing?" he asked. His eyes lingered on the bandages around his wrist (no blood stains, to his relief) and he quickly averted them and looked at Deidara. He was looking more energetic and his skin wasn't as pale as before, which soothed Sasori's nerves slightly. Whenever he had the chance to sleep, he would be woken up with images of Deidara's pale face, and he wouldn't be able to sleep after that.

"Bored, un. Nothing to do," Deidara answered just as the door opened again. Both looked at the door and in walked someone in a white coat, holding a clipboard. He had a scar across his nose but otherwise a friendly face and brown hair tied up in a ponytail. Sasori stared at him and turned to ask Deidara if he knew who he was but his question was answered when the blonde looked at him distrustfully, frowning and narrowing his eyes. "Iruka-san, un."

"Good afternoon, Iwa-san. And company," Iruka added, nodding at Sasori. He paused and glanced at his clipboard and looked up, a tight smile that Sasori didn't appreciate being directed at Deidara on his lips. He felt as if Iruka was looking at Deidara as some kind of child that was difficult to deal with, and Sasori never liked anyone belittling Deidara. "Have you reconsidered?"

"Reconsidered what?" Sasori asked, turning to Deidara.

Deidara scowled and crossed his arms, glaring at Iruka. He ignored Sasori's question but his answer answered it. "No, un. I'm not going to therapy. I don't care how much it's supposed to help me; frankly, I don't care about "getting better" as you put it. I don't need any help, un." Sasori blinked and smirked; it was like Deidara to reject going to therapy. He always had something again talking openly about his feelings and being diagnosed with a "problem."

"Are you sure? I assure you…"

"He doesn't need to go to therapy," Sasori interjected suddenly and both parties looked at him in surprise. The redhead paused, smiling slightly and looking down. "He doesn't need to go," he repeated and looked up, determination flitting across his eyes, "I'll spend time with him. I'll make sure he doesn't do anything stupid. If you force him to go he'll just be unwilling and irritable because he's a stubborn brat."

"Hey, un!"

"And you are…?" Iruka frowned and looked at Sasori questioningly. When he had walked past the receptionist's desk, the nurse did tell him that Deidara's friend was there. The staff had taken an interest in him because he was so "pretty"; Iruka raised an eyebrow but didn't think much of it. But now, seeing the two together, he suddenly had a feeling that maybe there was something more than friendship. Because when he had visited earlier, Deidara was angry and had a dark aura; now, he looked more alert and happier, even. He was still in an irritable mood, but he wasn't frowning constantly and Iruka didn't feel like he was going to get a book thrown at him.

"Akasuna Sasori. The brat's best friend. I'll take care of him," he insisted, looking straight into Iruka's eyes, "And if I can't help him… then I'll send him to you. I promise." He was being truly earnest; he saw this as his opportunity to help Deidara. He wasn't going to ship the blonde off to therapy against his will; if anything, that would make things worse. And he really thought he would help him. Because Sasori knew him better than anyone; he should know what to do to make him smile the way he used to. He had long ago told himself that if Deidara was ever sad, he wanted to be the one to make him feel better, and now he was going to carry out that promise.

"…Very well," Iruka relented, frowning, "Please call me and arrange an appointment in two weeks time. I will assess him then." He realized this may not be the best idea, considering he barely knew Sasori, but he decided to give it a chance. Deidara, he felt, was lucky to have someone like Sasori. So many suicidal teens had come in and had no friends that would visit them. But Deidara had Sasori, who not only came in but was also willing to spend time with him. Friends were important in the process of recovery, Iruka had always said; he was glad Deidara still had friends that wouldn't ostracize him.

"What the hell, un? I'm a test now?" Deidara muttered as Iruka handed Sasori a card, gave another curt nod, and left the room. He watched Sasori pocket the business card without so much as looking at it and when he turned to Deidara, he was smirking. He stood up and tossed the sweater he had walked in carrying at him and when Deidara lifted it, he saw that there was a shirt and a pair of jeans under it. Looking up at Sasori, he frowned. "…What, un?"

"Put those on. It'll make you look more inconspicuous."

"…You're sneaking me out of the hospital, un?" he asked incredulously. Straight laced Akasuna Sasori was going to sneak him out of the hospital fewer than two days after he just tried to kill himself? It was dangerous, reckless, and definitely out of the rules that Sasori typically stayed within. He couldn't help but be shocked; he spent his entire life trying to get Sasori to loosen up, and now Sasori did, in a way that was technically supposed to be "life threatening" for Deidara.

Sasori's smirk widened and he nodded. He had doubts about this plan he concocted in the five minutes of gathering his stuff, but he decided to take a risk. The worst that would happen would be that Sasori would have to admit to sneaking Deidara out of the hospital, but even that wouldn't be _too_ bad. "I want our relationship to go back to normal. And that's impossible if you're cooped up in this place for another minute."

Deidara blinked and looked down at the clothes and slowly, his lips curled up into a smile and he laughed. He recognized these as Sasori's; since they were essentially the same height, they could easily wear each other's clothes. On more than one occasion had Deidara run to Sasori's house in the pouring rain and the redhead would let him borrow some of his clothes. The blonde looked up and Sasori couldn't help but smile back; it was the biggest grins he had seen ever since the incident and he saw traces of the old Deidara in it.

"Looks like I'm rubbing off on you, un."

**Author's Notes: About the title of chapters, if it's in quotes, that means it's the subject of the tape. I'm not going dividing it up by tape; otherwise it'll end up insanely long like _The Elastic Clause_. Thank you for reading, please review!**


	3. infinite

**.disclaimer : don't own.**

_**.chapter three : infinite.**_

* * *

><p><em>"And at that moment, I swear we were infinite."<em>

**_-Perks of Being a Wallflower_**

* * *

><p><strong>3:11 PM, November 19<strong>

"Keep your head down, brat."

"I have to know where I'm walking, un!"

"Trust me."

"You're sneaking me out of the hospital, un! My cuts could still open, I don't know if there are still drugs in my system, and I could very well just run off and jump in front of a train! And you're sneaking me out anyway; I see no reason to trust you, un!"

"Shut up, you're grateful, you brat!"

Despite their bickering, Sasori managed to shush Deidara long enough to walk by the receptionist desk. He had chosen a maroon sweater with a large hood and had tied Deidara's hair back so with the hood up, no strands of blonde hair could be seen. They had stuffed what little things Deidara still had in his backpack; he had a few pieces of chocolate left (he admitted to eating Tobi's gift when bored) as well as the book. He felt his heart pound furiously as they strolled past the desk casually; he wasn't used to this feeling of adrenaline. He felt like he was stealing something from a store and security would stop them anytime now…

"I didn't know you had it in you, un," Deidara grinned as soon as they were outside. They walked to the curb where someone was getting out of a taxi cab and Sasori held it open, nodding when the grandma thanked him and laughed when she told Deidara he was a very pretty girl.

"Don't kill her and get in."

"How the hell do I look like a girl, un?" Deidara fumed as he slipped into the cab and Sasori followed, closing the door behind him. After he told the driver to take them to where he lived, he turned to Deidara, smirking as the blonde pulled off the hood and pulled his hair out of the ponytail, running his fingers through it messily.

"Maybe she meant you had nice skin."

"Shut up, danna, un! You're making it worse!"

Sasori laughed again and Deidara crossed his arms, looking out the window. The redhead's eyes softened, smiling slightly. It relaxed him to have an argument like this with Deidara; it was like nothing had ever changed. It instilled hope in him that maybe one day they really could go back to how they were. But when Deidara fell silent, he felt the atmosphere drop a couple of degrees; as he looked at Deidara looking out the taxi, his eyes were becoming vacant again. He clenched his fist and bit his lip; it was now his responsibility to take care of him.

"_To die and to not have to feel anything anymore; what could be better than that?"_

As words from Deidara's tape rang through his head, he felt his breath hitch. That mentality made Sasori scared; scared that Deidara was so nonchalant about living anymore. He seemed to be so vivacious and exuberant about living. It was almost scary how well he had tricked everyone. Even now; it was almost as if nothing had changed. He and Deidara were arguing (like normal) and sneaking out (like normal).

"You feeling better today, brat?"

"Depression doesn't go away after a failed attempt, un," Deidara answered without looking at Sasori but he smirked; he didn't seem to be bothered by the sudden change, "Thanks for back there, by the way. I'm going to warn you now, though, try as you might, you can't "fix" me, un."

"I'm not going to fix you."

Deidara looked over in surprise at Sasori's answer. The redhead smiled, looking at Deidara; with the sun's rays coming through the windows of the taxicab and illuminating Sasori softly, he looked almost ethereal. And, Deidara supposed, he was sort of like an angel; he was the only reason Deidara had found it bearable to live and he was now trying to save him again. "…Then why…"

"You don't have a problem," Sasori answered firmly, "There's nothing for me to fix."

It was denial; outright denial, and they both knew it. He had a problem and it was serious; they were multiple problems compiled into one big one. But Sasori's words made Deidara smile; it comforted him to know that Sasori didn't see him as "the kid with the problem." He, frankly, still saw Deidara as Deidara, suicidal and depressed or not. He was still the best friend he grew up with and nothing was going to change.

_Thank you, danna._

"We're here."

The two looked up in surprise and Sasori pulled a few crumpled bills out of his pocket and handed them to the driver. He and Deidara exited the taxicab from opposite sides and headed towards Sasori's apartment. Deidara headed up the steps he had walked so many times before and couldn't help but remember how everything was so different. He knew people were hurting because of what he did; he wasn't that insensitive and stupid. He saw his friends and how they didn't know how to act around him anymore. Most importantly, he saw his best friend and how what he did affected him; it was insensitive and stupid of him to make Sasori be the one to find him. He should've thought twice about that because despite all the pain he knew he was causing himself and others, he did not want to hurt Sasori.

It was backwards, in a way. Making Sasori find him was Deidara's way of telling Sasori first; because he wanted his best friend to know from seeing him first hand, not by hearing it. Even the tapes he had prepared (and still needed to find) would be painful for Sasori to listen to, but he wanted Sasori to know every last detail that he could possibly express.

_I never meant to hurt you, I swear._

"Remember the last time you came here?" Sasori broke the silence as he opened the door. Deidara followed him in and took off his sneakers after Sasori, and the two headed into his room like they normally did. The blue eyes scanned over the room, unaware that Sasori darted his eyes briefly at his cassette tape player and the bundle of tapes hidden in a bundle of blankets and stuffed in a corner of his closet.

"Yeah. Math test, right, un?"

"That you still failed."

"And you set the curve for, un."

Sasori smirked as he sat down on the chair by his desk, letting Deidara lay down on his bed. The blonde sprawled out and a smile stretched across his lips, one that Sasori had seldom seen since "that night." It grew quiet and it was oddly relaxing yet unnerving at the same time. Relaxing, because they were so close that they had no problem sitting in silence in each other's company, but unnerving because of the unspoken fact hovering over their heads.

_You just tried to kill yourself._

"Later, un."

Sasori looked up (he had been staring at his mismatched socks, wondering how the hell he didn't notice them before) at Deidara when he spoke. Deidara wasn't looking at him; he seemed to be staring up at the white ceiling, but he felt Sasori's gaze and answered the unspoken question. He repeated what he said, but this time Sasori understood. He sensed the unspoken, desperate questions. But it was still too raw for him to talk about. It was still too soon, too surreal, too painful.

"What… was it like?"

Sasori spoke this time and Deidara looked over in surprise to see Sasori look back at him seriously. He swiveled around and had an ankle under his other leg and was playing with one of his marionette puppets. Despite the serious gaze, confusion flickered in his eyes and Deidara couldn't help but feel guilt; all that confusion, the pain, the anxiety was because of him.

"…It hurt," Deidara stated flatly and slowly as he looked back up. His hands, previously folded behind his head, were pulled out and he stared at them, holding them in front of his face. "A lot, un. And then… it didn't hurt. And then I made more cuts… deeper ones. Because I didn't know why I couldn't feel it anymore. And then the blood loss got to me, un. The last thing I did before I blacked out was text you because I heard you at the door, un." He looked over and refolded his hands behind his head, smiling slightly at Sasori, "Everything was really fuzzy, you know? I wasn't sure what I was doing; I think everything overwhelmed me and all I wanted was clarity, but nothing gave me that piercing clarity. Except your voice; when I heard you, that was the one thing that completely registered, un."

Sasori lowered his eyes, at a loss for a reply. He wanted, more than anything, to ask why; why did he do it? But he couldn't; he felt he wasn't ready for that answer yet and Deidara certainly didn't want to answer it. So they both had to wait; an excruciatingly painful, long wait. "The… the only thing that matters is that you're alive. I know you don't think that's a great thing, but I'm glad you're alive… and everyone else is too and…"

"See, danna, the thing is I'm not supposed to be alive, un."

He said it nonchalantly and acted as if it didn't matter, but he could tell without looking at Sasori that the redhead was shocked at the words. Words about life and death spoken so casually, as if there was no difference. Like life was worth so little and death was a fate he was willing to accept readily and with open arms. Sasori looked up and evidently his startled expression translated, as Deidara seemed to realize the effect of his words.

"Sorry, un," he laughed shortly, "Used to being blunt. Forgot this isn't the type of thing I can be blunt about, un."

Sasori sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose, before finally looking up, straight into Deidara's eyes. "Tell me anything you want."

"…What, un?"

"Anything. Don't consider of I'll feel if you tell me something. Tell me anything you need to."

"Danna, you're being _really_ weird, un," Deidara said slowly as he propped himself up on his elbow. He frowned and scrutinized Sasori, noticing how obviously uncomfortable it was for his best friend to say this. Not that he would ever admit this out loud, but he would be eternally grateful for this, to see Sasori push himself out of the limited emotional spectrum he kept himself confined it. And Sasori knew that Deidara would rather go find Iruka himself than sit down and talk to Sasori about all his feelings. They were close but they never had a serious heart to heart conversation; in times of bad moods, they would take the other out for food and then, after a few hours, would then tease the other about it.

But Sasori was trying to tell Deidara that he would be there for him, even if it would make him extremely uncomfortable and awkward, pushing him out of the constraints he so carefully set up for himself. And the blonde was thankful for that; he couldn't help but smile slightly. _Danna, I don't think you realize how good you are to me and how I don't deserve any of it._

"…How about we get something to eat, un?"

Sasori blinked in surprise but smirked and stood up along with Deidara. He grabbed his keys and headed out, trailing behind Deidara, watching him from behind. It was so hard to believe this was a person that tried to take his own life just a few days ago; this happy, bubbly, energetic person couldn't possibly be suffering so much that he wanted to end it all. It made no sense; absolutely no sense at all.

"Where do you want to go, un?" he asked and turned around, grinning, "Hospital food is absolutely nasty; I can't wait for some real food, un."

The redhead managed a weak smile and shrugged. "Anywhere you want. My treat."

"Danna."

And suddenly, Deidara was extremely close. Sasori almost jumped when he realized just how close they were; their faces were inches apart and he felt his palms begin to sweat and heart rate begin to accelerate from the close proximity. Deidara's blue eyes seemed to bore into his soul, as though he could read everything that was going on inside of Sasori right now. And Sasori desperately wished it was the other way around; he would have done anything to understand what was going on inside of Deidara.

"Don't treat me any differently, un. Please," the blonde said and Sasori blinked in surprise, "I know it's hard and in your head you'll always be wondering and thinking about it, un. But let's not talk about it; not now. I promise, I _will_ tell you. I'll try to explain it the best I can, but not now. I want our old relationship back, un. I may have lost my mind," he paused and smiled slightly, "but I hope I haven't lost my best friend."

"…McDonald's, your treat?" Sasori offered after a brief pause, smirking. Deidara blinked and laughed, stepping back; he realized if Sasori had the ability to smirk, things would be all right.

"I said be normal, not stingy like Kakuzu, un."

**5:42 PM, November 19**

"Do you think we're ever going to get to go back to being normal again?"

Seven pairs of eyes riveted to Konan, who looked down at her coffee mug nervously, tears balancing at the corners of her eyes. "I mean… something like this… we don't just _forget_. "Forgive and forget" doesn't apply… we're always going to acknowledge this… "event." We can't ever go back to normal again… and that's scary."

"But whether we associate it with Deidara or not is a completely different matter," Kakuzu spoke up quietly, tracing the rim of his cup with his finger, "Deidara is Deidara. What he did is what he did. That doesn't mean we're going to forever associate it with him. True, we'll never forget that he tried to take his own life, but we won't have to walk on eggshells around him."

"Right…" Konan smiled distantly and looked at her reflection in the dark liquid. They were currently in the cafeteria of the university, deciding to meet there although there were no classes. It felt weird to go anywhere else; they were usually in fragments in the cafeteria more so than elsewhere, so it felt more normal to be in the cafeteria without Sasori or Deidara.

Everyone else was trying to feel normal; Konan was the only one that seemed to insist on bringing up the topic of Deidara and "that night." They wanted to forget. Even though Kakuzu said they couldn't, deep down, they genuinely believed if they avoided talking about it, Deidara would get better and everything could proceed as normal. But Konan was this heavy weight that reminded them it was impossible but seeing the heartbroken look on her face whenever she talked about him, no one had the heart to tell her to stop talking.

"Should we visit him now?"

The seven males looked at each other, slightly hesitant, before six of them stared intensely at Pein. He sighed and recognized the look; it meant _she's your girlfriend, you make her stop talking about this._ Even Tobi, who usually jumped at any chance to come in contact with Deidara, was reluctant to see him, proving to Pein that they weren't up to seeing him right now. They cared, yes. But they still had yet to wrap their head around this.

"Konan…"

"…What? Do you guys not care about him or something?" she asked and looked around, piercing grey eyes causing each person to look away in shame. "What is _wrong_ with you guys? He almost died, he's obviously distressed about something, he needs us more than ever and you guys don't want to see him? We're supposed to be friends, aren't we? We're supposed to help each other in times of need, not to shy away and just hope things get better…"

"Konan," Pein spoke softly and firmly as he placed a hand on his girlfriend's shoulder, successfully silencing her, "We care about him. But we need time to process this. There's more to it than just accepting that he tried to take his own life. Before we can help him, we need to make sure we're okay; otherwise we may lose it and make it worse for him."

"You guys are just cowards."

They looked up in surprise at her voice and when they heard her stand up, the legs of the chair scraping the linoleum floor of the cafeteria. She clenched her fists as she glared at each one of them, despite the fact none of them could look her in the eye. "Those are just excuses. We're never going to be okay with this. You guys don't want to see him because you're scared. Scared of not understanding, scared of thinking that maybe everything isn't what you thought of, scared of _him_. Well, screw that and screw _you_. I'm scared as hell, all right? It's not like I completely understand everything and that's why I want to see him; I could care less about myself and how I feel. All I know is that Deidara feels isolated and he feels he can't talk to anyone, so there was no way out of this black hole of depression he's in. And it's going to make me uncomfortable, make me scared, make me extremely nervous, but I want to make sure he knows I'm here for him. Don't make Sasori do this by himself; we are _all_ his friends, you know."

She gave them all a final glare before turning around on her heel and she stomped out of the cafeteria, letting the heavy doors slam with a deafening thud. The few other students in the cafeteria whispered to each other and glanced at the table of males left, who looked at each other uncomfortably in silence. They fidgeted nervously and looked down at their food and drinks, Konan's words sinking in.

As men, they liked to believe they were fearless. Nothing could stop them because they were so courageous and they could handle everything head on. They didn't like to show fear because they didn't want to show weakness; everything they had dealt with had been physical: bullies, bugs, animals, thieves, etc. But here was something that wasn't physical. Deidara's feelings, his pain, his mental process; all of that wasn't physical. They couldn't see it and they couldn't fix it; all they could do was sit by and… _watch._ Which was so completely terrifying; it was terrifying to watch a close friend on the path of self destruction slowly deteriorate and know nothing could be done to help.

"…Tobi cares for senpai."

"Oh shut the fuck _up_, you stupid albino rabbit."

"Tobi wants to help senpai," the younger Uchiha ignored Hidan's comment and looked up and around, "Maybe not directly, though. Indirectly. Because Tobi speaks for everyone…"

"Try me, dickface, when have we _ever_ agreed?"

"Shut up Hidan, let the idiot talk."

Tobi ignored Kakuzu and Hidan's input and spoke again, smiling slightly. "That Sasori-san is the only one who can help senpai. He is the only one that can truly help senpai to get better! Because Sasori-san and senpai have a bond deeper than skin!"

"Blood, Tobi. Blood," Itachi muttered, correcting the expression.

"Exactly! Senpai needs Sasori-san! Tobi thinks we can be helpful, but senpai will only be honest with Sasori-san."

Tobi grew silent and looked down again, frowning and feeling something bubble inside of him. He remembered when he first met Deidara; in their freshman year of high school, Tobi had been chased into an alleyway by a bunch of upperclassmen. Itachi had gone home and Sasuke, who was in middle school, was (hopefully) still in class. Tobi wondered why he didn't get the scary Uchiha demeanor that his cousins possessed; instead, he was blessed with red eyes along with the pale skin and dark, spiky hair. He had always been bullied but they usually left him alone after a while. But that day, that day they were oddly relentless…

_Tobi stopped in front of the wire fence and looked around desperately, panting heavily from the running. He was surrounded by brick walls and the fence was too far to climb. He looked around for things he could stack to climb but he heard his perpetrators snicker and he spun around, pressing his back against the fence as his red eyes widened, staring at them. Heart pounding, he recognized them as Zaku and Dosu. Itachi had warned Tobi about them just a few days ago on the first day of school, how he should avoid them. They were relentless and, as Itachi called them, "moronic" bullies that loved to target Uchihas—loved to target them until they realized they were Uchihas. Somehow, they never recognized the pattern of dark hair and pale skin._

_ But when Tobi tried to threaten the two with his family name, they just laughed and that seemed to fueled their desire to beat him up; here was a Uchiha that was more freakish than usual with red eyes and he also wasn't nearly as terrifying as the others (like Itachi). Tobi had run away, hoping to lose them, but they followed and he found himself trapped, terrified, and completely alone._

_ Zaku grinned and Tobi covered his ears as he heard the cackling and felt them coming closer; he hated this, he hated his family name, he hated being so weak. People at first left him alone after learning he was related to Itachi and Sasuke, but once those two were gone, they bullied him without mercy. That made fun of him, poured milk on him, stole his lunch money, and beat him up. They made him swear to not tell Itachi and Sasuke and he never did. But they were smart and figured it out and every time they beat up the bullies, the bullies then took out their anger on Tobi. It was a never ending cycle and stupid to think that it would end just because he was now a freshman._

_ "Look, another Uchiha. With freaky ass eyes…" Zaku laughed as Dosu grabbed Tobi's hands and held them still as Zaku grinned and stepped closer. Lifting a hand, he brushed his thumb close to Tobi's left eye and the boy's eyes widened and he shook with fear, staring at them. His eyes darted around nervously, looking for any signs of a sharp object but before he could spot anything, he felt an excruciating pressure on his left eye._

_ He let out a scream and his right eye widened even more as he saw Zaku's sick grin as he pressed his thumb harder onto his eye. It hurt like hell and as his right eye darted around frantically, he saw the shiny blade of a knife glint in the sun. A new twinge of pain shot through him as he realized Zaku's thumb had tilted and his nail was pressing into his eye, but the pain dulled in wake of his new found fear. He felt his heart sink as the knife was lifted, and the maniacal grin widened._

_ "Time to teach Uchiha Itachi a lesson."_

_ "Like fuckin' hell, un!"_

_ And suddenly, the pressure on his eye disappeared and the hands holding his down were gone. Immediately, Tobi brought his left hand and covered his still throbbing eye as he stared at the person who had just possibly saved his life. He recognized him; this was Iwa Deidara, a friend of Itachi's. They weren't exactly friends, as Tobi had very few friends besides his cousins, but Deidara came over frequently._

_ He was short (he remembered that he and the redhead were often made fun of for their height), but he was amazed at how good he was at fighting. Dosu was hit with an elbow to the chest and thrown back into a pile of trash cans, where he laid, completely unconscious after hitting his head against the brick wall. Zaku, who had been knocked over with a sweep to the back of his knees, stood up again, bearing the knife in his right hand. _

_ Tobi cringed as he watched him knock Deidara over and pin him down with his left hand pinned to the blonde's throat. Struggling for air, he clawed at his hand, trying to get him to let go, as Zaku smirked and raised the knife in the air. Tobi looked at his gaze and realized he was planning to aim for Deidara's left eye. He willed himself to move but found he couldn't; he was petrified with fear. Deidara seemed to realize what Zaku planned to do with the knife and his eyes widened but he couldn't move._

_ Just as the knife began to accelerate towards the widened blue eye, Tobi felt his right hand grab a rock and throw it as hard as he could at Zaku's head._

_ It wasn't nearly strong enough to knock him out, but it did deter him from his goal; as the rock collided with Zaku's head, the knife swerved and the blade made a small cut near Deidara's eye. The blonde seized this opportunity, as the grip on his throat faltered, and he immediately reached beside him, picked up the rock that fell, and brought it up, smashing it against the other's head._

_ "Tobi! Come on, you idiot, un!" Deidara yelled as he got up, pushing Zaku's limp body off of him. He grabbed the other boy's hand and they sprinted away from the scene. As they ran, Tobi saw blood trickle down the side of Deidara's face as he kept his left hand over his eye, which was still throbbing in pain. He seemed like an angel with his blonde hair; an angel that just saved his life._

_ Eventually, they reached the Uchiha estate, where Deidara had been heading anyway. The minute Itachi saw the two, he immediately had Kisame, who was over, take them to the hospital as he and Sasuke went back to the alley where Zaku and Dosu were just regaining consciousness. Tobi never asked what happened, but Zaku and Dosu never bothered him again. They barely looked at him in the school hallways and on the rare occasions they bumped into him, they immediately muttered apologies and moved out of his way. _

_ His eye, though not blinded, was severely injured, but Tobi was rather upbeat about it as he realized he could forever wear an eyepatch and look "intimidating", as he put it. Deidara had a small scar but kept it hidden by his blonde fringe. It was odd that they both became friends with injuries regarding their eyes, but Tobi always called it fate, despite Deidara's eye rolls and smacks to the back of Tobi's head._

After that day, Tobi had begun regarding Deidara as some sort of a hero, referring him to "senpai." The blonde rolled his eyes and continued calling him an idiot but always kept an eye out for him. He also found himself surrounded by friends for the first time in his life; along with befriending Deidara came befriending the rest of the gang, meeting people, and for once not being scared and lonely at school.

"Senpai saved Tobi. Literally. Without senpai, Tobi wouldn't have any friends and would still be lonely and scared. Tobi is thankful he met senpai and owes him his life. And thus," Tobi stood up, much to everyone's surprise, and looked at them with a hard look in his single, revealed red eye, "Tobi is going to go visit senpai and offer him his condolences."

"Tobi, you offer condolences when someone dies. Deidara, thankfully, is alive."

"…And offer him his support," Tobi corrected him and looked around, glaring; an expression that was odd for him, "Tobi hopes the rest of you have enough sense to follow Tobi the Leader."

With a final glare, he turned on his heel and followed the same route Konan had taken minutes earlier. The rest of them continued to sit around in silence and stare at each other uncomfortably. They were never saved by Deidara, but they valued him anyway. His recklessness kept everyone on his toes, his optimism cheered them up, his lack of tact helped to ease an awkward situation (or helped accelerate the fight). He was rude, he was blunt, he was immature, but he was also energetic, loyal, and quite simply one of the best friends any of them had ever met.

"…Well?" all eyes riveted to Zetsu, who spoke up for the first time that day. He looked around lazily and shrugged. "**So are we going to go see him or what?**"

**6:31 PM, November 19**

It was bone chilling to be back here.

Sasori looked around the apartment, feeling chills wash over him. The last time he was here, he had been blinded by panic and ran around, looking for him. As he entered, he glanced at the bathroom and looked away quickly, even though it was cleaned. It still brought back a flood of horrible memories that he wanted to repress for the rest of his life.

"Sorry about the mess, un," Deidara said as he opened the refrigerator and pulled out two Pepsis, "Haven't been feeling up to cleaning lately."

"You never clean."

He threw Sasori a can and grinned. "Good point, un."

As the blonde walked over to the television, stepping over clothes and paper plates and pizza boxes on the floor, and rummaged through his pile of DVDs, asking Sasori what movie he felt like watching, the redhead sat down on the bed and realized he had snuck Deidara out of the hospital without alerting anyone.

Not that it was illegal; Deidara _was_ 19 and so he could leave whenever he wanted to. They could tell the hospital that he forgot to check himself out or something. But their friends…

He shrugged as Deidara decided on one and turned the television on, put the movie in, and sat down next to Sasori on the couch. He looked over and smirked as he watched Deidara struggle with the remotes, feeling a very rare sense of normalcy; here they were, watching a movie together on a weekend. Nothing odd, nothing out of place; no tense feelings, no awkward silences.

_Oh well,_ Sasori turned his phone on silent, tossing it to the side as Deidara managed to get the television to work and it began playing, _I doubt they were going to visit him again today._

**6:31 PM, November 19**

It had taken a lot of promising Konan ice cream, candy, and a perfect romantic date (promised by Pein) to get her to look at them as they chased her down on the way to the hospital. They never apologized or admitted that Konan was right, but after several blocks of listening to "we really care about him too" and "we want to help him", she relented and began to talk to them.

By the time they got to the hospital, it was getting dark and chilly. Konan went off to find Deidara and see if he was allowed to leave his room because having everyone in his rather small room would be bad. Itachi tried to call Sasori but was met with nothing but the voicemail and got irritated, deciding Sasori would probably have a chance to see Deidara sometime later. They all waited impatiently for Konan to return with Deidara; after Konan and Tobi's speeches, they suddenly had this overwhelming desire to see him and talk to him. When they heard quick footsteps, they all straightened up, anticipating the two to appear around the corner.

"Guys! Guys! Guys!" Konan came running back into the waiting room alone, her eyes wide and breathing erratic as she looked around, "_Deidara's missing!"_

"What?" a chair was heard falling over as Pein stood up, his eyes wide.

_"What?"_

"What the _fuck_? Where the hell would that idiot go?"

"Call 110!"

"Call the hospital!"

"Dipshit, we're _in_ the hospital!"

"_Senpaiii!"_

"Where's Sasori?"

Phones were whipped out, all calling Sasori at the same time, logic not bothering to tell them no one would be able to reach the rather elusive redhead that way, and Konan was at the desk, banging on the counter as she screamed at the nurses to find the missing patient. Chaos was breaking out but…

**6:44 PM, November 19**

…Sasori was calmer than he had been in a very long time.

Deidara had fallen asleep during the movie and Sasori was left sitting on the couch next to him, smirking as he heard a soft snore every now and then. It was a scary resemblance to "that night"; his eyes were closed and his breathing was shallow. But the difference was that he was _alive;_ unconscious, but completely alive, unlike when he was on the brink of death.

Sighing, he leaned back, being sure not to move too much, and rested his head against the back of the couch. To be honest, he wasn't even sure what the movie was. He spent the past ten or so minutes quietly watching Deidara, trying to memorize every laugh, every smirk, every eye roll just in case…

_It was the last._

He closed his eyes and pushed the thought out of his head, disgusted with himself for thinking it. He was alive and that was what mattered, so why was he still so perturbed by the thought? He let out a long breath slowly, his heart pounding every time he thought about it. He wasn't sure what he preferred; having everything feel normal, like it never happened? Or having a constant reminder? The first would make him happy, but it was like hiding the problem, and Sasori wanted to face it. But the second was too direct, too much of a constant reminder; Sasori wanted to face it but he didn't want it to be in his face all the time. But it seemed like there was no medium; Deidara could either act normal, like he was, or he could be what Sasori thought was his true self: depressed, anxious, stressed, tired, sad.

_No_, he thought immediately, hanging his head, _that's not his true self._ He hated that he had to constantly remind himself: Deidara was still Deidara, depressed or not. He was still Sasori's best friend, still the person he was so in love with, still the same person he grew up with. He was sad, but his sadness didn't change who he was.

Opening his eyes, Sasori glanced over and saw a book with a piece of paper sticking out of it. Curious, he leaned over and picked it up, being careful to not disturb Deidara, and opened it. It was a worn out book but there was very little marking or folding of the pages; somehow, reading a book over and over again always made it bigger. He glanced at the cover again and raised an eyebrow, remember Deidara mentioning this was his favorite book.

Returning his gaze to the page, it was attracted to a single, short sentence highlighted in bright yellow. His eyes widened for a moment before he relaxed into a soft smile at the irony of reading this quote at this precise moment. This moment, a precious moment, was one that Sasori realized he had taken for granted too much. At this moment, he felt complete, whole, safe, happy. He forgot that only being with Deidara could he feel this way, like he was invincible.

_I can feel it.  
><em>

_We're infinite._

**Author's Notes: Thank you for reading, please review!**


	4. control

**.disclaimer : don't own.**

_**.chapter four : "control".**_

* * *

><p><em>"I cannot always control what goes on outside. But I can always control what goes on inside."<strong><br>**_

_**-Wayne Dyer**_

* * *

><p><strong>8:35 AM, November 20<strong>

_ "Um… Sasori… I-I don't mean to alarm you, but, Deidara's… missing… I have no idea what happened! We tried to visit him but he wasn't in his room… we're searching the premises right now. If you know where he is, please, please, please tell us!"_

_ "Dude! Shit just went down! The kid's missing! I don't know where the fucking hell he ran off to, but we're fucking worried!"_

_ "SENPAI IS MISSING, SASORI-SAN."_

Sasori felt his blood run cold as he listened to the messages and his head pounded. He had woken up (he had unknowingly fallen asleep next to Deidara last night) when he heard his phone vibrating noisily on the table next to him. Deidara had stirred slightly (when he woke up, Deidara's head was on his shoulder and his head was on top of the blonde's) when Sasori moved but then proceeded to lean over and lay down on the couch, kicking Sasori in the process.

The redhead slowly removed the phone from his ear and stared at it in silence, vaguely remembering that he thought their friends wouldn't visit him. He immediately face palmed at his stupidity and stood up. He tapped Deidara lightly on the shoulder and, upon getting no response, grabbed the blonde's ankle and pulled, causing him to tumble off the couch and onto the floor. Yelping, he woke up and glared at Sasori, rubbing his head. "What the hell was that for, un? Ever heard of yelling?"

"We need to show you to the others."

"I'm not some exhibitionist, un!"

"They think you're dead."

"Good."

"_Deidara._"

"Fine, fine, un," Deidara muttered and stood up, glaring at Sasori before grinning suddenly. Sasori blinked and raised an eyebrow in surprise at the sudden change in attitude and Deidara laughed before answering. "You didn't take me seriously, un."

The redhead faltered for a moment, realizing what Deidara had said was true before laughing shakily. "Because, as I said yesterday, there's nothing wrong with you." It was scary; what he just said was a cover up. It was almost as if he was getting used to it… how could he get used to Deidara wanting to die? He felt like an awful friend, like he was just accepting it. He wasn't supposed to; he was supposed to keep fighting and persuade Deidara to live.

A sudden knock at the door pulled him out of his daydreaming. Deidara collapsed onto the couch and picked up the remote as Sasori navigated his way through the mess of an apartment. Sighing, he pocketed his phone and reminded himself to call at least one of them back later. He had just turned the doorknob when the door came flying open and he was met face to face with a frazzle and pale Hidan. He seemed surprised to see Sasori but quickly regained his senses and Sasori winced, hearing Hidan's loud voice.

"He's fuckin' missing! So you're looking here? Did you see…" Hidan's voice trailed off as he looked past Sasori and saw Deidara stretched out on the couch, watching television. The magenta eyes slowly riveted back to Sasori and the redhead felt a twinge of fear at the murderous glint and saw his fist clench. He was tempted to slam the door shut, tell Deidara they had to move overseas and change their identities, but realized that it was a stupid plan and he would just accept getting beat up.

"…Uh… please don't kill me?"

**9:31 AM, November 19**

All Sasori had to deal with was a slightly busted lip and a few bruises. Hidan, on the other hand, would have to be afraid of seeing Deidara for the next week or so. He deemed it fair.

The redhead winced and he sat down on a wooden bench, draping his arms over the back of it. He sighed and immediately winced again as he felt a dull pain from his lip. He brushed the corner gingerly with his finger and felt that it was swollen; luckily, though, there was no blood. He sighed again and leaned back, looking up at the sky, enjoying the clear weather. For a November morning, it was oddly nice; he was out in a sweater and he wasn't particularly cold.

After Deidara had pulled Hidan off of Sasori, the trio headed back to the hospital, where Deidara and Sasori made up a story about how Deidara (being 19) decided to leave the hospital, but forgot to check out. The staff bought it, luckily, but reprimanded the two, but it was nothing compared to what the rest of their friends threatened to do to Sasori for "kidnapping" Deidara.

Instantly, he scowled. "I did not _kidnap_ the brat."

"Sasori-san, you were really selfish in kidnapping senpai."

Sasori glanced over and saw Tobi approaching him and stop next to where Sasori was sitting, an unusually solemn and anxious look on his face. The redhead sighed and rolled his eyes; Tobi had been incredibly quiet while the others were reproaching him and he sensed that he was angry. Everyone had gone their separate ways and Sasori had decided to go to the park and take a walk; he decided he desperately needed time alone right now. "I didn't kidnap him. And I wasn't being selfish."

"Yes you were," Tobi said in a low voice, his red eye flashing momentarily, "You didn't tell any of us and just took senpai out of the hospital. It was dangerous, you know! Senpai's not supposed to leave yet; he's not ready! He needs people to take care of him; it's not fair for you to decide that you want him so you just sneak him out. You didn't even tell us; we were so worried."

"If I snuck the brat out of the hospital," Sasori sighed as he stood up and put his hands in his pockets, looking at Tobi, "Don't you think I would've already calculated the risks?" He was tired of hearing that he was being selfish, that Deidara wasn't ready, that he had jeopardized Deidara's life, that he didn't consider what Deidara wanted. They made it sound like he didn't even consider Deidara while sneaking him out, did they really take him for that kind of an idiot? He clenched his fists and turned around, preparing to walk off. "I don't have the patience to deal with you people assuming the worst of you."

"Sasori-san! You could've _killed_ him! Why aren't you more worried about senpai?"

"What is your _problem,_ you half brained twat? You have absolutely no right to tell me how I should be feeling right now—I care for the brat more for my own life and watching him do this to himself is killing myself!" Sasori whirled around and the anger in his tone made Tobi jump slightly, "I didn't sneak him out because I felt like it; I did it because I honestly felt if he was in there for another second he would get worse! I wasn't thinking about myself, okay? I was thinking about him! I want the best for him because… damnit it, I'm in love with him, all right?" he broke off, huffing, and slightly humiliated by the outburst and sudden confession.

"Tobi loves senpai."

"Yes, Tobi," Sasori rolled his eyes and turned around, preparing to walk off and conserve some of his dignity, "I know. Everyone knows."

"No," a sudden shift in Tobi's voice caused the redhead to turn around curiously, "Tobi loves senpai. As in, in love."

Sasori hesitated, as if wondering what to do, but decided to stay. He crossed his arms and leaned against the light pole, watching Tobi. He was quiet and he glanced up at Sasori every now and then, the blush on his cheeks almost matching his red eyes. He played with his fingers and scuffed his shoes on the ground; evidently, he hadn't been planning on confessing this and now that he did, he had no idea how to remedy the situation.

"You're in love with Deidara?" Sasori asked in a low voice; he couldn't help but develop a hard look. He couldn't stand the thought of Deidara being happy and getting better because of someone else. That was _his_ job; he was supposed to be the one to protect him. After all, they were best friends, weren't they? "…How long?"

"…Four years," Tobi mumbled. He scratched his jet black hair awkwardly, still not being able to look Sasori in the eye, "Um, Sasori-san… Tobi is sorry. Tobi… I," he cleared his throat and Sasori was slightly surprised to hear Tobi not refer to himself in the third person, "I never… told anyone. Because I know… that you love senpai. I don't know when or how long, I just remember watching you and senpai together and I can tell. And senpai's happiness is with you; no matter how much I love senpai, I can't make him as happy as you can. So, Sasori-san, please… please be good to senpai. Please make him better. Make him happy again."

Sasori sighed and brought his hand up to his face, pinching the bridge of his nose, his head spinning. Tobi was in love with _Deidara_? He always assumed it was one sided admiration and respect, nothing more than that. Though, he suppose, it did make sense. "…I always thought you and Zetsu had a thing going on."

"Hm? Oh, no! Zetsu-san and Tobi are simply good friends!"

Sasori let out a dry chuckle and stayed quiet for several moments. Millions of thoughts were running through his head, and a sickening realization suddenly hit him. It also made him keel over and it made his blood run cold, but he regained his composure quickly and looked up at Tobi seriously. "Why?"

"…Hm?"

"Why are you in love with Deidara?" he asked simply, relaxing against the pole and looking at Tobi calmly.

"…S-Sasori-san," Tobi blinked and flushed again, "C-can we pretend Tobi never told you that?"

"Tell me."

"Senpai…"

"Deidara. You can't call him 'senpai' for the rest of his life." The nickname did irk him for some reason… he supposed it was because it was too close to Deidara's 'danna' for Sasori.

"…D-Deidara-senpai," Sasori rolled his eyes but decided it was a decent compromise, "was the first person that saved me from bullies. And he always stands up for me. And never leaves me, even though Tobi annoys him. Because Tobi has been alone his whole life and a total stranger saved him that one day and he got a scar because of it. And so, in a way, Deidara-senpai saved Tobi from going down the path he did. So… now Tobi want to save him."

Sasori sighed tiredly, and looked up at Tobi again, scrutinizing him. "So… do you think you could make him happy?"

"Tobi would try his best but, like Tobi said, senpai's happiness is with…"

"Then," Sasori pushed himself off the light pole and put a hand on Tobi's shoulder, smiling slightly, "He's yours. Make him happy."

Sasori turned around and put his hands in his pockets and began to walk off. When he first found out that Tobi was in love with Deidara, he felt sick. And as Tobi was talking, he realized why: he felt sick because he knew Tobi would make Deidara happier than he ever could. Because Deidara had almost died and Sasori didn't even suspect anything and even now, he wasn't even helping him. He was a failure of a friend and couldn't protect him; he couldn't even sit down and talk to Deidara seriously about this.

"Sasori-san! Tobi told you! Senpai's happiness is with _you_!"

"Tobi, take good care of him. I'm entrusting his happiness to you because… because you can do a better job than the horrible one I've been doing." It made him sick to utter this, sick to the core of his stomach. But it was true; he was doing a horrible job. Deidara wasn't getting better and, if anything, things were getting worse. He was actually getting _used_ to the idea that Deidara wanted to die; pretty soon, he would even be _okay_ with it. Sasori couldn't help him; he thought he could, and he wanted to, but he couldn't. He didn't want to think that someone else was the reason why Deidara was still alive but at the same time he didn't want his pride and own desires to be in the way of Deidara living the happy life he deserved.

As he took a step to head home, he suddenly found himself on the ground, laying on his back with a slight dull ache in his head to accompany the pain in his lip. Blinking, he looked up and was surprised to see Tobi hovering on top of him, his brow furrowed in anger and lips quivering.

"Sasori!" the brown eyes widened when the honorific from his name was dropped and he stared at Tobi; one hand had a fistful of his shirt and the other was pulled back and clenched in a fist, just waiting to hit Sasori square in the face, "Stop being so damn _selfish_! Tobi never told anyone because Tobi believed that senpai's happiness lies with you! So Tobi didn't want to risk interfering with that; even before this, all Tobi wanted was for senpai to be happy! And it's not with him; no matter how hard Tobi tries, senpai will never, ever, _ever_ be as happy as he could be with you! Tobi loves him, so, so, _so_ much that he's willing to not tell him and let senpai go. Because if fighting for him will make him sad, then it's not worth it. So… so _don't_ just try to hand him off to me, okay? Tobi… I'm keeping my feelings secret for the sake of his happiness. If you don't think you can make him happy… then stop thinking about yourself. You're just doubting yourself and making up excuses for why you don't want to get close and hurt yourself! This is for senpai; make him happy, because he deserves it!"

Tobi broke off and panted and Sasori was left speechless. He noticed the tears gathering in the corner of Tobi's eyes and his own eyes softened; he didn't realize maybe he was being selfish. Maybe he was thinking about himself and not Deidara; he was only concerned about his future without his best friend and protecting himself. He never bothered to consider Deidara's feelings, if being with Sasori was what would help him.

"If… if you don't make him happy… or if you make senpai sad... Tobi… Tobi will steal him from you. And that's a promise."

Sasori looked back at Tobi, surprised at the resolve. He laughed and ignored Tobi's dumbfounded look. It was comforting, in an odd way, to know that Deidara had two people that loved him. Because if something happened to one of them, there would at least be another person that would do anything to keep him happy. He relaxed into a smile and looked up at Tobi, relief washing over him. "…I'm glad he has you."

"_Tobi_, what the _fuck_ are you doing on top of danna, un?"

"S-senpai?"

Without warning, Tobi let out a yelp as he was wrenched back. Sasori propped himself up on his elbows and saw Deidara glaring at the red eyed boy, holding him by the back of his shirt, scowling heavily. "What were you doing to danna, you annoying fly, un?"

"S-Sasori-san fell! So Tobi was helping him back up!"

"It's true," Sasori said when Deidara looked over for confirmation. He stood up and dusted some of the dirt off his clothes, smirking. "I tripped. He was trying to help me up but ended up falling on top of me."

"…Why did you look like you were going to punch him then, un?"

"Uh… Tobi tried to pull Sasori-san up by his hand… but missed grabbing his wrist and… pulled back anyway?"

Deidara stared at Tobi for a few moments, his eyes piercing through Tobi's red ones. Finally, he relented and let go of the younger boy's shirt, sighing. "That does sound like something you'd do, un. Go home. You smell horrible, un."

"Senpai?"

"What?"

Sasori couldn't help but laugh at Deidara's expression when Tobi threw his arms around him briefly and then ran off, leaving Deidara bewildered and looking extremely annoyed. He scowled in the general direction Tobi ran off in and turned back to Sasori, still frowning. "Why were you two together, un? Strange pairing."

"We're both connected because of you." _Completely true._

"Ah. Well," Deidara shrugged and brushed past Sasori, "I'll see you later danna, un."

"See you." He didn't even bother asking; seldom did they meet up by chance and decide not to do something together. It happened, just not frequently. And Sasori knew by now that when it happened, it meant the other wanted to be alone and he shouldn't try to pry. If Deidara wanted him to know, he would tell him. Simple as that.

He watched Deidara steer off the path and head into the woods; he had a feeling Deidara was going to the hideout they had found when they were little. He smirked and turned around, heading home. He was worried, of course, about Deidara; he didn't know what he would do. Usually he would let the brat wander off by himself but now Sasori had uneasy feelings about letting Deidara do anything alone.

But if he tried to control him, Deidara would feel even more suffocated and trapped, and would want some kind of a release, which, to him, was death. Sasori shuddered at the thought and quickly brushed it off as he hailed a taxicab and instructed the driver to take him home. _He'll be okay,_ he thought quietly, looking out the window as the cab began moving, _He'll be okay._

**9:47 AM, November 22**

_"What I have, I suppose, is a very mild form of anorexia nervosa."_

Two days had passed since the incident in the park. Deidara was in his apartment (Sasori had called under the false pretense of leaving his keys there) and Tobi avoided him at all costs. This particular morning, Sasori was walking around his apartment, listening to the second of the set of tapes he had. He counted them this morning and noticed there were only six, one for each reason.

He stood at the kitchen counter and poured the hot water into his instant ramen. It wasn't the healthiest breakfast but it was the most convenient and Sasori, as of recently, had no motivation to make himself a gourmet breakfast. As he closed the lid and put his chopsticks on top to keep it down, he leaned against the island, returning his attention to the tape. This one was about anorexia, which he had already written down on his notepad. It was depressing to listen to these, but he forced himself to; if he wanted to lessen Deidara's pain, he would have to understand it.

_"I used to scoff in school when they said anorexia was about the feeling of control, un. Because it's just food, right? So what if you can control what you eat? Is that really supposed to make you feel better about yourself, un? I always thought it was pathetic."_

Sasori winced as some of the hot water spattered onto him as he began to mix the noodles. He brought his hand up to his face and blew gently, suddenly realizing the irony of eating while listening to Deidara talk about anorexia.

_"But then… I don't know, un. I guess in some small part of my brain, it made complete sense. Because not only was I exercising will power to control what I eat, I was also proving to myself that my mind was stronger than my body. And that was so important to me, un. Because I felt like I couldn't control my thoughts; they were taking over. But whenever I went a whole day without eating, that was proof that I could control my mind and what I wanted. I was still in charge of my brain, un."_

Sasori was just about to have a mouthful of ramen before he realized he had no appetite. Scowling, he put the chopsticks down and headed over to the couch, where he laid down with the tape player next to him. As he got comfortable, he picked up a marionette doll he had made and played with it absentmindedly as he continued listening to the tape, neglecting to notice his door open.

_"And then I began exercising, un. Not excessively… just running… lifting weights… Honestly, I still don't know why. Maybe to prove to myself that my mind was stronger than my body? Even though I didn't want to and even though I was so sure I was going to pass out, I'd keep exercising, un. It's weird, un. And, well, obviously I began to get thinner too, but as you can see it wasn't horribly noticeable… still healthy, un! Well… I was healthy."_

He heard a light laugh and he shivered, remembering that at the time of recording, Deidara was sure he would be dead by the time Sasori heard this. His eyes were closed as he mulled over this thought and was suddenly glad he didn't eat his breakfast. If he did, it would undoubtedly be all over the carpet right now…

"Danna, you listen to music when you sleep now, un?"

_Shit._ Sasori jolted and immediately hit pause on the tape player and shoved it beneath a pillow, his eyes wide as he stared at Deidara, who was leaning over the couch and peering at him strangely. He glanced briefly at the tape player that Sasori, unsuccessfully, tried to stealthily concealed and ignored it; he and Sasori had a mutual understanding of not probing in each other's business. His own (still missing) tapes flashed through his mind but he ignored it because Sasori would never lie to him.

"Just… that once. Why are you here?" he changed the topic and sat up. He glanced past Deidara and was reminded of the time Itachi snuck into his house but he didn't mind if it was Deidara. The blonde had a talent for picking locks anyway and he had come over so many times that the concierge would let him into Sasori's apartment if he asked. He reminded himself to take note of this in the future so he wouldn't have to worry about Deidara walking in on him listening to the tapes.

"Found your keys, un. That's how I got in too," Deidara answered and threw a set of keys at Sasori. The redhead blinked and stared at the keys, surprised at how his initial lie had turned out to be the truth. _Irony at its finest._

"…Anything else?"

"You don't want me here, un? Well, I guess I could go home then… alone…"

"No," immediately, without thinking, Sasori's hand shot out and gripped Deidara's wrist. He was surprised at how frail it seemed and the words from the tape replayed in his mind. As he looked over Deidara, he could tell that he was eating less. He didn't look like a skeleton, but he was paler and thinner; it was evident he was eating less. The only reason that no one noticed the drastic difference was probably because he looked slender, probably a result of his constant exercise. But his eyes, those baby blue eyes, gave it away. Empty, hollow, _sad._

"Do you… do you want something to eat?" Sasori asked and let go of Deidara's wrist after another moment. The blonde stared at where Sasori had held his hand just moments earlier before smiling slightly and nodding. Sasori felt a rush of relief but immediately hid it as he got up and went to the kitchen, opening and closing cupboards as he looked for food. As he was met with either empty shelves or expired cans of peaches, he scowled, hearing Deidara laugh.

"It's fine, un. I'm not hungry anyway…"

"No," Sasori interjected immediately, to Deidara's surprise, "You're going to eat."

The blonde raised an eye but watched quietly as Sasori went through a few more cupboards before giving up and pulling out a take out menu. He pulled out his cell phone and hit a key (Deidara assumed it was on auto dial) and he held it to his ear with his shoulder and ran his eyes over the menu, glancing up briefly as if asking what Deidara wanted.

"Bakudan, un."

"It's Chinese."

"Fried rice, un."

"All right. Hello? Yeah, I'd like to place an order…"

Deidara turned around and returned to the couch where he sat down. Idly, his eyes glanced at the cassette player—really, Sasori was _so_ old fashioned—when he frowned, realizing the tape looked awfully familiar. The white sticker with the scrawly handwriting… he leaned forward and was prepared to look at it when…

"Brat, get over here."

Deidara sighed and reluctantly stood up, heading over to where Sasori was. He expected Sasori to demand that he do some mindless calculations as Sasori did the "real" math (that was how they worked together; Sasori figured out what to do and when, and Deidara just did the calculations like a human calculator). But when he got there, he saw the redhead flipping through some papers, shoving them at the blonde when he got close enough. "What are these, un?" Deidara asked, flipping through them.

"Papers."

"Well, obviously. What for, un?"

"You're obviously not going to school, right?" Sasori asked lazily, smirking, "Papers for you to sign and fill out. They guarantee that you'll keep up with the work. Finals and tests will be administered in my presence…"

"…They think they can't cheat if they make my best friend watch me, un?"

"They like to think that since I'm smart that I also have morals."

"So why do you have the same papers, un?" Deidara asked, looking at the papers in Sasori's hands. Slowly, he looked up to meet Sasori's gaze, surprised at the smirk.

"Same situation as you. Taking the rest of the year off. Not like I'd need the credits anyway…"

"But… why, un?"

"Simple," Sasori shrugged, "You'll be bored. You'll be lonely. You'll be texting me during class anyway and I won't be able to concentrate. And you'll need a full time tutor and I've learned all this stuff before already."

"But… you're going to administer my tests…"

"Yeah, the school board has a lot of faith in me."

"…You think I'm going to try to kill myself again, un."

Sasori's eyes widened and he looked away hastily, scowling lightly at Deidara's sudden accusation. This was the primary reason why he decided to do the same thing that Deidara was going to do; he was scared that one day during chemistry lecture, the dean would come in and he would have to hear that Deidara had succeeded. But he had hoped that Deidara wouldn't realize this and he suddenly realized how stupid he was. Maybe Sasori was the straight A student but Deidara was extremely bright; he just didn't put it to use in school.

"I…"

"Danna," Deidara held up a hand, smiling sadly, "I appreciate the gesture, un. But it won't work; I guarantee it. I don't know why I'm this way and I don't think it'll ever go away, un. You don't have to change your life to try to save mine. I give up, all right?"

Deidara had begun talking without thinking too much about it. But as soon as he looked at Sasori, he realized he was being tactless. Sasori never looked surprised; he was almost always in control and expecting everything that was thrown his way. But right now his eyes were wide and he looked like a part of him just died; he was silent, terrified, and pale. And Deidara felt horrible; this was why he didn't want to talk about "that night," because this was what it would result in. He didn't want to face Sasori and he didn't want Sasori to know what he was really like.

"I… I'm sorry, un," Deidara scratched the back of his head awkwardly, looking away, "I… I didn't mean… all of it. It's an exaggeration…"

"I'm going to help you."

The blonde looked up in surprise and was met with an adamant gaze. "I'm going to help you," he repeated, "You're… sad. I don't know why, but I'm going to figure it out and I'm going to help you. I… want my best friend back. I'll spend the rest of my life with you if I have to, to make sure you don't do something stupid and to figure it out. You're… not beyond repair."

_Yes I am, danna. _

But despite the thought, he laughed, feeling some of his guilt evaporate when he saw Sasori relax into a smile. "Thank you, un."

**1:21 PM, November 22**

"Tobi really, really likes you."

Deidara looked up in surprise at the words Sasori spoke. After eating the takeout that arrived for a rather early lunch, they decided to put aside any school related things that had to be taken care of and relax; sculpting for Deidara and puppetry for Sasori. Sasori was working on a marionette (a rather large creepy one that he had already named Hiruko) and Deidara was absentmindedly playing with a ball of clay, molding it into something before scrapping it and starting over. They sat in a content silence like they always did while playing around with their respective arts. Silence helped to focus, yet each other's companies reminded them they weren't alone and could seek inspiration if needed.

"I know, un. A bit too much."

Sasori didn't know what Deidara was thinking (he was slightly scared of what Deidara was thinking, to be honest), but he couldn't stop thinking about Tobi. He felt a pang of guilt whenever he saw Deidara now. He couldn't imagine having Deidara treat him the way he treated Tobi (it wasn't that he was mean, it was just that he wouldn't want to lose the closeness they had) or watching Deidara obviously prefer someone else over him. He wondered how Tobi felt suddenly watching him and Deidara spend so much time together and how Tobi felt when he heard of Deidara's attempt.

How much did Tobi suffer in silence because he wanted Deidara to be happy?

"Do you hate him?" the redhead asked simply and tested one of Hiruko's arms. It felt wobbly, he decided, and reached over for a screwdriver as he waited for Deidara's answer. He wasn't going to "hand" Deidara over by any means for two reasons: Deidara was not an object that could be given and Sasori was not going to step down from his "best friend" position unless he was positive that person could do a better job of keeping Deidara happy. Sullenly, he realized that anyone could do a better job than he was at the moment.

"Hm? No," Deidara laughed as he reached over for a toothpick and began making criss cross patterns on the clay so the other clay piece he was going to attach would stick better, "It seems like it but I don't, un. He annoys the shit out of me and sometimes I want to throw him into the ocean, but he's entertaining, I guess. Never a dull moment around him, un."

"Would you… ever…" Sasori paused and swallowed a hard lump in his throat, "…fall in love with him?"

He would do anything for Deidara's happiness, whether or not Tobi believed it. If Deidara needed someone like Tobi, someone that would entertain him and keep him on his toes, then Sasori would silently step down and let him find his happiness. His own desires couldn't have a place in this. He loved Deidara, he really did, and this, Sasori thought, was what love was really about: letting the one you love find his happiness, even if it means letting him go.

Deidara looked up slowly, strangely, and with a confused look. A blonde eyebrow was raised and the blue eyes peered at him questioningly; his hands, for the first time since they started, were completely still. "Danna, you've got to be joking, un."

"…Why not?" He hated to say it, but he felt immensely relieved.

"Because we're just friends, un. I can barely stand him as a friend sometimes, how would I stand him as a lover? I don't want someone hyperactive like him, un. I want someone that'll balance out _my_ hyperactiveness. Besides," he added as an afterthought as he returned to his sculpture, "he's got something with Zetsu, un."

Sasori opened his mouth but closed it and looked down at Hiruko again. He felt guilty for feeling so relieved, but he couldn't help it. Losing Deidara would be the worst thing that could happen to him, but he couldn't be happy that Tobi would never have him either. He smiled suddenly; it was relieving to know he wasn't going to lose Deidara just yet.

"Why were you asking about Tobi, un? Is it because of the park incident?"

Sasori looked up and saw Deidara looking at his sculpture, asking his question without looking at the redhead. Though he couldn't see his eyes, he knew Deidara was hiding something; he thought something more had happened at the park. But Sasori couldn't tell him; he couldn't reveal Tobi's feelings because that wouldn't be fair to Tobi and if he did he'd have to reveal his own, his own feelings that he swore would not be allowed to interfere with their relationship.

"Nothing," he answered as he finished tightening another screw, "Just wondering because aside from me you seem to socialize with Tobi the most often."

Deidara let out a mental sigh of relief when he heard this. He was so sure Tobi had let something slip, let Sasori know that he was in love with him at the park. Because as clumsy as Tobi was, he wouldn't knock Sasori over and then straddle him with his fist pulled back; something else had happened and neither of them were willing to tell him. He couldn't openly pry about it with Sasori and Tobi was avoiding him like the plague, leaving him confused and paranoid.

When Sasori was asking him about Tobi, the blonde wanted nothing more than to tell Sasori that he wasn't and would never be in love with Tobi (a completely ludicrous idea to begin with) because he was so madly in love with Sasori. He had told Tobi it would be all right to tell Sasori, but that was a lie. He would be crushed if Sasori knew, crushed even if Sasori reciprocated the feelings. Because those feelings in this particular situation would lead Sasori to blame himself for "that night", something Deidara did not want. And feelings like these ruined friendships and Deidara would do anything to keep everything the way it was now. Even though Sasori would be out of reach if he kept his feelings a secret, he was still his best friend. It was close enough, he figured. As long as they spent time together, he would be happy.

"I didn't do it to hurt you, un."

He blurted it out suddenly and felt Sasori look up in surprise. He never clarified what 'it' was but they both knew; it was like an unspoken agreement that they would never define 'it', but they both knew what the event it referred to was. He sighed and carefully molded the clay so some of the curves were more defined, using it to let out his nervous energy. "I didn't. Hurting you is the last thing that's on my mind, un."

He heard a soft laugh and when he looked up, he wanted to cry suddenly. Sasori rarely smiled and when he did, Deidara couldn't help but smile back because Sasori smiling meant something extremely good. But this soft, sad little smile that lingered on his lips broke his heart; he looked so heartbroken and so tired and Deidara knew he was the root of all that pain.

"I know."

**7:37 PM, November 22**

They spent the rest of the afternoon doing, essentially, nothing.

They had gone to the park to look at what kids were molding in the sandbox and discuss, well actually they argued, what art really was. They went to an art store, they went to buy food, they walked around campus. They talked about everything and anything—everything and anything except "it."

And now Sasori was back in his apartment, laying on the couch with his headphones on and finger resting lazily on the play button. He had yet to push it because he hated listening to these. It was depressing, painful, and wrong because he had lied to his best friend to keep them. But he had to listen to them, despite how much he felt his morals slip away with each passing word.

While they were out together, it felt scarily normal again. But once in a while, Sasori would glance over and see sadness lingering on a laugh or a smile. Sadness permeated his aura, sadness laced his expression, sadness suddenly seemed to define him. He tried to make Deidara laugh and smile; he tried everything possible, by taking him to his favorite places, making an idiot out of himself, and trying to do everything that Deidara loved. It seemed to work initially; he looked like he was having a good time, but as time passed, his energy lessened. And it was then that Sasori realized he wasn't helping at all. He was trying to make things go back to normal by ignoring the problem. He thought by doing what they used to do, everything would be solved, but that was so wrong. He was completely ignoring the real problem, trying to cover it up with superficial means; he wasn't making anything better, he wasn't helping, if anything, he was making it worse.

Sighing, he pressed the button and closed his eyes. Folding his hands behind his head, he relaxed, trying to keep an open mind as Deidara's voice occupied his mind again.

_"I… I'm sad. I wanted a distraction, un. Hunger was a good distraction; when I was hungry, that's all I could think about. I wanted food… I wanted something filling. But I couldn't; because that would mean my body was stronger than my mind, un. So I wouldn't eat or drink; I'd go work out to distract myself from the pain. Now… well, now I still believe it was a good method. But I can see it from a normal person's view; it's stupid, it's dangerous, and it solves nothing, un. But I don't care. It worked for me; I'd temporarily forget my pain, un."_

Sasori growled and hit pause. Today when he went out with Deidara, he so badly wanted to grab him by the shoulders and shake him. _Why?_ he wanted to ask; why did he do this? Why was his mentality like this? What had happened? When did this start? What did he do wrong, where did he go wrong? So many questions plagued his mind but he knew he couldn't ask because Deidara wasn't ready nor willing.

He didn't want to draw attention to himself; he didn't want to seem like an attention seeker, because he really wasn't. Deidara needed the attention right now; he had to know that everyone was there for him. But Sasori couldn't suffer by himself much longer. He wanted someone to listen to him and tell him it would be okay, much like what he was trying to do for Deidara. He didn't want to whine and complain, but he was scared out of his wits. He needed a sign, somebody that was willing to listen to him…

"Aka-fucking-suna, you should really learn how to lock your damn door."

Hitting play, Sasori opened his eyes and frowned as he saw Hidan. He rolled his eyes, cursing the deities for a moment. _Really, Hidan? Whatever, better than no one, I guess._

"Hey! Dickwad, are you listening?"

"Hold on or I'll call the brat over."

Hidan opened his mouth but thought against it and sat down on one of the opposing couches. He crossed his legs and scowled, occasionally glaring at Sasori. The redhead smirked and sat up as the tape finished playing; he had finished listening to it (he was able to multitask very efficiently), and it didn't make him feel any better, but it was done with—for now.

_"Now… I say mild because I don't starve myself. I eat. I don't exercise insanely. I do it regularly, un. And anorexics don't realize they have a problem… I realize I have a problem. So technically… I'm not an anorexic, right, un? Like being depressed… I don't have a specific reason for feeling so sad but I do. So… sometimes I feel like a fake and that makes me feel worse." _

The last words rang in his head, about feeling like a fake and it making him feel worse. Sighing again, he looked down and gripped the couch. "Hidan. I need you to do what you do best: shut up, sit still, and pretend to listen to me. Don't ask why and don't say anything. Just listen to me stupidly."

Because Sasori was going to help Deidara. He was going to do anything he could to help him and he was going to "fix" him.

But first he had to make sure _he_ wasn't going to lose his mind first.

**Author's Notes: TobiDei! …DeiTobi? Either way, it's onesided. I don't know what I'm going to do with it (there will be ZetsuTobi… TobiZetsu?) in the future, with or without some TobiDei/DeiTobi before that. I'm wary of doing love triangles because they're so often used… but if you'd like one, please tell me in a review. Sorry for the lame ending; I didn't know where or how else to end it. Thank you for reading, please review!**


	5. relapse

**.disclaimer : don't own.**

_**.chapter five : relapse.**_

* * *

><p><em>"Sometimes I feel incredibly disconnected, uncomfortable in my own skin. Or kind of like I don't fit into this world. Like I was born at the wrong time, and I don't belong."<em>

_**-Haley James Scott**_

* * *

><p><strong>11:32 PM, November 23<strong>

Deidara opened his eyes blearily, squinting at the sunshine. _I hate the damn sun, un. Why can't someone turn the stupid star off?_

He stretched and rolled over on his bed, accidentally rolling straight into the wall. Groaning, he rubbed his nose in pain as he rolled onto his back and stared up at the ceiling silently. _Danna… what are you doing right now?_ The thought invaded his mind before he had a chance to try to squash it and he closed his eyes, smiling slightly. He remembered going out with Sasori yesterday, feeling the most content he had in a while. Of course, he had his lapses of sadness, but aside from those, he had felt so happy to just be out with Sasori and talking about art. Maybe Sasori didn't recognize it (he realized the redhead caught him looking depressed often), but Deidara _did_ have a good time yesterday.

_Please don't blame yourself,_ he thought instantly, _it's not your fault._

He rolled over onto his side and folded an arm beneath the pillow, closing his eyes slowly, wondering what he was going to do today. He could finish the sculpture he was working on… go outside and run around the track field…

Immediately, he opened his eyes and scowled. He forgot that Iruka (saintly, annoying as hell Iruka) contacted the school and told them about his "obsessive exercising." He was now banned from track fields and he never knew if there were people watching him, so running outside at all was risky because his apartment was uncomfortably close to the school grounds.

_Guess I could go to the school today…_ he grabbed his phone and sent a text to Sasori. As 'sent' flashed on the screen, he threw it onto his mattress and stretched, awaiting his reply. When he heard a 'ping' he jumped and grabbed the phone, sliding the lock key, seeing a new green bubble below the grey one he had sent.

_Danna—you want to go to the school today?_

_ Yeah, I'm at your door right now. Open up, brat._

Deidara stared at the text and laughed as he rolled out of bed, quickly pulling on a pair of jeans and grabbing a jacket that was thrown carelessly on the floor. Five minutes in the bathroom and five more to find his keys and money, resulting in ten minutes having elapsed and when Deidara yanked the door open, Sasori was, expectedly, looking rather irritated with his crossed arms, tapping foot, and scowl.

"Twelve minutes."

"Would've been shorter if you told me you were coming over, un," Deidara retorted as he pulled his door closed and locked it. He pocketed his key and began walking down the hallway towards the elevator when he felt a strange look from Sasori. Looking over, he frowned at the raised eyebrow and half smirk. "What, un?"

"Did a bird nest in your hair last night?" Sasori laughed at Deidara's sudden change in expression from confused to angry as he pulled out a hair tie from his pocket and hastily pulled his hair into a low side ponytail, using his fingers to attempt to make it look somewhat neat. They stopped in front of the elevator and waited for it to arrive.

Sasori glanced over briefly and averted his gaze quickly when he felt Deidara start to turn to him. He had to come to an epiphany last night after having a staring contest with Hidan for a while. Once Sasori sat him down, he tried to talk but, for whatever odd reason, found he couldn't.

_"Okay, Akasuna, you've been staring at me for at least five fucking hours now. Are you going to say something or what?" Hidan sounded confident but he was incredibly freaked out. He had traipsed into Sasori's apartment mainly for a homework assignment but he found himself sitting on the couch and having a staring contest with the redhead. He said he wanted to talk but he said nothing; he just stared silently._

_ Sasori couldn't believe he couldn't say anything. Here was someone that would listen, someone that didn't know anything, someone he could unload on. But he couldn't say anything—why? He had so much going on, so much pressure, but not a single word could be uttered._

_ "I…" for the first time in several hours, he spoke, "I…"_

_ "You…?"_

_ "I…" _I'm scared. I'm lonely. I'm terrified. I'm to blame. I'm a mess. I'm the reason. I'm horrible_._

_ "You…?"_

_ "I… think you should go."_

Sasori still wondered why Hidan only took one swing at him.

He decided that he couldn't _talk_ to anyone because he was like Deidara; Deidara couldn't _talk_ to anyone either. No matter how badly he wanted to express everything, he could say nothing because he didn't know how to express it. All the emotions and pain was suffocating but no words could express them. The elevator opened and they entered, the redhead smirking when he beat the blonde to pressing the button to go to the lobby.

So while Sasori couldn't talk to Hidan, he decided he would spend as much time as possible with Deidara and try to help him. Because, he figured, maybe his pain could be lessened if he saw Deidara getting better. Because the root of all this was Deidara's pain so if that was lessened then his should too. It was funny how they were so connected without actually knowing out it, being connected by pain that they didn't even understand.

"Elevators scare me, un."

Sasori looked over in surprise as the doors closed and they began moving downwards. He noticed that Deidara jumped slightly and had his arms crossed, his eyes focusing downwards on his shoes. He never noticed this fear of elevators from him—was it something that recently developed? "Sorry, we can…"

"It's okay, un," Deidara immediately slipped out of the elevator before the doors even fully opened. He let out a breath and looked more relaxed as he and Sasori headed out of the apartment complex. He was even smiling, but Sasori learned to not be fooled by it; just because he was smiling, it didn't mean that he was happy. A smile, to Deidara, was meant to deceive everyone and to not have to answer any questions. And he hated to admit it, but they fooled Sasori too, up until "that night." Now he trusted none of the blonde's smiles; some were more genuine than others, but none were truly genuine.

"Are you… claustrophobic?"

"…Yeah," Deidara laughed slightly as they walked down the sidewalk together, absentmindedly heading towards campus, "Guess I am, un. I didn't use to be… you know that, right? When we were little, I'd always hide in the tiniest and cramped places, un…"

"You were a contortionist."

"Yeah," he laughed again and shrugged, "But as I grew up… small spaces scare me, un. They make me feel trapped and I can't get out. They suffocate me and restrain me, kind of like…" he faltered and closed his mouth, leaving his sentence unfinished because he didn't want to alarm Sasori. But to his surprise, his best friend finished his sentence for him.

"Life," the redhead stated plainly, glancing at Deidara and smiling slightly, "Right? It's okay; I'd rather have you honest and hurt me than have you lie and keep things to yourself."

When Deidara didn't answer, he looked over again and was surprised to see a skeptical look on the blonde's face. "…What?"

"You're…" Deidara paused and laughed slightly, "You're… taking this a lot better than I had imagined, un. I thought you wouldn't want to talk about it at all… pretend it never happened, stuff like that."

"I do," Sasori answered, "But I can't. That would be easier for both of us, but I don't care about it being easy. I… don't want anything like that to ever happen again and it's going to be awkward and hard but… I'm going to make you talk about this eventually. Because I want to help you, and to do that, I have to be willing to listen." He sounded confident; he was much more confident than he sounded. Because as he was saying this, he was scared. Just the thought of Deidara doing… _that_ again was terrifying and he didn't want to think about it, how could he?, but he had to stay strong, otherwise who would?

"Danna, un."

Deidara had stopped walking and Sasori did too, to look at him.

"You don't have to do that, un."

"I don't have to do anything," Sasori answered, but smiled slightly, "But I do. Because… because you're my best friend."

After a brief pause, Deidara laughed and they continued their walk towards the school. They began talking again, but about classes and how it would be so nice to do their assignments at home. They seemed to talk about everything except anything pertaining to "that night" and as Deidara watched Sasori, he saw that the redhead looked more relaxed, and he smirked, knowing he was right.

_Danna, I don't want to talk about my suicide attempt with you because it's obviously hurting you to talk about it, un. I don't want to hurt you; I don't want to make you suffer. Only I should suffer, I'm the only one that deserves to suffer._

_ Please stop pushing yourself for me._

_ I don't deserve it._

**1:37 PM, November 23**

"So they came to school today, huh?"

Kakuzu nodded as Hidan glanced over his shoulder and out the window of the empty classroom he and Kakuzu decided to use for their study hall. The silver haired man smirked. "They've got guts. So how many fuckers stared at blondie?"

"Everyone."

"How many did Akasuna try to shut up?"

"Everyone."

"And… how many shut up?"

"Everyone."

"Hmm," Hidan nodded, humming in satisfaction, "Used the ol' death glare, huh? That shit's scary…" Kakuzu didn't answer and Hidan glanced over and when he saw that Kakuzu was looking at him with a tiny smile, he raised an eyebrow. "What's wrong with your face, douchebag?"

"Don't pretend I didn't see you beat up anyone that raised even an eyebrow at Deidara. See, now you've reinforced rumors that we're in a gang."

Hidan scowled and looked away, blushing slightly. "It's called loyalty, asshole! And hey, what's wrong with being in a gang?"

"In high school, it's okay. In college, we might get arrested," Kakuzu muttered. Their group of friends had been nicknamed the "Akatsuki" once they were all in college. It was obviously false, they weren't a gang, necessarily. They just… always stuck together, threatened people if one of their own was threatened, and he supposed they _did_ look frightening. Itachi had his Uchiha name, Kisame who looked like a body builder, Pein with his piercings and silence, Konan who had Pein, he had his glare, Hidan had his horrible mouth, Sasori had his prodigal brain, and Deidara was famed for his short temper and explosives. Even the mild mannered ones were scary seeming: Zetsu and his odd appearance and Tobi with his red eye.

When Tobi wasn't talking, and was just spacing out, he could look quite intimidating.

"Who gives a shit what others think about us? We'll beat the fuck out of them!"

"This is exactly why they think we're in a gang."

Kakuzu smirked and easily dodged the pencil that Hidan threw at him. He turned another page and continued reading in silence, his dark eyes scanning over the worn pages of the book quickly. After a few minutes, he looked up in surprise and confusion; why was he not interrupted? Hidan hated it when Kakuzu ignored him and would do anything to get his attention. He was such a child in that way; no matter how much he swore and how tough his demeanor was, he still craved attention.

Kakuzu referred to him as an attention whore quite frequently.

When he looked up, Hidan was still perching on the window sill, but he was staring outside blankly. He looked uncharacteristically serious and still, as if he was contemplating something. Kakuzu couldn't help but be extremely intrigued by this; what strange force of nature even managed to calm Hidan down? "Hey moron, what's wrong?"

"Sasori tried to talk to me last night."

"…So? You guy talk all the time; you swear at each other. Rather, you swear at him and he owns you…"

"No," Hidan said slowly, frowning, "About Deidara. He didn't say much, just stared at me for five hours. Fucking annoying, to be honest… but I don't know. It was scary. Because he couldn't say anything. It was… weird. I mean, the midget's usually quiet, but not because he's at a loss for words."

"…So what're you going to do about it?" Kakuzu asked, returning his gaze to his book. He was worried but he didn't show it; expressing emotion was never his strong point. But that didn't mean he didn't care. "It's not like you to have something bother you and not do anything about it."

He heard Hidan sighed contemplatively, still staring out the window.

"…I'm going to talk to Deidara."

**8:53 PM, November 23**

Blearily, Sasori opened his eyes. As he turned to his window, he expected to have to squint at the bright sun, but frowned in confusion when it was dark out. He pushed himself up on his bed and rubbed his eyes; certainly the sun set earlier since it was late in the year, but it shouldn't set _this_ early… He shook his head and looked at his alarm clock, eyes widening as 8:53 stared him right in the eye.

_Well, crap. I just slept away an entire day._

He sighed and tried to sit up, but found he couldn't. With one hand still rubbing his eye, he looked over and saw Deidara, with his limbs splayed out as he slept next to Sasori on the bed. He sighed in annoyance, but smiled nonetheless. This was the issue with sleepovers with Deidara. He'd _always_ find his way onto the bed, _always_ make Sasori wake up with a limb or two preventing him from getting up, and _always_ end up hitting Sasori because he hated being woken up.

But the good news was that Sasori knew that Deidara always punched with his right hand, throwing a punch on a forty three point nine degree angle. And so after Sasori shook Deidara gently, he moved to the side, caught the fist, and waited for the blue eyes to open. When they did, they were met with a raised eyebrow. A few blinks, and he grinned.

"Hi danna, un."

"It's night time."

Deidara looked around and shrugged; a much more relaxed reaction than Sasori's. "Great, un. Best way to pass the day."

Sasori laughed and slid off the bed, stretching. He tried to remember what he and Deidara did after going to school, but all he could remember were people whispering and pointing at Deidara. College, unfortunately, was much like high school; rumors got around quickly and everyone knew of "that night." The rumors, of course, were exaggerated and false, but they had the same general idea: he had tried to kill himself and failed.

Sasori had glared at everyone, effectively silencing them. Without words, he managed to convey _shut up, leave him alone, or I'll mess you up badly._ He also saw Hidan take care of some of the more persistent gossipers and he was grateful for that. As for if Deidara noticed them… he wasn't sure, but he _had_ to have. He just didn't talk about them and it wasn't exactly a topic Sasori was comfortable bringing up.

And suddenly, he felt this anger bubble over. Why didn't he want to talk about it? Did years of friendship not warrant trust? Was he not comfortable? Even one little sentence would comfort Sasori, but Deidara said absolutely nothing. He could only think of two reasons: he didn't trust Sasori and wasn't comfortable around him or he was planning on death and decided he could suffer in silence for a bit longer because it would all end.

"What're we going to eat, un? I'm starving…"

_Does it really matter?_ Sasori couldn't help but think and he immediately felt horrible for thinking that. Wasn't he supposed to be supportive? He knew he couldn't magically "fix" Deidara in an instant, but he also didn't realize it would be so hard, that he'd have to be _so_ patient. Being patient was not his strong point, but he was so sure he could deal with it for his best friend.

"Uh… take out, I guess."

"Danna, are you all right?"

"Yeah… yeah," Sasori shook his head to snap himself out of his daze. He walked over to his desk and looked around for a menu, but couldn't find it and he scowled. He kept himself organized for a reason, he wanted to yell, he filed everything away carefully so something like this would never happen. "Menu… menu…"

"Danna, you never order from your room, un. It's in the kitchen, isn't it? You'd never eat Chinese in your room either because the smell is so strong, un," Deidara commented, watching him get increasingly more agitated as he couldn't find the menu. When Deidara's reasoning hit him, Sasori stopped instantly and stared blankly at the now uncharacteristically messy desk; papers that were usually in place and corners were matched up were strewn all over the desk, over the closed laptop and books, and sticking out of their folders. Blue eyes scanned the desk and the redhead, his frown deepening. "Are you… sure you're all right, un?"

"…No. I mean, yes."

"Danna, you said no first," Deidara said slowly, adopting a stern and concerned look, "What's wrong, un?"

"Nothing. I meant yes." Sasori gripped the back of his chair when he heard Deidara ask him what was wrong, a simple question that shouldn't have been such a big deal. But how could Deidara just ask him that, when those two words were what he wanted to ask him more than anything but wasn't allowed to because he "wasn't ready," because he "didn't want to," because he'd "tell him later." What gave him the right to ask Sasori why he was asking strange for the past five minutes; why couldn't Sasori ask him why was he different, when did everything change, what happened, how did it happen?

_Why does he get to be the one with the answers? He knows himself and now he wants to know me; why do I have to be the one that doesn't know anything? I'm supposed to be helping him, why can't I help him, why can't I help him, __**why can't I help him?**_

"Danna? Are you all right, un?" Deidara still received no answer and sighed. He decided it had to be because he was hungry, and so he stood up and walked past Sasori. He was about two steps from the door when he paused and turned around. "I'm going to get you the menu, un. Are you sure you're… all right?"

"I'm frustrated, all right?"

Deidara's blue eyes widened at the outburst from the normally calm and controlled Sasori. He took a step back, keeping a careful eye on Sasori, noting his disheveled hair, tired eyes, and pale skin. He looked stressed, he looked angry, he looked… _hurt_. And that made Deidara cringe; all this time, he had been trying to avoid the topic of "that night" not so much to help himself but also to help Sasori. Somewhere deep down, he thought that if he tried hard enough, he and Sasori could just get over the incident and never speak of it again and return to their normal lives. But hearing this outburst, he knew this was impossible, that by avoiding it, he had made everything _worse_.

"D-danna…"

"I don't know what to do," Sasori cut him off, clenching his fists tightly. He bowed his head so he didn't have to look at Deidara; he had been keeping his temper and biting his tongue for the past few weeks but he just _couldn't_ anymore. He was getting fed up and frustrated with himself and with Deidara; he wasn't helping to "fix" Deidara and Deidara wasn't providing him _any_ answers. He wanted to save him; hell, he'd give his own life to save Deidara's, to take away his pain, to make him _happy_ again. But he wasn't cooperating and Sasori was at his wit's end; he didn't know what else to do, what _could_ he do?

"I don't know what to do," he repeated again, his eyes still downcast, "I don't know how to help you. I don't want to see you in pain and I don't want to imagine that you're still going through all this internal torture. I want to help you; I really do. I've been keeping everything I want to ask you quiet because that's what you want. I don't want to force you to tell me anything because you'll close yourself off even more. But I don't know what to do anymore. Nothing I'm doing is helping you; you're still depressed, you still want to die, you're still not the same person that I knew. And I can't help but feel so helpless; I care about you more than I care about anyone else but I can't help you, and it _kills_ me."

He grew silent and Deidara's eyes softened. He felt guilt claw at him; he finally realized that he was hurting Sasori more than he had imagined. He had been selfish; he wanted this nightmare to go away so he tried to avoid it, without thinking of what it was doing to his best friend. It was the one thing he swore to never do, the one thing that he wanted to prevent before his death. But he had done it, unintentionally and in probably one of the worst ways possible.

_Danna, did I make you sad?_

Brown eyes looked up tiredly and Deidara felt like he just watched Sasori die right in front of him.

_Yes._

"I…" Deidara opened his mouth but found his throat was dry. Swallowing, he bit his lip and tried again. "I…" _I'm so sorry._

"…Maybe you should go," Sasori said in a low voice and looked away, "I'll… I'll be okay. Tomorrow. I promise. I'm sorry for losing it like that. I'm… tired."

_What can I do to make you feel better, danna?_

"…Yeah. And… it's okay. I lost it too, you know, un."

_Why can't I do anything right?_

Sasori looked up and smiled softly. "I guess we're even then, right?"

_I never wanted to hurt you, danna._

"I'm going to go, un."

_I'm so sorry._

"All right. See you tomorrow?"

_Forgive me, danna._

The blonde paused at the door and looked over his shoulder, his blonde fringe concealing the sad smile lingering on his lips. "…Maybe, un."

Silent questions filled the air so the point where Deidara felt like he couldn't breathe. They all came together at him at once like daggers, each followed closely by the next. It wasn't Sasori's fault; he couldn't control his mind and emotions. But Deidara couldn't handle all the judgment, the assumptions, the guilt. He glanced at Sasori and smiled weakly to reassure him. The redhead hesitated before smiling back; Deidara turned around and left.

_Do you feel any better?_

_ No, no I don't._

_ Do you still want to die?_

_ More than ever._

**10:37 PM, November 23**

The door was thrown open and the blonde ran into his apartment, letting the door close by itself behind him. He shrugged off his coat and grabbed a piece of paper, his other hand grabbing a pen and he used his mouth to bite off the cap. He scribbled "_goodbye, thank you, I'm sorry, Sasori no danna"_ on it. He turned to move but his gaze lingered on the piece of paper, frowning. He still had his suicide notes kept in a large manila envelope in a drawer in his desk, so rewriting any wasn't necessary. He smiled sickly. _Seems like I was prepared for this._

His pace had slowed down; he almost leisurely strolled into his bathroom and closed the door behind him. Opening the drawer, he pulled out a piece of tissue wrapped several times and unfolded it, letting the light hit the sharp razor blades. He sighed and slid down against his wall until he hit the floor. Placing the unwrapped tissue next to him, he picked up a blade and held out his left arm. With the blade held between his thumb and index finger of his right hand, he traced the soft, smooth skin with his other fingers, feeling the fading, white scars from his last attempt.

He never cut himself on his wrists, except "that night."

That was too obvious.

People would see. They would ask, they would probe, they would find out.

And he couldn't have that.

Scowling, he dragged the blade across his skin, wincing slightly as he felt the pain sear through his arm. The blood, bright red, appeared seconds later and he watched it with fascination. The first time he cut himself wasn't even on his arms; he had done it on his upper thigh because, though he felt a desperate need for the pain, his logical side still functioned and he knew to do it somewhere that people wouldn't see.

The pain didn't last long enough and he made another cut. Deeper and wider this time; he had to be punished. He hurt Sasori and made him sad; he had to punish himself for being such a horrible person. His eyes rolled back in his head and he rested his head against the wall behind him, relishing the new, stinging sensation of pain.

Cutting was like his opiate. It made him feel good and it numbed the other pain. He would feel alone and helpless, useless and worthless. But physical pain only numbed the emotional pain. It was temporarily and it faded, and when the emotional pain returned he felt even worse because he would feel even weaker and more pathetic because he had to rely on something as stupid as this. And then the cycle would start all over again: the emotional pain would become so bad that he needed something physical, then the physical would fade and the emotional would worsen.

And he liked to test himself. He would reason with himself that this made him strong; he had the will and self control to do through with this. Because how many people could willingly inflict pain on themselves? Small, shallow cuts proved nothing. Just a single, light cut that went barely past the epidermis. And as time passed, he could handle more pain. Drawing blood wasn't something that took several cuts; he could draw so much with a single cut.

Longer.

Wider.

Deeper.

More painful.

He looked down at his arms and pressed the blade to it again, drawing the blade across the smooth, uninterrupted skin again. He laughed dryly as he felt the pain sear through him again. It distracted him from his other pain. He opened his eyes lazily, squinting at the bright lights.

_Danna… am I really going to do this to him again…?_

The thought of Sasori crossed his mind again and he smiled softly again, an apology resting within the slight smile. All this time, he felt the worst about hurting Sasori. He tried to imagine how he would feel if he and Sasori reversed roles and couldn't imagine it, much like how Sasori couldn't understand his pain. Pain was something so personal that it was hard to understand from another point of view, so it wouldn't be fair for him to judge who would be in more pain.

_Last time, danna, I promise. This will be the last time I hurt you._

"Fuck," he gasped suddenly; his arm gave an involuntary twitch as he accidentally pressed too hard and suddenly all the fresh cuts erupted with new pain. He dropped the blade and heard it clatter to the floor. The muscles in his left arm tensed again as the pain, so much stronger than before, seemed to sear through his entire body. He was shaking as he watched the blood appear and drip down the sides and onto his pants and floor. He watched it with a morbid satisfaction. This was good, he thought, it hurt like hell. He was punishing himself and pushing his limits; he could control how much pain he could handle.

He took a long, shaky breath and closed his eyes, surprised at how lightheaded he felt. It was probably because he didn't eat for the past couple of days, he reasoned with slight amusement as he picked up the blade again when the pain dulled. He positioned it horizontally but thought against it and turned it vertical, using his fourth finger to trace the blue vein running up his arm, tracing it across the three cuts he just made. As he pressed the blade lightly against his skin, his vision was starting to blur but he forced himself to stay conscious enough to make this one, final cut.

_This will end everything._

_ I don't deserve to live._

_ I'm sorry, danna._

_ Forgive me for hurting you._

He pressed down.

**10:54 PM, November 23**

"Oi, brat! Open up!"

Sasori growled and pounded his fist against the door again, worry seizing him as he peered around the vacant hallway. Had he gone out? Impossible; where would he go? Unless it was to…

_No way,_ Sasori immediately shook his head, berating himself for even thinking of it, _He wouldn't. He hates water. His worst death would be drowning._

_ Except he really wants to die._

He kicked the door at the thought, berating himself again for thinking that. He sighed and pounded the door again; he was starting to get extremely worried. After Deidara left, he had left about ten minutes later and ran to the blonde's apartment, feeling uneasy how the conversation ended. Always a keen listener, he noticed Deidara's response of "maybe" to Sasori's suggestion of seeing him tomorrow. "Maybe?" That didn't settle well with Sasori; something was telling him something was wrong.

"Sasori?"

The redhead looked up and saw Hidan approaching, holding a pile of books. He blinked and recognized them as their textbooks, recalling that Hidan got the task of collecting their work and delivering it. The silver haired man stopped in front of the door and stared at it, frowning. "He's not opening up? Damn, I needed to talk to him too…"

"No," Sasori interrupted immediately and rattled the doorknob frantically, his heart pounding, "He's here. I know he is."

"He's probably out. Chill out, we can just wait and…"

"_Open the fucking door._"

In any other situation, Hidan would have retorted with some vulgar language filled insult of his own, but the death glare Sasori delivered was not to be messed with. He hesitated but nodded and dropped the books, immediately slamming his right shoulder against the door. As it opened, Hidan opened his mouth to ask Sasori what they were going to tell Deidara, but the redhead, without a word, rushed past him and into the bathroom.

Instinctively, Hidan followed him and regretted it.

Hidan was a man with a stomach of steel. He had eaten live worms (for a dare) without puking, had drank cow's blood (another dare) without puking, and ate things even a dog wouldn't (for, yet, another dare) without puking. He boasted that he could watch any gory film without once wincing or getting nightmares; he could do anything. Nothing scared him; ghosts, ghouls, intestines, cutting bodies open, these were all trite things that he could handle.

But he almost passed out from what he saw in front of him.

"_Fuck,_ what…"

"Call an ambulance."

"Why did he do this again, what the _fuck_ is going on, oh _Christ_…"

"Call an ambulance."

"What pushed him…"

"_Call the God damn fucking ambulance, you nitwit."_

Hidan, still frozen to the spot, managed to pull out his phone, dial the number, and press it up to his face. As it began ringing, he stared at the scene in front of him as Sasori dropped to his knees, his shaking hands contradictory to the firm tone in his voice earlier. It was surreal and Hidan barely heard himself tell the operator to send an ambulance to Deidara's address. His breathing was turning shallow and the sight of the limp body made him want to puke but at the same time he couldn't tear his eyes away from the scene. His vision was blurring and he instantly reached a hand out to grip the counter to steady himself.

Hidan managed to steal a glance at Sasori and his face paled even more. Sasori, the one that usually portrayed no emotion, looked so scared. He wasn't outwardly showing it, but Hidan could tell. His eyes were wide and scared and he was shaking. He heard short, raspy breaths and knew Sasori was just as freaked out by this as he was. Looking at Sasori scared him even more and so he looked back at Deidara, and instantly regretted it. He was proud that he could withstand any horror movie, but this wasn't a horror movie. This was real, he was here, this was his friend, this was his _life_.

Blood.

Blood.

_Blood._

That was all he saw. Blood stained his shirt, his pants, the floor; blood on the blade and on his fingers; blood on his arm. The deep cuts in the skin almost made Hidan feel the pain as he stared at it before Sasori wrapped a towel around the arm and pressed down firmly. His magenta eyes traveled up to his face and he couldn't help but stumbled to the side and hit a wall, sliding down against it. Sasori made no move to turn around, but he lowered his head and began shaking; if Hidan had any energy, he would have gone over to try to comfort his redhead.

"Brat? Hey, b-brat, wake up! This is not funny, all right?"

Because as sickening, as disgusting, as terrifying as this all was, it was nothing compared to the tiny smile lingering on Deidara's lips.

It looked so serene that it wasn't possible he was dead. He looked so blissfully happy and that was so terrifying. With his paling complexion, light blonde hair, and the knowledge of his blue eyes, he almost seemed angelic Hidan had never considered that Deidara would look happiest when he was… _dead._

"S-Sasori…?"

"He's still warm. He'll make it. Th-this was an accident."

"Sasori," Hidan moved towards him tentatively, keeping his eyes on the redhead. He had been so still and silent that it was scaring Hidan. When he got close enough, he made the accident of looking at Deidara again and immediately regretted it as he felt his stomach lurch and memories of "that night" came flooding back. He remembered watching Deidara get wheeled into the surgery room in a stretcher, his skin not much different from the white sheets he was resting on. He remembered how silent Sasori was and how scary it was; the difference between Sasori's normal silence and this silence, the silence where Hidan was truly, legitimately afraid that Sasori would do something stupid.

He put his hand on Sasori's shoulder and the redhead spun around, hitting his hand away.

"It was a fucking accident, all right? It wasn't on purpose, he wouldn't do this on purpose again, he was getting _better,_ I swear to God, he was getting fucking _better_!"

"Sa—"

"Why did I let him go home? I lost my temper, I said stuff I wasn't supposed to, I told him to go home and this happened; I didn't see that he was hurting again, why am I such a self centered, self absorbed prick? I let him do this to himself, I was stupid enough to let him go, I…"

"Shut the fuck up, Akasuna!" Hidan growled and pulled Sasori towards him, wrapping his arms around him as he heard people burst into the apartment. "Get a grip of yourself; you're making shit up! You're scared, you're paranoid, you're upset; I get that. But don't go making up shit about how this is your fault, because it isn't! Don't fucking delude yourself with your damn hallucinations, trying to make up answers because you have none; answers that aren't real and are in your imagination! _This_ is real, all right? _This._ Me hugging you; _this_ is real. We're all worried about Deidara but we're also worried about you; we give a fuck for you, you know? Don't make stuff up to console yourself because all that's going to do is make you do something stupid. Chill the _fuck_ out, all right?"

Sasori fell limp against Hidan as the paramedics rushed in. The two moved aside and Hidan kept the redhead close to him as he watched bandages and gauze be applied to the bloody cuts; the towel Sasori wrapped around his arm was soaked. It was silent except for low mumbling that Hidan couldn't hear. Deidara was lifted onto the stretcher and wheeled away, with two paramedics staying behind. He watched an oxygen mask be strapped onto the deathly pale face, and one of the paramedics told him to meet them at the hospital as soon as possible for questioning. They then glanced at each other, mumbled a low apology and stepped out of the room and waited around the corner.

After a brief moment, Hidan felt Sasori stir and he lessened his grip, watching the shorter male pull back and look at him then away, expression devoid of any emotions. He felt chills running down his spine at the expression; there was a difference between Sasori's normal emotionless face and the one where he actually had no emotion. It was empty, vacuous, and terrifying; the silver haired man had no idea what to predict but he didn't have a good feeling about it.

"Hidan."

"…What?" Hidan asked slowly, watching Sasori carefully. He fell silent and his eyes were staring out into space. He was looking downwards but wasn't concentrating on anything; it was as if he was staring through the floor. When he spoke again, it was in a low murmur.

"I think I know what the brat meant by wanting to die."

"What are…"

He never got to finish his sentence as the paramedics came rushing in when they heard a sickening thud of a skull against the wall.

**Author's Notes: I DON'T KNOW IF I PROOFREAD THIS. I know that's really bad of me (not like proofreading does much anyway... I always miss some typos) but I realized I said I'd update yesterday... and I didn't. I had this chapter done a long time ago so that's why I can update now. The next chapter is hardly written, so it'll be a week or two until it's updated. So you'll might see more typos than usual... don't feel bad to point them out; I'll be fixing them tomorrow night.**

**Uh, I forgot what this chapter is about too. All I remember is that it's pretty dramatic, I believe.**

**I hope you liked it! :D Thanks for reading, please review!**


	6. tolerance

**.disclaimer: don't own.**

**.note: lots of jumping around. if you pay attention to the times and dates, you may realize that some of these are very close together; it's meant to be. this signifies that things are happening at the same time, in case you thought i have horrible judgment of time (which i do).**

_**.chapter six: "tolerance".**_

* * *

><p><em>"Cutting pain was a different flavor of hurt. It made it easier not to think about having my body and my family and my life stolen, made it easier not to care..."<em>

_**-Laurie Halse Anderson **_

* * *

><p><strong>12:14 AM, November 24<strong>

"He _what_?"

"Bashed his fucking skull against the wall; that's what the dipshit did! Can someone fucking tell him that's _not_ what you fucking _do_?"

Hidan sounded angry and like his usual irritated self, but Kakuzu saw his distress. They were in the waiting room and Hidan was sitting with his palms pressed against his eyes. His skin was paler than usual and when he looked up, Kakuzu saw the dark bags under his eyes and felt a twinge of anger at both Deidara and Sasori, but he erased it immediately. It wasn't fair to blame them for Hidan's pain; they were obviously suffering too.

It was sad, really, how sadness worked. It was so easily transferable, and so difficult to dissipate.

Everyone was gathered in the hospital, all nervous and edgy. They weren't supposed to be back here. It was far too soon and, to make it worse, they were here for _two_ people. Hidan would forever be scarred with the mental image of Sasori holding his head wound, staring at him with his huge, doe-like eyes. Blood was running down the side of his face as the paramedics rushed in; he was eerily calm for an injury that Hidan was sure had to hurt. Right before he passed out and the paramedics took him away, he had said something; a simple, heartbreaking statement.

_"I can't help him."_

"When that fucker wakes up, I'm going to make him really wish he were dead, damnit!"

Kakuzu offered Hidan a glass of water which he accepted gratefully, but didn't drink. He held it with both hands and rubbed his right thumb against it in an agitated manner as he bowed his head. The others looked at each other nervously and sat down, waiting for the nurses to come back and update them on their conditions.

"Excuse me…" Shizune walked in and looked up, scanning around me, "Are you company of Iwa Deidara and Akasuna Sasori?" Judging by the wide eyes and sharp intake of breath, she assumed that she had found the right party. She glanced over her clipboard again and then held it behind her, sighing deeply. She hated delivering news, even good news, because it always made her nervous to see how people were anticipating the news.

"Iwa-san is all right; thankfully he was found in time. He is currently unconscious but should wake up soon, and we recommend a therapist… of course, it's up to him, but considering this visit was so close to his last one, it seems he has not improved. And for Akasuna-san, he is currently conscious," at this Hidan jumped up but Kakuzu managed to restrain him and force him to sit down again, "He does not seem to have amnesia nor any mental damage. However, he is unresponsive, but you are allowed to see him, one…" Shizune trailed off when she looked up and saw that no one was there. She sighed, wondering if she should find them but decided against it. After all, Sasori probably needed company right now.

Meanwhile, in a peaceful hospital room, the redhead was sitting up and staring out of the window absentmindedly. He had given one word answers, if any, to questions that the doctors and nurses probed him with. They had eventually given up and left quietly, leaving Sasori to himself. His head was pulsating with a dull pain, but he didn't mind it. In some twisted way, he enjoyed the pain; it distracted him from what was really the root of all his pain.

And suddenly, the door swung open.

"Aka-fucking-suna!"

Sasori looked up to see Hidan reach out to throttle him, but Kakuzu jerked him back. Everyone filed in quietly and took the various seats in the room and stood around. Sasori remained quiet but knew everyone was staring at him and sighed, scowling. "I lost control and smashed my head into the wall. Momentary lapse in judgment."

"Well, your fucking momentary lapse in judgment is going to give me nightmares for the rest of my damn life!"

Konan hit Hidan upside the head to shush him but Sasori didn't mind, even smirking a little. _So this is what it's like…_ he mused dazedly, staring straight ahead of him but not looking at anything in particular, _to hurt others unintentionally by hurting yourself. I didn't even think about Hidan at the time… so I guess I can't blame the brat for hurting everyone if that need to hurt himself is that bad…_

"Is the brat all right?" his eyes widened and it suddenly struck him, full force, why he was here. Somewhere in the back of his head he vaguely remembered slamming his head into the wall because Deidara did something stupid, but it was like a door opened an a frozen gust of wind blew in, chilling him to the bone.

"Senpai is unconscious," Tobi piped up rather optimistically, but Sasori couldn't help but notice the brief glare that passed over his features, "Shizune-san said that he's all right!"

"Unconscious, huh?" Sasori repeated, murmuring softly, the tone much different from his previous one. He turned and stared out the window again, leaving everyone else to exchange glances until he spoke again. "Let's go visit him," he said suddenly and slipped out of bed. Ignoring the protests, he put on the slippers that were provided and walked past everyone nonchalantly, as if this were normal. And under any other circumstances it would be. But his tone, the simplistic and relaxed tone, was terrifying, especially paired with the slight smirk. Sasori heard people try to tell him to go back to his room and relax, that he'd see Deidara soon enough, but he ignored them. He needed to see with his own eyes that the brat was all right and he had a few words he wanted to share.

The first time he was overridden by pain and sadness.

This second time, he was overridden by anger. How could he do this again? Why didn't he tell him? Why would he try again? Was it his own fault? What did he do? Questions flurried around in his mind like a vortex and by the time he reached Deidara's door (when the nurse came in earlier that day, he saw Deidara's name next to his room number), he threw it open with such force because of his pent up anger.

Deidara was not unconscious, he noted as he entered, striding confidently to the bedside. He was flipping through the channels of the television and when he heard the door slam open, he jumped slightly and turned to see Sasori standing there. The others followed afterwards, but in a much more timid manner, as if they were unsure if they should be here.

"Brat."

"Hey danna, un." He ran his eyes over Sasori's appearance, taking in the clenched fists but forced expression of normalcy. He smirked as he flipped to another channel, returning his attention to the television. "You don't need to act, un," he said dryly, "I'd rather you be normal."

When Sasori came to see him, as Deidara assumed he would, the blonde was expecting an emotion on the extreme end of the spectrum of sadness. Worried, possibly. Frantic, possibly. But he was expecting anger; the kind of anger that wasn't filtered, pure anger because he had tried to take his life a second time and that would surely be unforgivable. Even he thought it was unforgivable; when he woke up, he was so close to ripping off his bandages and clawing at his cuts so that maybe this time he would _finally_ die. But then he thought against it—it wouldn't be fair to Sasori, after being saved by him, he couldn't just die without at least seeing the redhead one more time.

He would die. That was a thought Deidara had long ago accepted, either by natural causes like disease, misfortune of being part of a shooting, or by his own hand. He preferred the last, as he would know when and where. But he didn't want to have Sasori's efforts go to waste. He put him through seeing him on the bathroom floor all bloody; he deserved to see him alive. Was Deidara angry at all? Of course he was. He wanted to die _so badly_ but he was interrupted again by the same person. But Sasori would be angry too, undoubtedly. Because Deidara chose to put himself through both the physical and emotional pain. But he had forced Sasori into it, and that just wasn't fair.

And he was ashamed; ashamed to be seen in that situation again. In that moment where he hit rock bottom, that moment of weakness; the moment where his true, ugly self shone through, and he hated knowing that Sasori saw that part of him. He didn't deserve Sasori or his friendship, if who he truly was was a pitiful, limp, pale little boy that was just begging to die. He _wanted_ Sasori to be angry and to yell at him; he wanted to be punished. Because he didn't deserve kindness or happiness.

So as he laid there in bed, he prepared himself for whatever was to come.

"You want me to be normal? You want me to act normal around you? All right, I'll show you normal!"

Deidara's eyes widened as he felt Sasori grip his shirt and yank him up to a sitting position. He had expected something, but this was certainly not what he had in mind. An angry confrontation was what he was expecting, but then again, he realized that just a few words couldn't possibly suffice. He was about to ask what Sasori was doing but he couldn't, because a solid hit to his jaw made talking a very painful activity. He let out a yelp of pain and grabbed Sasori's hand and threw it away from his shirt, using his other hand to hold his jaw in pain as he glared angrily at Sasori.

The redhead was huffing and his brown eyes flashed with red, ignoring the sudden protests and gasps from behind him. His fist was still clenched and shaking and he grit his teeth. "_That_ is fucking normal, all right? You did something stupid and I get mad; _that's_ normal. But this isn't a normal situation where you fuck up. You messed up badly and a simple fight won't solve this; this is your life on the line, not a paper, not a class, not even your enrollment. I don't want you to die, but I don't know what to do to convince you otherwise. What the _fuck_ am I supposed to do when the person I care for more than anyone else wants to die?"

Deidara's anger dissipated quickly and his eyes widened in surprise as he stared at Sasori, a new sensation taking over. It was a strange feeling, kind of like an outer body experience. _He… he cares for me more than anyone else in the world?_ It was odd, he suddenly realized. Somewhere deep down, he knew that his depression was hurting Sasori too, but it wasn't until he did something so extreme and so stupid that he would realize it and realize the full extent of it. Sasori's pain became his pain; watching Sasori suffer in so much agony made him feel like he was suffering more.

"Danna…" he removed his hand from his jaw and stared at Sasori, his eyes staring at the white bandage that was so out of place amidst the fiery red hair, "…what happened to your head, un?"

"You're not the only one that's allowed to do something stupid," he answered simply after a hesitant pause as he remembered that one brief moment where he lost all control and decided to bash his head into a wall. The two fell into silence; Sasori didn't look at Deidara, but he felt the blue eyes stare at him curiously. Embarrassment washed over Sasori suddenly; he hadn't meant to lose control like this again, because the last time he yelled at Deidara, things certainly did not end well. But he couldn't help it anymore; he used to have so much control over himself, but now, after all this, it seemed his control was slipping and his tongue said whatever it wanted.

"Okay okay, stop it!" Konan grabbed Sasori and jerked him off the bed and the two realized their situation and looked away bashfully, "Okay, we get you're mad. And you're hurt and you're confused and all that. But don't take it out on each other! The fact that you're best friends is supposed to be helping, not driving you two apart!"

The two fell silent, glaring at each other. Finally, Sasori muttered a curse under his breath and jerked his arm away from Konan's grasp and turned on his heel, stomping out, while Deidara looked away angrily. The door slammed shut and the others looked around bewildered, wondering who they should go with and what to do, none of them noticing Tobi slipping out after Sasori.

"Sasori-san, you're doing more harm to senpai than good."

Sasori stopped walking, allowing Tobi to catch up. "So what? He deserves it. He can't just be this selfish and not expect anyone to do anything about it."

"You're… you're not helping senpai."

The redhead couldn't help but roll his eyes and reply sarcastically. "Really, now? I thought I was making everything better. That's why he's here again because, if anything, I probably messed up and made things even worse. I know I'm not making things better, I don't need you to reaffirm that!" he broke off angrily, avoiding Tobi's annoyingly patient and understanding gaze. He clenched his fists, trembling.

He couldn't help him, fix him, make him "better." He was such a failure of a best friend, he supposed to know him better than anyone so that's why he should be able to help him. He was supposed to be able to read Deidara and know exactly how to fix things. They grew up together and they could read each other so well. What happened?

"Tobi is going to help senpai."

"…Yeah, Tobi, okay. You go do that."

But as Sasori walked off, he found he really did wish that Tobi could help him.

Because all he wanted was for Deidara to be happy again.

And, honestly, it didn't matter who helped him. It just mattered that he would get better.

**10:47 AM, November 28**

It took Sasori four days to be able to dig out the cassette player and the next tape. He was released from the hospital later that day, after tests revealed nothing out of the ordinary, and Deidara was released the next day. They both hadn't said anything to each other and Sasori hadn't seen his friends ever since.

Every time he thought about those tapes, his insides churned. Everything, from remembering that he couldn't help Deidara to the episode in the hospital, came flooding over him and he immediately pushed the thought of his mind and moved onto something else. The injury on his head was getting better. He no longer had to wear the huge bandages around his head; instead, a few bandages over the stitches would suffice. But every time he passed by a mirror and saw it, he'd cringe.

He still had to apologize to Hidan. It was selfish to do that in front of him, he realized. It was like him finding Deidara in that bloody mess; he almost killed himself in front of Hidan, probably scarring him, because he was so engrossed in his own pain that he didn't consider anyone else's. Sighing, the redhead laid down on the couch and put the headphones on. He moved to turn on the player, but his finger hovered over it.

When he woke up this morning and went to his closet to find a sweater, his eyes instantly riveted to the lump that was the cassette player and tapes. He almost slammed the closet door shut to forget about it, but pulled it out without thinking. Never one for procrastination, Sasori knew he had to listen to them, whether he wanted to or not. Because he was beginning to understand this concept of selfishness versus the greater good; by not listening to them, he was being selfish, because he was doing what he wanted and letting slip the only way to understand Deidara. And he was done being selfish; he wasn't helping Deidara and he hurt Hidan in a horrible way. He was done thinking about himself, and he was now so determined to help the person he was so in love with.

Without thinking twice, he pressed play, closing his eyes as he heard the tape wind, before Deidara's voice came through.

_"When you find me dead, it'll be because I slit my wrists, un."_

Sasori almost had to pause it and run to the bathroom to throw up; he now had two vivid images of Deidara in a pool of his own blood, a peaceful smile lingering on his pale, white face. Was it really that hard?, he wanted to ask, was it really that hard to live? Would he really be so much happier dead? _Is that what you really want?_

Sasori didn't want to stand in the way of Deidara's happiness. He would do anything, _anything_ to make him happy. And if dying really _was_ the only way Deidara would ever be happy again, he supposed he… would let him die.

But the redhead was so sure that Deidara's path to happiness wasn't death.

He was so sure.

So that's what he justified himself with, knowing what he was doing was painful for both of them, but it had to be done.

_"And you may wonder why I chose to kill myself with the blade, un. Because there are so many other ways, all of which are more certain or less painful, like sleeping pills or a bullet to the head. And, I suppose, your question that I'd think you'd ponder about eventually is valid, un. Why slit my wrists and slowly die, feeling the agonizing pain when I could take a bunch of pills and die that way or end it all instantly and almost for certain with a bullet? In the sense of wanting to die, those two ways would make sense, un. But… I don't know. I guess I'm addicted to the pain, un."_

Sasori had subconsciously said "I think I know what the brat meant by wanting to die" to Hidan. He hadn't been quite sure what he meant at the time; all he knew was that he had let it slip, something that he had been thinking but didn't plan on saying.

At that moment, he felt this overwhelming desire to just… disappear. He was so overfilled with emotions that he felt so full but numb. Anger, sadness, anxiety, nervousness, depression, confusion, fear; it seemed every possible negative emotion pervaded him. He didn't know what to do or how to resolve this. He couldn't decipher which emotion was the strongest and which he would resolve first. They all mixed together, feeding off of each other, making each other stronger until Sasori felt he absolutely couldn't breathe.

And then, at that moment, he let those words slip.

_"I think I know what the brat meant by wanting to die."_

He hadn't meant it, of course. He regretted saying those words. He remembered seeing Hidan's shell shocked face before he smashed his head into the wall, the fear that Sasori recognized all too well. But he felt so burdened and surrounded by everything; he saw no escape, no possible hope for salvation. Everything was hopeless, things would never get better…

Was that how Deidara felt?

Did he feel so numb that he needed to feel something? Anything at all; even something as drastic and searing as pain?

The redhead groaned and pressed his palms against his eyes, gritting his teeth anxiously. It made his head hurt. It honestly did. Just thinking about this, about everything. It depressed him, because every time he thought about this, he couldn't help but think about those damn "what if" questions. What if he succeeded? What if he hadn't found him? What if, what if, what if?

_What if we had never met?_ Sasori sighed, relaxing. _Would… would you be better?_

**10:54 AM, November 28**

"Senpai!"

Deidara looked up and rolled his eyes. Tobi had called him about half an hour ago, requesting that he be graced with his senpai's presence. Deidara, having nothing to do and having spoken to no one after the fight with Sasori in the hospital, decided to go. Tobi was annoying but at least it provided him with human interaction.

"Here! Tobi made you orange juice!"

"Tobi… you don't make orange juice, un. But thanks," the blonde sat down on the couch and took the glass Tobi offered him. The red eyed boy beamed as Deidara took a sip and sat down on the couch next to the one Deidara was on, watching him keenly. Deidara didn't find this odd; he found it more odd if someone looked at him normally. Even Sasori would occasionally give him a wary look, as if if he took his eyes off of him for a moment, the blonde would run off into the middle of street to get run over.

"What did you want, un?"

Tobi blinked and he looked up, hesitating before smiling. But the smile was different, Deidara noticed. It was sad, almost. A serene and peaceful, but sad smile, one that was rare for Tobi to use.

"Tobi needs to tell senpai something."

**10:56 AM, November 28**

_"I feel lonely, un. I know that doesn't seem to correlate with the issue of self harming but… I do it because of a multitude of reasons. Not one single reason has caused me to cut myself, just like not one single reason has pushed me over the edge; it's a bunch of reasons all built on top of each other, to the point where they fell over and I couldn't handle it anymore, un."_

Sasori continued listening to the tape. He always kept his eyes closed; logic told him he would eventually fall asleep, but he never could, because these tapes caused so many thoughts that it would be impossible for him to attempt to sleep while listening to them. He moved to fold his hands behind his head and felt his fingertips brush against something. Frowning slightly, he pulled it out and looked at it.

_Umino Iruka_

_Therapist_

_555-089-1756_

He smirked and placed the business card on the coffee table, the arrogant smirk masking the desire he had to call Iruka.

He couldn't call Iruka. Not without discussing it with Deidara first, anyway. Because calling Iruka was like betraying Deidara; it was symbolizing that Sasori gave up on him. He had told Iruka that he wouldn't give up on his best friend, that he was going to be the one to make everything better. And if he called him, it symbolized defeat, that Sasori couldn't do it, that he was acknowledging Deidara truly did need help. He wasn't there yet; logic told him that, yes, Deidara was depressed and needed professional help, but a small part in Sasori hung onto the hope that Deidara was just going through… through a _phase_ and Sasori could help him through it.

He wasn't trying to belittle Deidara's problem.

He just wanted to believe it wasn't as serious for his own sake.

The redhead glanced over again at the business card lying on the table, the single business card on top of an otherwise perfectly clear table, devoid of any clutter. How desperately he wanted to reach out and dial the number on it and tell Iruka that he couldn't do it, that Deidara _needed_ help, that Deidara wasn't the same person he thought he was. But he still loved him, loved him so much, loved him more than anyone, so he wanted him to get _better._

He tore his eyes away and resumed to staring up blankly at the ceiling, returning his attention to the tape that he was listening to.

He still had… what was it, five days until the two weeks he had bargained for with Iruka? Right. He shuddered; that meant nine days had passed and, if anything, Deidara had gotten worse. But he refused to give up; as Akasuna Sasori, he didn't give up. And these tapes, as painful as they were, seemed to be the best way to try to understand Deidara.

_"Because I feel so alone sometimes, and everything that I've ever forged with anyone has been fake."_

**11:02 AM, November 28**

"Senpai, you'll never be alone."

"…Wh-what, un? What are you talking about, idiot?"

Tobi was unnaturally serious and it was scaring Deidara.

The blonde was used to dealing with Tobi at all of his extremes: sadness, fear, happiness, exuberance, nervousness. Deidara had seen every single emotion be emitted by Tobi at the maximum level. But seriousness, this intensity, was unfamiliar and it unnerved him. He actually felt intimidated and fidgeted, his blue eyes darting around nervously. The cuts on his wrists itched and he rubbed them absentmindedly through the bandages, noticing how Tobi's eyes immediately dropped to them. Hastily, he pulled his sleeves down and covered them, pretending nothing had happened.

"Do they…" Tobi started, then faltered, "…Do they still… hurt?"

"A bit," Deidara muttered, glancing at them. It was a horrible sensation; every time he rubbed them or when he accidentally scraped his wrists against a sharp corner, pain seared through him. But at the same time, they were itchy and he wanted to scratch them, but he knew it would lead to more pain, more blood, more anxious faces. Whenever he thought about his friends and how he wanted to apologize to them, the first face that always popped up was Sasori.

He didn't want to hurt Sasori. But he did. But he also knew that no matter what he did, he would be hurting Sasori, so he chose to do the most hurtful thing he could.

Because pain wore off.

Deidara was familiar with that. Pain _always_ wore off, and numbness would overtake him. He didn't want to continue to watch Sasori hurt because of him, and so he believed that if he simply disappeared, one day Sasori would get past the pain. Maybe a twinge every now and then, but it would be better than this chronic pain that plagued him every time he saw Deidara. All the blonde wanted was for Sasori to be happy. Honestly, that was all he wanted now. Not even happiness for himself, because the idea of him being happy was long gone. But to have Sasori happy; that would make Deidara satisfied.

"Senpai," Tobi began, looking away and biting his lip, "Tobi… we all care for you and we know that Sasori-san is the only one that can help you. But… Sasori-san… Sasori-san seems to be hurting you more than helping…"

"Don't talk about danna like that."

Tobi flinched at Deidara's harsh tone and glare and cleared his throat, deciding to reword his sentence rather than try to argue with Deidara. "Tobi wants to help senpai. Tobi can't take Sasori-san's place, not by any means. Because senpai… senpai, you're in love with him, and Tobi knows that and he doesn't want to change that. Because Tobi believes it's a wonderful thing that you're in love with him. But… but Tobi doesn't want you to only think about him, and refuse help from the rest of us."

Blinking, Deidara felt a cold sensation wash over him, couple with a burning one. That numbness was coming back, the numbness that he so desperately tried to escape by any means possible. He hated feeling numb. He wanted to feel something, to feel _alive._ That's why he cut; the pain, the sweet pain, reminded himself that he was flesh and blood, he was alive, he could still feel. He wasn't just an empty shell, but he was a human being.

"Tobi…"

"Senpai, please don't close us out," Tobi laughed slightly, looking up with a sad smile, "Because… because we care for you too. Tobi can't say if we care for you as much as Sasori-san does but… we care about you a lot. Especially… especially me. Because senpai, you're… the most important person to me. And I'd never leave you."

**11:04 AM, November 28**

When did it turn out like this?

That was the question that haunted Sasori mercilessly, pervading his every waking and sleeping thought. It was the question that kept him up and woke him up in the middle of nights, the question that was relentless and never left him alone.

The redhead opened his eyes slowly; he had a knack of spacing out but managing to focus when something important was happening, and he used that technique now, listening dazedly to the rambling and a gut instinct told him to focus because something important was about to be said.

_"Even you, danna, un. I feel horrible for saying this, but it's true. Sometimes I can't help but wonder if you're just taking pity on me and that's why you befriended me. Because you deserve so much better and I'm a horrible friend, un. I'm… I'm so sorry that you had to be stuck with me."_

There was a brief pause then a click, which meant the tape had ended. Sasori frowned and removed the headphones, rubbing his eyes tiredly. It had been one of the shorter tapes, something Sasori was grateful for. Glancing over, his sharp eyes caught sight of the white business card again and he scowled. He didn't want to call; he didn't want to upset Deidara and he didn't want to feel like he was betraying them.

But Deidara needed it, no matter how much he didn't want to admit it. He wouldn't talk to Sasori; their friendship wasn't doing anything to help Deidara, Sasori had realized. Their friendship was hindering his recovery; it was because of the friendship that Deidara felt the need to maintain a normal, happy façade. He didn't want to worry Sasori, so he refused to talk and express what he was really feeling. He was trying to protect both of them, but that was unintentionally and indirectly killing them both.

He closed his eyes and looked away, so the business card would stop taunting him, but he couldn't stop his brain from thinking, and a cold pit forming in his stomach…

**11:07 AM, November 28**

It wasn't that Deidara didn't like Tobi.

Contrary to popular belief, he actually did. He liked the childish innocence Tobi always brought with him, a nice break from the pessimistic outlook from the rest of the group. He was annoying, of course, but that was part of who Tobi was. Deidara actually considered Tobi one of his closest friends, aside from Sasori, obviously.

_Sasori._

The name sent chills down his spine as he remembered the fight in the hospital. He wanted to apologize, but he knew it wasn't worth it. It wouldn't be genuine because he didn't feel he had to apologize and Sasori would see right through it. There was nothing Sasori hated more than a liar and Deidara didn't need another reason for Sasori to be angry at him.

"See, senpai," Tobi rubbed his nose awkwardly, coughing a few times to cover up his embarrassment that was painfully obviously, "Without you… um… Tobi… Tobi doesn't know what he'd be like. I… I wouldn't have many friends. I'd still be bullied. I… I'd be sad. It's because of you saved Tobi. And so Tobi is eternally grateful to you. You made me so happy and… I want to make you happy too. Because, senpai, you deserve to be happy."

Deidara had said very little and even now, he still didn't make eye contact with Tobi except the few glances now and then. He ran his fingers through his blonde fringe and scowled, averting his eyes from Tobi's. He had a vague idea where this was heading but was praying fervently that he was completely wrong and that Tobi had solely friendly intentions. Deidara wasn't used to accepting love; he was used to a cold, empty feeling of not being wanted, of being worthless, of being invisible. He wasn't used to people saying they cared for him. He knew that he did have people that cared for him, but it never occurred to him just how much.

And that was one of the reasons why he was trying to avoid talking about "that night" with Sasori. Because it was now that he saw just how much Sasori cared for him and it scared him. He wasn't used to accepting love and knowing that someone cared for him. It was scary, to know it was so easy for him to hurt Sasori so badly. Love wasn't what he had imagined it to be; not just romantic love, but friendship as well. It was terrifying how easily two people could be hurt because of it.

Deidara didn't want to hurt Sasori. He didn't want his love. He _wanted_ Sasori to hate him; that way, Deidara knew Sasori wouldn't be hurt if Deidara hurt himself. All he wanted was for Sasori to be happy, just like how Tobi wanted him to be happy.

He couldn't believe someone wanted him to be happy. What had he done to deserve such kindness in his life?

"Tobi," Deidara finally said after a long silence, keeping his head bowed so he didn't have to look at him, "…Thank you. But… I don't, un. You don't need to waste your efforts on me; it's pointless."

The blonde dug his nails into his palms before relaxing, then repeating. It was a habit he had picked up; a temporary, dull pain to distract him from when he was feeling nervous. He wanted to see Sasori so badly suddenly, but wasn't sure if he wanted to confess everything, absolutely everything, or if he wanted to make Sasori hate him, to make Sasori wish him dead and far, far away. It was like he craved Sasori's attention. He was sending out an SOS signal and Sasori had received it, but now Deidara was hiding, not sure if he wanted Sasori to save him.

"Everyone deserves to be happy."

Tobi spoke again and Deidara looked up in surprise. The Uchiha looked up, smiling and his single red eye warm and friendly. "Everyone deserves to be happy," he repeated again firmly, "Maybe not everyone realizes, but they do. Especially you, senpai. You're such a good, selfless person, but you don't see that. You saved Tobi and you've always been there for everyone else. You help us whenever you can and you're loyal. You don't deserve to be in this much pain. No one does. And Tobi… Tobi doesn't know if he can help you like Sasori-san can, because Tobi knows Sasori-san is irreplaceable to you. But… senpai, you're in pain. And that's all that matters. You're in pain and Tobi wants to help because that's the least Tobi can do for you."

**11:11 AM, November 28**

_Make a wish._

Sasori couldn't help but laugh lightly at the superstitious thought that crossed his mind when he realized it was 11:11. He didn't even need to make a wish; he just leaned over and picked up his phone, staring at it before dialing a number and pressing it up to his ear, his heart pounding and eyes closed. He hoped he was doing the right thing; because his wish was for Deidara to be happy. It was a simple and genuine wish, and he would do anything to make it come true.

_It's for the best. Please, please pick up._

**11:11 AM, November 28**

"Why…?" Deidara rasped, his blue eyes wide, "Why… do you care so much?"

Tobi blinked and stared at him. Suddenly, he laughed, but it wasn't a bad laugh. It was a kind, awkward, soft laugh, the kind that was rare and put both people at ease. The answer to Deidara's question was so obvious but Deidara wanted confirmation. He never took his eyes off Tobi, watching as the laughter died down and he averted his eyes, chewing on a lip. After what felt like forever, he looked at Deidara, smiling lopsidedly.

"Because, senpai, I love you. I really do."

And as guilty as Deidara felt, the first thing he thought of was Sasori.

**11:12 AM, November 28**

_Ring…_

_ Ring…_

"Hello?"

"I-Iruka-san?"

"Yes. Who is calling?" Iruka leaned back in his chair and held the phone to his ear with his shoulder as he picked up a few documents and scanned them over, waiting for the person on the other line to start talking again. A usually patient man, his stress from his other paper work was catching up with him and he was ready to snap after about a minute or so of silence.

"I-Iwa…"

"I'm sorry," Iruka frowned and interrupted him when he heard nothing more than a soft mumble, "Could you please speak up?"

"Iwa… Iwa Deidara. He…" on the other line, the speaker was speaking so softly and stuttering, as if it was so difficult to talk, "…He needs help. I can't help him and he's getting worse… h-he needs help."

"Akasuna-san," Iruka's eyes widened as he remembered and he put the papers down as he sat up and held the phone with his hand, devoting his concentration to the conversation. He remembered Sasori and Deidara from the hospital and the agreement they made two weeks ago. The two weeks were just about to elapse and to hear him call was relieving yet terrifying; he felt relieved knowing that he would be able to talk to Deidara, but terrifying because this phone call meant something _bad_ had happened. He sighed and closed his eyes; it was difficult, being a therapist, but it was worth it in the end. It was just the process of reaching that end that was sometimes excruciating.

"Please come in tomorrow at four."

**Author's Notes: Next chapter, I promise, will be, hopefully, more from Deidara's point of view than Sasori's. Most of this has been in Sasori's, and I feel I've explored his state of mind quite a bit… Deidara's, not so much. There are his tapes, but I want to explore his present state of mind. Okay, now I have homework. Thank you for reading, please review!**


	7. be his hero

**.disclaimer: don't own.**

_**.chapter seven: be his hero.**_

* * *

><p><em>"Sanity and happiness are an impossible combination."<em>

_**-Mark Twain**_

* * *

><p><strong>5:05 PM, November 30<strong>

"Hello?"

Sasori answered his phone lazily. He went to see Iruka yesterday, but still had yet to see Deidara and tell him he had just signed him up for therapy. Iruka told him to bring Deidara in within the next few days; he didn't have many clients, so any time would be fine. Sasori waited for the right opportunity, but realized he would never feel "right" dragging his best friend to therapy against his will.

"Sasori-san? It's Tobi! He's in your house!"

"_What?"_

At this, Sasori jumped out of his bed, on which he had been napping, and threw his door open, seeing Tobi standing in his living room, with his phone against his ear. When he heard the door open, Tobi turned towards Sasori and smiled brightly. He pocketed his phone and Sasori followed suit after a pause, keeping a wary distance.

"…Why did you break into my house?"

"Well, senpai said he hasn't talked to you for a while… and I figured that meant you either weren't answering your door or you were avoiding senpai."

"I'm not avoiding him."

"Good."

The redhead glared at Tobi lightly before walking into the kitchen to get a glass of water, ignoring how condescending Tobi's 'good' sounded. He took out a glass and held it under the sink for a few moments, then took a sip and turned it off. He then turned around to look at Tobi again. "I would never avoid him. Especially not now."

"So why haven't you gone to see him? Senpai needs you." By Tobi's tone and blunt words, it was obvious what he had come here for and how he felt about Sasori right now.

"We had quite a fight in the hospital."

"So you are avoiding him. You don't care about senpai?"

"I care for him more than you could ever imagine."

"Tobi's in love with him."

"So am I."

The two fell silent and glared at each other. Here they were, the two that were both in love with Deidara. As Tobi stared at Sasori, he couldn't help but feel anger bubble over him. Sasori always looked relatively calm, except for a few instances like now, and that always irked him to no end. How could Sasori look so emotionless when he had everything Tobi wanted? He had Deidara's love and he didn't even know it. He was driving his senpai crazy because he was being selfish. If Tobi were Sasori, he would spend every waking minute with Deidara, making sure he was all right, do everything in his power to help him. He was sure Sasori had his reasons for taking more of a hands off approach, but he just didn't understand why. How could Sasori stand by and watch Deidara deteriorate slowly in front of him and not do anything? Did he not know what to do? Well, Tobi didn't know what to do either, but he knew he would try something, _anything._

"Tobi told senpai."

Sasori's glare relaxed into a surprised look as Tobi spoke again. His eye still looked at Sasori angrily and his fists were clenched as he continued to speak. "And Tobi is going to do everything he can to make him happy, something you, Sasori-san, obviously couldn't do."

The words stung immensely. To hear from Tobi that Sasori wasn't making Deidara happy, that almost killed him right on the spot. He knew he wasn't helping, but to hear it from someone was worse. Especially from Tobi, the person that could very well just take Deidara away from him. Sasori reassured himself that he wanted Deidara's happiness above all and it was true. But he couldn't say that losing Deidara would be completely harmless. Losing Deidara to Tobi, to anyone, actually, would kill Sasori. He was selfish; he wanted to be the one to make Deidara happy, to be the one Deidara would depend on. He didn't want anyone else to take that from him.

"I…"

"Sasori-san," Tobi interrupted him again, "You don't get it. You don't know what it's like to be completely alone and to be scared. To not have anyone. Senpai saved Tobi from that feeling, now Tobi has to help him back. Tobi knows just what he's feeling. Tobi can empathize. You don't get it, Sasori-san."

Another silence elapsed and Tobi sighed, bringing a hand up and playing with his eye patch nervously, seeing Sasori's eyes widen before he bowed his head. His bangs concealed his eyes and so Tobi had no idea what he was feeling, but he knew his words were a bit too harsh. But he couldn't help it; emotion overpowered him and he said exactly what his mind wanted him to say.

"Sasori-san… if you're giving up now then… then you don't even deserve to be senpai's best friend or in love with him. Tobi expected you to fight for him, not just passively let him go."

That was it. No apology for his words, just a simple and clean exit, leaving Sasori alone in his kitchen, heart pounding, head spinning, body shaking.

**7:42 PM, November 29**

Deidara had a tennis ball that he liked to throw at his ceiling, let it bounce, and catch it.

He hadn't spoken to Tobi or Sasori. He was avoiding both, but for different reasons. Tobi, because he didn't know how to answer him, and Sasori, because he had no idea how to act around him anymore after the hospital incident. On more than one occasion had he picked up the phone to talk to him, but something always held him back.

Sighing, he caught his tennis ball again, folding an arm behind his head. He always heard that a suicide attempt was a cry for help; Deidara didn't agree at all. If he wanted help, he knew where to go and who to ask. He could very easily go to therapy and talk to someone; he had a few suicide hotline numbers memorized (it had taken several tries to actually go through with the first attempt.) But he was tired of seeking help; no one understood. No matter how much a therapist said "I completely understand," Deidara never bought into it. Because what made him believe how genuine the words of the therapist were? The therapist could easily just pretend to be compassionate because it was his job and he needed the money. Or the people on the suicide hotline, they may just be volunteers, trying to gather hours for college applications. How was he to know they actually cared?

He had been to two therapists, leaving both after the first day. In fact, he walked out on both after just ten minutes. At the beginning of their session, they always asked him to talk about himself and his friends. Deidara always found himself talking about Sasori, and when he was finished, both therapists asked exactly the same question.

_"Are you in love with your best friend?"_

He walked out after that; no more questions, no second chances. He wasn't going to sit there and listen to them push any blame onto Sasori; it wasn't Sasori's fault. It was his own. He was the fuck up, he messed up, he was the failure. Sasori did nothing wrong. He didn't want it to be Sasori's fault, because it wasn't. It was his fault, it was completely _his_ fault.

There was something that therapists didn't see, however. And Deidara was waiting for them to see it, for the two he saw and the people he called. After spilling his heart, he wanted them to ask a question, but they never did, making him question himself. Did he really have a problem? Or was he making it up, desperately seeking attention?

He scowled and clenched the tennis ball tightly, lifting that hand and pressing the back of it to his lips. He wondered why therapists asked him to talk about his friends, anyway. He understood being asked to talk about himself, but why even bother to ask about his friends? Deidara would have much preferred a question focused solely on himself, because if he was given the opportunity to talk about Sasori, he found he would. The idea of Sasori exhilarated him; he was madly in love with his best friend and never missed an opportunity to praise him, extolling him to no end, distracting him from himself. It was terrifying and pathetic, really, how far Deidara would go to diminish himself and place Sasori on a pedestal.

Maybe he was actually thankful. Because talking about Sasori made him not have to think about himself, face his own problems. Maybe he had gotten so used to hiding behind Sasori, thinking of himself as something to make Sasori look better, that he liked it. Not an emotional person to begin with, he didn't like to talk about his feelings. He found he could just mask them with Sasori; talk about Sasori made him feel good, reminded him why he was so in love with him, letting him to forget and escape all of his own problems.

He didn't mean to use Sasori as an excuse, but it came so naturally. And he had been doing it so long that he didn't even know what to say when he was asked to talk about himself, to say how he felt currently.

It was strange, he suddenly thought, how it never occurred to him to talk to Sasori about this. He couldn't spend his time talking about Sasori to the redhead for two reasons: it would be awkward and Sasori would see right through him. Sasori would so easily see that he was hiding something. Deidara had a habit of not making or keeping eye contact for very long when lying around Sasori, and the redhead knew of it. Sasori would use that to his advantage and undeniably force the truth out of Deidara.

He wanted someone to listen patiently, someone who cared for him. And he knew Sasori would be that person.

So why could he not talk to Sasori?

_I don't want him to know how pathetic I am,_ the little voice in his head answered.

Love was selfless, love was kind. Love was patient, love was faithful. But Deidara couldn't help but feel he was being so insanely selfish. He liked to think he wasn't telling Sasori to protect him, but by not telling him, Deidara knew he was hurting Sasori. But he couldn't help it; it wasn't that he didn't trust Sasori or think that he wouldn't care, it was just because he didn't know what to say and how to say it. He had so many feelings inside that were long forgotten and he couldn't just talk about them suddenly, no matter how much he wanted to.

_Because senpai, you're… the most important person to me. And I'd never leave you._

And suddenly, Tobi's words rang in his head.

Deidara felt a sick twist in his stomach, feeling guilt wash over him. Here he had been thinking about Sasori for this entire time, and Tobi and his confession never once crossed his mind. He couldn't help but wonder why. Every time he remembered the confession, the question "why" would press in his mind. _Why would you fall in love with me? What do you see in me?_

Because he couldn't fathom a single reason why someone would fall in love with him. He wasn't kind, he wasn't caring, he wasn't compassionate. He was an empty shell of a person, plastering a fake smile, wishing death upon himself every possible second. He liked nothing and loved one; he messed everything up and always hurt people. He didn't deserve everything he had, because he took everything for granted, and instead complained about everything. He absolutely saw nothing positive; everything was negative, negative, negative. The world sucked, people sucked, he sucked. Who would fall in love with such a negative person? He couldn't make anyone happy; all he could do was detract from their happiness.

_I don't deserve this,_ he groaned silently, closing his eyes and sighing heavily, _I don't deserve anyone's love or attention. Tobi, I'm sorry, but it's completely wasted on me. You're better off falling in love with someone else. Don't waste your time on me, because I'm waste of life._

He sighed again and rolled onto his side, pressing his forehead against the wall that his bed was pushed against. He closed his eyes and felt the strands of his hair tickle his face as they gently fell, blanketing his face with a soft gold. He brought a wrist up to his face and he rolled over again, shaking his head to sweep his fringe out of his face. He was staring at his left arm, the white bandages wrapped cleanly around his wrist. The cuts were ugly, so ugly. They were jagged and scarred, a reminder of his failure: failure at living and failure at dying.

So he took extra care when wrapping them, to mask the ugliness. Cover up the dark red scabs with a clean, pristine white, like innocence blanketing the corrupt soul beneath.

But he wasn't perfect.

_I'm not perfect._

Nor innocent.

_I'm not innocent._

He was corrupt. He was a mess up. He was a failure. He was ugly.

_Why should I bother to hide it?_

He grabbed at the bandages, ignoring the pain shooting through his arm as his nails scraped against the cuts. He wanted to get rid of the white, to reveal what was underneath. Because that's who he was: cut, bleeding, open, raw, held together only by stitches, leaving gaps of who he really was. His hand was shaking by the time he got the bandages off; he breathed heavily and stared at his bloody arm. While he was ripping the bandages off, a few of the cuts began to bleed again.

It hurt, but it was strangely soothing.

Because he knew where this pain came from. This physical pain's source was so obviously his arm.

But his emotional pain? Where did that come from? He had no idea what the reasons were. He did his best to hide this pain because of Sasori, to not worry him, to not worry his friends and those that cared about him. But what was the root of it? What made him so sad, so empty, so depressed? When did it take a turn for the worse? Why was he like this? What had happened to make him so fucked up?

He didn't know. And that was painful, that was more painful than the pain erupting from his cuts.

The blood was seeping out of his cuts and every time he bent his wrist backwards, the skin pulled and his cuts would open. He grimaced at the strong pain, but it wasn't strong enough for him to stop doing it. He sighed and let his arm fall, the cuts faced upwards as the arm hung off the side of the bed. He brought the other hand up and laid it across his eyes, feeling the smooth bandages against his face.

_Why do I keep hurting everyone? Hidan. Tobi. Kakuzu. Pein. Konan. Zetsu. Itachi. Kisame. And most of all, Sasori no danna. Why can't I let them be happy the way they are? Why do I always have to do something stupid and mess up their happiness?_

Many thoughts flew around in Deidara's mind; a huge number that he couldn't even fathom. He wasn't even sure what they all were; he just knew he was overflowing with so many negative thoughts, thoughts of dying, of hopelessness, of depression. It seemed that every possible negative thing was ingrained in his head.

He wanted to die again, he realized, that desire was stronger than ever. Sitting up and looking out his window, he saw the tall bell tower of the university in the far distance. Heart pounding, he suddenly had this itching feeling to fly, to feel the wind in his hair. He wanted to be weightless and to fly. He felt caged on the ground by all these thoughts. He wanted to be free and weightless and to not have a care in the world. He remembered once he and Sasori had gone on a hot air balloon ride in their junior year of high school, and he loved it. He loved being up so high and seeing everything, sharing the moment with Sasori. He would have done anything possible to recreate that moment…

His breath was coming in shorter breaths, he realized, as he thought about it.

_How perfect would it be?_

From a distance that high, death would be imminent.

He would fly. He would be weightless. He would do the impossible. He would be free, freed from this cage.

He could recreate that moment. That day had been in cool weather and it would be cool tomorrow. It wasn't a hot air balloon… but it was high, wasn't it? And he wanted one happy moment, maybe not even happy but satisfying moment, before he died.

He smiled sickly, laying down on his bed again. His breathing had slowed down and he was suddenly looking forward to the next day.

The thought of trying to die again, for the third time, in less than a month barely registered as insane. He didn't even think about Sasori or about whoever would find his dead body. He didn't think about anything except himself. About dying, finally finding the peace he wanted from himself and he couldn't believe how he had never thought of this before.

Wouldn't it be perfect?

_Absolutely perfect._

**10:11 PM, November 29**

_"Tobi told senpai. And Tobi is going to do everything he can to make senpai happy, something you, Sasori-san, obviously couldn't do."_

Sasori had no idea why, but he felt his heart shatter when he heard those words from Tobi.

The reaction made no sense. It wasn't as if Sasori and Deidara were together by any means; if anything, he should be happy that Tobi was going to make Deidara happy. That was what he wanted, wasn't it? That was the wish that Sasori found himself wishing for at 11:11, the thought that occupied every waking minute of his. It was a genuine, selfless wish stemming from his love for his best friend.

_"Sasori-san, you don't get it. You don't know what it's like to be completely alone and to be scared. To not have anyone. Senpai saved Tobi from that feeling, now Tobi has to help him back. Tobi knows just what he's feeling._ _Tobi can empathize. You don't get it, Sasori-san."_

Standing in his bathroom, he took a hand mirror and calmly wrapped it in a towel, his features impassive. Maybe this was why he wasn't helping, he thought, because he had never understood this pain. He had always been a loner, sure, but never alone. He talked little but that was because he chose to, not because he had no one to talk to. But Deidara… was Deidara really that lonely? Sasori never realized how someone so happy could still be lonely; how conversing wasn't the same as talking. He raised the towel covered mirror and brought it down firmly against the counter, hearing a firm and definitive crash. He then laid the towel out on the counter and picked up one of the largest broken shards, inspecting it.

Fighting for Deidara, Sasori realized, was the hardest thing Sasori had to do in his life. Everything seemed to work out for him; he had good friends, good grades, and a stable and easygoing life. He never had to work hard for something he wanted; it could just come naturally to him. But Deidara… this was a completely different scenario. He wasn't a thing; Deidara was a person, a living, breathing, alive human being that wouldn't just _stay_ with Sasori. He wanted to _keep_ him and Sasori knew he was willing to do absolutely anything for Deidara, even if it may not seem like it. But he didn't realize how hard it was. He was going to do it, he decided, he would fight Tobi for Deidara. But that didn't mean he wasn't scared.

He walked over to the toilet and sat down on it after bringing the cover down. He looked at the pale, exposed skin of his left arm; the sleeve was already pulled up in preparation. He had just felt an emotional pain that he was unfamiliar with; heartbreak, he realized, was a totally new level of pain, one that he had never experienced before. Sadness and hurt were bad, but heartbreak made them feel tiny. It ripped him apart, it made him feel worthless, it made him want to _die_. He wanted to crawl under the covers and await death because he felt nothing in life was worth living for anymore; nothing mattered and he felt death was the only remedy. It must be because the idea of Deidara leaving him suddenly crossed his mind, Sasori realized. The idea of Tobi being the one to make Deidara happy… the idea of Tobi "fixing" Deidara… the idea of Tobi being the one that Deidara would rely on… that must have scared Sasori senseless. He would no longer be an important person to Deidara; he was going to lose him, lose the one person he loved to someone that was better than him. And that stung, so badly.

And at that moment, he had a glimpse of how Deidara must have felt. It probably wasn't heartbreak, but it was the depression. Sasori didn't know how to compare the two, but he assumed they had similarities: emptiness, hopelessness, complete and utter desperation. That must've been how he felt and suddenly Sasori found himself understanding slightly. That kind of emotional pain—who would want to live with it?

But Deidara wasn't only dealing with emotional pain. There was also physical.

His hand shaking, he pressed the broken piece of glass to the pale skin of his wrist lightly. Fear already was paralyzing him; ever since "that night", he had developed a fear of blood. He knew that the human body contained about six quarts of blood, but "that night", he swore he saw a lot more. In the bath tub, on the floor, on the skin; everything was so red and so terrifying.

But he wanted to understand. Because it didn't just happen once; it had happened twice and the same method. And he wanted to first hand understand this pain that made Deidara feel like he was "in control." Because it was hard to fathom; he could logically think of the reasons why, but unless he actually felt it, he just couldn't imagine it. And he wanted to understand just a little of Deidara's pain; to know what he was suffering through so he could understand just _why_ he did things like…

_Trying to kill himself._

He closed his eyes, willing himself to press down and drag the shard across his skin. _Just do it. It'll help you to understand his pain. He's suffered so much; you can do at least this._

"Sasori!"

His hand jerked at the voice and he hissed in pain as blood seemed to blossom out of the cut. He instantly released the glass and let it fall to the ground and he stared at the jagged cut interrupting his smooth skin, watching the bright red blood pool. Behind him, he heard Konan's sharp gasp as she immediately opened a cupboard to find a rag or bandages to stop the bleeding. But as soon as she found what she was looking for and reached to wipe up the already spilt blood, Sasori jerked his arm away and stared at it.

It hurt; it hurt like _hell_. It felt like his entire arm was throbbing from that one cut; a thin, jagged, diagonal line across his arm. The blood was dripping, hitting the white floor tiles. He tried to imagine several of these cuts on both arms; if one cut hurt this badly, how could Deidara stand the pain of multiple? The pain was dulling now and he let Konan gently dab the blood away with a white towel. She looked at him, worry creasing her brow, but he still stared at his arm.

It didn't help. He thought by doing this, it would provide so many answers. But all that he got was that it hurt; it hurt a lot. And if this pain was supposed to distract Deidara from his internal pain, just how much was he hurting on the inside? If anything, this made everything worse, because now Sasori knew that Deidara was dealing with an unimaginable torment on the inside, a kind of pain that he had no way of helping him with.

"Sasori," Konan spoke gently as she used a cotton ball to dab on some antiseptic, trying not to press too hard, "Why did you do this?"

"I wanted to understand," came as his response, in a soft and muffled tone. Konan looked at him again, frowning. She picked up the role of bandages and began wrapping them around his arm; Sasori was suddenly overcome with a sickening feeling as he remembered seeing Deidara's arms wrapped like this "that night."

"Doing this," Konan said softly, "won't help you understand. This, Sasori, is just stupid. I know you want to help him; we all do. But there's a better way than this. What if I wasn't here? What if you went too far?"

"I want to know what his pain is like."

She paused but finished bandaging his arm in silence. When she finished, her hands lingered and she then clasped his hand, looking up at him. Seeing his distant and empty expression pained her; they were all upset with what Deidara had done, but it was terrifying to see Sasori like this. It was like by trying to kill himself, Deidara was inadvertently doing the same to Sasori. And she didn't blame Sasori for feeling this way; it was completely understandable.

"Sasori, you don't know what his pain is like," she said, gripping his hand harder as he scowled and turned away, "No one does, and that's why this is so hard. Because we can't even begin to try. You can replicate the physical pain; that's easy. But the emotional pain? No one can understand that and he can't explain it. He's hurting so badly and the last thing he needs is to see you self destructing too."

"…What am I doing wrong?" he whispered softly. Konan immediately threw her arms around him, pulling him closer to her. He was so completely broken right now and it pained her to see him like this. She hated seeing her friends in pain; she hated seeing Deidara in pain and she hated seeing Sasori in pain, because she couldn't help either of them. She felt him go limp against her, as if all his energy was exhausted, and tears escaped the corners of her eyes and slid down her face. She tightened her grip around him and closed her eyes.

"Sasori," she murmured, "please, please don't blame yourself. _Please._"

"I can't help him," he whispered again and his voice was so full of sadness and pain that Konan almost started crying at that point. It was odd how someone else's pain could spread so easily. What started out as Deidara's silent suffering had spread; everyone was hurting now.

"You're not his hero," Konan pulled back and smiled through her tears at Sasori, moving so that they were looking directly into each other's eyes, "He has to be his own hero. He has to save himself. You don't have to save him; _you don't have to salvage him._"

Sasori blinked a couple of times before closing his eyes and resting his head on Konan's shoulder. She wrapped her arms around his shoulders again and it comforted him to know she was there with him. It calmed, slightly, the turmoil that was going on internally: confusion, pain, helplessness ravaged his insides.

_I want to understand his pain._

_ I want to lessen his pain._

_ I want to salvage him._

_ I want to be his hero._

_ Why can't I be his hero?_

_ What am I doing wrong?_

**Author's Notes: There's a lot I want to do with this… mainly writing this from other people's perspectives instead of just Sasori's. I especially want to expand on Deidara's thinking, and I **_**will**_** get to it very soon, within the next few chapters. Chapters seven and eight are rather short, just under the 5,000 word mark, so sorry if that saddens you but I think chapter nine will be pretty long. **

**I also added quotes to each of the chapters! I tried to make them relate to the specific chapter but, if not, they relate to the story as a whole. This story is currently a high priority, but I need to stop neglecting the other two SasoDei stories…**

**Thank you for reading, please review!**


	8. unfaithfulness

**.disclaimer: don't own.**

_**.chapter eight: "unfaithfulness".**_

* * *

><p><em>"Sometimes I feel so - I don't know - lonely. The kind of helpless feeling when everything you're used to has been ripped away. Like there's no more gravity, and I'm left to drift in outer space with no idea where I'm going."<em>

**_-Haruki Murakami_**

* * *

><p><strong>2:18 AM, November 30<strong>

"Yeah, it's not like I'm going to sleep anyway."

Sasori spoke into the phone nonchalantly, standing in his kitchen as he stirred his cereal around mindlessly. In his apartment, his kitchen and living room lights were flicked on. His bed showed signs of disturbance, and it was evident that he had been in there but then got up. The tape player and a new tape awaited him on the couch and the redhead had finished pouring himself a bowl of cereal when a phone call came. He was about to ignore it, as he only felt like picking up the phone for the one person that he hadn't talked to for a long time, but when he saw it was Konan, he decided it was the least he could do after she walked in on him today.

"No, Konan, I'm fine. I promise. Momentary lapse in judgment. …Yes, I know that's what I said about the Hidan thing too. …No, I'm fine. …_No,_ I don't need you to take care of me. Konan, go to sleep. It's two in the morning. …Yes, I know it's two in the morning I just told you… No, I'm not going to do that again… Yes, fine, okay, tomorrow. Okay, bye. Bye. _Good bye, Konan._"

Sasori hung up irritably, feeling slightly guilty for being so short tempered with Konan. After all, she was just worried about him, which he found completely understandable. Had he walked in on himself slashing his arm open with a broken piece of glass after his best friend just tried to commit suicide twice, he would be worried too.

"Funny how I can think things like that so nonchalantly now…" he muttered as he picked up his bowl and walked over to the couch, where he set the bowl down on the table and put the phone on silent, setting it next to his food and put his headphones on.

Konan had stopped by to give him some homework that he forgot to pick up when he had gone. His door had been left open (probably by Tobi) and so she found it curious and entered his apartment. For once Sasori was glad that his door was open and someone just walked right in; had Konan not stopped him, he wasn't sure just how far his numb state of mind would have gone.

He moved to turn on the tape player but jerked as a wave of pain shot through him and he looked at his neatly bandaged arm, staring at it and staying absolutely still. He felt shame wash over him; he always believed that his mind was stronger than his body, that his mentality could get him through everything. But it was terrifying to realize that he had succumbed to what his mind wanted, which was physical pain.

He still didn't understand anything about Deidara's pain, no matter what he did. Pain was not something that could be replicated, and Sasori learned that, making it all the harder to help Deidara. But he was still going to, obviously. Maybe he couldn't relate to the pain, but he could very well try to understand where it came from. Once his mind cleared, he had chastised himself for thinking of Tobi as competition; now was not the time to create a petty fight with Tobi over Deidara's affections.

Deidara's life was in jeopardy.

Sasori should be happy that Deidara had someone else that was willing to do anything. There was more than one person willing to help him and always support him. Just because the idea that Sasori wouldn't be the most important person to Deidara was there didn't mean that Sasori could be selfish and think about that over Deidara's wellbeing.

What was important was that his best friend would be alive.

That was all that really mattered. Sasori had nothing to do with this; he was being selfish, he realized, and he couldn't do that.

He sighed and turned on the tape, taking the first bite of his cereal just as Deidara began speaking. _At least one thing is going to make me happy during this._

_ "And this tape will be about relationships, un."_

The redhead raised an eyebrow but didn't pause it. He was intrigued, however. Relationships? Did Deidara have a secret boyfriend or girlfriend that Sasori didn't know about that drove him crazy? Instinctively, he gripped the spoon so hard he could've sworn there was a dent in it; if some idiot hurt Deidara in any way that contributed to his current state of mind, Sasori swore he would absolutely _murder_ that person…

_"As you know, we both don't have exactly long relationships, un. Granted, mine are longer, but even they usually end within two months; most reaching only the one month mark. I've always… always been looking for a soul mate, as cheesy as that sounds. Because life is lonely and I want someone to be with forever, un. I don't want to be alone. But… I've dated so many and I've felt very little besides sexual attraction towards them. Wait, no. I only feel sexual attraction, un. At the most."_

Sasori could help but laugh lightly as he took another bite of his cereal. They weren't virgins, but by no means did they sleep around (except for Hidan until he got together with Kakuzu). It wasn't something they talked about either, unless they had a major complaint about something. Sasori remembered choking on his food because of laughter when Deidara would talk about, well, unattractive physical attributes of his partners.

_"Everyone's looking for a soul mate, un. No matter what he says. If he says he likes being alone, he's lying. Eventually he's going to want someone to grow old with and die with, un. Because as humans, we… we crave companionship and affection, un. And I'm scared… of being lonely. I am."_

He finished his cereal and pushed the bowl aside and leaned back, sighing and crossing a leg, resting the ankle on his knee. He folded his arms and closed his eyes, not out of fatigue, but out of anxiety. He drummed his slender fingers against his arms and shook his foot; his reluctance to listen to the tape was evident.

_"Every relationship I've seen has failed, un. Well, okay, almost. …No, the longest relationships I've seen have failed. Starting with my parents relationship and then my relationship with them… theirs fell apart when my mother cheated on my father and she ran off, leaving both of us. And eventually, well you know all this already, my father turned to drugs and alcohol and eventually he left too, un. I haven't talked to him since he left. He's one of the reasons that I don't and refuse to do drugs and alcohol; I don't want to end up like him, un. And smoking reminds me of my mother, and I don't ever want to end up like her. My whole perception of having a soul mate and staying with that person forever is completely shattered. I don't know… if I'll find someone that will stay with me forever. Because, honestly,"_ Sasori heard a light laugh, _"I don't even like myself. Why would anyone else, un?"_

Sasori remembered when Deidara first told him about his parents; they had been in eighth grade. It took them a while to become the best friends that told each other everything; becoming the best friends that did everything together came almost instantly, but to trust each other, well, that took much longer because they both had such strong and impenetrable walls.

It was hard for Deidara to tell him, Sasori remembered that clearly. The blonde spoke slowly, nostalgically, and in a low tone; Sasori had to stay absolutely still and quiet in order to hear him. He remembered feeling flashes of angry at the look of pain and sadness on Deidara's face at the time, the looks that were so common now. Maybe that was when he first began to fall in love, Sasori thought suddenly, he hated the thought that someone had hurt Deidara and never apologized or tried to make up for it.

_"I do, however, believe in love, un. Guess that's kind of weird to say, but I do because… because, well, I'm in love with someone."_

At that, Sasori's eyes flew open and he felt coldness run through him. He was in love with someone? His heart was racing and fear pervaded him; he suddenly wanted to go to Deidara's, throw the door open, and demand who it was. Did that person hurt him? Did that person make him sad? Did that person do something bad? Because if he did, Sasori swore he would _annihilate_ him.

But at the same time, he wanted to ask _why not me?_

He couldn't help but be selfish and wonder what quality this mysterious other person had. Thinking about it broke his heart, knowing that someone else had captured Deidara's heart. He dug his fingers into his arm through his sleeve and bit his lip, eyes downcast. It was out of his control anyway, he thought, he couldn't control who Deidara fell in love with and Deidara couldn't either. And it wasn't fair to feel jealous, angry, or sad. It wasn't as if Deidara knew of Sasori's feelings anyway.

Sasori never imagined that Deidara would be in love with him. They were best friends and as far as he was concerned, Deidara saw him in that light. If Deidara had feelings… well, he would have spilled by now, wouldn't he?

He sighed and continued listening to the tape, closing his eyes again, pretending his heart hadn't just shattered into a million pieces. Maybe Deidara would let slip who it was or at least some hints…

_"This person… this person is amazing. That's incredibly cliché but it's true, un. He's kind, he's caring, he's intelligent, he's loyal; he's everything that a perfect person is. Meeting him was the best thing I ever did and I'm so grateful that he was in my life. With him, life was slightly more bearable. He doesn't know though, un. And I'm not sure if he'll ever know, because he thinks we're just friends. My only regret is that I couldn't spend more time with him. I think it's a good thing he'll never know… I didn't want to make our friendship awkward, un."_

As Sasori listened to this, his anger melted away and all that remained was jealousy. He was so jealous of this mysterious person that made Deidara so happy, something he found he couldn't do no matter what he tried. If Deidara was so in love with this person, Sasori couldn't hate him. He made the person he loved happy, infinitely joyous; how could he hate someone that did that? He could be jealous of them, of course, but he couldn't hate him.

_"Thank you, danna."_

The redhead found the last few words of the tape confusing, but dismissed them easily. The tape ended and he removed the headphones and moved the entire device with him into his room. He flicked off the lights before he entered his bedroom, where he then closed the door and turned on the lights. Walking over to the closet, he took out the tape he just finished and put it in a cardboard box he had found. His fingers easily found the next tape and he fished it out from the tapes bound together by the rubber band and put it in the cassette player, then hid the player under a pile of clothes and blankets.

Standing up, he closed his closet and walked over to his desk. It was almost three; too early to be up, but too late to get some sleep. And it wasn't as if Sasori could sleep anyway, not after finding out Deidara was in love with someone and listening to another tape as to why he wanted to kill himself. Just the thought of listening to the tapes made him shudder; he could never understand how he managed to listen to them.

He sat down and pulled out an art history textbook and opened it to the page that he had put a sticky note in. He might as well get ahead on his homework, he thought dryly. The good thing about being an art major was that if he wanted to take his classes from home, it wasn't nearly as difficult as it would be for a math or science major. Most of his classes (he and Deidara both exempted from many of the core classes with credit from high school; Deidara passed the tests mainly because he pulled all nighters with Sasori's help) were art classes; this art history class was the only one that required intense reading. The others were mainly concentrated on developing his skills; for Deidara, he had sculptures to make, and for Sasori, he had puppets to work on. So really, it was quite nice.

Sasori paused and smiled slightly, remembering pulling all nighters with him. How they were both stressing over Deidara's ability to do well, how they chugged coffee and anything caffeinated to stay awake, how Deidara promised he would repay Sasori in the future, and how Sasori told him to shut up and study. Those were such carefree times, when they bantered so often, then instantly slipped into normal conversation.

How he missed those times, Sasori thought and began reading, smiling slightly.

_I'm glad you were in love with someone, brat._

_ It really is a great feeling._

**7:43 AM, November 30**

This was the earliest Konan had ever been up.

She stumbled into her bathroom and turned on the sink, immediately cupping her hands beneath it and splashing the cold water on her face. It seemed to instantly wake her up, as she shivered, patting her face dry with the fluffy towel behind her. She looked at herself in the mirror and was almost aghast at her appearance.

Disheveled hair, pale face, bags under her puffy, red eyes. She had cried herself to sleep last night after thinking about everything that had happened; she hadn't cried the two times Deidara almost died or when Sasori went insane temporarily. But this last time, it really struck her. Seeing Sasori that empty broke her heart and she'd never forget that huge gash on his arm, the one that made her stomach lurch while she was bandaging it. She had no idea how Sasori was living with the image of Deidara's arms because they, she assumed, were probably much worse.

And then last night, when she and Sasori hung up, she had crawled into bed, trying to get some sleep because it was almost two thirty in the morning. But she found she couldn't sleep. She kept tossing and turning, opening and closing her eyes, blanket on and blanket off; nothing could make her comfortable.

Then she felt hot tears pressing against her eyes and with no warning, she began to cry.

She cried for Deidara, who was enduring so much pain. Happy Deidara, the one that always tried to cheer her up, was suddenly depressed and wanted nothing more than to die. He slashed his wrists, took sleeping pills, almost drank himself to death; he was self destructing slowly, on purpose, to die. Even now, he was still self destructing. Still cutting, still bleeding, still hiding, still sad. Still slowly dwindling away, refusing to talk, smiling the fake smile, pretending to be okay when he was probably planning how to die next.

She cried for Sasori, who was suffering so much. Just like Deidara, he acted fine. His demeanor made it seem like he wasn't being torn apart on the inside. But those two instances, when he hit his head and when he cut himself, that was when it became too much and he cracked. He looked so lifeless, like he tried to give his life to Deidara, to restore that light and that happiness. He was slowly, indirectly, unintentionally killing himself as he tried to revive Deidara. Hurting so badly because he couldn't help his best friend and was so distraught that he wanted to harm himself to "try to understand," she cried for Sasori so much.

She cried for their friendship, their strong friendship that was beginning to fracture and break apart because of their refusal to talk to each other. She knew they were in love with each other but they never told each other, and so she cried more. She hated seeing friends fall apart and lovers never be united; it made her so sad, so infinitely, eternally, hopelessly sad.

She cried for herself, because she couldn't do anything. She was weak; all she could do was bandage them up and cry for them. She didn't know the right words to save them; she told Sasori he couldn't "salvage" Deidara and it was true, which made her cry more. She wanted her friends to be happy, but she couldn't do it, no one could, only they could, but they didn't know, they didn't know how.

Then she cried for every little thing that went wrong.

Her water that was too cold in the morning. Her stove that took a few tries to turn on. Her grades because they weren't as high as she'd like. Her classes because they were so damn early. Her boyfriend because he had to put up with her. Her unstable future because she had no idea what she was doing. Her expired milk which prevented her from having cereal. Her lack of fruit because she had been too busy and tired to go grocery shopping. Her empty stomach because of her lack of grocery shopping and a loss of appetite. Her shower that made a high screeching sound occasionally. Her clumsiness and forgetfulness that led her to lose her key once. Her unvacuumed floor and dusty kitchen because she didn't have the energy to clean.

She cried for every sad thing in the world that night.

**9:13 AM, November 30**

Sasori had just finished all of his art history homework for the rest of the semester. He closed his textbook and rubbed his eyes tiredly; it had been a while since he pulled an all nighter. He decided he needed coffee, and so he stood up and stumbled into his kitchen.

It was strange, but Sasori didn't even need sleep. He slept because he had time, not because he required it. It was perfectly easy for him to function normally with no sleep. That was part of the reason he had earned the nickname of "Puppet"; just like a puppet, he needed no rest. Come to think of it, Deidara came up with that nickname first, but it never stuck because he was always addressed as 'danna.' Sasori smirked as he turned on his coffee maker and poured in a few of the beans, waiting for it to be ready. He had been christened with the nickname as a joke at first, but it quickly turned into actual respect once they hit middle school and Sasori's artistic talent showed. Deidara disagreed with Sasori's view of art, but he recognized talent, and respected him for that.

The redhead retrieved a mug from the cupboard and stretched as he waited. He was supposed to meet Konan and the others today for lunch. She probably didn't trust him alone and, though he pretended he was annoyed, he was actually glad for the company. He knew Hidan was staying at Kakuzu's for a while, and he understood why.

Because that image of Deidara's heartbroken smile as he almost died was one that he would never forget. And then, right after the limp body was put on a stretcher and moved, to see another person smash his head into the wall? He was surprised Hidan still manage to keep it together.

When he was lonely, he remembered everything, because it was just him and his thoughts. He needed distractions; any kind of distraction. And it had been too long since he had real food. His kitchen was poorly stocked; he finished the rest of his milk and cereal last night, and thrived off of coffee and bags of chips for the time being. Had it not been for Sasori's new addiction to running whenever he felt restless, which was very often, the redhead was fairly certain he would've turned to skin, bones, and flab.

So he needed to get out. Get food, talk to people, remind himself that there was more to life than those damn tapes. He poured the finished coffee into his mug and took a sip, he always liked his dark, and picked up his phone, unlocking it and going straight to messages.

When he hit Deidara's name to send him a text, the phone spazzed out and returned to the home screen. Sasori frowned and tried again, and it worked this time, but it still gave him an uneasy feeling. His phone never did anything weird like that; either he, or someone else, would fix it. In all the years Sasori ever had his phone, it always functioned perfectly.

It gave him a weird feeling as he sent his message. He took another sip but frowned, staring at the phone as he waited for the reply.

Sasori relied on logic almost all the time; he never did anything based on instinct. But the few times that he did rely on instinct, his gut never failed him.

**9:13 AM, November 30**

_Tobi, I am so sorry._

_ It was a mistake on your part, it really was. You shouldn't have anything to do with me. I just cast unhappiness upon everyone I come in contact with. Stay away from me. Make yourself happy. You're a good kid, you know that? You deserve better._

He left his house for the final time, pulling the door closed with a definite slam. Phone and wallet; just like any day. Nothing special, no letters, no mementos, no. It was a normal day with the beautiful ending that he wanted. As he headed towards the elevator, he couldn't help but cast a glance over his shoulder, smiling sadly. He was actually feeling sad, knowing he'd never be able to come home again.

_ Hidan, I am so sorry._

_ You shouldn't have had to find me like that with danna. I'm sorry for hurting you, when all you've ever done for me was stand up for me. I know that you beat up everyone that day when I went to school. I was aware of the whispers and stares, and they did make me self conscious, but I tried to ignore it to not worry danna. And I saw you beat up one of the kids. Thank you so much. I hope you can one day forget the image of me almost dead. What am I saying? Of course you'll forget me. I'm not important. You'll all forget me eventually. I wish you the best._

He navigated the streets to the university easily, mingling in easily with the rest of the crowd. His blonde hair was up in his signature half ponytail and he donned a grey hoodie; one that was thin for the cold November weather, but then again, it didn't really matter. When he reached the university, he instantly walked through the quad and stopped in front of the door leading to the stairs to ascend to the top of the bell tower. Looking up, he smirked. Just yesterday he caught sight of this monument from his room and here he was today, about to go up for the first and last time.

_ Sasori no danna, I am so sorry._

_ You shouldn't have to deal with me. You shouldn't have to hurt because of me. You don't deserve all this stress. You didn't have to pull out of your classes and do them at home with me. You didn't have to. Please don't sacrifice yourself for someone like me; you give so much but I can't give anything in return. All I can offer is pain; no matter what I do, you end up getting hurt. And when you hurt, I hurt. I promise this is the last time._

He climbed the last few stairs, finally reaching the top. Immediately, he headed straight to the ledge, where a metal railing separated him from his goal. He leaned against the railing looking over the entire campus and gripped it, feeling his heart racing from climbing all those stairs. Somewhere in the back of his mind, as he climbed over the railing, he wondered if he was right in doing this. No last message, no last words; he hadn't even seen Sasori since the last attempt. Was it fair to him to do this? To not even give a warning?

Sighing, he carefully stepped onto the ledge that extended just about five inches from the railing and leaned against the railing, holding on—for now, anyway. It wasn't about his friends or Sasori anymore, Deidara thought dryly, smirking. This was about him and what he wanted. About him and his thoughts, him and his self hatred, him and his desires.

He suddenly remembered the ending to one of his tapes. Frowning, he closed his eyes and concentrated, trying to remember. It was weird how he thought about them at this time… but then again, he thought with slight amusement, it would be appropriate because Sasori would get those tapes once he was dead.

One of the tapes… the tapes about relationships, he was fairly sure, ended with him saying 'thank you, danna.' He opened his eyes and nodded, smiling slightly. He had slipped at that moment; he had just finished giving a brief overview of Sasori to, well, Sasori, about how he loved him and why, how he was so glad to have him in his life. And at the last minute, he thanked him for being in his life, for being there so Deidara could love him. He had been too tired to rerecord the tape and figured Sasori wouldn't figure it out, so he left it.

His grip released slightly as he began to lean forward. This early on a weekend, there was no one in the quad under him, and no one would see him. No one would stop him and interrupt his journey to death, just like the last two times. He just wanted to be alone, but he hated being lonely. And right now, he wasn't lonely in the slightest; before he had been lonely, but now he just wanted to be alone.

This was it, he thought excitedly as he felt himself falling forward. Any minute, his feet would leave the surface and go plummeting. This is what he wanted. He was finally getting it; finally being released from this cage that people called life. He smiled slightly and closed his eyes, already feeling the wind against him…

At that moment, he felt his phone vibrate.

**Author's Notes: I don't know why, but I really like the part about Konan, haha. Even though that was probably a random part, but I remembered that a reviewer suggested I add in reactions of others, so I tried to do that. I felt influenced by Jonathan Safran Foer… has anyone read **_**Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close**_**? If not, you should; it's an amazing book. The use of parallelism, mainly, I think was inspired by him and my attempt to make the reader feel something. 'Elastic Clause' is being updated soon, I **_**promise**_**. I just felt bad about not updating either SasoDei for a while so I decided to update this. I hope you enjoyed it, thank you for reading, please review!**


	9. airborne

**.disclaimer: don't own.**

_**.chapter nine: airborne.**_

* * *

><p>"<em>I'm lonely. And I'm lonely in some horribly deep way and for a flash of an instant, I can see just how lonely, and how deep this feeling runs. And it scares the shit out of me to be this lonely because it seems catastrophic.<em>_"_

_**-Augusten Burroughs**_

* * *

><p><strong>9:17 AM, November 30<strong>

_"You free today?"_

_ "Sorry, danna, un. Not really."_

Lies.

Sasori sprinted from his apartment to the university, running like he never had before. Something told him that something was horribly, terribly wrong. He finally gathered the courage to text Deidara; he hadn't seen him for so many days and he missed him so much. He wanted to see him based on selfish desires; he missed the blue eyes and blonde hair. He loved just being with Deidara; even now, with unspoken words always lingering between them, he still loved to spend time with him. Because he was in love with him and Deidara's pain wouldn't change that.

But when Deidara texted back that he wasn't free today, Sasori knew something was wrong. Never before had Deidara said he didn't "feel like" hanging out. He sometimes had conflicts, sure. But never did he actually not want to hang out with Sasori. Even if Deidara wanted to be alone, which Sasori didn't believe, the redhead didn't care. He was going to find him, whether Deidara wanted to see him or not. It didn't matter; they hadn't seen each other in so long and the thought of the blonde brat permeated every single waking thought of Sasori's. If he didn't see him soon, Sasori swore he would go crazy.

When he left his apartment and immediately headed towards the university, he realized it was odd. Why the university? His gut told him Deidara would be here and that it was bad; why? He reached the quad after ten minutes of sprinting (he used to loathe the close proximity of his apartment to school but now he was grateful for it) and looked around frantically.

Was it some kind of a best friend, telepathic bond that led him here?, Sasori wondered. His eyes scanned the vicinity before finally spotting a figure on top of the bell tower, the one that went off every hour. It was programmed so no one actually went up there, but today he saw a figure, someone with blonde hair on the edge of the brick building, in the arch under the huge clock, in front of the old, metal bell that people avoided.

Without thinking twice, he took off immediately, hoping, praying that he wouldn't be too late. He threw open the door and spring up the stairs, two at a time, the sounds of his footsteps echoing in his ears. There were too many damn stairs, Sasori thought and finally saw the door to the top opening.

When he reached the top floor, he wanted to yell out Deidara's name and throw open the door. But at the last minute, he controlled himself enough to open the door quietly and when he saw him balancing precariously on the edge, the heels of his feet and his grip on the railing the only thing keeping him from falling, Sasori caught himself, knowing not to startle him. "Deidara."

"…Danna, un?" Deidara was surprised as he looked over his shoulder, a blonde eyebrow arched and his eyes widened. "Why…"

"I… uh, Konan wanted… wanted everyone to get together today," Sasori's hand was shaking no matter how tightly he gripped the door handle and he knew he wasn't going to be able to hold a steady gaze, "So… so I texted you. But you said you didn't want to hang out… but I wanted… I wanted to see you…"

"You can say what you're thinking, un," Deidara interrupted him, his calm voice the polar opposite of Sasori's quivering one, "You don't have to pretend. Sorry about Konan, but really, I don't feel like going out today, un."

"If you don't… don't want to go out with everyone, we can just go somewhere… I just want… want to spend time with you."

"Danna," Deidara spoke and Sasori looked up, coldness washing over him at the sad smile on Deidara's profile, "I really don't feel like going out today, un. I'm sorry, but can you leave?"

Sasori gripped the doorknob and looked down. "No. Because if I leave, you will too."

He heard a light chuckle. "That's the point, un. Saving you from seeing me fall."

"I don't want you to die."

"We've always been opposites, un."

Sasori hated that he didn't know what words to say to comfort him. He never did and it used to not matter. When Deidara used to be sad, he'd brood over it for a while, then be back to his normal self. Sasori used to use his blunt sarcasm to make him feel better, but blunt sarcasm wouldn't work right now. He couldn't help but feel he had been sheltered his entire life up until now because he never had such a huge problem that he had to deal with. He didn't know what to do and frankly it made him want to give up. But he wouldn't. He would never give up, not just because of Tobi, but because this was Deidara and even if Deidara didn't want him, had someone else, Sasori would always be there.

"Please don't do this every time you feel suffocated," Sasori said and immediately Deidara turned to look at him again, surprised, "Tobi told me. About what he told you. And… and that, I'm pretty sure, scares you."

"And how do you know that, un?" A challenging remark said in a soft tone, wondering if there was actually someone that could understand anything about him.

Hesitantly, Sasori moved towards the ledge, next to Deidara. Deidara made no motion to move and so Sasori folded his arms and rested his elbows against the ledge, his fingers accidentally brushing Deidara's in the process. He looked out, taking in the view of the quad. It was a cloudy day, much like the cloudy feeling in his heart. But he felt strangely calm up here, alone with Deidara. Even though they were on opposite sides of the railing, he still felt so close to him.

"You don't like yourself," Sasori said simply, "And you don't see why anyone else would. You don't want to hurt other people, you just want to disappear, because you're tired of thinking that you hurt those around you. And to know someone's in love with you… that just means he's going to be in so much more pain if you do anything. And so now you're stuck. You still want to fade away, but you don't want to cause anyone anymore harm. Because you're a selfless person, brat," Sasori paused and turned his head slightly to look at him, smiling softly, "You care about others more than you care about yourself."

Deidara fell silent, as did Sasori, and they both stayed in silence for a few minutes, an agonizingly long period of time, until Deidara finally spoke.

"I can't believe you think that highly of me, un."

"And I can't believe you don't."

He heard another dry chuckle from Deidara and fought the urge to look at him. The laugh was so sad; it wasn't full of joy, it sounded cracked and desolate. Hopeless and empty; he had no joy left in him to fill his laughter. It was just sound and Sasori would have done anything to see and hear Deidara be happy again.

"Danna, have you ever been in love?"

Sasori felt his breath hitch at the question; how ironic, it was, to be asked by the person that he was in love with. Of course he has been in love, he wanted to answer, he was in love with him, that's why it hurt so badly to see him so depressed. But he knew now, of all times, was not the best time to tell him. Not that Sasori even planned on telling him anymore. After seeing how Deidara felt after Tobi told him of his feelings, Sasori was terrified to tell Deidara of his.

"…Yeah," Sasori answered, smiling slightly at the irony, "Yeah, I have."

"Isn't it scary, un?" Deidara asked, looking upwards at the birds flying overhead, "That person can make or break you. He can make you so happy or so sad with just a few words, un. I know what sadness is like. I know how it can destroy a person and I don't want that pressure. I don't want to hurt Tobi, but I can't lie to him."

"You… you're hurting him by doing this." _And you're hurting me too._

"Yeah, but eventually he'll get over me, un. Instead of a constant reminder of seeing me once, it'll be just one time of sadness. Everyone will get over it. Everyone will forget me, un. Even you, danna. Eventually, one day you can think of me and you won't be sad, un."

"If you do this, there won't be a day that I don't think of you and be sad." _I'd never forget you._

"Don't worry, danna," Deidara reassured him, even smiling slightly, "You'll forget me. Everyone will, un."

Sasori narrowed his eyes and bowed his head. _No, I really wouldn't._ "Did I ever tell you about how my mother died?"

The blonde looked over in surprise. Both their parents had died which was another similarity that drew them together, and Deidara was positive that they had told each other how. "Yeah, un. Car accident?"

"I lied," and the blue eyes widened at this, but Sasori didn't turn to look at him, "Suicide."

_What?_

"She committed suicide," Sasori repeated monotonously, "When I was young. I think when we were in middle school… when I was eleven. I came home and she was dead, hanging in her bedroom. You say that the pain fades away but, trust me," he paused and smiled sadly, looking down, watching a professor walk through the quad, unaware of what was going on above him, "…It doesn't. I still miss her to this day and I will never understand why she chose to do what she did. I didn't see it coming at all… I knew she was sad because my father died in a plane crash, but I just didn't know how badly she was hurting. And I blame myself, to this day, for not seeing it, and I wish I could turn back time and save her. I don't want another person that important to me to die," he turned to Deidara, who had been staring at him with a shocked expression ever since he began talking, "I can't promise you happiness. I can't promise you I'll make everything better. I can't promise you a solution. But I can promise you that I will always be with you and I'll do anything and everything I can to be by your side and help you in any way I can."

Deidara cast his eyes downward and looked away, gripping the railing. "…I'm sorry, un." He felt guilt wash through him suddenly; where was his resolve? He was so confident he was going to do this; even now, if he just jumped… because this was what he wanted. He wasn't going to live for someone else, no, not anymore. He wanted death and he was going to die. Sasori was close to him but they both knew he would reach out and grab Deidara if he jumped, but… something held him back.

"So your logic," Sasori continued, "Fails. I know that's not the only thing but… if you're wrong about that, maybe you're wrong about wanting to die. People won't stop hurting just because you're gone. Yes, the world is huge and none of us matter to the world. But I don't care what the world wants or needs; I want you in my life. Without you, I can guarantee you, that I will be miserable for the rest of my life. No one's going to replace you and I'm never going to forget you. I don't want to force you to live," he added hastily, "I don't want to force you to do something you don't want. But I… I really, really, _really_ don't want you… you know, _gone_."

"I'm in a void between life and death, balancing on that line, waiting to see which side I'll tip over to first," Deidara answered, shrugging slightly and smiling lazily, "Maybe I'll get to live before I die. Or maybe I'll just die. I don't know, un. But I don't want to wait and see where I'll go when I lose my balance. I'm making my own decision and… and I've chosen death, un."

He received no answer, but heard a kind of scuffling sound. Curious, he looked over and his eyes nearly bulged out of his head and he almost lost his footing as he saw Sasori climb over the railing precariously, his arms shaking as he gripped the railing tightly, and moved slowly to join Deidara on the edge.

"D-danna! Be careful, un! G-go back over!"

"If you jump," Sasori carefully adjusted his footing so that he wouldn't accidentally fall and his hands gripped the railing tightly, heart pounding as he spoke in a surprisingly calm tone, "I swear, I will be right there with you. I don't want to see you dealing with everything alone anymore. I'm your best friend. I care for you. I don't want you to go through everything alone."

"Danna, don't do this, un."

"You're doing it."

"We don't have to do everything together."

"We don't have to, but yet somehow we always end up together anyway. You dragged me with you to the bathroom every single time you had to go."

"Shut up, we were in elementary school, un!"

"You tend to drag me with you even now."

"Oh shut _up_, un."

Sasori laughed and after a hesitant pause, Deidara joined him. It was so very odd to argue in such a lighthearted manner in such a situation, acting so perfectly normal while they both teetered on the edge of a building hundreds of feet up in the air, their lives at the risk. Sasori was started to get a case of vertigo; no matter how tightly he gripped the railing, he kept feeling that he was just going to fall any second now. He was never fond of heights; Deidara was the one that loved to be up high. That time in the hot air balloon, Sasori crossed his arms and stared at the basket while Deidara leaned over the edge, peering at the ground below them.

"…So you've been in love, un?"

Sasori felt his heart leap again, for a reason other than the height. His face flushed scarlet and he gave a small nod and he heard Deidara laugh next to him. He had uttered that confirmation without much thinking, in a half dazed state, hoping Deidara wouldn't remember it. He thought that he was giving off vibes that Deidara would undoubtedly receive and understand; he was nervous, shaking, his face bright red, his palms sweating, and his voice would probably be shaky if he tried to talk—things that he never had to deal with around Deidara but, of course, he had to deal with _now,_ standing next to Deidara as he attempted suicide for the _third_ time.

"What's he like, un?"

"He's…" Sasori felt his throat go dry as he tried to figure out how to answer the question without using Deidara's name, "…the opposite of me. Technically speaking, he embodies everything I'm supposed to dislike, but I can't help but… be in love with him. We argue all the time, but we can easily get over it. I don't know what I would do without him because he makes me live my life and makes me do things I've never try. I'm so thankful to have met him."

As Sasori spoke, his voice grew softer and calmer, and he even smiled with a far away look in his eyes. Deidara noticed this and felt a pang go through him. He wanted to know who this person was but at the same time he didn't know; he didn't want to know the person that stole Sasori's heart because that would corroborate the fact that Sasori was in love with someone else. But at the same time, he wanted to know; he wanted to see who made him this happy.

"Do I know him, un?"

"Uh… yeah. I think." _I don't know if you know yourself anymore._

"You're not going to tell me who he is, huh?"

"Not now. Eventually. Later."

"Is this a way to make me get off the edge, un?"

"Do you think it is?"

"I do."

"What are you going to do about it then?"

Deidara sighed and closed his eyes, leaning back and casting his face upwards again, smiling lightly. After a few moments, he turned to Sasori, a smile on his lips and something resembling annoyance flashing through his eyes. "Guess I can't die without finding out who my best friend is in love with, hm?"

Deidara sighed and turned around, agilely climbing back over the railing. Sasori did so after he saw Deidara on the other side, although much more clumsily, to which Deidara laughed. Deidara took a hold of his arm and helped steady his best friend, holding on just a moment too long before he released his arm when Sasori landed. They then headed towards the staircase where they began to descend the long flight, with Sasori trailing behind him.

Was he annoyed that another attempt had been foiled?

Of course. Despite his smile, he wanted to yell on the inside; why couldn't people just let him die? But he realized that no matter how much he wanted to die, he'd never be able to do it with someone watching, much less knowing that the person could and would fall right behind him. Deidara wanted to kill himself, not others.

"Why?"

They had descended all those stairs in silence and once they reached the door, they stepped outside and Sasori spoke. Deidara turned around and raised an eyebrow, pretending he didn't know what it meant. "Why what?"

"Why did you try again? Do you…" Sasori paused and frowned, "Do you even try to… change your view between attempts? Or is all you think about how to make sure you die?"

A sick smile with a simple answer. "The latter, un."

Sasori managed a weak smile as he and Deidara headed off towards a café off of campus. He trailed behind the blonde, looking up every once in a while to make sure he was still with Deidara, who was oblivious that Sasori was behind him texting.

He sent two messages, one right after another and he pocketed his phone, letting out a long sigh of relief mixed with anxiety. What he was doing wasn't fair, but at the same time, what Deidara was doing wasn't fair either. It was a flawed, sick justification, but Sasori held onto anything that made him feel better with a death grip.

_Hey, can't hang out today. Taking Deidara somewhere. Can we meet up in a few days?_

_ I'm bringing him in in an hour._

**11:03 AM, November 30**

"Sasori, un."

Sasori flinched at being addressed by his name but held the door open for Deidara, staying strong under the cold and angry glare that was actually being directed at him. After the café, Sasori insisted that he had to go somewhere and wanted Deidara to go with him. Not suspecting a thing, the blonde followed Sasori absentmindedly, being distracted by their conversation about their homework and how Deidara had done absolutely nothing and how Konan wanted to meet up. Deidara caught sight of the bandages around Sasori's left arm and inquired about it, but the redhead hastily pulled his sleeve back down and assured him he accidentally cut himself while working on a puppet. Deidara was going to question how in the world he cut himself on his forearm, but remembered Sasori worked in the strangest positions on some of his puppets.

All had been going well until they stopped in front of a huge, modern looking building. He wondered what Sasori possibly had to do here until he read the name plate and he immediately felt cold and betrayed when he saw one certain name. _Umino Iruka, therapist._

Sasori was lucky Deidara didn't hail a taxi and leave immediately.

"Brat, please. Just… just come up, at least."

"I don't want to, un. You could've at least _told_ me that you were going to take me here. Did you give up on me?"

The cold and harsh words made Sasori flinch. "No. It's because I haven't given up on you that I'm taking you here. At least go up?"

Deidara glared at him and scoffed, but nevertheless walked through the open door to Sasori's relief. The elevator ride up to the fifth floor was silent and uncomfortable; Sasori was scared to look at Deidara and Deidara had no intention of even looking at Sasori. It felt like forever until the 'ping' was heard and the elevator doors slid open. After a brief moment, Deidara stepped out of the elevator and Sasori heard a soft sigh, suddenly reminded that Deidara had mentioned he didn't like elevators. He wanted to hit himself for forgetting; they should have taken the stairs.

"Iwa Deidara," Sasori said to the receptionist at the desk. She looked at her computer and smiled to the two, holding a hand out to point to the brown door.

"Umino-san is awaiting you, Iwa-san."

"I am _not_ going in, un."

"Brat, please."

"No. I came up and I saw the place. I'm not going in, un. I don't want to talk. If it's because of this morning, talking to him isn't going to change it. Nothing's going to make me change my mind unless I want to, un. Give it up, Sasori."

"_Deidara_."

The blonde looked up at Sasori, dread clouding him when he heard that he was addressed by his name, not by the nickname, which meant that Sasori was serious. The redhead looked so tired and weary, fatigued of everything. His brilliant red hair was dull, his pale skin deathly white; his brown eyes lacking the vibrancy of life, dark, pleading, and hollow.

"Please. One hour. Talk to him. _Please._"

Deidara stared at Sasori silently, his blue eyes hard, refusing to show how he was shaking. He hated therapists and their fake sympathy; all they cared about was money, after all. They didn't give a crap if he lived or died, because no one did. He didn't want to sit in a room and talk to someone that just saw him as a source of money; he didn't want to open up to someone who didn't care. It was different with Sasori; he didn't talk to Sasori because he didn't want to burden him. But to the rest of the world, he didn't want to talk to them because they just didn't care.

He didn't want fake sympathy or faux kindness. But he didn't know if he wanted someone to actually listen and to really care either. Because he had that, he had Sasori who would be willing to listen to him, despite the discomforts and how it would affect his mentality. Deidara had everything but wanted none of it; all he wanted was to disappear, to die, to never have existed.

But aside from dying, his other wish was to not make Sasori sad. He never wanted to make him sad; he never wanted Sasori to be affected by this. If he could turn back time, he would have made sure he and Sasori never met. He wished there was a potion that he could use to erase Sasori's memory of him; even if it meant loving someone who didn't know he existed, that would be better than knowing he loved someone that he was hurting.

And, Deidara mentally sighed, this was the least he could do. He could at least pretend to talk to Iruka for an hour, just one hour, to appease Sasori, make him smile even in the slightest sense.

"Fine, un."

And he got the smile, the small, grateful, relieved smile that he had been seeking. Before he died, Deidara hoped to see Sasori smile a genuine smile, a joyous one; the one that had appeared less frequently as they grew up and disappeared altogether after "that night." Before he died, Deidara swore he would make Sasori that happy again.

Faltering for a moment, Deidara gave a quick, forced smile and turned around. He pushed open the wooden door and entered the room, letting it close behind him, feeling dread already permeating him when he saw Iruka sitting at a couch across the one he was to sit at. He knew the routine; walk over, sit down, take a sip of water, and greet him.

"Iwa-san."

"Iruka-san."

"May I call you Deidara?"

"Go for it, un."

More silence as Iruka scribbled something down on the papers on the clipboard in his lap. Deidara wondered what in the world Iruka could be writing; all the information Deidara had given him was… well, permission to call him 'Deidara.' Was he writing down his first impressions? What he thought was right? Deidara couldn't help but smirk. He hated that therapists did that. They just assumed things and lumped their patients together into the same group. They were all depressed and suicidal, so obviously they all felt the same, their problems were all the same, they were just different names but would receive the same diagnosis. And Deidara hated that because they weren't the same; they were all different, their pain was different, their reasons were different. Maybe they could be similar, but by no means were they the same.

"So Deidara," Iruka said slowly, "You have attempted suicide… twice?"

"Three times, un. This morning I almost jumped off the Tokyo University bell tower," Deidara answered nonchalantly, shrugging, "Danna stopped me though, un. I still want to die though, don't get me wrong."

"And…" Iruka didn't seem at all fazed by Deidara's confession that he had attempted suicide again, which the blonde actually found rather insulting, "Why do you want to die so badly?"

"I don't want to hurt Sasori no danna, un."

"Interesting logic," Iruka's pencil paused and he looked up, frowning, "Care to elaborate?"

He sighed and looked down at the oriental rug, rubbing his shoes against them before finally speaking. "My existence hurts danna, un. So will my death. But my existence… will continue to hurt him. Every time he sees me he'll be reminded of what a failure I am. But if I die, he won't have to see me anymore, un. And he'll eventually get over my death and he'll never see me again, and he won't be reminded of what a screw up I am. So in the end… to make danna happy, I have to be dead, un. Because I don't want danna to be sad… especially not because of me, un."

He let out a long sigh, ignoring the gnawing feeling in his stomach. When he looked up, he was surprised to see a skeptical look on Iruka's face. With the other two therapists, when he told them what he just told Iruka, they would nod and take him seriously, jot some notes down, completely buying into what he said. The fact that Iruka wasn't doing the same made him nervous—did someone see past him?

"You're not being honest," Iruka said softly, smiling slightly at Deidara as he leaned back and rested his elbow on the armrest, his hand against his face, "You're not admitting the real reason why you do this to yourself. You're not being honest, and if you're not honest, I can't help you. Yes, you don't want to hurt Sasori. But that's not your reason for wanting to die; that's your cover up. That's what you keep telling yourself because you don't want to admit that you have all these empty, aching feelings. It's not just Sasori; you're not doing this for him, to help him. You're doing this for yourself, because _you_ don't want to live, because _you're_ not happy. It's not all about Sasori, Deidara. This is completely about you. So, tell me. How do _you_ feel? Nothing about Sasori. This is completely and totally about you."

"I…" Deidara faltered and brought his gaze down to stare at his reflection in the mug of coffee. Iruka was right there and Sasori was just outside the door; the two people that Deidara could talk to. Iruka, because he was a professional, and something about the kindness in his eyes made Deidara loosen up slightly around him. Sasori, because he was Sasori, the person that Deidara would trust with everything. But he didn't want to burden Sasori and he didn't want to unload on Iruka. He didn't deserve such kind people in his life; he didn't deserve to have people willing to listen and help him.

"I feel nothing, un," he said finally, after a momentary pause.

"Why?"

"Because I am nothing."

When the words left his lips, a temporary surge of freedom ran through him. He hadn't realized how he had grown so accustomed to his lies that he didn't even notice that pressure. The truth freed him, and those words were the first true ones he had spoken in a while. It was exhilarating and terrifying, since being honest was terrifying. It made him vulnerable and weak, two things he tried to do everything to avoid.

"Mm…" he heard Iruka make a sound of acknowledgment and wrote something down, this time he seemed more satisfied with the answer. Then he looked up, his eyes kind, lips uttering the question that drove Deidara out of every therapist's room before. "Are you in love with Sasori?"

The blonde almost stood up and left, but didn't. He promised Sasori he would talk to Iruka for an hour and even though he felt like forever had passed, he knew it couldn't have been more than ten minutes. That, and Iruka was the first one to see through that first layer that was obsessed with Sasori. Which, Deidara had to admit, he probably was; he was so in love with him that it was almost intoxicating and suffocating. But that was a cover up he used to fool himself and everyone, because he didn't want to understand his emotional pain. He didn't want to "delve deep into his soul" and have to explain something so complex that he didn't even know. He wanted a simple, concise explanation so he wouldn't have to explain all this. He didn't like to talk about himself very much, and so he wanted to leave.

But Iruka was the first one to see a bit of who he really was and, as far as Deidara was concerned, might be one of the only two people that would actually _understand_ him. And for that, he would stay, because he still craved someone to understand him.

"…Yes."

"And so you know how it feels like, right? To love someone that passionately? To think the world of them and to wish them nothing but happiness and harm?" Iruka asked gently, with a soft smile that made Deidara feel ashamed for some reason.

Deidara hesitated, his mind flashing to the tornado of emotions that swept through him at the very thought of Sasori. Happiness, sadness; serenity, anxiety; the desire to confide in him, the fear of looking weak, all these paradoxical feelings came together whenever anyone even uttered the redhead's name. But above that, Iruka's words were true. He would do anything for Sasori, and that was terrifying; that kind of devotion and love scared him so badly. "Yes."

"I'm sure there's someone who loves you back."

"I know there is," Deidara mumbled, hoping Iruka wouldn't hear but he did. The brown haired man raised an eyebrow and frowned, glancing at the door momentarily, wondering if he knew it was Sasori. But judging by his reaction, he was fairly sure it wasn't. The blonde looked sad, the kind of sadness that wasn't for himself but was for someone else, almost an apologetic one. While he could have been feeling sad that Sasori was in love with him, Iruka didn't think it was so. The atmosphere between the two didn't weigh heavily with reciprocated feelings but the inability to express them. It was heavy with the assumption of unreciprocated feelings. Thus, Iruka deduced there had to be someone else; someone else was in love with Deidara and Deidara felt horrible, because he was in love with Sasori and was unintentionally but hurting that person.

"So," Iruka paused, frowning again as he tried to decide how he would phrase this next question, "why do you still feel like nothing, knowing that someone is willing to sacrifice his entire life for you?"

"I don't deserve it," the dry words left Deidara's chapped lips almost immediately, throat aching for water and heart pounding furiously, "I don't know why he's in love with me, un. How can someone fall in love with me if I don't love myself? I don't see how it's possible; there's no single aspect of me that someone could fall in love with."

It was the quickest response he had given all day and both were surprised at it.

Iruka nodded and he put his clipboard and pen down, something that surprised Deidara. Blinking, the blonde stared at the two objects on the coffee table. "No more notes, un?"

"No," Iruka shrugged, "I can't take notes of an entire session. I'm here to listen, not to take a test. Now, since this is the first session, I've been jumping around, as you can see. As much as I hate to admit it, and you should be aware of this, some people… pretend, no? But your answers indicate that you aren't; you actually are mentally tortured by yourself. Your answers were genuine and your test was my note taking. Many people tense up when they see me taking notes and they feel they have to give the "right" answer, and it's very obvious. They stutter more and their eyes dart around; some of them even fidget because they want to "pass the test." A bit cruel," he laughed, "But effective."

"So…" Deidara frowned, asking to confirm this, "I really am fucked up, un?"

"A chemical imbalance in the brain," Iruka corrected, "Yes. Sasori mentioned that you didn't know if you actually did "have a problem" as you put it…"

"Danna?" Immediately, Deidara's eyes widened and he became more alert, "How did he know?" His heart started pounding; he was sure he had never told Sasori that because they had such rare heart to hearts. _What if,_ suddenly, he was overtaken and seized by a fear, _the tapes…_

"He said you sleep talk," Iruka answered and immediately, all of Deidara's feels were assuaged. _Of course. Sleep talking. Not the tapes. …The tapes I still need to find, __**fuck**__…_

"What I want to talk to you about today is the suicide attempt from this morning," Iruka continued, gazing calmly at Deidara, "Could you describe it to me? Why did you try to commit suicide so soon after the last attempt which was, also, incredibly close to the first one? What goes on in your head between these attempts?"

Deidara sighed, letting out a sigh that moved his fringe slightly. "Honestly, un?"

"Honestly."

"When I'll try again next. How I'll do it. How I can't wait for that rush. Because all I want is to die, un." When he finished speaking, he crossed his arms and looked away, digging his nails into his arms. His heart was pounding anxiously; was this what it felt like to be honest? It was so terrifying, and suddenly Deidara remembered why he was seldom so honest with himself especially to others. It made him vulnerable and weak, giving a glimpse to outsiders what he was really like on the inside, the person he hated and wanted to kill.

Iruka smiled, as if he was pleased with the answer. Being a therapist was hard; Iruka had to constantly remind himself to not give in to his emotions. He had to stay detached, after all; he was supposed to help them, not sympathize because that would add emotion which would be more harmful than beneficial. It was hard to keep smiling and nodding, acting like he wasn't being affected by Deidara's brash honesty. The teen was fidgeting and looking away, scowling, obviously uncomfortable with the situation.

See, Iruka had a tactic. He never went straight to the question that all therapists asked eventually, whether directly or indirectly. Being direct with that question was difficult and usually yielded no answers or fake ones. Iruka toyed around first, for a lack of better words; he beat around the bush, and made his patient more comfortable with him, making them think deeply. Because it wasn't an easy question to answer; there was never a single answer and no answer was ever comprehensive. A therapist's goal was to help the patient form as complete an answer possible, because once he knew, he could begin the road to recovery.

"Deidara, I want you to answer this question right now. I won't ask this again, but I want you to keep it in mind, and think about this until you can come up with a full answer, one that will hopefully be more complete than the one you give right now as your first instinct."

Deidara looked up and frowned, nodding, looking confused by the question. Iruka smiled again.

"Why are you unhappy?"

The blonde opened his mouth, but found he had no words, which was surprising. He knew he was unhappy, that was for certain. But this unhappiness was like some unnamed disease; he didn't know how to describe it, but he was aware of its presence. He wished he knew all the words in the world, suddenly, because one of them had to hold the meaning for everything he felt. Something stronger than unhappy, than depression, than hopeless.

"Anything," Iruka said gently, "Anything that comes to mind. It's a hard question, I know."

"Because… because danna is unhappy, un."

"Deidara," Iruka shook his head, the smile still on his lips, "Don't lie to me. Don't lie to yourself. This isn't about Sasori. You use Sasori as a cover because you're confused and you don't know anything about yourself. You're angry that you can't come up with a solid reason for your depression and so you use Sasori, because it makes sense. He's your best friend and you're in love with him; his pain is yours, what makes him sad makes you sad. But you can only keep thinking that way for so long; eventually, the shield will crumble. Sasori can't be your excuse forever. Why are _you_ sad? What about _yourself_ makes you sad?"

"I… don't know, un," Deidara said lowly, casting his eyes downward. In all honesty, this question made him uncomfortable. He didn't want to think that much about himself; he wasn't use to not being able to depend on Sasori. And suddenly, he realized, he was entirely too dependent on Sasori. From everything to hanging out to school, from deciding what to do to how he felt about himself; he used Sasori for everything. And that wasn't fair. It was disgusting and low of him and he felt something crawl over his skin. "Can I… can I come back next week and tell you?"

"Of course." Iruka seemed pleased that Deidara had indirectly agreed to more sessions. "Same time, same place."

The blonde nodded in agreement and relief, standing up. He seriously needed time to contemplate this, he decided, and to get used to not being so dependent on Sasori. He couldn't rely on him forever; he had to learn how to be independent. As he turned to leave, he suddenly stopped and turned to Iruka again. "How… how much is danna paying you, un?" Deidara asked nervously, looking around the well furnished room. It couldn't be cheap and no matter how scrupulous Sasori was with his money and how the redhead never seemed to have any financial difficulties, he was still a college student. He still had loans and debt that he had to take care of, and Deidara wasn't going to let his own issues burden Sasori. He would pay for these sessions himself.

"Nothing."

Deidara blinked in surprise and stared at Iruka. "…Did he tell you to tell me that, un? Because I can pay."

"No," Iruka looked up and smiled gently, "I'm not charging him. I honestly care about you. There's something about you… something about you and Sasori that makes me want to help you in any way possible. Money doesn't matter. I just want to help you get better, Deidara."

They were cliché words, words that Deidara had heard before. But something about Iruka's tone and his warm eyes struck something in the blonde; it was so genuine. Here was a therapist that actually wanted to help him because he wanted to alleviate the pain instead of just for money. Someone who could listen and would, who would give up time just for him because he cared.

Immediately, the small voice in the back of his head spoke.

_I don't deserve this kindness._

Despite the words, Deidara smiled softly, the first genuine smile Iruka had seen out of him. It had been so long, Deidara thought, since someone besides Sasori seemed to genuinely care for him. He knew his friends cared but he couldn't help but wonder if they were caring because they had to or because they wanted to. Or maybe they were curious; Sasori was the only one that Deidara knew was genuinely concerned. Everyone else he wasn't sure and was wary to believe. But here was Iruka, warm and kind, willing to help and genuinely concerned for Deidara's wellbeing and… it made him feel like he was important. He was noticed. Someone noticed him and didn't ignore him, choosing to approach him and talk to him. That made him feel like he was actually worth something; he wasn't a piece of garbage that could just be picked up and thrown away. Someone gave a crap about him, and for that, Deidara smiled.

"…Thank you."

**Author's Notes: Next chapter… I'm hoping that there's very little Sasori and Deidara because I want to try to expand on the feelings of everyone else. But I'm thrilled I finally wrote a chapter that was pretty centered on Deidara. Thank you for reading, please review!**


	10. isolation

**.disclaimer: don't own.**

_**.chapter ten: isolation.**_

"_There is something demoralizing about watching two people get more and more crazy about each other, especially when you are the only extra person in the room. It's like watching Paris from an express caboose heading in the opposite direction-every second the city gets smaller and smaller, only you feel it's really you getting smaller and smaller and lonelier and lonelier, rushing away from all those lights and excitement at about a million miles an hour."__  
><em>_**―**__**Sylvia Plath**__**,**__**The Bell Jar**_

**12:17 PM, December 3**

"You got Deidara to go to therapy?"

Konan gestured towards her phone excitedly and, around the table, everyone else raised an eyebrow, silently toasting each other at Sasori's accomplishment. "That's great!" Konan continued happily, "So is he doing… you know, better?"

Konan's lunch gathering had finally happened, but both Sasori and Deidara were missing. The redhead had said he needed to go with Deidara to his therapy session and then Deidara wanted to take Sasori somewhere. Konan couldn't argue with that; not only would she not separate them but for once Deidara wanted to go out, and she wasn't going to change that. Sasori assured her the two would meet up with them soon, and Konan had accepted the promise.

"So how is he?" Pein asked and sipped his water, keeping an eye on his girlfriend who was staring at her phone, her facial expression seemingly the opposite of the animated one when she was on the phone.

"He's doing better!" Konan hesitated before answering, smiling brightly, "Doing… better…"

"Don't worry, Konan-san!" Tobi chirped up, getting so animated that he almost tipped over his lemonade that Zetsu saved just in time. "Senpai is strong and with Sasori-san, he'll be okay! Because senpai cares for Sasori-san and Sasori-san cares for senpai more than anyone else possibly could!"

The bright smile remained but inside, Tobi's heart split at the mention of their names. Two days ago Deidara had called, a phone call that Tobi was expecting but dreading. He remembered his confidence when talking to Sasori, as if he was sure that Deidara would reciprocate his feelings. But on the inside, he was shaking, knowing that Deidara would never love him the same way that he did Sasori, and trying to come in between that was pointless and futile.

_"Hello?"_

_ "Tobi, un."_

_ "S-senpai! Hi!" __Tobi dropped the paper plate he was holding that had his dinner of a drumstick and some rice (he wasn't the healthiest eater) and ignored it as it fell onto the floor. He leaned back against the wall and crossed his arms then uncrossed them nervously, his heart racing and blood rushing to his cheeks._

_ "Tobi," Deidara repeated, pausing, "…I'm sorry, un. But… but you know how strong love is. And… how it's uncontrollable. It's not fair to you. I…" Deidara stopped and sighed before speaking again, "I'm sorry, un. I am."_

_ Tobi smiled sadly, knowing what Deidara wanted to say before correcting himself, the silent words ringing in his head. _I can never love you as much as I do Sasori. Because you're not him and I can't fall in love with you as long as he's here.

_"It's okay, senpai," Tobi managed a light laugh and twisted the hem of his shirt around his finger, "Tobi was expecting this, anyway. Tobi just wanted you to know that Tobi cares for you a lot and will support you and try to help you in any way possible. _

_ "Tobi, you don't understand, un," Deidara spoke again, desperation creeping into his voice, "It's… hard. To know that someone has those kinds of feelings towards you and you can't do anything about them or about how you feel. Really, I'm sorry, un."_

_ "Really, senpai, it's okay," he kept the fake joviality in his voice, pretending his heart wasn't breaking and his eyes weren't stinging even though he knew that this would be the outcome, "Tobi knows what it's like to love someone. And Tobi knows how you can't control it. Tobi just…" he paused, eyes downcast and a soft smile lingering, "I just want you to be happy, senpai. And I want to know that you have people that care about you. So much. Like me. That's all."_

_ Deidara didn't answer but that didn't stop Tobi from waiting, even though he knew that the blonde wasn't going to answer it. How could he, after all? The point of all this was to isolate himself, permanently detach himself from everyone. And now Tobi was telling him, forcing it on him that people didn't want him gone and wanted him there. He meant it in a good way, wanting Deidara to know if he wanted to talk people would listen._

_ But that was the problem; Deidara had to want to talk. And frankly, both knew that Deidara didn't want to talk. One thing was on his mind but it was a fate no one wanted to imagine except him. Because the cliché, stereotypical comfort words were stupid and annoying to Deidara but Tobi couldn't think of anything else to say, so he just blurted them out. And suddenly he wondered if Sasori said the same thing; did he say the overused, expected phrases of "I'm here for you" and "it'll all get better"? Or did he say blunt things, things that people usually didn't say to those who are suicidal just because he was Sasori and Sasori didn't change for anything or anyone?_

_ But then again, Tobi almost laughed but kept it in at the last minute, this was Deidara. Just as Deidara would do anything for Sasori, Sasori would do anything for Deidara, a kind of desperate, destructive love that no one understood and the two didn't know they shared. They were losing themselves in each other and didn't know it, self destructing unintentionally, falling harder and harder._

_ "Senpai," the silence was finally unnerving enough for Tobi to speak, and he forced a cheerful tone, "Tobi has lots of homework to do! So… Tobi will see you in the future?"_

_ "…Yeah. Yeah, un, bye," Tobi heard Deidara say softly after a pause. Waiting a few seconds, just in case he wanted to add anything, Tobi gave up and hung up the phone, staring at it sadly and wistfully._

_ I wish I was the one you wanted, senpai._

The words popped into Tobi's mind immediately and he chose to ignore him. Tobi was always naïve, believing in the best, eternally optimistic. But that optimism made him believe that he had a chance in this, in a situation where he knew two people were so entangled that they wouldn't be separated without one of them completely losing it. He didn't want to hurt Deidara, God no, but he knew that if he didn't do anything, he'd always be the friend.

"That's dangerous though," Itachi muttered, frowning thoughtfully taking a sip of his water before continuing, "Don't you think they're… too attached?"

"Itachi, you can never be too attached to the person you're in love with!"

The Uchiha rolled his eyes lightly, smirking. "Konan, I admire your undying belief in love. It truly is optimistic and you manage to make it sound wonderful. However, it isn't like that," he said simply, ignoring Konan's glare, "What I'm saying is that Deidara and Sasori are far too attached. They don't know of each other's feelings and what about the future? What happens if they're separated? How are they going to survive? What if Deidara is still mentally unstable and what if Sasori gives up and dates someone else? What if—"

"That won't happen," Tobi interjected quickly and quietly, looking down as everyone turned to look at him with surprise, "Sasori-san will never stop loving senpai. Just as senpai will never stop loving Sasori-san. Tobi knows it. If… if they try to move on, it might work for a little while. But they'll always be in love with each other. Forever."

"That is wonderfully naïve," Itachi said and Tobi flushed, "But we have to be realistic. Look, they're losing it. Deidara can't live with Sasori, literally. Sasori can't live without Deidara, figuratively. If something happens to Sasori, Deidara's going to lose it. If Deidara loses it, Sasori's gone. They have to learn how to be independent. They can't be so dependent on each other. They're isolating themselves from us as they get closer to each other and farther apart. That's the truth," he shrugged, holding a hand up to beckon the waiter over, looking at the group again, "Whether or not you like it."

"So…" Kakuzu's brow furrowed, "…We're losing both of them?"

Except for Itachi, everyone was quiet, listening to the Uchiha quietly and seriously tell the waiter what they'd like to eat. Even after he left, they didn't talk, digesting what Itachi said, chills settling over them. What started out as the almost death of one friend was not the slow death of two, deaths they couldn't stop or even see, which was even more terrifying.

"You know what's weird about all this?" Kisame asked casually suddenly, even laughing a little, "That even though they're dying when they're together or apart, that even though anything they do will be bad for themselves and each other, that this might be pulling them apart, they're falling in love and getting closer. They're going to get to the point where they're so dependent on each other that it's scary."

Tobi looked down and nervously played with his napkin, digging his nails into his palms, barely hearing the others talk about if they could somehow keep the two apart without really keeping them apart. Digging his nails into his palms was a habit that he had developed when something was bothering him and Zetsu, who noticed that the younger Uchiha was quiet, didn't fail to notice it, but did fail to notice that Tobi most probably didn't want to be noticed.

"Oi, Tobi. **What's wrong?"**

And suddenly, it was quiet and everyone turned to him, waiting for an answer. The red eyes widened at the sudden attention and felt his heart rate accelerate; he didn't want everyone to know, not like this, not when they were talking about _Sasori_ and his senpai. In fact, he was fairly sure no one else knew; Deidara was the first person and Sasori the second. Tobi didn't want the others to know primarily because he didn't want their pity. Because as tactless as they were, they would undoubtedly try to be kind to Tobi about his unrequited (and pretty much hopeless) love, and he didn't want that. All he wanted to get out of his feelings for Deidara was to know he was helping him. That was it; an act of selfless love.

"Tobi just…" he swallowed nervously and looked down again, "…Tobi… feels… isolated."

There, he thought mentally, breathing out a sigh of relief. It was the truth but it didn't reveal anything. He hoped it was enough to get everyone off his back but looking at them, it clearly wasn't.

"What do you mean?" Zetsu asked, speaking up for the rest of them, "You're here. **With all of us.** You're not alone, moron."

"It's just that… senpai and Sasori-san are getting closer, right?"

"…Depends how you view it."

"They are," Tobi said firmly, "They definitely are, even if it doesn't seem like it. And… and like Kisame-san said, they're going to be so dependent on each other. And all they're going to need and want is each other. And they won't need us anymore. And Tobi… Tobi doesn't want senpai to not want him anymore. Tobi wants senpai to get better, obviously," he added in a rush, "But… Tobi doesn't want it to come to the cost of senpai being completely dependent on Sasori-san and forgetting the rest of us. Because… we're his friends too."

"You're right," Pein was the first to speak after a brief pause, leaning back in his chair and smiling slightly, "But you're not right. We are his friends, so it isn't fair for them to shut us out. But they're not doing this on purpose, right? This is who they are. Sasori is antisocial by nature. Deidara keeps things to himself, only showing us what will make us not worry. And they're best friends and in love with each other; of course it's natural for them to unconsciously go to each other if one or both are hurting. We care about Deidara too and he knows it. It's just that he'd much rather have Sasori. But Deidara's not going to stop being your friend, Tobi."

_But I don't want to be his friend. I want to be more._

"…Yes, of course, Pein-san. Tobi supposes he was being paranoid!" the red eye crinkled into soft, gentle laughter albeit forced, unnoticed by everyone except Zetsu who was frowning at him. "It's just that…" he paused and looked downcast, uncharacteristic sadness flicking over his usually genial features, "Senpai has been our friend for so long and so close to all of us. We've always been together. And now this is such a huge thing but it's like senpai doesn't want us anymore and it makes Tobi feel… sad."

At that moment, their food arrived and the conversation shifted to school and plans they had for the upcoming winter break, laughter and smile replacing sadness and seriousness. But Tobi couldn't join them as he ate his food quietly, absentmindedly eating rice with his chopsticks, staring out at nothing, giving only the shortest of responses with feigned interest.

His biggest fear was that Deidara would officially no longer need him or even want him. He always made himself believe that in some way Deidara needed him, even as a friend. He needed someone like Tobi, someone childish and naïve to brighten his day. But at this rate he wouldn't have a need for him; at this rate, the only person Deidara would need would be Sasori, whether or not it would be mutual. Tobi could handle not being loved by him. He could handle not being needed. But he couldn't handle not being wanted, being a discarded accessory. Because he felt that once Deidara reached the point where all he would need is Sasori, he wouldn't want anything else.

It was terribly selfish and he realized that; he wanted to hit himself for being so selfish and irrational. But he was so in love with him that it made him into this monster; he foolishly believed that Deidara would need only one person and that he would discard everyone and everything else. He hated being in love with someone that loved someone else, he hated being in love in general. It turned him into such a horrible person and he couldn't control it.

This wasn't an innocent love that people cooed over in books and movies. This wasn't the mutually beneficial love in which both parties were happy, the love that made them better people. This was a sick, twisted, desperate, delusional love; one that changed Tobi for the worse, made him obsessive, made him irrational, deluded him into thinking that this was still _good_ love, love that was for the sake of both of them.

And so for the rest of the meal, he spent the time bantering with himself, trying to assuage his fears. People assumed love was a beautiful thing, full of euphoric feelings, one of the best experiences in life. Tobi disagreed vehemently, furiously stabbing his chopsticks at whatever he felt like eating, ignoring the twisting sensation of his heart.

Frankly, it sucked.

**3:41 PM, December 3**

"You're in love with Deidara, aren't you?"

Tobi stopped walking and looked up, almost in embarrassment and looked back down, nodding slowly. After they had all finished, they all separated, whether it was going to the library to get work done, to go somewhere to chill, or, in his and Zetsu's case, go back to the dorms because they were tired. The journey had been made in silence until this point, when they were almost at their room. He heard Zetsu give a sigh and didn't dare look up, feeling his face burn up. It was no use lying to Zetsu; he would see right through him. Clenching his fists, the younger boy spoke again, his voice shaking.

"I-it's bad… I know. Because senpai's in love with Sasori-san and Sasori-san loves senpai too. And Tobi knows this but refuses to tell either of them just to prolong their getting together. All I want is for senpai to be happy, I swear," he blurted out, looking up, face flushed a guilty pink, "It's just… I don't know if Sasori-san can make senpai that happy."

"So you're saying you can make him happier?" Zetsu asked, leaning against the wall with his arms crossed, his face surprisingly calm, devoid of any trace of emotion, which Tobi appreciated. "You think you can successfully come between them? Separate them? Take Deidara for yourself? Get rid of Sasori? Because we all know Deidara is head over heels over the cliff in love with Sasori."

"No!" Tobi protested immediately, "No, not that… just…"

"You think you're better than Sasori? That he doesn't deserve Deidara? You know him better so you can help him more?"

The younger male could hear his heart pounding in his ears, feeling light headed all of a sudden and having to support himself by leaning against the wall. The way Zetsu was saying this made him feel like such a horrible person, and since he was reacting this way, that meant it was all true, didn't it? He kept telling himself it was for Deidara's sake, for Deidara's wellbeing, that everything was for Deidara, but this entire time he was doing this for himself, for his own selfish reasons.

"Tobi just… wants senpai to be happy… Because Sasori-san… Sasori-san is part of the reason that senpai is so sad, isn't it? And he's not even helping that much… if anything he's making it worse!" he tried to reason, more with himself than with Zetsu, desperately, "Tobi just wants senpai to be _happy_…"

"Happy with you," Zetsu interjected, sneering almost, "**You want Deidara for yourself so badly you're going to break his heart first by taking Sasori away from him then you're going to make him fall in love with you? You're going to take advantage of his current state? You're not concerned at **_**all**_** what losing Sasori would cause him to do? Don't be such a selfish bitch."**

"Z-Zetsu-san…" Tobi said softly, feeling himself tremble at the harsh words. While he knew that what Zetsu was saying was indeed true, he couldn't fathom why he would say them so bluntly, in such a harsh tone. As he stepped towards Tobi, the Uchiha was terrified that he was going to get a harsh beating and closed his eyes, trying to inch away.

"You're so blinded by Deidara that he consumes your every waking moment," Tobi was surprised to hear Zetsu's calm voice, low and soft, almost heartbroken, "That you don't see anyone else and his feelings."

He felt the disappearance of a warm body and footsteps, but it took Tobi a few moments to decipher the last words he spoke before he understood them and opened his eyes, only to be greeted by nothing. The hallway was empty and he couldn't even hear where Zetsu was anymore, eyes wide and mind spinning.

_You're so blinded by Deidara that he consumes your every waking moment. That you don't see anyone else and his feelings._

_ Tobi, you don't understand, un. It's… hard. To know that someone has those kinds of feelings towards you and you can't do anything about them or about how you feel. Really, I'm sorry, un._

_ Senpai, I do understand._

**3:54 PM, December 3**

Zetsu returned to his dorm and collapsed, throwing his backpack on the floor and throwing himself onto his bed, mentally berating himself for going off on Tobi like that. It wasn't fair to Tobi, he knew, to say those words, even if they were true and if they were what he felt. His therapist had told him to be honest and Zetsu wanted to go to him and exemplify how honesty _sucked._

_Tobi probably hates me now. It wasn't my place to say those things to him._

He groaned and brought a hand up, forming a fist and hitting the wall next to him. He was just so angry that he lost control; he had an inkling that Tobi liked Deidara more than usual but he didn't know the feelings were _that_ strong. And to hear that he was in love with him, to find out and to see the true extent made his heart twist with jealousy and rage. He was usually pretty good at keeping his emotions under control, even without the help of medication, but he just… lost it.

_I bitched out a totally innocent kid and I've probably made him cry and scarred him for life. I'm jealous of a suicidal and depressed kid whose life sucks. I also extremely dislike this kid right now. I'm pretty sure this qualifies me as the worst person ever._

He wondered if Tobi was going to come back to the dorm. Technically he should, Zetsu reasoned, where else would he go? But at the same time he knew Tobi hated confrontations and so he would probably avoid him for a while, probably hide in someone else's room. He let out a frustrated groan and brought up a hand to tug his green locks angrily. _**Fucking temper always ruins things. Way to go self, way to fuckin' go.**_

He always knew Tobi was in love with Deidara, whether or not the kid wanted him to know. It wasn't like it was blatantly obvious, he was good at covering it up under the pretense that he just really, really, _really_ admired the artist. But Zetsu, as someone that roomed with Tobi and knew him so well, saw through it. His praise wasn't for simple admiration purposes, it was because he put Deidara on a pedestal and thought he would do no wrong. His clinginess wasn't because he liked to hang out with him, it was because he hated to be away from him. His sadness from being ignored by him wasn't because he was sad he couldn't talk to him, it was because he was terrified that Deidara would never speak to him again.

And so Zetsu kept quiet because Tobi, childish, naïve Tobi, didn't need to know of his feelings. He didn't need complications in his life; in a way it was almost fun to watch Tobi be in love with Deidara, a childish, innocent love. But today he saw the full extent, how it wasn't childish after all, it was actual love, destructive and passionate love that was killing Tobi. And that was what made him go off; whether or not Tobi would ever love him, it didn't matter as much, he told himself. He didn't want to see Tobi lose himself because of this; it wasn't worth it.

People got so wrapped up in love that they would lose themselves. If the love was lost, so were they. And Zetsu didn't want Tobi to be gone because of that, not because of someone else.

It wasn't right of him to blame Deidara; Zetsu knew that. Deidara didn't make Tobi fall in love with him, not this horrible, dangerous, almost murderous love; it wasn't Deidara's fault, he had enough on his plate. But he couldn't help but feel resentful. Why him? What makes you so special? Why not me?

Sighing, he rolled over so he was facing the wall and folded an arm under his pillow, closing his eyes and hoping for sleep.

_What began as affecting on person is now affecting four._

_**That is so fucking wonderful.**_

**Author's Notes: I don't know what to say because "I'm sorry" isn't enough for this absence… But I hope you enjoyed it! Even though it was short and had no SasoDei in it… but spring break is next week and I am fairly sure that I can get chapter eleven up. After I update 'Elastic Clause.' Ah, senior year is not relaxing at all. Thank you for reading, **_**thank you for waiting!,**_** please review!**


	11. insignificant

**.disclaimer: don't own.**

_**.chapter eleven: "insignificant".**_

* * *

><p>"<em>But when it came right down to it, the skin of my wrist looked so white and defenseless that I couldn't do it. It was as if what I wanted to kill wasn't in that skin or the thin blue pulse that jumped under my thumb, but somewhere else, deeper, more secret, and a whole lot harder to get.<em>_"_

_**-Sylvia Plath**_

* * *

><p><strong>12:20 PM, December 3<strong>

"You're okay waiting, un?"

"Yeah," Sasori nodded for the umpteenth time, pocketing his phone after hanging up with Konan and smiling halfheartedly at Deidara, "I've said this a million times. I don't mind waiting for you. It's my choice."

"You hate waiting, un."

"I don't want you to feel like you're alone."

"I don't want to waste your time."

"You're not wasting my time."

Deidara hesitated and looked up at Sasori again, frowning as though plagued with concern. Sasori smiled again and after a hesitant pause, the blonde gave a shaky smile back and entered the room, leaving Sasori outside in the waiting room by himself. He walked over to a plushy sofa and sat down on it, pulling out his tape player; he could easily hide the device in his backpack and so it would look like he was just listening to his iPod or something and Deidara would never know.

He was here today because Deidara had, surprisingly, agreed to more therapy sessions without too much of a battle. And Sasori wasn't going to make him go alone; he didn't ask Deidara if he wanted him to come along, but the fact that Deidara protested about Sasori wasting his time clearly indicated that he didn't mind having Sasori there and only worried for what Sasori thought about it. Though impatient, Sasori was genuine when he said he didn't mind waiting. If it helped Deidara to get better and to talk, Sasori would do anything, even sit and wait for a few hours.

He was slightly jealous, of course, that he wasn't the one that Deidara was talking to. But better Iruka than no one, no?

Reaching into his bag, he pressed the play button and closed his eyes.

_"They say that one person can change the world…"_

**12:22 PM, December 3**

"Are these walls soundproof?"

"You can hear what's going on outside but no one can hear what's going on inside. Sasori won't overhear anything."

"Good, un."

"You don't want him to hear?"

"If you were suicidal, depressed, and in love with the person that you're hurting the most by doing this, would you want to hear every last horrible thing that goes in your mind, un?"

"Well," Iruka shrugged, smiling slightly, "I wouldn't know."

"Take it from me," Deidara leaned forward, picking up a piece of wrapped chocolate and taking the foil off before popping it into his mouth, "You don't, un. Can I have another one?"

"Help yourself. So tell me," he raised an eyebrow in amusement as Deidara leaned forward and took the entire bowl, leaning back into the sofa, "Does talking about your feelings make you feel awkward?"

"Yeah, un."

"So why do you do it?"

Iruka noticed the blonde's hands still momentarily, but quickly the frozen moment passed and he unwrapped another chocolate from its gold foil and he shrugged, eyes downcast. "Honestly, un?"

"Honestly."

"To get danna off my back."

"So you don't want to get better?" Iruka asked, raising an eyebrow and watching the teen. One thing he learned quickly was that behavior gave everything away. Even the most experienced liars, unless actually trained, couldn't control involuntary body movements. And watching Deidara, every movement was fluid, nothing out of the ordinary, meaning no lies. That was good, Iruka decided, working with liars was difficult.

"No, un," he answered quietly, refusing to look him in the eye.

"Why not?"

Another chocolate was unwrapped and eaten. "Because I don't, un. It requires talking about my feelings and forcing myself to change how I currently view the world. It requires me wanting to live and making myself live and in this current mind frame of wanting to die, wanting to live is the very last thing I want to do. I know it's right, un. It's what I'm supposed to do as a normal human being. But honestly, I don't want to change, I don't want to live, I don't want to get better. But I don't want danna to worry anymore, so I'll play along, un."

"Until your next attempt?"

"Yeah."

Iruka gave a low 'hmm' as if contemplating this before looking up again, eyes kind but expression serious. "Why don't you even bother to think about getting better? Don't you want to make Sasori happy? Wouldn't getting better make him happy?"

The blue eyes glanced up irritably and wearily. "Thought you said this was about me, not danna."

"Why do you address him so?"

Deidara narrowed his eyes and scowled. Iruka noticed his tightened grip on the chocolate; he had crushed it and it was coming out of its wrapper, a sign that Iruka had struck a nerve within him, the first real time in both of these sessions. He crossed his legs and smiled almost sinisterly and sadistically, but Deidara was sure that was his paranoia. "Tell me."

"That's none of your business, un."

"Perhaps, but I am curious. Aren't you here to make Sasori happy?" he pressed calmly, waiting patiently.

After a long silence, Deidara sighed loudly and looked at Iruka coldly. "You're fucking lucky danna's outside, un. Otherwise I'd walk out on you right now."

"I have been quite lucky in the past," Iruka answered simply and leaned back, "Please, do talk."

"I call him danna because… I respect him," Deidara said slowly, avoiding eye contact with Iruka, knowing that looking at the serene expression would only infuriate him, "He's taught me so much and he always helps me. Not in the most patient way, but I know that no matter what I do, he would never abandon me."

"Not even now?"

"No, un."

"Do you want him to abandon you?"

Blue eyes flicked up angrily again. "Yes."

"Lying is a sin." Calm brown eyes portrayed no emotion yet Deidara felt he was being mocked.

"I don't want him to leave me, un. I don't want to be separated from him. But I don't want him to be with me because it's hurting him. Satisfied?"

"Better," Iruka nodded. He had closed his eyes momentarily and when he reopened them, he saw that Deidara was dragging his thumb nail across the opposite wrist, over where he assumed the cuts where. Judging by how hard he seemed to be pressing and the look of pain that flashed over his eyes he seemed to be using the pain to distract himself.

"We'll talk about this later," he said and to his relief, the motion stopped and Deidara seemed to instantly relax, "But tell me, what goes through your head when you're attempting to take your own life?"

Deidara sighed and looked up again, eyes still weary but no anger, just exhaustion. "You're damn lucky I'm doing this for danna, un."

**12:37 PM, December 3**

_"And frankly, that's bull, un. One person change the world? The thought is nice and some people may have done great or terrible things, no one has changed the world. Hitler didn't change _the world._ Gandhi didn't change _the world_. They've done horrible and amazing things, but no one person can change the world, because changing the world means changing every being, every human, everything about this place, un. And that's impossible."_

Sasori got up to pour himself some more coffee into his styrafoam cup, keeping the headphones on and taking the device with him and left the backpack on the couch. It was a quiet day and the receptionist wasn't the chatty type, which Sasori appreciated, so the redhead found he could listen to the tapes quietly without the fear of being disturbed. He had asked the receptionist earlier to indicate to him if Deidara came out and she had agreed (very pleasant lady, she was) so he didn't even worry about Deidara realizing he was listening to the tape.

He took a sip of his drink and made a face, picking up the creamer and adding a tiny bit, which made no difference except change the color slightly which was his attention. As an art student, one of the most difficult things about coffee was achieving the right shade, not the taste. Besides, instant coffee never tasted that good anyway.

_"Because really, think about it. What are we, un? Remember in biology when we would learn about the size of microorganisms? Or in chemistry when we learned about the size of electrons? We're like that, un. We are tiny and insignificant, not a hindrance but not a benefit. Invisible, almost, powerless and useless to the world. When one of us dies, the world keeps going, un. It doesn't stop; it doesn't care because we don't matter. The world doesn't need us, we're not important. None of us are. We can pretend and we can try, but in the end it's all the same: we don't matter."_

How depressing, Sasori thought bitterly as he sat down again when he achieved the perfect shade of brown that he felt was fitting for this occasion. He had always been the negative cynic, believing in everything that Deidara was saying on this tape. And so for this tape it wasn't the ideas that made him feel uneasy, it was more that Deidara was saying it that made him feel uneasy. It was like that for all the other tapes but it was more extreme in this case.

_"So… if you're living with that kind of a mindset… really, what purpose is there to living, un? Not to get all cliché or anything, but really. You're nothing, you're worth nothing, so why keep fighting to live when in the end we all die? Living is hard and scary, un. You go through each day, unsure of what's going to come, sometimes happy but usually stressed, nervous, depressed, overwhelmed with negative feelings, occasionally interrupted by a small dosage of joy. Living seems tedious, hard, terrifying, and ultimately worthless because what do you get out of it? Death. There's no point in living, un."_

_ The point to living is to fight for it, damnit,_ Sasori wanted to yell but realized it would be appropriate especially in a nearly empty waiting room. He sighed deeply and closed his eyes, clenching his fists. Because even though he was so cynical, so pessimistic, he still wanted to _live_. Because even though happiness came in tides and it felt that sadness was so much more common, that was part of living and of experiencing things. It was scary and unpredictable, like Deidara said, but at the same time that was the whole point of living, to fight through it, survive until the very end and to die peacefully, knowing that he didn't give up and he lived his life to the fullest extent.

_And you're a fighter. You don't just give up. Don't… don't give up on life, because that's __**not who you are.**_

**12:43 PM, December 3**

"I think about how I'm finally dying, un."

"And how does that make you feel?"

"Calm," Deidara said slowly after a momentary pause, "Serene, un. Because death is the finale. There's nothing after it; I've reached what everyone else will eventually reach by my own choice so I don't the terror of leaving before I want to, un. So when I find that I'm still alive… I'm not exactly grateful."

Iruka nodded, listening intently before posing another question. "Have you ever regretted it? Realized there was something you wanted or had to do but forgot?"

Deidara seemed to be caught off guard at the question and it took him a few minutes to answer, pondering over it thoughtfully. Finally, he laughed dryly, smiling a little as if amused. "Actually, yeah, un."

"And when was this?"

"The first time. The first serious time, un," he said slowly, smirking, "November 17. I sent a text to danna when I heard him outside the door and it was probably just a few seconds before I lost consciousness, un. Hearing him there… I didn't feel right just leaving without telling him goodbye. So I did. Which proved to be a horrible idea because he then proceeded to break my door down and bring me back to life."

"So you wish that Sasori didn't find you? That, instead, he would find your dead body later or see it being carried out on a stretcher?"

The words weren't meant to make him feel guilty but they did, nonetheless, and he cast his eyes away shamefully, furrowing his brow. "…He would get over it, un."

"But think of the pain that he would feel. The sadness, the anger, the desperation; don't you want to make him happy?"

His blonde fringe concealed his eyes and so Iruka had no idea what was going through Deidara's mind but he saw how his fists clenched and he was trembling ever so slightly. "…He would get over it, un," he mumbled, repeating what he had said. In truth he was trying to deny that Sasori would be hurt because he just wanted to get rid of himself and didn't want to think about anyone else. He was selfish and he hated it; he hated that more than anything, that he was so weak and only thought about himself so he pretend everyone else would be okay and that no one else would be affected by what he wanted to do.

Iruka sighed and frowned, folding his hands across his lap as he began to speak. "Attempts of suicide are often cries for help…"

"I'm not fucking _attempting,_" Deidara growled, narrowing his eyes as he looked up to glare at Iruka, who flinched at the sudden change in demeanor, "I'm actually trying to fucking _die_. I don't want help or attention. I just want to die but fucking asstards keep getting in my way." He didn't need someone to tell him that what he feeling wasn't _real_ and that he was some kind of an attention whore. He wanted to die, plain and simple, he didn't want help and no one understood that; _he didn't want help_ he just wanted to _die_. He had been patient with Iruka, pretending that he wasn't as annoyed as he really was, but being accused of trying to seek help instead of dying struck a chord within him.

"But," Iruka cleared his throat, wondering if he pushed Deidara too far today to make him this angry, "isn't there a reason that you're still alive?" he asked in a calm and confident voice, hoping to calm Deidara down. But judging by the guarded look that flashed across his eyes, it didn't.

"Right," a dry, bitter laugh as he stood up, "Since other people won't let me die that means that I won't because I'm living my life for them, un. Fuck that." He turned and stomped out of the room.

**12:58 PM, December 3**

_ "I didn't want to live, un. So I ended it. That's… that's all there is to it, I guess."_

The tape ended and Sasori sighed, removing his headphones and staring at the device in his hands, ears feeling odd because they were liberated from the tape. He frowned and his grip on the headphones tightened, Deidara's words ringing in his head when the door suddenly flew upon and Sasori hastily stuffed everything into his backpack, turning just in time to see Deidara cross the waiting room and take the stairs.

"Deidara!"

Iruka followed out but stopped and gave an irritated sigh before seeing Sasori, looking tired. "Sasori-san…"

"I'll call you later," Sasori muttered and took off after Deidara, swinging his backpack so that it was on one shoulder and raced down the stairs, hands barely clinging onto the railing and praying he didn't trip and tumble down. What had happened in there to make him so upset? Wasn't he actually doing so well?

"Brat," right before Deidara was about to yank the door open to leave, Sasori grabbed his other wrist, feeling the bandages beneath the sleeves around the thin, frail wrist. Deidara stopped but didn't turn around or speak and so Sasori decided to initiate the conversation. "What…"

"I didn't want to go there," Deidara interrupted him, speaking lowly, "I didn't. But you wanted me to go so I did, un. But I can't fucking stand it in there and I'm not going back. I'd do a shitload of crap for you, danna, but I cannot sit in a therapist's office. Not even for you."

He yanked his arm out of Sasori's grasp and threw the door open, Sasori hurrying after him to not lose him. Sasori, always impatient, grew annoyed and grabbed Deidara and yanked him back so that he stumbled and fell into Sasori before regaining his footing. The two stood still, acting like a rock in the river of people who glared at them for blocking their way. Deidara looked annoyed, blue eyes narrowed and hands in his pockets, but Sasori was furious, fists clenched and brown eyes almost burning holes through him.

"You can't just march out of there like that. Maybe you're used to things going your way but they won't always do that. You can't be that selfish."

"I'm not being selfish, un."

"Really? You don't think wasting Iruka's time is selfish? He's not even _charging_, he just wants to help you get better but you throw that kindness away and leave? You don't think killing yourself is selfish? Jesus Christ, Deidara, suicide is one of the most fucking selfish things you can possibly _do_! You talking to him isn't for me, you moron, it's for you!"

"And you don't understand it," Deidara nearly yelled, spinning around so that he was facing Sasori, "No one fucking understands it, all right? No matter what Iruka says, just because he's a goddamn therapist doesn't mean he _gets it,_ un. No one does. And the ones that do are _dead._ So danna, I know you care about me and I know you don't like it, but you can't _fix_ me or make me back to normal because _I don't know what normal is._ I don't know what it's like to be happy anymore, un. How do I go back to being something I don't know how to be?"

Deidara turned around and began walking again, but at a slower pace so that Sasori could walk along side with him, looking like they were friends walking together but they were actually wishing to throttle each other about the neck right now. "Then explain it to me," Sasori muttered, refusing to look at him, "Because if you… you do succeed, then I don't want to not understand it."

They stopped at a cross walk and Deidara was silent for several moments before sighing, talking in a low voice like earlier but the words were still clear to Sasori and made him shiver.

"It's like you're stuck, un. You're stuck on this tight rope. On one side is life and on the other is death and you try to fall onto one side but something's keeping you on that damn rope. I can't live because I don't know how. I can't die because I don't know how." The light turned green and they began walking, but Sasori kept his ears intent on Deidara's voice. "I don't want to hate myself, okay? This isn't some stupid phase I'm going through, un. I wouldn't wish this upon anyone. Can you even imagine hating yourself so much that you want to carve yourself open and rip out something inside of you that you hate? And you don't know what it is, you don't know what it is that you hate inside of you so much, so you don't even know how; you just know that it's inside of you and you hate it so much, un. You wake up every day and all you want to do is sleep because sleep is your opiate. When you sleep you forget everything and that is when I actually feel okay."

"So…" Sasori cleared his throat, licking his lips nervously, "You… don't want to get better?"

"Danna, everything is different with this mindset. I know that I'm supposed to want to get better, un. But I don't. I want to die and if getting better means living, then I don't want it. I don't want to talk things out because there's no point; I don't want to solve my problems and learn to be happy again, un. Some people do but they have to realize that themselves. No one that successfully recovers was forced into it; you have to _want_ to go through it and even then some relapse because it's hard, un."

They turned and they were on the street that Deidara's apartment complex was on when he began speaking again. "The thing about therapists… is that they try to put all of us fuck ups into a box."

"You're not a fuck up," Sasori mumbled to which Deidara laughed lightly.

"Thanks, un. But they do. They believe that we're all sad for the same reasons, that the way to make us happy again is the same way. They believe that suicide attempts are a cry for help. Which they are, un. But there's a difference between a suicide attempt and just a failed suicide attempt. Iruka thinks I attempt suicide. I don't. I just fail them, un. A suicide attempt means you don't deliberately try to fucking die, okay?" Sasori noticed that Deidara was getting angry again, judging by his swearing and his tone as they headed up the stairs towards his apartment. "It means you do something that makes you almost die but really what you want is attention and you're asking someone to help you so you don't really try to die. But I actually try to die. A suicide attempt is me cutting. A failed suicide attempt is what you saw. A suicide attempt is standing on the edge of a building with a crowd of spectators. A failed suicide attempt is actually trying to jump when no one is around to stop you. A suicide attempt is taking a shitload of pills and calling the police. A failed suicide attempt is taking a shitload of pills with alcohol and laying on your bed waiting to die."

They reached Deidara's floor and walked through the door, stopping in front of his room where Deidara's hand rested on top of the door knob, already unlocked. He turned to face Sasori, a cold, bitter smirk dangling on his thin, pale lips.

"Danna, most people who want to die actually do die. You can't stop someone who wants to die. That's the truth, un. And I'm sorry but if I want to die I _will_. I may look up to you but you are no superhero or God; one day you won't find me in time." The words came out without anticipation; harsh words that cut at Sasori. Deidara regretted them immediately, seeing Sasori's face but it couldn't be helped. He wanted to understand and the truth was harsh and bitter. "…You should go home and rest," he muttered and opened the door, entering before Sasori had a chance to say anything to stop him.

He took off his shoes and sighed, bringing a hand up to his face and pushing his hair out of his way, wondering what he was going to do the rest of the day. Now that he couldn't exactly hang out with Sasori the only person he was willing to see, his day was pretty empty. And since he didn't exactly plan on graduating he really didn't need to do his school work…

"Promise me," he heard a weary voice suddenly through the door, realizing Sasori hadn't left, and he couldn't help but listen, feeling his heart ache because Sasori sounded pained because of him, "Promise me… you'll be alive tomorrow. That I'll see you tomorrow. You can still be mad and you can throw whatever you want at me, but just, God, please, open the door tomorrow when I come. I just need to see you alive. Because, Deidara, you being alive is all I think about."

After a few moments, Sasori left, leaving Deidara alone in his apartment, smiling sadly and heading towards the bathroom. He would honor Sasori's plea just because it was the least he could do after what he said to him today. Those thoughts were meant to stay as thoughts, they weren't light things that he wanted to tell people because he knew what they did to one's mind and he didn't want anyone to go through that mental anguish.

_Jesus Christ, Deidara, suicide is one of the most fucking selfish things you can possibly do!_

_ Maybe,_ Deidara thought, opening the cabinet and searching for something, _but keeping me alive is selfish too, wouldn't you say?_ Sasori's reasons for keeping Deidara alive were just as selfish as Deidara's reasons for wanting to kill himself. Deidara wanted to kill himself because he couldn't stand himself and because there was nothing worth living for; a favor to himself, if you would. And Sasori wanted him alive because he couldn't bear to see Deidara gone; it was for his own sake because he didn't want that pain of losing him. Which was understandable but it wasn't as if it was a selfless plea because keeping a suicidal person alive was probably the worst thing one could do.

He had promised him he would be alive and that was it, the blonde mused when he found what he was looking for. Deidara smirked and unwrapped a razor from a few tissues and picked it up, holding it up to the light, watching how the sharp edge glinted. Everything he did was an art, he liked to believe. Born an artist, everything he did was artistic with no exception. Art was his passion, his creative outlet, and he couldn't help but let it influence everything.

_He can paint a lovely picture._

Bringing the blade down, he ripped the bandages off of the mostly healed cuts, eyes scanning his battlefield, the scars exemplifying failure instead of victory. He looked for a smooth area, but saw very few and he scowled. He cut over old cuts, but he tended to avoid it because it made it look so messy. He found it odd that he now cut more often on his arms, but he realized it was because he had bandages over them anyway and people wouldn't question why his bandages were still on. Because, really, you didn't ask someone that, knowing the cuts were from a failed suicide attempt.

_But this story has a twist._

The first cut always hurt the most, especially as he felt old cuts being opened. They weren't completely healed and as he cut through them, the opened horizontally and began to ooze blood. He winced at the pain, feeling his breath hitch momentarily. The pain took over and he closed his eyes for a moment and when he reopened them, his vision was blurry and he smiled. It was so reminiscent to his suicide attempts, but this time was different. He promised Sasori he wouldn't die. But he didn't promise he wouldn't hurt himself.

_His paintbrush is a razor…_

Another cut, and another, and another, and another. Soon his arms were messy and bloody, jagged cuts crossing over old ones, old scars opening, new ones forming. He put the blade down and used the hand to clutch at the counter, steadying himself. He heard the bathroom door be creaked open and he looked up, laughing weakly. "Damn, I really should make sure my apartment's locked, huh?"

"Oh God…"

He rested his forehead against his arm and felt the person rummage around for a towel, taking the bloody arm gently and pressing the towel against it. Deidara breathed deeply, trying to stay conscious, but the world was spinning even though his eyes were closed. The person's hands felt warm against his cold skin; he felt dead in every possible way and he wondered if the person felt his cold skin like he did.

"Why… why are you here?"

"Better question is why did you do this again?"

Deidara let out a dry bitter laugh. With much effort, he looked up, blue eyes through the blonde fringe, sickly smile on the pale lips as he looked at the wide eyes and worried expression. "I'm trying to kill something in me, un. The part of me that hates life, that makes danna sad, that hurts everyone around me. That's who I truly want dead. All I regret is that you have to see me like this."

_And his canvas is his wrist._

**Author's Notes: The quote in italics (broken up) is from Amy Efaw's **_**After.**_** I changed the pronoun so that it would be applicable to Deidara. The chapters are getting shorter but the bright side in that is that updates are more frequent! I hope you enjoyed this chapter, please review! **


	12. opportunistic

**.disclaimer: don't own.**

_**.chapter twelve: opportunistic.**_

* * *

><p>"<em>Usually we walk around constantly believing ourselves. "I'm okay" we say. "I'm alright". But sometimes the truth arrives on you and you can't get it off. That's when you realize that sometimes it isn't even an answer—it's a question. Even now, I wonder how much of my life is convinced.<em>_"_

_**-Markus Zusak**_

* * *

><p><strong>5:27 PM, December 3<strong>

"Tobi, you don't have to stay, un."

"Oh no, senpai! Tobi wants to!" Tobi answered quickly, too quickly, as he continued bustling around Deidara's kitchen, checking the tea kettle if the water was close to boiling yet and looking what he could make. It had been about an hour and a half since Tobi found him and, though still lightheaded, Deidara was fine. In fact, he would've preferred to be alone, but he knew Tobi wouldn't leave unless he physically knocked him unconscious and left his limp body outside.

Deidara always knew Tobi had a fear of blood, feeling faint and usually puking or passing out when he saw it in excess. And he was amazed that Tobi managed to keep it together until he finished helping (or attempting to help) the bandaging before he ran into the bathroom and hurled into the toilet, leaving Deidara to take care of him for a bit.

But now the blonde was on the couch after switching into a short sleeved shirt (he actually ran out of long sleeve ones—depressingly humorous) and flipping through the channels of his television. After a few changes, he remembered just how boring television was and why the thing was so seldom used. Turning around he saw that Tobi had given up, realizing Deidara had absolutely nothing to eat, and was now flipping through the various take out menus Deidara had accumulated.

"Tobi, you don't need to, un. I'm not hungry."

"But senpai-!"

"Not hungry, un."

"Senpai, you have nothing in your kitchen! I don't know how you've been surviving without food, un!"

The blonde gave a half hearted smirk at Tobi's fussing. "Danna drags me out for food, un. I'm fine." It was only after the words left his lips that he realized the impact when he saw Tobi pause and sadden, eyes downcast and smiling softly. Immediately, he regretted what he said but didn't open his mouth to take it back. There was no use in pretending that he didn't spend most of his time with Sasori anyway.

"I'm glad," Tobi said softly, suddenly surprising Deidara, "That… that Sasori-san is spending time with you, senpai. You know, to be honest, for a while I was getting angry at Sasori-san because I thought he wasn't doing a good job being your friend. But… yeah. Sasori-san is helping senpai in his own way. That… makes Tobi happy."

The blue eyes blinked a few times and he laughed lightly, bringing a hand up to his face. "You're that in love with me, huh?" he asked softly, almost rhetorically. Tobi heard and hesitated before grinning sheepishly and nodding. Deidara sighed again and looked up at him with weary eyes, almost apologetically. "I'm very sorry that you have to waste everything on someone like me, un."

It was strangely calming but also foreign to realize that Tobi was genuinely in love with him. Tobi didn't love him, he was _in_ love and that made all the difference in the world. And knowing that someone could have such strong feelings for him calmed him, it almost gave him hope; somewhere in his twisted mind he hoped that someone would see through everything and bring out the best in him. And here was someone that did see through everything negative about him, but this wasn't the person that brought out the best.

Because when he was around Tobi, he felt this guilt. While he was never in love with Tobi, he supposed that he did love Tobi in one way or another, as the little brother that Deidara had unknowingly adopted by accident and had grown attached to. He had silently promised Tobi that he would always try to do anything he could to protect him and make him happy. And now he had the chance, in a way that he could never do it. Tobi was annoying as hell but he was still kind and genuine, the type of person that loved with his whole heart and deserved to be loved back equally. And Deidara couldn't fulfill that and he was hurting the most innocent person he knew and that hurt him.

After a few moments of silence, Tobi picked up the phone again and Deidara returned to flipping through the channels. The apartment was silent except for the sounds of a television changing channels rapidly and the flipping of papers that Tobi was doing to find a menu from a place that either didn't look too sketchy or wasn't closed. In fact, it was almost a comfortable silence, one where words weren't needed. The kind that Deidara hated to break with words but the gnawing feeling wouldn't leave the silence be.

"Tobi, un."

"Yes, senpai?" Tobi chirped immediately and Deidara sighed, giving him a side glance that was one of his most intense glares.

"Today. What happened," he paused and glanced at his bandaged arm before looking back at Tobi, eyes darkening, "Don't tell danna, un." He knew it was unfair to make this request of Tobi; he imagined how he would feel if Sasori had cut himself so severely and told Deidara to not tell anyone, to not get him any help. In fact, that thought made his blood run cold.

At this, Tobi stiffened because, although he didn't exactly _like_ Sasori, he had planned on telling him because this was important. This was something serious. And Sasori was the closest person that was able to help him and he would have to know. He loved Deidara and didn't like Sasori, but all feelings aside, all that mattered was that his senpai would stay alive and the best chance for that to happen was for Sasori to know everything.

"But…"

"Do not tell him or I will never forgive you, un."

The Uchiha flinched and saw Deidara's grip on the remote tighten, the glare intensifying. Nervously he looked down and played with his fingers, chewing on his bottom lip and feeling torn. Was he supposed to stay loyal to his senpai or betray him and tattle? Except, he reprimanded himself, this wasn't tattling because this wasn't a petty issue. This was serious and literally someone's life was at stake. "…Why?"

"Danna made me promise not to kill myself tonight," Deidara answered bluntly with no hesitation, smirking slightly, "If he knows about this, he'll assume I tried, un. I don't want him to think that."

"You… you weren't…"

"Nah," Deidara spoke casually, shrugging, "I wasn't aiming to die, un." Tobi felt relieved at this and exhaled a breath he didn't know he was holding.

"But… wouldn't Sasori-san trust you?" Tobi asked, looking up, "I-I think Sasori-san knows that if he asked you to… stay alive you would."

"I know he used to trust me that much, un. But after I failed the first time and then tried again and failed again with him right next to me, I don't think he thinks highly of my mental capabilities to keep myself alive," Deidara laughed lightly at the end, sending chills down Tobi's spine because he spoke so lightly of life and death, unaware that the two people he spoke about it most with died on the inside every time.

"I think you should give Sasori-san more credit," Tobi said softly, eyes downcast again (he hated talking about Sasori with Deidara because that was usually the only time that Deidara ever looked content or something close to it), "It's… not easy for him too…"

"I know," Deidara sighed, sounding bored with the subject as he changed the channel again, "It isn't exactly easy for me either, un. Speaking of which, you talk about danna a lot," he glanced over at Tobi and the Uchiha flushed guiltily, jumping, "Do you have some obsession with him like I do?"

_Yes._ "No, of course not, senpai! It's just… it's just that Sasori-san is the most important person to you and… and Tobi wishes you two to maintain that strong bond because that's what you need right now."

Those words caught his attention and Deidara set down the remote, turning to look at Tobi. He then realized just how selfless this kid really was; he had several opportunities in the past to make some kind of a move or sabotage his relationship with Sasori by telling him of his feelings. But he hadn't—all because he knew Deidara was so madly in love with him and wanted to keep him by his side that he pushed aside his own feelings. Even now, knowing that Deidara had rejected him, Tobi kept talking about Sasori because he knew that Sasori was the most important to him and he never had a chance.

"You're a good person, un," Deidara said softly, smiling the first time genuinely and Tobi couldn't help but feel his heart flutter when he saw it and blush, "You really are. I'm sorry I can't make you happy, un. You deserve to be."

"…Thank you, senpai," Tobi laughed slightly, the pink blush tinging his cheeks and he scratched the back of his head awkwardly.

"No," Deidara shook his head, still smiling, feeling so grateful for all the kind people he had around him, "Thank _you_."

**5:48 PM, December 3**

_Food. Our friendship is built on food. This will work._

When Sasori left Deidara's, he had, essentially, begged him to be alive tomorrow morning when Sasori would come again. But after going home and trying to do his work, he realized he couldn't concentrate; he was too scared to leave Deidara in any mood other than content because the last time Deidara went home upset…

He shook his head firmly and left his apartment, locking the door behind him. He had to push that out of his mind; it had happened and now it was over. He was getting _better,_ Sasori tried to assure himself but he knew it wasn't true. Deidara wasn't getting better. If anything he was spiraling downwards even faster and Sasori felt helpless, knowing this was happening but unable to do anything. And he was trying everything he knew to do; he tried to drag him to therapy, he tried to spend time with him, he tried to make it clear that he would always listen if Deidara wanted to talk.

But they all failed. Deidara didn't want to go to therapy, he wore this mask when they spent time together, and Deidara clearly didn't want to talk. That damn mask, Sasori cursed as he took the stairs instead of the elevator, a habit he picked up because he was with Deidara so much, that stupid mask that was so perfectly used that Sasori could barely detect it. When Deidara smiled he never knew if it was genuine anymore and had to really scrutinize it. Deidara put on a very convincing show, seemingly fine but dying on the inside. But instead of expressing it, he kept it quiet; he had used this mask for so long, several years at least.

And that night on November 17, the mask broke and everything came flooding out. But then he picked up the fragments of the mask and carefully, meticulously glued them back together and put the mask back on, intending on resuming the cycle again. But Sasori wasn't going to stand by and be fooled by the smiles this time; he was going to break that mask. He wanted to see who was really there, who Deidara really was when he was alone. What he thought, what he did and, most importantly, _why._

Everyone had a mask; no one showed who he really was all the time. Sasori was accustomed to this himself, pretending to be fine at school and pleasant most of the time. But then when he returned home, he was a mess, stressed out from school and his grandmother, wanting to do something drastic but never getting to that point. In fact, Deidara was the one that always stopped him. Somehow, in his most desperate times, Deidara always showed up without warning at his apartment and sat with Sasori until he was all right again, being kind, patient, and understanding, everything Sasori needed to be right now.

In fact, he couldn't understand it.

The only person that was good at consoling was the one that needed the consoling. The only person that was terrible at consoling was the one that had to do the consoling. Bitterly ironic and extremely depressing; that's how life was.

The thing with Deidara's mask was that it almost became part of him, a shield that he used. But like any shield, it could be taken off, Sasori reasoned, and he would take it off. Whether or not he wanted to, Sasori would force it off him because that would be the first step towards recovery. He remembered when he first snuck Deidara out of the hospital, how he had claimed that there was nothing wrong with him. He wished he could go back to that time; now he realized there was something very deeply wrong, something so deeply ingrained that it would be hard to get rid of without getting rid of part of Deidara himself. But he would do it, remove the poison seed taking away his best friend.

A small part in his head urged him not to, to leave Deidara be and let him disappear because that was wanted, that would make him happy.

_You have no right to stand in the way of his happiness._

But he ignored it; he felt horrible but his selfish desire to keep Deidara alive overpowered that. Maybe Deidara wanted himself gone but Sasori couldn't imagine living without him.

_But what would you prefer? For him to die and be happy or live with him as an empty shell?_

He urged himself to shut up, thinking did terrible things to one; thinking had nearly destroyed Deidara.

Things would get better, he promised himself, realizing he had reached his destination and entered, they always did.

_Things will always be okay in the end._

_ If they aren't okay, then it's not the end._

**6:17 PM, December 3**

_"Agh!_"

"Tobi, if you can't handle this, you should go home, un. These cuts bleed a lot. I'm going to be changing bandages a lot these next few hours."

"But Tobi wants to help… oh my _goodness,_ senpai, how can you stand… oh my _God_!"

Deidara's blue eyes flicked up and smirked, seeing Tobi squirming, watching Deidara wrap new bandages around his arms, the old ones discarded in a nearby trash can. Tobi had been very adamant about helping at first and even now the roll of bandages that he was helping to unroll was by him. But it turns out that was all he could do; by the time Deidara got his old bandages off and had the new ones ready, Tobi's tolerance for seeing blood was up. And when Deidara began dabbing antiseptic on the cuts… well, Tobi passed out a few times.

"Doesn't… doesn't it hurt, senpai?"

"That's the point, moron, un."

Tobi watched Deidara wrap the bandages clumsily, tight enough to stay on but still loose, yet Tobi couldn't bring himself to help because he couldn't get any closer. He had never been good with blood; he thought he could tolerate it to help Deidara but the fear was paralyzing and nauseating. It was taking him everything he had to sit there and not pass out.

"Sasori… Sasori-san…" Tobi cleared his throat as Deidara glanced up at the mention of Sasori, "Does he…"

"He certainly doesn't react the way you do," the blonde answered easily, "He gets freaked out, obviously, but he can stand the blood, un. I think."

"Do you want…"

"No and shut up, un." Deidara glared at Tobi, effectively silencing him, and stood up, walking around the couch, appearing to be heading towards the kitchen. Instinctively, Tobi stood up and followed him, his heart pounding.

Seeing Deidara vulnerable at that moment made _him_ want to die; seeing his senpai smile through the pain and the blood gave him an uneasy feeling, making him feel utterly powerless and weak because he couldn't ease the pain; no one could except Deidara and he wouldn't listen to anyone except Sasori. Saying Sasori's name almost physically pained Tobi. He saw the way Deidara seemed more alert at the mention, happier when talking about him, more _alive_ whenever Sasori was there or even mentioned. And what was Tobi? He was just some kind of an accessory in this play where Deidara and Sasori were the main characters, not important enough to be a supporting character, but acknowledged enough to be on stage.

"Senpai," the words spilled out as he grabbed Deidara's upper arm and the blonde, surprised and couldn't react in time, was pressed against the wall, "don't kill me."

He just wanted one moment where Sasori was out of the picture. He could insist that everything was for Deidara's wellbeing and it was. But Tobi wasn't a perfect being; he wanted to be acknowledged and appreciated. For just one moment, one fleeting moment like Deidara's art, he wanted Deidara to concentrate solely on him, knowing that if Deidara smiled it wasn't because of Sasori, if he actually enjoyed being alive, it was because of Tobi.

It wouldn't be permanent, only temporary, for such a short span of time that its existence could be argued. But it would have _happened_ and that's all Tobi could really ask for.

So when he leaned down and kissed Deidara, he was thinking that, trying to create a moment where it was just him and Deidara and no one else mattered. He felt Deidara tense up but ignored it, keeping his eyes closed and lips pressed to the other's. He thought that this should make him happy; it was just him and Deidara. But something was empty; there was something missing…

"Er… sorry?"

Tobi moved to pull away but before he could, Deidara's hand came out of nowhere and pushed him away; not a frantic, brutal shove but still a forceful enough one that conveyed the message. _Don't let danna see you do that to me._

Turning towards the door, they saw Sasori standing there, one hand holding a brown paper bag and other hand holding the spare key Deidara had given him years ago, rediscovered recently. His expression was unreadable to Deidara, who wasn't sure if he was disgusted or amused, but Tobi saw right through that mask and almost felt terrified, knowing Sasori was probably so angry at him. But even more than that, he was probably heartbroken, a feeling that Tobi was all too familiar with and didn't wish upon anyone else, cursing himself for making Sasori feel that way.

"I didn't know if you had anything to eat so…" he took a tentative step forward, placing the paper bag on a table that Deidara usually used to toss his mail onto, and shrugged, "I brought you dinner. But…"

"Tobi has to go," the Uchiha interrupted him and, avoiding eye contact with both of them, grabbed his coat and rushed out of the door. The moment Deidara pushed him away he made it clear that it would never be just the two of them. That instant reflex meant that, to Deidara, Sasori was always the most important and would be, even when he wasn't mentioned or there, he was always being thought about. That reflex was already preplanned, expecting to be executed, just in case he appeared.

Tobi stood no chance against Sasori.

He didn't belong there, physically or mentally. He never did and he never would.

**6:34 PM, December 3**

"I'll…"

"No," Deidara spoke before Sasori even finished uttering his first word and the brown eyes looked up in surprise, seeing Deidara flash a nervous smile and fidget, something unusual for him, "You bought dinner, un. You should eat it with me."

The blonde hesitated before heading towards the kitchen and Sasori followed him quietly. Deidara picked up the brown bag and set it on the island in his kitchen, reaching in and taking out all the containers, recognizing the smell of each one, realizing Sasori got everything that was his favorite. He smiled slightly at that and Sasori understood. He turned around and took out two bowls and two pairs of chopsticks, handing a set to Sasori who took it quietly and had opened all the containers.

It was again like most of their time together: silent but not comfortable, filled with words that they were scared to utter but they were questions that they would reveal answers they were dying for. Sasori took a piece of orange chicken from the container and chewed on it slowly, the tangy taste almost overwhelming for his taste buds. Deidara piled nearly half of the container of noodles in his bowl and was eating it voraciously, like he had been starved.

"So what was it like? To kiss a friend," Sasori asked, as if initiating a normal conversation over dinner. Deidara hesitated and Sasori took another piece of chicken to try to act normal, waiting patiently, masking his impatience for once. He wanted to know why Deidara let Tobi kiss him, why he didn't push him away. Was Tobi the one he was in love with? The question crossed Sasori's mind suddenly and he felt cold.

"Nothing, un," Deidara finally answered, swallowing a bite of noodles before continuing, smiling almost, "Literally nothing. Kind of uncomfortable, un. Way too close. Too warm. Didn't like it."

"So why did you let him?" Sasori didn't mean for it to sound accusatory but, really, there was no other tone that he could have asked the question in. He pretended he wasn't eager to know and prayed that Deidara didn't notice his hands shaking as he anticipated the answer. But he appreciated the honesty in Deidara's voice; he was very good at telling when he was lying and he definitely wasn't. Deidara's eyes darted around nervously when he lied, especially to Sasori. Though his eyes were downcast, they were focused and not moving around.

"Because… because he's a friend," Deidara answered slowly, keeping his eyes downcast, "I figured there's no harm in letting him because I wouldn't be giving him the wrong impression since he knows I'm not in love with him, un. And because pushing him away would undoubtedly just cause him more embarrassment and shame. Doesn't matter how uncomfortable it is. It only matters that as few people as possible are hurt because he's a friend, un."

Sasori nodded, indicating that he felt Deidara's answer made sense. But at the same time he wondered how and if the answer would change if Deidara knew that seeing that hurt Sasori more than he could imagine, an image forever burned in his mind.

"You're that curious what it's like to kiss a friend, un?"

Sasori looked up in surprise, seeing a half smile on Deidara's face, eyes flickering with amusement. The redhead almost felt silly for asking it and coughed, not able to help the blush spreading across his cheeks as he looked away bashfully. "…Yeah. I've never kissed a friend. Just…"

"Hook ups," Deidara laughed, shaking his head, "That's why your relationships never lasted, un. You have to become friends first."

"Well, I wasn't looking for a lasting relationship…" _Because there was always you._ "Besides, it's not like yours lasted that long."

"Longer than yours, un. But they always ended because, well, they didn't work out." _Because there was always you._ "But anyway, you're that curious to know what it's like to kiss a friend?"

Deidara was always an opportunist. He always seized whatever chance he had because he believed that was the only way he would get further in life. Yet, around Sasori, he held back. He had so many occasions to tell him how he felt, so many opportunities to grab him and kiss him. Every minute they spent together was an opportunity for Deidara, especially when they just elapsed into silence, a comfortable silence that was only possible between the two of them. It was serene and calming, the perfect opportunity.

But he had always held back. Deidara never minded risks; he would go to any length for anything, everything except _this._ He loved Sasori more than anything, but he wouldn't dare risk their friendship for anything. He wanted to be with him and to let him know, but the idea of Sasori being repulsed and distancing himself was a paralyzing fear, one so strong that fearless Deidara trembled at the thought, locked his lips and threw away the key.

But times were different. Everything was different, finally breaking on that fateful night, _That Night._ Things were changing and everything was spiraling out of control. Deidara didn't have a bucket list but he did have one thing he wanted to do; not something he wanted to say, something to confess, something for Sasori to know. But there was one thing he absolutely _had_ to do, even if it meant running to Sasori's apartment with wrists bleeding, stomach full of alcohol and drugs, gun in his hand, _whatever._

But here was the opportunity, one where Sasori wouldn't be permanently scarred for life.

He put his hands on the island and used them to support himself as he leaned over, ignoring the feeling of his cuts being stretched open on his left arm. It was quick and he gave no time for Sasori to react or pull away before he kissed him. It was a gentle, ticklish brush of the lips at first and Deidara pulled back just the tiniest, as if seeing what Sasori would do. In that millisecond when the redhead didn't move away, the blonde felt more daring and leaned in, pressing more than he had before.

All that time when Sasori had been randomly casually dating other people, Deidara always found himself wondering what it would be like to kiss him. He had kissed his fair share of people, some eliciting a stronger reaction than others, some more slobbery than others, but this was different. This felt _real_ and so dangerously _good_ that it was _terrifying._ This was so innocent, just two pairs of lips making contact. No hands roaming bodies, no clutching of the hair, no panting, no tongues; the most innocent of kisses and yet it was the best one Deidara ever experienced. He would've done anything to reach up and tangle his fingers into Sasori's fiery red hair and deepen the kiss, but knew not to and pulled back, taking away any possible temptation.

He was slightly breathless, and realized he had been holding his breath and looking at Sasori, he saw that he was actually blushing slightly and looked caught off guard. Deidara had mentally made a promise to himself that second before the kiss: if Sasori rejected him, if he made any kind of indication that he didn't like it, Deidara would end his life tonight, the minute Sasori left. But judging by his reaction, that wasn't the case; he looked normal, amused, maybe, even. In a way Deidara was disappointed. It seemed that if he had a reason for dying it would be better, and once again, the reason fell through.

Deidara opened his mouth to say "that's what it feels like" in regard to Sasori's earlier question that was all but forgotten now, but found he couldn't. Because that wasn't what kissing a friend felt like; that was what kissing the love of his life felt like. And he couldn't lie to Sasori; he knew he couldn't, Sasori knew he couldn't. So he swallowed and kept his mouth closed, hoping Sasori wouldn't walk out on him. Silence was either unnerving or comfortable, never a happy medium between the two extremes. And this silence was unnerving to the max.

"You…"

Deidara looked up and when he saw Sasori's keen brown eyes focusing on his bandaged arm, he immediately stopped breathing again. He couldn't believe he actually forgot to try to hide it—_damnit._ Eyes downcast, he prepared for some lecture or disappointment because that's what he was used to anyway. The kiss was secondary now, as Deidara tried to hide his arm behind his back, trying to convey that he didn't want to be lectured, didn't want to talk about it. But before he could, Sasori was on his side of the island.

"…Suck at bandaging," Sasori finished and took Deidara's arm softly. The blonde stayed quiet but stared at the redhead in awe as he gently undid the bandages, unwrapping them slowly and carefully. He fixed the gauze before rebandaging the arm, now looking much neater and much tighter than before. No words were exchanged during this; Deidara liked that Sasori was fixing him, cleaning up after his own messes. It was something he certainly couldn't get used to but he enjoyed the moment, regardless. His hands were surprisingly soft and fingers expectedly nimble, work ethic surprisingly patient.

"…Thanks, un," Deidara muttered. He opened his mouth to try to tell Sasori that this wasn't suicide, but no words came out. Somehow he didn't have the energy to defend himself, feeling that it would be completely useless. But somehow Sasori sensed it, because when Deidara looked up, he was smiling lopsidedly.

"You'd never break a promise," he said lowly, as if reading Deidara's mind and answering him, "Things have changed. But that will never change about you."

The word 'kiss' was never mentioned but it hung between them, but their actions indicated that nothing had changed, disappointing and relieving at the same time. Deidara wanted to ask Sasori what he thought of it, if he thought anything of it. But he was so scared of the answer; maybe Sasori was actually repulsed but didn't want to show it, knowing Deidara's fragile psych. And even though Deidara would not want that, it would make him feel terrible that Sasori was forcing him to be by his side, at the same time, he craved Sasori's company, so much that he would even live a lie to have him be with him.

But looking up at him, he wasn't forcing himself. There was nothing except genuine kindness on Sasori's face; he was accepting him and he wasn't going to leave nor force himself to stay.

Finishing the bandaging, Sasori gently let go of Deidara's arm and instantly the blonde missed the warmth that Sasori's hands had provided. He wanted to say something, anything, but didn't know what and opened his mouth, letting the words tumble out.

"I'm not in love with him, un," Deidara muttered, not finding the courage to look Sasori in the eye as he said this. Not that he would care, but Deidara still wanted him to know; he didn't want to die with Sasori having the wrong impression. He didn't need to indicate who 'him' was; he knew that Sasori would know. And somehow it seemed like the right thing to say after that kiss.

He didn't hear anything but when he looked up, Sasori was looking at him so softly and smiling so gently that he wanted to cry.

"Good."

**Author's Notes: Okay so even though I really like this chapter because they finally kissed, I'm also annoyed with myself because I have now successfully delayed the completion of this story by one or two chapters. But it's all good. I like writing this story. I hope you enjoyed this chapter!**


	13. monster

**.disclaimer: don't own.**

**.i like to play around with time shifts in this story; that's why breaks are indicated with a date and time. lots of jumping back and forth; italics will indicate the past in most cases.**

_**.chapter thirteen: "monster".**_

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><p><em>Looking back, I stopped writing in my notebook when I stopped wanting to know myself anymore. If you hear a song that makes you cry and you don't want to cry anymore, you don't listen to that song anymore. But you can't get away from yourself. You can't decide not see yourself anymore. You can't decide to turn off the noise in your head.<em>

_**-Jay Asher**_

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><p><strong>7:37 PM, December 3<strong>

By the time Tobi returned to his dorm, he was much calmer. He had even brushed away the tears and splashed enough cold water on his face that it didn't look like he had been crying. He was used to feeling like this, knowing that Sasori and Deidara would never be separated, so he chastised himself for still being so affected by it.

_But you can't help it. You're in love with him._

_ Well, some things aren't meant to be, now are they?_

He sighed and put a hand on the door knob, counting backwards from ten. He knew Zetsu was in there; within the time it took him to leave Deidara's and come back to his dorm, he went from heartbreakee to heartbreaker. Neither was a position that was comfortable to be in. Why couldn't pairs of people fall in love, he wondered, why would there always be a third person, someone left out, someone sad? It wasn't fair, he thought bitterly, if he could, he'd never fall in love with Deidara. Keep things simple.

But that wasn't how the world worked and he knew that, smiling sadly as he opened the door. He hoped to sneak in quietly, maybe Zetsu was sleeping, but his silent entrance was made a ruckus when he took a step in and knocked over a pile of books on the table by the door.

"Er…" Tobi hesitated, grinning forcefully when Zetsu glanced up at him from reading a magazine, "Hi, Zetsu-san!"

"Hn." A cold response and the green haired male looked down again.

Tobi fidgeted. Things hadn't been the same since that day and he missed the times where Zetsu would lecture him about being clumsy. He chewed his lip, trying to think of something to say. "You… your sheets look lovely."

"…That's the lamest way to reject someone ever. **Dimwit.**"

A small smile made its way to Tobi's lips as he walked over to his bed and crawled onto it. Things definitely weren't the same but he had the hope that one day it might appear to be the same again. Maybe Zetsu's feelings would diminish. Maybe Tobi's feelings would change. Something might happen, something that would lead to both of them finding their happiness, and Tobi hoped that it would come soon.

"Zetsu-san?"

"What?"

"…Thanks."

Zetsu glanced up, smirking tiredly as he saw Tobi drift off to sleep.

"It's not something I can control."

**10:47 AM, December 11**

"_It's not that I don't like water," Sasori said, turning around and leaning against the railing of the bridge so he didn't have to look at the river beneath them, watching their fellow high schoolers walk past them, "It's just that I fell into a river as a child, nearly died, got sent to the hospital and stayed there for a week, and now hate water."_

_ Deidara laughed. "Danna, I'll make you like the water one day, un."_

He remembered that conversation, clear as day, even smiling slightly as he climbed over the railing and balanced precariously on the edge. It was a weekend before noon and so most people were either sleeping or out eating lunch; convenient for Deidara because he wanted his privacy. More than a week had passed since the kiss and nothing major had happened, just regular activities like occasionally hanging out with Sasori and another therapy appointment.

The conversation had taken place when they were in high school, in junior year, to be precise. They had been walking home along a different route that day and Deidara stopped on a bridge to peer over the edge into the clear water rushing below them. He noticed that Sasori wasn't looking down and he had asked why, and the redhead prompted him with that answer.

It was also something he made sure to remember, knowing that Sasori was deathly afraid of water and if Deidara drowned himself, well, Sasori would be too scared to jump in after him. He just needed some kind of method that would cause Sasori the least pain, though he realized that no matter what method he chose, just his death would cause his best friend an unbearable amount of pain. His mind flicked back to that day when Sasori told him about his mother and a wave of guilt flooded him; was it really fair to take his own life, being the second person that was so close to him to leave Sasori like that? He said he never forgot his mother, that the pain of a loved one committing suicide never faded. But Deidara reasoned it would be different for him because, after all, he was just a friend, not a loved one.

But he wasn't sure if that was some excuse or the truth.

Sighing, he leaned against the railing and looked up. He was shrouded by a few branches and leaves; if someone looked close enough, he would see him but Deidara highly doubted anyone would be closely inspecting trees and especially this usually empty bridge. His fingers relaxed and tightened against the railing, feet balancing carefully, in no hurry. He didn't want to die so quickly; he wanted a few moments to reflect first.

His last therapy session, _the_ last therapy session, was quite a shock for Iruka when Deidara wandered in. He had already planned his death by that time and figured he owed it to Sasori to just go one last time, deciding he could sit through it, knowing it would be the last time. And since it was the last time, Deidara decided to allow Iruka to ask him about the one sore subject that he would never willingly talk about otherwise: Sasori.

_"So you're in love with Sasori."_

_ "Yeah, un."_

_ Iruka, initially shocked and gaping when Deidara walked in and sat down on the couch across from him, had regained his composure and now looked like the Iruka Deidara had been seeing for the past couple times before his dramatic exit. The brown haired male had glanced at the door and Deidara, knowing what he was asking, told him that, no, Sasori was not there and he had come on his own accord, to which Iruka seemed pleasantly surprised at. The smile that Deidara returned was forced; Iruka thought he had come because he wanted to get better when the truth was quite literally the opposite._

_ "Why?"_

The question had caught Deidara off guard even though he was expecting it. He had been trying to come up with an answer the night before, knowing Iruka would undoubtedly ask him that question. But he still hadn't figured out an answer and so he walked into the room unprepared. He had taken a few minutes to answer, trying to come up with a last minute response, fumbling around in his mind.

_"I think that if you have a reason for having feelings for someone, then it's a crush, un. You like someone for his looks, his wit, his wealth, whatever. You love someone for who he is. I love danna, un. There's no one reason. If he lost an arm, I'd still love him. If he got amnesia, I'd still love him. If he lost his face, I'd still love him. I don't have a reason. I just do."_

_ "There's a difference between loving someone and being in love with him," Iruka nodded to Deidara's answer, smiling softly, "Have you ever considered that?"_

_ Deidara smirked. "I am definitely in love with danna, un. There's no doubt in my mind about that."_

There was a different between "I love you" and "I'm in love with you," one that Deidara was very clear about. He loved family and close friends; he was in love with only one. He loved those he didn't want to spend his life without, those that were important to him, those that made life bearable. He was in love with the one that he couldn't live without, the one that was more important to him than his own life, the one that made life worth living. It sounded cliché and exaggerated to say all that, even admit it to himself, but it really was true. If he didn't have Sasori, he really had no idea if he would have lasted this long.

So many times he came close to ending it, but Sasori always stopped him, whether it was a surprise visit or a call. He saved him countless times, but even his savior had a limit; he finally broke, and then it was still Sasori who saved him. Deidara remembered how he felt when he saw Sasori so close to melting down and losing it. There were times when the pressure of being perfect got to him so badly that Sasori completely shut down and went on autopilot, his mind wandering into the depths Deidara was familiar with and didn't want anyone else to know about. He was so good at sensing it that he made sure to never leave Sasori's side or leave him alone for too long. Being familiar with those thoughts himself, he knew how often they occurred, how behavior changed depending on how strong those thoughts were.

Sasori would never admit out loud that he was having those thoughts, probably because he didn't actually realize how bad they were; all because he didn't realize that he was thinking like that. But Deidara knew, being accustomed with these thoughts for far too long. It was selfish and hypocritical of him to prevent Sasori from doing anything stupid, yet do it himself as many times as he could until he would succeed.

_"Say you and Sasori switched positions. How would you feel if you were helpless, watching Sasori destroy himself mentally and physically?"_

_ "I'd feel pretty bad, un."_

_ "So why do you continue to do it? You know that he'll be hurt. You know it's going to lead to more pain, not lessen it."_

_ "Because… because the pain is so bad that it even overshadows the fact that I don't want to hurt danna, un."_

_ Iruka nodded, the kind of nod that didn't really mean anything but was used just because he didn't have anything else to say. After a few moments, he spoke again, looking up, his brown eyes kind and boring into the blonde. "You want Sasori to be happy but you're doing something that will cause him an extreme amount of pain. I'm not trying to change your mind, but I am curious how you can justify this. It takes a lot to hurt the person you're in love with this badly. How can you do this?"_

_ Deidara smirked and shrugged. "Not very many people know this, but danna really despises people, un. He actually __**despises**__ people. He hates getting close to them. He hates people wanting to get close to him. He can tolerate it so well that people think he actually likes him. He even gets annoyed at friends sometimes, but forces himself to be friendly. I'm not sure if he's acting around me or not but either way, sooner or later he'll get sick of me, un. And he's too kind to tell me to fuck off. So I will."_

It was a reason that only Deidara and Sasori could comprehend: Sasori's immense hatred of humanity. Many people joked about being antisocial and despising the human race, but for Sasori it was true. Sasori had only offhandedly casually mentioned it when Deidara probed him for details, revealing things that Deidara promised to never tell anyone or bring up in conversation because Sasori just wanted to forget, memories of molestation, of abuse, of betrayal, of dishonesty from strangers and those he knew alike. A therapist told him he blocked out most of the memories as a defense mechanism and so Sasori didn't remember exact memories or exact people or exact times, but he knew it happened. And because of that he couldn't bring himself to ever relax around people or trust them, knowing that people out there had hurt him and he didn't know who they were. He might even be associating himself with them now and wouldn't know it; that thought made him sick. He admitted part of him wanted to try to remember just so he knew exactly what had happened and who. But at the same time that prospect was so terrifying and so he left things as they were, a childhood of broken memories until he was about twelve, when things seemed to have stopped, the perpetrator probably leaving Sasori's life but the redhead had no idea who it was; his memory blocked it out for him.

He honestly did try to lead a normal life, but that fear never left him. Just telling Deidara was hard and he avoided him for days afterwards. When they finally did resume their friendship, they acted as if the conversation never took place. And they did a good job of it; it was something that Deidara always remembered but not something prominent because Sasori's annoyance at people seemed normal, but the blonde knew it went so much deeper.

The redhead really tried not to push people away, not knowing who was at fault, who was innocent. But he couldn't help but not fully trust anyone and eventually push people away. And Deidara prayed that he would be gone before Sasori pushed him away.

_"Except danna's also extremely strong," Deidara added, looking away, "He doesn't let past events affect him, un. He has reasons for feeling how I feel, for doing what I do. But he doesn't. I… I'm jealous of that, un. I wish I could be as strong as that."_

_ "Past events?"_

_ "Nothing worth sharing."_

Life really was tragic.

Everyone had a story he kept secret. Something so dark and sinister that he would never tell anyone and if he did, only scraping the surface, not divulging everything. Deidara had actually told Sasori a surprising amount, but that was only because he wanted him to understand before leaving.

The blonde sighed and closed his eyes, enjoying the cold weather. It suddenly occurred to him that it was December and the river was still flowing, which was odd. But then, opening his eyes and looking down, he smirked, remember how science taught him that fast moving streams of water wouldn't freeze. Quite convenient really, as there were three ways for him to die: drown, hit his head on the rock bed, or freeze. Three for one, what an excellent deal.

_"Whatever these past events are… wouldn't you want to help Sasori through them?" Iruka seemed to have realized that Deidara wouldn't divulge whatever it was, but it was something important in their friendship. And Deidara was thankful that he didn't probe, knowing that although he was deathly loyal, he would cave eventually because he wanted Sasori to get help, find closure, and truly move on._

_ "I can't, un. Eventually he'll want to push me away too. I'd rather die than have him push me away. And if I try to talk to him about it he'll just push me away sooner, un."_

_ "But you're his best friend."_

_ "Danna doesn't need a best friend, un. He's perfectly fine being by himself."_

_ "What if he was in love with someone? Would he push that person away?"_

_ Deidara opened his mouth and closed it, blinking a few times and looking up, making a soft 'huh' noise, to which Iruka couldn't help but smile slightly at the blonde's denseness to Sasori's feelings towards him._

_ "Would he want the person he loves to leave?" Iruka asked again, softer this time, watching Deidara ponder it. Part of him wanted to tell Deidara because it almost physically pained him to see these two, madly in love with each other, hurting because of each other's pain, thinking that the person the other was in love with would fix it all, not realizing that it was them. He remembered being a teenager; it was hard. Being a teenager is one of the hardest times in a person's life._

_ "I guess…" Deidara frowned thoughtfully, "…He wouldn't, un. Not if danna was truly in love with him."_

But, of course, Deidara wasn't the one Sasori was in love with. Deidara wondered if Sasori would eventually tire of the person he was in love with, if he would push that person away. He sincerely hoped not; Sasori needed someone he would never tire of, someone he would always want to be with him. Deidara would give anything to be that person, just as Sasori was that person for him. But life was tragic and things didn't always work out.

He smiled sadly, looking down at the rushing currents, trying to imagine what it would be like if Sasori pushed him away, trying to comprehend the sadness it would cause.

_I'm beating you to the punch, Sasori no danna._

**10:57 AM, December 11**

Sasori was dead tired.

Eight days since that kiss and he hadn't been able to sleep soundly a single night. And last night he decided to load himself up on caffeine and listen to another tape. Which was a stupid idea, Sasori thought tiredly as he walked around town with Kakuzu and Hidan (how he ended up with them he had no idea). Every person he saw he wanted to kill because they were just so happy and alive (he almost laughed at the irony of the thought)… he just wished Deidara would be like that.

Every tape seemed to get more depressing, like with each passing tape, Deidara was losing it more and more, becoming more truthful, losing his barrier, spilling everything. It scared Sasori but he knew Deidara was still alive and that's all that mattered. It was hard to envision Deidara as alive now, which scared Sasori. He always looked so tired, so lifeless… skin so pale, eyes so dull, like he had already died and his body was all that was left with no soul in it.

Sasori wondered if that kiss made Deidara feel as alive as Sasori felt.

He shivered involuntarily and ignored the curious looks from his two friends as he remembered that moment. The first brush of the lips, the brief, hesitant pause, then the kiss, it was so quiet and innocent but it was also so perfect. He didn't know why Deidara had kissed him and he didn't particularly care because he was so glad. He couldn't remember how many times he had seen Deidara kiss someone else and feel so jealous and now he finally kissed him himself, the kind of innocent kiss that he had never seen Deidara share with anyone else.

Sasori still couldn't forget how it made him feel. He had instantly stopped breathing and froze to the spot, scared that if he moved it would be to grab Deidara and never let him go. He never dreamed that they would share a kiss, thinking that it would just ruin their friendship if he initiated it. But Deidara was the one that kissed him first and so Sasori knew that, for whatever reason, it wouldn't ruin their friendship. And he was so thankful because that kiss just reconfirmed what he knew: he was in love with Deidara, madly, infinitely, passionately in love with him and never wanted to let him go.

He had troubles trusting and even more keeping people around him. People who tried to force their way into his heart he rejected. People that hung around him too long, he rejected. People that were nosy, he rejected. At times he even tired of his friends but since he didn't see them that overly abundantly often, he didn't grow tired of them. In fact, Deidara was the enigma. They spent so much time together, so much that Sasori was so sure he would've tried to put distance between them. Deidara knew so much, maybe even too much; he knew more about Sasori than anyone else, even his grandmother. He knew enough to ruin the redhead's life, he could easily blackmail him into anything. And yet he didn't.

And maybe that was why Sasori would never push him away. Despite what had happened to him, his misanthropy, his lack of willingness to trust, he would never tire of Deidara. He wanted him close, closer, closest; he didn't want him to be farther than he had to. He told him something he had a hard time admitting even to himself and not only had Deidara been accepting and kind, he also didn't betray Sasori and tell anyone.

It gave Sasori hope. Deidara gave him hope. He gave Sasori the hope that one day he would truly be able to trust someone and to one day be comfortable around people, truly, genuinely comfortable, move past whatever had happened. Maybe one day he would feel brave enough to try to regain the memories, try to remember. Or maybe not. But Deidara gave him the hope that he could one day truly be _normal_. And he had to thank Deidara for that; the blonde saved Sasori from himself and he didn't know it and probably never would.

So when Deidara tried to kill himself, it was more than his best friend and the love of his life leaving him. It was the one beacon of hope leaving him. Because if Deidara left, Sasori would never recover; he would never be able to trust anyone again for fear of being hurt as badly. He would lose any hope to be normal, it would leave a wound so big that Sasori would lose himself in it, a wound that would never scar.

_"The second to last tape, danna, un. Congratulations on making it so far."_

They sat down to have lunch at a small café, close to a bridge that Sasori and Deidara used to take home when they were feeling adventurous. Sasori kept his eyes down; his mind decided to replay the tape because it was so fresh in his mind and he really didn't need any more reminders of Deidara. Kakuzu and Hidan had given up trying to talk to Sasori and just conversed quietly, occasionally looking up to make sure Sasori was still awake.

_"It's been hard, no doubt. But I'm glad you're still listening, un. I'll miss you, I really will. Even dead, I'll think of you. Because you're the most important person to me, always. Thank you for being my friend. You… you did so much more than you could ever imagine."_

_ But not enough,_ Sasori had thought bitterly. He looked up and told the waitress he wanted a cappuccino, no sugar or cream. His mood matched his craving: bitter.

_"What I want to kill… isn't me, un. There's something inside of me that I want to kill. There's… a monster, un. Inside of me. It's dark and it's taking me over; I don't want it to take me over so that you see him because I don't want you to see how ugly I am. I'm a terrible person, I really am. I'm so selfish… so bitter… so angry that you can't imagine and if you ever did see that side, there's no doubt in my mind that you would leave me, un."_

_ I would never leave you,_ Sasori had thought immediately.

_"When I cut myself and watch myself bleed, it's kind of like that monster is seeping out too, un. Of course, he never completely leaves; he's always there, using me as a host to grow. And he's horrible: he's dark and twisted, and I don't want anyone to ever see him because I don't want anyone to ever risk being infected with him. And… if I kill myself, he'll die too, un."_

"Oi, Sasori. You all right?"

The redhead looked up and saw Kakuzu and Hidan looking at him curiously, worry creasing their brows. He managed a small smile, nodding as the waitress came back and set their drinks down in front of them before disappearing. Sasori picked up his drink and moved his scarf, he remembered suddenly it was the one Deidara had given to him last year for his birthday, and took a sip, letting the warmth spread through him. It was a cold day, but it wasn't as cold as he would've expected it for December. But still cold enough for Sasori to ask why he was out with them.

"We decided if we left you alone any longer you'd go crazy like Deidara," Hidan answered bluntly as if reading his mind, smirking, "You've seen how he's affecting us. We don't know what we'd do if both artists lost their mind."

Sasori blinked and laughed softly, managing a weak smile. "I won't lose it."

"Good."

Sasori almost forgot just how much this was affecting the rest of their friends, not just Tobi and himself. Just because the others weren't in love with Deidara didn't mean they didn't love him and Sasori felt guilty; he was worrying himself sick and their friends certainly didn't need another person to worry about. The two went back to conversing about whatever they were talking about before, seemed to be gossip about some scandal at college, and Sasori sighed.

It was really a pretty short tape; only fifteen or twenty minutes. Sasori had been thankful, fingers ready to eject it and put it away until the last bit.

_"There's one more tape. I don't know if you realized it, but there are six and only five in this package, un. The last one is in my apartment. Decided it would be too easy for you to just have all six and Sasori no danna likes a challenge, no? You have the key, un. You know me. You'll find it. This last reason… personally, I think it's the most important. To me, at least. If you don't find it… if you can't, it's okay. It's just… something I had to get off my chest. So if this is the last one you listen to, goodbye, Sasori no danna. And thank you, really, thank you for everything, un. Everything."_

And then it ended and Sasori stared into space with his eyes wide, heart pounding. There was a sixth one, one that was hidden somewhere in the brat's apartment? He wanted to throw the device against the wall and ruin it; exactly how the hell was he supposed to retrieve the last one? And it wasn't like he could just easily leave it just because Deidara said it wasn't really important; every single tape was important. He had to get it. But he didn't know how.

There was no way Deidara would leave him alone in his apartment long enough to find it. He was still surprised Deidara hadn't come looking for the tapes, thinking that maybe it was because Deidara already decided he was going to die and found no reason to find them. But Sasori refused to think that; he refused to think about anything that indicated Deidara's life being cut short. Looking up, he caught sight of the nearby clock tower and noticed the time, raising an eyebrow and pulling out his phone to make sure what time it was.

_11:11,_ Sasori thought, smiling sadly, still looking at his phone, the wallpaper a picture from his birthday that year of him staring at the cake that Deidara made with no emotion and the blonde in the back, grinning widely, _make a wish._

**11:11 AM, December 11**

_11:11,_ Deidara thought, closing his eyes and smiling, teetering dangerously on the edge, the sounds of the currents amplifying, more people milling around behind him, unaware of the blonde hidden by the trees, _make a wish._

**11:11:10 AM, December 11**

Sasori wished for Deidara to live.

**11:11:20 AM, December 11**

Deidara wished to die.

**11:11:30 AM, December 11**

Sasori wished for Deidara to be happy.

**11:11:40 AM, December 11**

Deidara wished to disappear, for his existence to never have existed, for people's memories of him to be erased so they would be happy.

**11:11:50 AM, December 11**

Sasori wished that he could take every happy, joyous, positive moment in the world and put them in a box and give it to Deidara, giving him eternal happiness, because that's what he deserved, that's what he should have, eternal happiness, forever, infinitely, because Deidara fucking deserved it and that was all Sasori wanted because he loved him so much.

**11:11:50 AM, December 11**

Deidara wished that he could take all the pain from Sasori and put it in an envelope and burn it, watching all his sadness disappear, leaving him with only happiness because Sasori deserved to be happy after everything, for being such a good friend, for going through unfathomable things that even he couldn't remember because it was so bad, because all Deidara wanted in the end was for his danna to be happy because he loved him so goddamn much.

**11:11:59 AM, December 11**

But wishes don't always come true.

**11:12 AM, December 11**

"Hey, isn't that Deidara?"

At the mention of Deidara's name, Sasori snapped out of his daze and looked at Kakuzu who was looked surprised and worried which told Sasori something was really wrong; if Kakuzu had an expression other than disapproval or boredom, then it was either really good or really bad. He turned around quickly and could see just through the trees by the river side someone on the edge of the bridge. It was hard to detect and later Sasori would learn Kakuzu only saw him because a sudden gust created a gust between the trees.

"What the fuck is…"

Before Hidan could finish speaking, Sasori already jumped up, letting his chair clatter noisily to the ground and raced off towards the bridge. Behind him, he was vaguely aware that Kakuzu had slammed down more money than necessary, not caring about change for once, and the two were running after him as well. People moved aside and gave him dirty looks, unaware that someone's life was at stake. Adrenaline rushed through Sasori as he ran faster than he had ever before; the bridge hadn't seemed that far when he was sitting at the café but now it seemed infinitely far away, and each step was a step backward instead of step forwards.

_Don't jump, God, don't jump, just wait, just wait a few more seconds, please, God…_

Sasori would apologize to the people he knocked over later, to the bikers that swerved and fell off and swore at him. Grabbing onto the railing of the bridge, he swung himself around the corner, sprinting up, hating gravity for making this more difficult. He saw Deidara, he was so close, just barely visible through the branches and leaves.

What would have happened if Sasori hadn't been here? If Kakuzu hadn't seen him? That was probably Deidara's intention; who knew that they would be out, close to this bridge at this precise time? He was so lucky, Sasori thought dryly, he was _so fucking lucky_. If he wasn't here Deidara would easily succeed. Very few would see him and those that did probably would call the police because very few people who jump into a freezing cold river in December for a stranger.

Somewhere in the back of Sasori's mind it registered that he would have to be diving into water, a memory of a terrible childhood he remembered vividly. He remembered like feeling in a vortex, opening his eyes and seeing nothing but darkness, feeling suffocated and trapped. Somewhere in the back of his mind, he screamed at himself to _stop_ because Hidan or Kakuzu knew of his fear and one of them would definitely jump in and save Deidara if Sasori couldn't. But he ignored that; he didn't care that someone else could save Deidara, he didn't want Deidara to need saving. But if he did, Sasori wanted to be the savior.

_"Deidara!"_

If people didn't know something was wrong, they definitely did now after hearing Sasori yell out his name. Instantly they stopped and looked at where Sasori was looking and instantly murmurs and shouts started. Deidara seemed to not mind or hear, his eyes were closed and he teetered dangerously, rocking back and forth…

"Call the police!"

"What the hell is he thinking?"

"Did anyone call the police yet?"

When he saw the blonde hair disappear, Sasori's heart seized and he grabbed the railing and jumped up, coming down once again to land on the railing and push off with his foot, diving right after Deidara, ignoring more surprised cries from the onlookers, vaguely hearing Kakuzu and Hidan yell after him.

_If you jump, I swear, I will be right there with you. I don't want to see you dealing with everything alone anymore. I'm your best friend. I care for you. I don't want you to go through everything alone._

Sasori's promise on top of the bell tower wasn't a onetime promise.

**11:14 AM, December 11**

_Funny,_ Deidara thought after the shock of being thrown into the bone chilling water vanished and he felt like he was floating, the water so cold he didn't even feel it, _thought I just heard danna… must be my demented imagination._

He closed his eyes and smiled slightly.

_This is the end._

**11:14 AM, December 11**

It was cold.

The minute Sasori hit the water, he felt like the breath had been knocked out of him and water swirled around him like a prison. He felt he couldn't breathe, a different kind of suffocation from the normal underwater restriction. He brought a hand up to his mouth and pinched his nose and covered his mouth just to remind himself to not dare try to breathe; his memories of almost drowning as a child came flooding back and that fear immobilized him. He wanted to hyperventilate but forced himself to calm down and his shaking gradually slowed down.

He forced his eyes open and heard voices that were muffled by the water, able to distinctly hear Kakuzu and Hidan. One seemed to be swearing like mad and the other was trying to keep everyone calm and on land; it didn't take Sasori much brainpower to figure out who was yelling what. He looked around, not being able to move quickly, looking for the idiot he had dove in after.

_I'm going to die fuck shit I'm going to die die die I can't swim I can't do this I'm going to fucking __**die.**_

He clenched his fists and began swimming, an awkward kind of paddling because he had never quite learned how to swim, but figured it out quickly. He ignored the frantic message his mind was sending, telling him to resurface, that he could still survive, if he stayed under for a minute longer it would be too late. Had it been other situation, that fear would have paralyzed him; he wouldn't have been able to believe he had willingly jumped into a body of water and was continuing to stay under. But he had a reason, a reason that mattered to him more than his life, one that overpowered his fear.

_There._

His eyes widened and he swam faster, seeing Deidara floating a few yards away, the murky waters finally revealing him when he was close enough. His eyes were closed and his long blonde hair looked so soft and beautiful as it surrounded him, like he was an angel. Sasori reached out and the minute his fingers wrapped around the thin forearm (it suddenly crossed Sasori's mind that he had completely forgotten about Deidara's so called "mild anorexia"), the blue eyes shot open and stared at him in awe.

_Danna,_ he seemed to mouth but Sasori had no intention of staying down there longer than he had to. They had been close to the bottom of the river and Sasori used his foot to give them a slight start towards swimming upwards. Deidara wasn't helping him, not that Sasori expected him to, or resisting, which Sasori was immensely grateful for. Deidara, actually knowing how to swim, probably could have fought his way free if he wanted, but didn't, for some reason Sasori couldn't comprehend but it didn't matter. His air supply was running low and he was starting to feel light headed; the surface was so far, the light seemed to be growing dimmer instead of brighter, was this it, was he going to die with Deidara, just as he had promised?

His grip started lessening and his eyes began to close, an uncomfortable sensation in his chest. He was running out of his oxygen, his legs couldn't carry them upwards anymore, they were going to die, just like Deidara wanted, just like Sasori didn't want…

And then suddenly they were above water, voices amplified, cold breeze blowing at their exposed faces. Sasori let out a cough and gasped for air, his sensations coming back. Now it was cold; freezing ass cold, he determined, and tightened his grip around Deidara's arm, his willpower coming back to never let him go again. Deidara was silent as Sasori let the current carry them close to the shore where Hidan and Kakuzu were waiting, both anxious and authoritative looking people were waiting with an ambulance behind them, holding blankets.

"Dude, that was sick!" Hidan's voice was the first one Sasori could hear clearly as he and Kakuzu grabbed the two and hoisted them up. "Fuck, I didn't think you'd jump _in_…"

"Hey, are you all right?" Kakuzu asked, holding out some kind of a warm beverage towards Sasori as he wrapped himself in a blanket. Deidara was somewhere behind him, being tended to now by Hidan (managing to stay pretty calm but they all knew Hidan would let all hell loose later on). He accepted the drink gratefully and gave a numb nod, taking a long sip. He held up his hand and stared at it, dripping wet, freezing, and shaking; he still couldn't believe that he had just dove into water, a fear that he had been paralyzed by his entire life.

"I don't need to lecture you," Kakuzu continued, crouching down, smiling slightly as he ruffled Sasori's hair like he was a child, "You know how stupid that was. But you saved him."

_You saved him._

The brown eyes widened and he whirled around, standing up and walking over to Deidara who was staring blankly at the ground. He leaned down, dropping his drink and forcing Deidara to let go of us, and grabbed the front of the blonde's shirt and pulled him up. The blankets fell off of their shoulders but it didn't matter; they weren't exactly providing any kind of warmth. Sasori's eyes gleamed angrily as they bore into Deidara's eyes, blank and impassive.

"You fucking idiot!"

Deidara closed his eyes, awaiting the inevitable punch to his jaw that would occur because as calm as Sasori was, the rare times when he seriously lost his temper violence seemed to be his answer. He was too numb to feel anything, numb from the cold, numb from disappointment, numb from anger. He knew Sasori was mad but so was he, how dare Sasori risk his own life, how dare Sasori interrupt him taking his own again? As hypocritical it was of him, he hated that Sasori put himself in a life threatening position for him.

When he felt Sasori's hand around his arm in there, he felt something inside him break from disappointment. But besides that he also felt so damn special.

And then he felt the contact of Sasori, but it wasn't a punch. He pulled Deidara towards him and _hugged_ him, a feeling so foreign that Deidara's eyes widened and he froze in shock. Although the initial contact of their clothes was cold, after a moment he felt the warmth radiate from Sasori as well as his shaking as his arms wrapped around Deidara, crushing him in an embrace.

They weren't touchy-feely friends, or people, even. They hated contact that wasn't necessary; Deidara just because he didn't like people hugging him and Sasori for his personal reasons. In fact, they had never hugged—never, up until now. He relaxed and found himself smiling softly; this hug was for all the wrong reasons but felt so right, like things could get better, a phrase Deidara found ludicrous and was at the top of the list of phrases he despised.

"Don't… don't ever do that again, do you hear me?" Sasori asked, the feigned confidence he tried to convey missing from his shaking voice. He wanted to punch Deidara but before he realized what he was doing, he was pulling Deidara towards him. Because above all his anger was relief; this was probably the closest Deidara had come and Sasori was thankful, so thankful, that he hadn't succeeded. In the waters he really thought he had lost him; he was scared and it was dark and he had no idea where Deidara was; he really thought Deidara had succeeded and was gone.

"I'm sorry for worrying you, un." Not a direct answer nor a promise, but Sasori wasn't expecting an agreement. He felt a slight chuckle and couldn't help but smile, wishing he could stay like this forever because he knew that like this Deidara wouldn't have a chance to slip away.

"Damn restless brat."

"Shitty bastard that won't leave me alone."

**12:47 AM, December 17**

"So Sasori dove in after you?" Iruka asked after Deidara finished telling him. He and Sasori had both been kept in the hospital overnight and treated for possible hypothermia both requesting this not be posted all over the news because they both didn't want any attention. Sasori didn't leave him alone for a minute after they were released and Deidara supposed he didn't mind too much because he did always like to spend time with him, but their company was for the wrong reasons and that he didn't like. And Deidara was desperate for time away from Sasori, away from feeling him wonder "are you going to try again and am I going to be there to stop you?" In fact, he was so desperate that he went to Iruka, knowing Sasori wouldn't be with him, even if it was for only an hour or so.

Aside from Sasori, his other friends were also worried, all of them piling into his apartment the day after. Hidan nearly throttled him to death and it took almost everyone to get him off, but after that it seemed things were back to the perfectly constructed, feigned normalcy Deidara created. At night he would lose himself in his thoughts, so disappointed it hadn't work again, a plan he thought that was foolproof. He couldn't believe Sasori dove in after him.

"I'd say that's quite bold even for someone who wasn't hydrophobic," Iruka added, smiling slightly, "He must really care about you."

Deidara shrugged but Iruka noticed the discomfort. "He's a good friend, un."

"Surprised he overcame his fear to save you?"

The blonde hesitated, running his fingers through his bangs before answering. "…Yeah, un. I was banking on his fear for this one, really. I thought this would be the only thing that would stop him. I can't get my hands on a gun, I've tried pills, I've tried alcohol, I've tried cutting, I've tried jumping… I thought drowning would work, un."

"Are you glad he went in after you?"

Deidara glared at him. "Glad he almost died for me?"

"Not exactly. More like… are you glad that you're more important to him than his own life, his own fears?"

The blonde sighed. Iruka had the uncanny ability to ask the questions that he really didn't want to answer but he knew that he had to tell the truth. These kinds of people were good at detecting lies and Deidara knew that if he lied, Iruka would probably tell Sasori. And Deidara didn't want to risk Iruka telling Sasori he didn't want him to know.

"I guess, yeah, un."

"Do you think it's love?"

"Do I think he's in love with me?" Deidara asked, scoffing, "Of course not."

Iruka tilted his head, smiling slightly. "Why not?"

"I'm his best friend. I would know if he's in love with me, un."

Iruka nodded, as if agreeing, maintaining a poker face. He wished he could tell Deidara; maybe him knowing that Sasori really was in love with him would help him. But at the same time that wouldn't be professional of him; his job was to talk to Deidara, not to take a gamble, telling him Sasori's biggest secret, and hope everything would work out. But he really did hope that the two would figure it out sooner or later.

"Does it worry you to see what he'll put himself through for you?" Iruka asked instead, changing the topic slightly. Deidara seemed surprised at this question, his eyes widening before he looked down, scowling.

"Yeah, un. I… don't know if he'll take it too far one day." When he realized Sasori had jumped in after him, his first thought wasn't disappointment; it was fear. It was cold and it was a dangerous river, what if Sasori got hurt? He didn't know how to swim, that was why Deidara didn't fight. He knew Sasori wouldn't get out of the water without him and he didn't want to drag Sasori with him to the other world. So while he wasn't happy about being dragged out of the water, he would've been unhappier to be the reason they both died that day.

Iruka hesitated and looked up, smiling slightly. "Don't take this the wrong way because I don't want you to storm out of here again. But I'm not sure if you're the right person to say that people may go too far with something."

Deidara sighed, smiling tiredly. "Touché, un." He felt his phone vibrate and jumped slightly, mumbling a "sorry" to which Iruka laughed at and pulled out his phone, sliding his thumb across it and scanning the message, smirking before answering and putting it away. "Danna's staying at my house," he explained to which Iruka raised an eyebrow.

"He doesn't trust me alone, un," he added, shrugging, "I don't blame him."

**1:08 AM, December 17**

Sasori groaned, throwing himself onto Deidara's bed, phone in one hand, the other on his forehead as he stared up at the ceiling. He had make up some excuse about not wanting to leave Deidara alone so he had been spending the last few days at Deidara's place, insisting on sleeping on the couch despite Deidara's offers for him to have the bed or, when Sasori insisted he couldn't take his bed, to share the bed, to which they both stared at each other awkwardly for a few moments and decided that wouldn't be a good idea.

Part of him really wanted to be with Deidara all the time, leaving him little time to scour the blonde's apartment for that final tape. But now that Deidara was out at Iruka's, promising Sasori he wouldn't casually stroll in front of an oncoming semitruck, the redhead had about an hour or two to find it. Deidara had said that since Sasori knew him, he would know where the tape was.

But the blonde didn't realize that Sasori no longer knew who this new Deidara was.

He also realized that this was probably his one chance. He had to find that tape—it wasn't a choice. Deidara would leave him alone again, for sure, probably to go back to Iruka. But that would be the only time; any other time Sasori wouldn't know what time he would come back, making it far too risky to look for the tape. And his suicide attempts were starting to get closer together and the time in between he showed less and less life. The next time… Sasori shivered, the next time might really be the finale time.

_I have to find this tape today. I'm not going to have any more chances, none that I'm willing to risk._

He bought himself at least another half hour by asking Deidara to bring home a pizza, giving a very specific order, one that hopefully would annoy the pizza place and make them work extra slow. And Deidara would follow through with the ridiculous order, knowing better than to mess with Sasori's appetite.

_All right,_ he swung his legs off the bed and stood up, looking around with a smirk and new found determination, _I'll turn this place upside down if I have to._

_ You're not going to die._

_ I'm not going to let you._

_ I'm going to save you._

**Author's Notes: HAPPY BIRTHDAY DEIDARA :D Sorry I should've written something happy involving happy Deidara and happy Sasori (…the end is kind of happy and optimistc though, right?) but nope, It's 10pm and I just got home and I need to shower and I'M SORRY DEIDARA you'll be happy soon, I promise.**

**I hope you enjoyed reading this chapter!**


	14. why i love you

**.disclaimer: don't own.**

_**.chapter fourteen: "why i love you".**_

* * *

><p>"<em>When you decide to die, little things begin to happen. You stop looking both ways before you cross the street, you start answering the door without asking who's there. You don't hold onto the railing when you go down the escalator, you don't buckle your seat belt. You play with matches. You smoke, and breathe it in, actually praying it will make a difference. Deciding to die is actually almost nice, in a way. You stop caring. Even if you are not pro-actively looking for ways to kill yourself, you stop looking for ways to survive.<em>_"_

_**-Unknown**_

* * *

><p><strong>1:47 PM, December 17<strong>

"You stupid brat, your room is an absolute _mess,_" Sasori muttered to himself, rummaging around under Deidara's bed. He wrinkled his nose, smelling a wretched stench and decided that it probably wasn't here, since Deidara knew Sasori, the epitome of cleanliness, would do anything that his dead best friend requested but rummaging around in a dumpster was pushing it.

He sighed and pushed himself up, looking around the room again, frowning. He had checked almost everywhere in Deidara's room: on the bed, under the bed, in the closet, on the bureau, in the drawers, on the desk, hanging outside the window (Deidara would do weird things); everywhere. Finding nothing, he decided it wasn't in here which was disappointing. The way Deidara had talked about it seemed it would be in his room because it was something personal and this room would be the most personal in his house.

_Supposed to be in a place that I would be familiar with…_ he frowned and looked around again. Something that Sasori would be familiar with meant it would be a personal item to Deidara, something he probably treasured, something from Sasori or something symbolizing something he shared with Sasori. His keen eyes scanned the room; what possible item…

And then his eyes landed on a painting in the corner of his room, hidden by other art supplies. He made his way over, stepping on whatever else Deidara had on the floor and pulled it out, looking at it. Something told him this was it; this painting, the first one they worked on together back when they first met. The brush strokes were crude and colors were off but he remembered painting this with Deidara at kindergarten, working with him on it every day. They hadn't developed their own personal views of art yet and so that's why they were able to paint a picture together. It was abstract, with swirls and colors mixing together, not something kindergartners would work on every day.

He suddenly realized it felt heavy and he frowned again, turning it around, looking over the pulled fabric until he saw stitching. He used his nails to pull at it and unstitch it, then reached inside, rummaging around until his fingers brushed against its intended target.

_Bingo._

He smirked as he pulled out the tape, holding it between his two fingers and stared at it. This was the final tape, the mysterious one that would, hopefully, tie everything up together. He couldn't help but feel relieved even though he shouldn't as he was completely betraying Deidara; maybe this held the answers he seeked and he could finally help Deidara.

"Sasori, you've got five fucking seconds to explain yourself out of this shit mess."

_Shit._

Sasori turned around slowly, feeling his blood run cold as he saw Deidara standing in the doorway, blue eyes flashing angrily and he saw the pizza he had ordered Deidara to pick up on the kitchen table behind him. He found himself at a loss for words; how could he, after all, explain this? Explain the betrayal and deceit and hope that Deidara would forgive him, was that even possible?

"Look…"

"Trust me, I'm looking, un," Deidara growled, cutting him off and he sighed, looking away and closing his eyes. "Out."

"Deidara…"

"Did you hear me? Get _out_ of my house, un."

"Just listen…"

Deidara certainly didn't listen; he growled something under his breath and marched towards Sasori and grabbed the redhead's arm roughly and nearly dragged him out of the house. Sasori tried to protest but knew better than to get violent with an already irritated Deidara, but he certainly didn't stay quiet as Deidara yanked the door open and shoved him outside, slamming the door shut in his face and locking it.

"Deidara, please, promise me—"

"Shut up," Deidara growled, cutting Sasori off, "Don't, un. Don't say that. I hate it when you say that. Because you'd never say that before, it doesn't sound like you. I hate… I hate being reminded that things have changed even though I know it's changed. Don't make me promise you anything, don't make me promise you something you wouldn't make me promise you a few months ago."

It was silent but somehow Deidara knew Sasori was still there, lingering. He was good at staying quiet, the redhead, but Deidara was also good at sensing the presence of people, especially the one person that he had constantly on his mind.

"Then…" Sasori spoke up again and Deidara looked down, biting on his lip so he wouldn't say something he would regret, "…I'll see you tomorrow, brat. Don't… be late."

He heard scuffling sounds and knew Sasori had left; the blonde smirked. He had demanded Sasori to be natural and he was but they both knew Sasori wouldn't be coming tomorrow. Deidara suddenly remembered that Sasori had all the other tapes; _all_ of them and he must've listened to them all know, which is why he knew to come here.

Here Deidara thought Sasori came over to spend time with him, make sure he was okay. But he had an ulterior motive; he needed a reason to be in Deidara's house and snoop around while he was out. And he was so good at it; Deidara, who had always been good at reading people, didn't even detect that Sasori had another intention. He was so _good_ at acting that it was scary; his mask was possibly just as good as Deidara's and that was a terrifying thought.

And also angering; how dare Sasori betray him? The one thing that Deidara had requested; in the very first tape, at the beginning, supposedly his death wish, hadn't been fulfilled. And he never let it slip, even insisting Kakuzu hadn't given him anything. Deidara would take care of Kakuzu later; he was angry at him but not nearly as much as at Sasori. Kakuzu just delivered it. He had no part in Sasori actually deciding to listen to it instead of reading the note and obeying it like he was supposed to.

He was clenching his fists so hard that his nails were digging into his palm and drawing blood; he relished the pain, how distracting it was. It almost took his mind off his emotions, feeling the sharp pain in his hands. But he needed to verbalize this; this anger was attributed to something that he could put into words, so he wanted to tell someone because he was able to.

There were only two people Deidara could talk to.

One was out of the question.

"Hello, Umino Iruka—"

"Have you ever had your fucking best friend fucking betray you all while pretending to be your fucking best friend right under your fucking _nose?"_ Deidara growled as soon as Iruka picked up, not even waiting for him to ask who it was. He was aware that he sounded like Hidan but he didn't care; he swore when he was angry and he was angry as hell right now. "The fucking bastard had the tapes—_all along._ And he's been listening to all of them and lied to me, came to my fucking place to find the last one, knowing it was _wrong_ because he knew he wasn't supposed to even fucking _have_ them, but he kept them anyway. Sasori's supposed to be the person I can trust with anything but he pulls a shit trick like this, how the fuck do I trust him _now_?"

"You're angry and I understand that," Iruka answered calmly as if expecting Deidara to just call him and start swearing at any moment, so calmly that Deidara almost wanted to go to his office and throttle him, "And I'm aware that Sasori has betrayed you. However, have you considered it from his point of view? He's just confused; you're unable to explain how you're feeling, so he has no chance to understand it. And he wants to save you, Deidara, Sasori is truly trying to save you in any way he can. And the only way he can is to understand so he can have an idea as to what to say to help you and, since you won't talk to him about this, the only way he knows how is to listen to the tapes. He knows he took a huge risk and I'm sure he knows he may have just lost you. But in his mind as long as you're alive, as long as he can save you, he'll be fine with that. That's how much he cares about you."

"…Oh shut up," Deidara muttered and hung up, collapsing onto the couch. He let out a long breath in frustration; everything Iruka said had made such clear sense that he hated it. He didn't want to think about it from Sasori's view because that would mean Deidara had absolutely no reason to be angry and that Sasori had a right and that would mean Sasori really cared for him and that would make Deidara fall in love more, if that was possible, and then he would feel suffocated again because he loved Sasori but had to get away but couldn't bear to and it would make everything harder.

And what sucked about this moment, Deidara thought, was that he couldn't even kill himself. Because even though Sasori didn't verbally say it, he had basically telepathically communicated to Deidara to make him swear that he wouldn't die that night. He would stay alive because that's what Sasori wanted more than anything and no matter how angry he was, he'd never break a promise, especially one to Sasori. And he knew that.

And it sucked.

Then he picked up his phone and called the other person he could say anything to.

"Danna, don't listen to that tape, un," he said immediately as soon as Sasori picked up after the first ring. He heard other people and the sound of traffic and assumed Sasori was still on his way home. It crossed his mind to demand the other tapes back but, considering he didn't want to speak to Sasori right now, he saved his words.

"Are you threatening me over the phone?"

"Don't listen to that tape. I swear to God, if you do, I will never, ever forgive you, Sasori."

There was a brief pause, and when Sasori started speaking again, Deidara wanted to cry because of how soft and heartbroken his voice was.

"I don't care if you never forgive me. I really don't, Deidara. You can hate me. You can despise me. You can never speak to me again. You can wish me dead in a gruesome murder. Anything. All I care is that you're happy and that you're alive because you want to be alive. That's… that's all I want. And I'll do anything to make that come true."

He lingered for a moment and Deidara heard the shallow breathing on the other end. Deidara laughed softly and curtly before hanging up, the smile still a ghost on his lips as he looked down at the phone in his hand sadly, eyes softening. While Deidara really was angry that Sasori had listened to all the other ones, it was this one he really didn't want Sasori to hear. This tape was the most important, that was why he had hidden it in the first painting he and Sasori had painted together; this tape was, essentially, the profession of his love. He didn't want to record it at first and he was about to take it with him to his grave, but decided he wanted Sasori to know.

But then he wanted Sasori to know when he was _dead._ He lived his whole life trying to hide his feelings for his best friend only to, what, have it all come out now?

He reached up and pushed his fringe out of his sight and looked at the clock, staring at the minute hand moving slowly and the second hand moving at a steady rhythm.

_I'd never break a promise to danna._

_ …Would I?_

**5:13 PM, December 23**

As it turns out, he wouldn't.

Six days had passed and Deidara hadn't tried to kill himself; not once. The thought crossed his mind several times, of course, but he never executed it. Sasori would always pop up in his mind and stop him. He sounded so sad over the phone because Deidara was angry at him; what would he sound like if Deidara killed himself? He knew it would cause Sasori pain but somehow he didn't know the pain or the extent of it. And he still didn't know but he knew it would be worse. Even though he knew pain would pass, he didn't know how long that pain or last or how strong it would be. He was scared for Sasori's life, which was quite ironic.

"Deidara!"

He looked up and managed a smile, seeing Konan bound up to him and hug him, feeling guilty that her genuine smile could only be answered with a fake one. It was the twenty third and they, as in he and his friends, had their annual Christmas dinner together even though it wasn't Christmas or Christmas Eve. Konan insisted that they spend this holiday together but said that meeting on the twenty third would be the best because on Christmas Eve, people would rather spend time with their family or, in their cases, with loved ones.

This would probably be the first time Deidara didn't spend Christmas Eve with Sasori. Both being single and no family they'd rather spend the holiday with, they went to each other's apartments, alternating every year, it was supposed to be Deidara's place this year, but they both knew this year would be different. The meal was held at Konan's apartment every year and in the ten minutes that he had been there, he made eye contact with Sasori a few times but didn't attempt to talk to him. The redhead was leaning against the back of the couch, talking to Pein and holding a glass of wine, which Deidara found amusing because Sasori never drank, a choice made independent of his age. Looks like he didn't feel guiltless, which made Deidara feel better slightly.

"Are you and Sasori on bad terms?"

He turned back to Konan and shrugged, taking a sip of his apple cider. "Kind of, un."

The blue haired girl frowned in concern. "Do you want to talk about it?"

"Not particularly, un. It's okay. We'll get past it."

Konan frowned again but then smiled softly and excused herself, saying she had to fix the dinner. She motioned to Pein and he rolled his eyes, to which Sasori smirked at, and left him. They made eye contact again but only briefly, as Deidara turned and headed towards the balcony; the glass doors were closed but were clean and Deidara could see the cityscape outside. Hidan, Kakuzu, Zetsu, and Tobi weren't there; neither were Itachi and Kisame. The first four were always late and the latter two said they had to meet with a professor before they could come. So when someone approached Deidara, there was no doubt in his mind that it was Sasori. Glancing out of the corner of his eyes, he saw the red hair, the type of black sweater that only Sasori would wear, and the burgundy color of the wine.

"Did you listen to it yet?"

Sasori faltered, taking a sip before answering and Deidara feared he was going to say yes. "No. Not yet."

"Why the hesitation?" he asked, not making eye contact still. This was the first time they had exchanged words since the phone conversation and it was just as awkward and forced as he had thought it would be. He thought that everything would change "That Night" because he would die and he would be happy. Everything did change but for the worst: he was alive and his relationship with his best friend became strained and distant, like they didn't know each other anymore. He wondered every night why he couldn't just have died that night and with each passing night he got angrier and angrier.

"…They're really hard to listen to, you know," Sasori answered, looking down into his wine, "It… takes a lot of mental preparation." Konan and Pein, being older than them, always had wine when they had people over. And some of them did drink. But Sasori was part of the half that didn't because he had no interest. But knowing Deidara would be there he needed something to calm himself. And wine seemed to be the best option. When he asked for a glass, Konan and Pein were at first confused but seemed to figure it out, especially when Deidara came and he grew even quieter than usual.

"That's why you're not supposed to listen to them, un. You shouldn't have started."

"It's the only way for me to know how to help."

"I don't want help, un."

"How can you say that?" Sasori asked softly, turning to look at him, wondering if Deidara could imagine the anxiety Sasori felt hearing those words.

"Because it's the truth," Deidara answered simply, holding Sasori's gaze for a few moments until the doorbell rang and he turned around to see who had come. Sasori looked after him then back out the window as he heard all six of their friends arrive; the apartment was suddenly full of noise and life with swearing and laughing.

"What happened between you and senpai?" a voice came in his ear and Sasori nearly jumped had it not been for his self control. He glanced at the speaker and shrugged.

"Nothing. You should swoop in now and take him. He hates me anyway," Sasori couldn't help but say it sarcastically; he hadn't been able to look or think of Tobi in the same way ever since walking in on their kiss. He heard the Uchiha laugh softly then wait for a few moments; upon realizing Sasori wasn't going to turn to him again, he sighed and stepped in front of him, fitting in the small space between Sasori and the door.

"Tobi's given up on senpai," Sasori's eyes widened slightly at this, seeing the adamant expression in Tobi's eye, "because when Tobi kissed senpai, it didn't feel right because Tobi knew senpai would never love him the way that Tobi wants him to. And rather than pressure senpai more, Tobi is not going to pursue him anymore. Tobi will just support him."

"That's very noble of you."

"So," Tobi ignored Sasori's sarcastic remark again and glared at him, "Tobi is out of the picture. Sasori-san, you have no reason, no excuses to not be with senpai."

"Sure I do," Sasori shrugged, smirking as he took a step back, "I'm not the one he's in love with."

Tobi blinked, watching Sasori walk off towards Itachi and Kakuzu as Deidara was with Hidan and Kisame. He smiled softly, bringing a hand up to rub his eye. _Stupid Sasori-san._

"Hey. Everything all right?"

Surprised, the Uchiha turned and saw Zetsu there, offering him a Sprite. Tobi accepted it and smiled, a wide one that caught Zetsu off guard. "Yeah. Just… reminiscing. Because a chapter of Tobi's life has ended. And a new one is going to begin! So… to a new beginning!" he held up his Sprite and Zetsu blinked a couple of times, completely lost, but laughed and shook his head, clinking Tobi's can with his own.

"To a new beginning."

**8:53 PM, December 23**

"Have a good Christmas!"

The words were repeated several times by everyone as they split, each returning home in their pairs. Kisame and Itachi were headed off to the library to look at a few books, Zetsu was already beginning to regret being alone with Tobi, and Hidan and Kakuzu could be heard arguing already. Sasori and Deidara stayed quiet as they walked towards their respective apartments.

Dinner had been pleasant; they exchanged close to no words but engaged in other conversations. Deidara had caught Sasori watching his plate on more than one occasion and, just to appease the redhead, the blonde ate a lot, feeling pleased that Sasori looked relieved despite his current anger.

"Well…" Deidara cleared his throat when they reached the street where they parted, "I guess… good night, un."

"Wait," Sasori said suddenly and Deidara found himself being pushed against the wall of the building behind them, his jacket doing little to keep him warm as he was pressed to the rough, cold surface. His eyes widened as he tried to comprehend what was happening, wondering if Sasori was drunk but knowing the redhead wasn't. It took far more than one glass of wine on a full stomach to get him drunk.

"Everything that's happened," Sasori was so close to Deidara that the blonde was so sure he was going to kiss him and the idea gave him butterflies; Sasori's lips seemed to hover over his own, his brown eyes sad, "Everything that pushed us apart and things that we wish never happened… that kiss. I don't regret that kiss. And I hope you don't either."

"I…"

"Merry Christmas," Sasori interrupted, smiling slightly, as if he was snapped out of his trance, "brat."

As Sasori turned and walked away, Deidara found himself unable to say anything to stop him. His throat was dry and his head was spinning; had Sasori meant what he said about the kiss? _I don't regret that kiss._ He had thought Sasori was actually repulsed or at least weirded out by it but didn't want to push Deidara away in his current state. But he didn't regret it, something that never crossed his mind.

Blinking, he smiled and pushed himself off the wall, heading towards his own apartment.

_I don't regret it either._

**7:16 PM, December 24**

_ If I listen to this tape, I'm basically severing my friendship with Deidara._

_ If I don't listen to this tape, I'm not going to be able to help him stay alive._

Sasori stared at the device, as if arguing with it and sighed, closing his eyes. He had been doing this for, he cracked an eye open to look at the nearby clock, thirty one minutes now. He was so conflicted about this; this was the last one so he had to listen to it but at the same time it felt so wrong. It felt more wrong than the other ones. Probably because this was the most important one, the one Deidara really didn't want him to hear, the one that had caused this strain in their friendship.

But he had this tape in his possession.

He had to listen to it.

He _had_ to.

"I am a horrible friend trying to save my best friend's life," Sasori muttered as he put the headphones on and closed his eyes, leaning his head back against the headrest of the couch. It was an ironic statement but very true; he was betraying his friend's trust, doing what he told him not to do _to his face,_ to save his life. Hopefully.

He pressed play.

_"Short tape, un. Congratulations on making it to the end, danna. Thank you for making it this far."_

"Yeah, you're not saying that right now…" Sasori muttered dryly, smirking. He shivered and wrapped a nearby blanket around him; listening to these tapes always sent chills down his spine and his freezing cold apartment never helped with that. But this was the last one; these would have been his last words. And that sent more chills down his spine.

_"This tape… I'm wary of letting you listen to it, un. I've kept many secrets, as you know by now. But this one… it's not even that bad a secret, un. It's just something I don't want people… something I didn't want you to know. But it's something important to me and I don't want to take it to my grave. But firstly I have to say this: this is not your fault, un. Don't blame yourself. As my dying wish, I request that of you: do not blame yourself."_

_ "Remember when we first met? We were the two artistic ones, un. It was cool to meet you; I thought I was stuck in a class of stupid little imps that called a tree and a house "art." Did I ever tell you why I call you danna? You probably figured it out or maybe I told you once, but it's because I greatly respect you, un. Not only for your artistic skills but also you as a person. You're calm and collected, mature and stable, loyal and honest; six qualities that are important in a friend to me and you have all of them, un. I've always looked up to you."_

_ "Ah, I guess this tape isn't as short as I had thought. Sorry, un. I know you hate being lied to."_

Sasori smiled softly. Even right before he was going to die he sounded so… energetic. It was painful. It was bitterly ironic. It was befuddling; how could he act like this knowing he was going to take his own life? Did the idea of dying make him that happy?

_"And so we became best friends, as you know, un. Always together. We made fun of each other and pissed each other off more than actual best friend stuff but I liked that. I didn't have to adhere to any molds around you. I didn't have to make myself pretend to care or vice versa. It was honest and natural, un. I loved that."_

There was a slight pause and Sasori heard breathing and a slight chuckle.

_"Well… I loved you. No, scratch that. I love you. Not loved, un. Some things go beyond death. Feelings do. Love does. I love you. Not in a friend way either; I'm __**in**__ love with you."_

Sasori barely heard the rest of that segment; after Deidara first confessed, the redhead froze. His breathing hitched and he wondered if what he heard was true, it was _him_? He was the person Deidara was in love with all this time? He couldn't wrap his head around it; he was so sure it was one sided and Deidara saw him only as a friend. He had resigned himself to that belief, deciding there would be no chance for them. But now…

_"I don't know when it happened. Somewhere between being friends I fell in love with you, un. And I don't know why. Maybe it's because you're loyal, maybe it's because of your artistic skill and appreciation, maybe it's because of your entire personality. There's no one thing that made me fall in love. You, all of you, is what I love, un. But I didn't want to jeopardize our friendship, knowing you saw me as a friend. Our friendship is the most important thing to me, you are the most important thing to me. You helped me stay strong, un. I've been contemplating suicide since freshman year of high school, all right? And I've lasted all the way until now. And that's because of you and your friendship. That's what convinced me to keep living and to stay strong, un. To be with you, to spend time with you, to see you smile. I'm in love with you, danna, and you've been saving my life without knowing it. I don't know what snapped or why now… but regardless, you've been saving me for years."_

Another pause and Sasori was clenching the blanket tightly and shaking. He wanted to see Deidara right now. He wanted to see him, he wanted to hug him, he wanted to say, _no, you moron, I've been in love with you for so damn long, don't go away because I can't live without you._ Deidara began speaking again and Sasori closed his eyes, tears threatening to spill over. The stoic male was ready to lose it; these were going to be the last words of his best friend, of the love of his life, if he hadn't gotten so lucky.

_"Danna, I can't thank you enough, un. You've always been my friend and you never sugarcoated anything; you never left me when I needed you, un. And I'm sorry I never told you but I honestly just didn't want to burden you. This last reason… this last reason I swore to never tell you; the last thing I want is for you to burden yourself with my choice, un. I don't know if you've ever felt this way, but if you do, you can agree; it is so painful to watch the one you're in love with look at you as only a friend, un. It's hard to spend every day pretending to be your friend and being fine with it, un. Because, danna, I'm in love with you; so much I can barely stand it. This is by no means what tipped me over the edge, so don't blame me. As my dying wish, _please don't blame yourself, un_. I know it sounds like it, but I swear, this didn't have anything to do with this. You helped me to fight longer; you were the reason I got up, the reason I didn't end my life earlier, the reason I thought that maybe life could get better. But… the negativity swallowed me up, un, and even you, the single bright light in my life, began to fade away and darkness replaced you. I… I don't see that light anymore, un. All… all I really wanted was the plain and simple truth. I just wanted to know… why, un. Why am I sad? Why do we live? What should I live for, why aren't I happy? But… I don't think I'll ever know it, un."_

After a brief pause, Deidara began to speak again and Sasori found it hard to breathe as chills went through him. His hands were shaking and his vision was suddenly spotty.

_"Sasori no danna, thank you so much for being there for me this entire time, un. Loving you was the best thing I've ever done."_

And the recording stopped. Sasori froze as the last words repeated in his head and he instantly jumped off his bed, grabbed his keys, and ran out of his house and into the car, barely thinking. It was freezing cold but he didn't care; it was like his adrenaline served as his coat. Once the engine was ignited, he reversed, tires screeching as he stopped and shifted gears. He slammed down on the gas pedal and began driving. Those words were going to be Deidara's last; he had to see Deidara right now to make sure they weren't the last words he heard from him.

With one hand on the steering wheel, his hand blindly dialed Deidara's home phone, knowing if he saw Sasori calling on his cell he wouldn't pick up but he might for his home phone. As he held it up to his ear and swerved in and out of traffic, he tapped his fingers impatiently. As an impatient person, this was not unnatural but this impatience was for a much more important reason.

_Ring…_

He turned sharply around a corner, nearly hitting another car but ignored it. Walking would be fifteen or twenty minutes, driving would be ten. But he couldn't wait ten minutes; he wanted to be there in ten seconds. "Pick up… God, pick _up_…" he muttered, his eyes darting around as he continued driving recklessly.

_Ring…_

He wanted to see him. He wanted to hug him and never let him go, kiss him senseless even if Deidara didn't want it; he wanted to touch him and feel him. It hadn't hit him how close he was to losing Deidara until he listened to that last tape; he was so close it was painful.

_Ring…_

"_God,"_ Sasori muttered exasperatedly, as he stopped at a stop sign to let an elderly woman and her dog cross the street. They walked excruciating slowly and once they were out of the way, Sasori slammed on the breaks and sped off.

_Ring… _

"Pick up… why aren't you picking up… fuck, Deidara, I need to _talk_ to you!"

_Ring…_

"I swear, you idiot, if you don't pick up I will—"

_We're sorry, we're unable to answer the phone right now…_

"God fucking damnit!" Sasori swore, hitting the steering wheel angrily, the car's angry honk attracting attention. The stupid feminine voice seemed to go on forever before he was finally clicked through to voicemail. "Deidara. _Deidara!_ I know you're there, damnit! Pick up the phone!"

Sasori waited for a few moments, eyes narrowed as the light finally turned green and he accelerated. Sighing, he realized Deidara wasn't going to pick up; the brat was insanely stubborn.

"Okay fine, don't pick up then. Look, you wanted the plain and simple truth, right? Here's the plain and simple truth: I love you. Not in some stupid, cliché, temporary high school fling way, but I love you more than you could imagine, more than I could imagine, which is why I have such conflicting feelings about your suicide attempts. Part of me wants you alive so badly, for my own selfish reasons, because I can't imagine life without you. I can't imagine waking up without you, going to school without you, laughing without you, being happy without you, _living_ without you. I want you alive; it didn't even matter if you were with me, I was just content knowing you were alive and smiling. But then… you stopped smiling."

Sasori paused at another red light, wondering how he never noticed how much of a nuisance these things were. He had a bad feeling; why would Deidara not pick up his home phone? Sasori used to chastise him, saying he had a cell phone so he didn't need a home phone. But he'd always laugh and say just in case his cell wasn't working. And as far as Sasori knew, Deidara always answered his home phone. The seconds ticked by as he waited at the red light, trying to gather his thoughts. When it turned green, so did his mind.

"You weren't laughing anymore. You cut your wrists, you drank in excess, you took pills, you tried to jump off a building, and… that wasn't the you I knew anymore. So part of me… part of me _wanted_ you to succeed. Because you weren't happy anymore, and all I wanted you to be happy, even if it meant your death. If that was the only way to your happiness, then I wasn't going to stand in the way of it. But, God, the selfish part of me just couldn't accept that. I wanted your happiness so badly, but I wanted your happiness to come while you were alive. I'm so sorry, _so_ sorry for lying to you about the tapes, but they were the only way I knew how to… how to understand this. I still don't understand it, honestly, but I do know that… I'm not going to keep my feelings for you a secret. Even if we can't be together, I'll love you forever, brat, and that's a promise. I didn't even know you could love someone this much, care for someone this much until I felt it myself. It's scary and I don't need myself to be happy; I'm perfectly fine with having you as a friend," Sasori paused, seeing another red light but decided to ignore it. _Fuck it, I'm not going to let him die because of a stupid red light._ He didn't slow down.

"But you want the truth," he said, his voice growing louder and more impassioned as he sped up, the red intersection nearing, his speed increasing, "so I'll tell you the truth even though I'm afraid of it because I love you so much I'm scared of what extent I'll go for you, what I'll do, or rather, what I'll let you do. I love you irrationally, passionately, infinitely. That's a—"

**7:59 PM, December 24**

Deidara had been lounging around on his coach, wrists bleeding, fingers curling and uncurling around a bottle of pills; the second out of five he had accumulated. When the phone rang, he had still been inflicting the cuts, out of the bathroom where the blood would be easily washed away and onto the couch, where the blood would stain it. He had smirked. He didn't want to completely disappear from the world that quickly.

With each ring, he made another cut.

Each cut was deeper and wider and longer.

Five rings.

Five cuts.

As the answering machine began talking, he opened the first bottle of pills and downed all of them in a few gulps with water (no alcohol left in his apartment, depressingly.) He wondered who would call at this hour on Christmas Eve and for what reason. He almost answered—he _always_ answered his home phone. But he didn't feel like it because it didn't matter. Nothing mattered.

He was about to open his second bottle when he heard Sasori's voice.

He sounded… scared. Worried. Anxious.

_Probably listened to the tape, _Deidara gathered, smirking. The blood loss and pills hadn't affected him yet; he was just always in his half out, dazed state when he tried to take his own life. He almost picked up; it was Sasori, after all, how could he ignore Sasori when he sounded so desperate? He looked down at the cuts and smiled sadly, listening to Sasori's first words.

_"Okay fine, don't pick up then."_

"Sorry, un," Deidara muttered, opening the second bottle of pills, "But last time I talked to you, you stupidly saved my life. Not going to happen this time."

_"Look, you wanted the plain and simple truth, right?"_

"I did. But not now. It doesn't matter," he murmured quietly and poured several pills into his open palm, tilting his head back and preparing to swallow them. They were just about to go into his mouth and he was going to swallow them, just a bit closer to death, but then he heard Sasori's next words.

_ "Here's the plain and simple truth: I love you."_

At that, his eyes widened and his head jerked, the pills falling and scattering across the floor. He stared at the answering machine, his heart racing as he listened to Sasori's frantic words. As Sasori kept talking, pausing, and restarting, Deidara felt he couldn't breathe. So all this time the person Sasori was in love with…

_ "So you're in love with someone?"_

_ "…Yeah."_

That person was him?

He felt his face warm up and some kind of inexplicable feeling welling up inside of him. That tape… it didn't ruin everything, in the end. It actually made things _better_; even what happened after this, even if they couldn't be friends anymore, at least Deidara knew that his love wasn't unrequited, that Sasori wouldn't have pushed him away.

"_But then… you stopped smiling."_

At this, Deidara felt guilt wash over him, hearing Sasori's conflicted feelings. He hadn't realized how much Sasori cared for him up until this point. Like everything else, he knew, by definition, what Sasori was feeling. He was confused, angry, sad. But he didn't know Sasori was _so_ confused, _so_ angry, _so_ sad; he was plagued with feelings, just like Deidara always was, feelings that were so hard to describe because there are no words to express them.

"_But you want the truth, so I'll tell you the truth even though I'm afraid of it because I love you so much I'm scared of what extent I'll go for you, what I'll do, or rather, what I'll let you do. I love you irrationally, passionately, infinitely. That's a—"_

Sasori's voice stopped and all Deidara heard was screeching of tires and the sound of something being heavily impacted. His eyes widened and he sat up slowly, trying to process what happened, feeling light heated and short of breath, disbelief barely having the time to register.

He was out the door before the phone even disconnected.

**Author's Notes: Climax! Two more chapters! I like to stick people in hospitals, I know. Very Asian dramaesque, haha. I hope you enjoyed this chapter (…not so much Sasori getting in the car crash, I hope), please review!**


	15. to live, to die, to love

**.disclaimer: don't own.**

**.chapter fifteen: to live, to die, to love.**

* * *

><p><em>I know you have a little life in you yet. I know you have a lot of strength left. I should be crying but I just can't let it show. I should be hoping but I can't stop thinking of all the things I should've said that I never said. All the things we should've done that we never did. All the things I should've given but I didn't. Oh, my darling, make it go away. Make it go away.<em>

_**-Greg Laswell**_

* * *

><p><strong>8:16 PM, December 24<strong>

_"Sasori… Sasori…"_

_ Blearily, the redhead struggled to sit up and rubbed his eyes as he opened them slowly, wincing at the bright light. He looked around and saw nothing but white and couldn't determine just what surface he was on. He saw no walls, no boundaries; just an expanse of whiteness. He frowned at this, where exactly was he?_

_ He was alone, he thought, until he heard the voice again and turned around to see the source of it, upon which his eyes widened, disbelief coursing through his veins as he saw the person he missed so much and never thought he would see again._

_ "Okaa… san…"_

_ She smiled and Sasori couldn't help but feel tears rising. Immediately he threw himself at her, latching his arms around his mother that he never got a chance to say good bye to, not caring how he usually despised physical contact with anyone except Deidara. He heard her laugh, the sound sweet and pure. She ran her fingers through his hair, a feeling he missed so much._

_ "Okaa-san… why are you here?"_

_ As he pulled back to look at her, the brown haired woman smiled kindly._

_ "Sasori, I'm here to help you transition to death."_

**8:27 PM, December 24**

"A-Akasuna… S-Sasori… no… danna… Akasuna… A-Aka…"

"Sir? Sir, you're bleeding! _Sir_!"

The waiting room fell to a hushed silence and all eyes were on Deidara, who had burst in and stumbled to the receptionist's desk. He had sped all the way to the hospital, heart pounding, vision blurring. But he couldn't stop; he would rather die on his way to see Sasori than delay a single moment and possibly lose him. The nurse's voice was growing distant and when he looked down, he suddenly remembered his bleeding wrist—how had he forgotten that?

The blood had seeped through the sleeve of the shirt he was wearing and was dripping onto the floor. Blood. Blood. _Blood._ This substance, this very substance was what he tried to deprive himself of in order to die. This substance, this very substance was what was spilling out of Sasori, in quantities that Deidara would have wished upon himself; those quantities would have ensured death. But no, not Sasori; blood had to stay _in_ Sasori because blood out meant _death_ and Sasori _could not die._

"Blood…" he looked up, eyes wide and voice soft, "Danna… danna, does he… does he need a blood… blood transfusion? Sasori… Sasori no danna, un… is he… is he all right? Where… where is he?"

"Sir, are you all right, can you tell me what happened?"

_Why is no one answering my question?_ Deidara thought wearily as he looked down again, the blood forming an even bigger stain. All he cared about was finding Sasori and seeing him, why could no one understand that, why was everyone focusing on _him_?

They had been focusing on him for so long, ever since November 17. Not for a single moment were eyes off of Deidara; everyone stared at him, everyone wondered about him, everyone worried about him. He was sick and tired of all the attention; he didn't want any of it, he just wanted to slip away into death, but no one would let him.

And Sasori; no one had been paying any attention to Sasori, he realized suddenly with a pang. Sasori was suffering too. He was sad and confused and angry but he didn't have anyone worried for him, looking out for him, wondering if he was all right. No, all the attention was on Deidara. He had taken away any attention that could have been dedicated to Sasori. He was a selfish bastard, a horrible friend. How long had Sasori been suffering in silence?

Even now, no one was paying attention to Sasori. They were all asking Deidara how he was, if he was all right, what happened, how they had to fix him up.

_No,_ he wanted to yell, _leave me the fuck alone, go take care of Sasori no danna!_

But he never got to yell those words. His vision grew blurry and his knees grew weak, his throat closed up and he couldn't stand anymore. He remembered feebly grabbing at the counter to support himself but missed and collapsed onto the floor, in a small puddle of his own blood, guilt drowning him, worry suffocating him, the sound of frantic people just barely audible.

_Sasori no danna…_

_ Please be all right…_

_ I beg of you…_

**9:46 PM, December 24**

"Shittiest Christmas Eve ever."

A soft murmur went around the room in agreement, and for once no one telling Hidan to filter himself or keep his voice down. Half of them were in the hospital because they had been alerted of Sasori and the other half were alerted of Deidara first. So when they saw each other here, they had a sinking feeling in the pits of their stomachs, knowing that something was terribly wrong not with just one but both of them.

"Senpai…" a few heads rose to see Tobi had walked over to Deidara's bed side and was shaking the blonde by the shoulders, tears spilling out of the corners of his eyes, "Senpai…! Wake up! Sasori-san… Sasori-san doesn't like it when senpai is like this…!"

"I'm surprised he managed to get here by himself…" Pein noted quietly as Zetsu was the one that guided Tobi back to his chair and tried to comfort him. Feeling other's eyes on him, Pein continued speaking, unable to help a small admiring smile to creep onto his lips, "I saw… his car. It was bloody from those cuts on his wrist. So… obviously he knew Sasori was here. To be able to last that long with all those open cuts and to stop a suicide attempt willingly… that takes a lot of willpower. I just wish Sasori would be able to know it."

"He will!" Konan said immediately, glaring daggers at Pein who shrugged and turned away, "Sasori's in surgery, you know! He's not _dead_!"

"Konan, we have to be realistic…" Kakuzu was the next that tried to assuage the female but she cut him off immediately.

"I don't care, okay? Yes, okay, I caught a glimpse of him too and, yes, it was scary! He was bloody and… it was bad. But this staff at this hospital are some of the best! And Sasori… he's going to fight! He's not going to let himself die unless he knows Deidara is all right!"

"We just have to be prepared for the worst," Pein said softly, eyes hardening and he looked down, "Even… if we don't want to think about it."

Deidara's small hospital room fell silent again, a room not meant for nine people. But Sasori was in surgery and staying with Deidara and waiting for him to wake up seemed like a much better idea than pacing around anxiously, not being with either of them. The only good news they had received tonight was that Deidara would wake up soon. He had lost some blood but nothing a few hours of rest wouldn't fix.

When they asked about Sasori, the nurse's bright look dropped and she said that the surgeons would do their absolute best and all anyone could do was wait.

Sasori had run a red light, they had been told, and had been hit by an incoming truck driver, the force from the huge vehicle turning Sasori's car upside down several times. Thank God he had his seatbelt on, the doctor had told them, otherwise he would be dead already. They were looking at a lot of blood loss, lots of internal bleeding, broken bones, possible concussions, etc. The details were too gruesome and Konan was the first to turn away.

Why would he run a red light, was the first question that they asked each other, what was so important that Sasori would do something so stupid and dangerous? Then when they walked into Deidara's room and saw him with bandages around his wrist and knowing that he had a bottle of pills pumped out of his stomach, they immediately connected Deidara's failed suicide attempt to Sasori's accident. Some reason, somehow, Sasori knew. Or at least he thought something was wrong, so he rushed over.

"Damn… damnit…!"

All eyes fell on Tobi again whose clenched fists were on his knees, his head bowed and tears falling. "Sasori-san… damnit! You have… you have to wake up! Tobi's given up on senpai… for you! Not just so you could… could die like this! You have… to make it… you have to… make senpai happy again… I didn't give up on him for nothing!"

A few eyes widened at this but it wasn't something too surprising; most of them had figured out that, just as Sasori and Deidara were in love with each other, Tobi was in love with Deidara. It really was a well hidden secret, one that only came to surface once or twice and they would be left wondering if they were stretching Tobi's admiration or if it happened. But he had always kept it quiet because he, like everyone else, knew of Sasori's feelings and Deidara's. It was an admirable sacrifice, to stay so quiet about one's feelings, watching one's love love someone else, and pretending to be happy for him. Tobi was stronger than any of them had thought and this was just one of the first times they had ever seen him come close to breaking down.

"Oh… Tobi…" Konan's eyes were brimming and she went over to Tobi, wrapping her arms around his shaking shoulders. More than a month had passed since the first attempt and still, nothing made sense. Deidara wasn't getting better and Sasori was getting worse; no one knew why, no improvements were made. Things were falling apart, collapsing, and they couldn't do anything. And that hurt more than anything else, knowing they were powerless.

"I think," Kakuzu said, an attempted lighthearted tone in his monotonous voice, "We should strap Deidara down to the bed. Because the minute he wakes up, he's going to try to get out and look for Sasori."

"Well," Zetsu said, smirking, "I don't think even a prison cell is going to deter him from that, now would it?"

**11:14 PM, December 24**

_ "W-what do you mean, transition to death?"_

_ "Sasori," the brown haired woman continued to smile calmly, peacefully, her brown eyes twinkling with kindness, "You were in a car crash. Silly boy, did you need your mother to remind you to not run red lights?"_

_ "I…" Sasori paused and stared at her, his mind reeling. All those memories came back: the tape, driving, confessing on the phone, being hit… "I… I'm dead?" he asked weakly, feeling his heart sink. He didn't want to die, not yet. He wanted to see Deidara; Deidara had to know, he absolutely had to. He wasn't sure if the brat heard his voicemail but even if he did, he wanted to see the blonde's face. He didn't want to die until he knew Deidara wanted to live._

_ "No, not yet," she shook her head, "You're on your way though. Sasori, you're hardly alive anymore. You're in surgery right now and the doctors aren't sure of your chances. I'm here to help you slip away peacefully, so you feel no pain."_

_ "I… can't…"_

_ "Hm?"_

_ "I… I can't go with you, okaa-san," he finally managed, clearing his throat, "I can't leave yet. There's still something… I have to do."_

_ "Oh?" she tilted her head, a habit she had when she was still alive. Sasori remembered being a little child, watching his mother as she talked. She would tilt her head when something was of interest and her brown hair would always softly slip and she could tuck it behind her ear again, a smooth, soft gesture that was fitting of her._

_ "Deidara…" the redhead answered, looking away, "I have to save… Deidara."_

_ "Ah," she nodded thoughtfully, "Deidara's going through a hard time right now, no? I've been watching over you, Sasori," she added when he stared at her, "A mother knows all, you know. I also know that you're in love with him. Which, I have to say, I was expecting," she added as he flushed and covered his face with his hands. She laughed at his reaction. "Sasori, you are so cute!"_

_ This was the only person that would ever be allowed to pinch his cheeks and get away with it, Sasori decided._

_ "So, tell me why," she continued, watching her son rub his cheeks irritably, temporarily forgetting her real reason for being here, "I always did like Deidara… he seemed to be everything you're not. And a very bright boy and quite charismatic."_

_ "He's…" Sasori faltered then laughed softly, surprising his mother because she remembered him as seldom laughing, "…a brat. A real brat. Loud and rambunctious, obnoxious and impulsive, unpunctual and stubborn. He seems to epitomize everything I'm supposed to hate. But then we became friends… and then we became best friends. And then I told him everything. About you and about the childhood I can't remember and… he's never… he's never judged me or tried to use that against me. Even in our worst arguments, he never sunk that low and brought any of that up to make me feel bad. He's loyal and he's honest and he's always there for me when I need him, someone I can depend on. So I don't know… when I fell in love with him. But I did and when I realized it, I was in way too deep."_

_ When he looked up, his mother was smiling so softly, a true smile that only a mother could give her son, the smile that he missed so dearly. It suddenly crossed his mind to stay here and be with her forever; ever since her death, Sasori couldn't stop thinking about her, just as he had told Deidara. And now here was his chance to be with her. Would it be that bad, really, to just give up now? He could easily stay here… forever, with his mother. A quick, painless death._

_ "And do you know how he feels about you?"_

_ But that would hardly be fair to Deidara._

_ "Yeah," Sasori paused again before continuing, "He… he feels the same way. That's why I ran that red light. I had to see him. I didn't know if he did something stupid again but even if he didn't, I wanted to tell him that… that I love him. Even if things don't work out, I want him to know."_

_ "You don't want to leave him, do you?" she asked in a soft voice, watching her son's expression. He looked so happy when he was talking about Deidara, an expression that she hadn't seem much these few years as she watched him from up above. She watched him grow up and fall in love and regretted not being able to be there with him in person. But just seeing him happy was enough; she had done something terrible and she had to pay for it. "You want to save Deidara from himself and you don't want to leave until he's been saved."_

_ "I do," Sasori said then frowned and looked up, "But… what if I can't? What if I can't salvage him? I've tried so hard, okaa-san, and I just… can't. Nothing I do has worked and he hasn't gotten any better. What if… what if I'm supposed to let him go and find his own happiness? I feel like I'm just making him more miserable by forcing him to stay alive… and I feel he's only alive because of me and I don't want him to live for me, I want him to live for himself. What if he's beyond salvation?"_

_ She frowned and looked at him carefully. "Are you saying that you want to come with me, Sasori?"_

**3:45 AM, December 25**

Deidara had actually been conscious for quite a while, just choosing to pretend to remain unconscious as he eavesdropped on his friends, deciding he just didn't have the energy to converse with them. But now they were all asleep, all sprawled out either on the floor or the couch in makeshift beds, trying to drift into an uncomfortable sleep. But that wasn't the reason Deidara was up and about, sneaking around the hospital. When two nurses had come in to check up on him, he heard them say that Sasori was out of surgery and in the ICU.

Deidara knew his way well enough around the hospital to navigate from his room to the ICU without getting lost a single time.

But when he entered, he felt like the breath had been knocked out of him, just standing by the door, looking at Sasori lying in bed. He closed the door quietly and made his way over, hardly breathing. This was Sasori, but he couldn't believe it. He had nearly died while on his way to Deidara's, leaving that voice message. This was because of his tape, this was because of all the tapes. He was actually in love with Deidara, something the blonde could hardly believe. He was so incredibly in love with him that he did something so utterly moronic.

_Is this what it feels like to stand in front of the person you love more than life itself, watching him so close to death?_

Deidara was shaking as he looked at Sasori, hooked up to numerous machines, like he couldn't even breathe by himself. It pained Deidara to know that it was probably the machines causing Sasori's chest to rise and fall, it was probably the machines keeping his heart beating, it was probably the machines keeping him alive. His eyes were closed but he saw the dark bruises. He saw the red cuts interrupt the smooth, pale skin, the white bandages bulky and out of place. The casts, the blood; the very image of Death was right next to the bed. The Grim Reaper was just waiting to take Sasori's life; he was looking at Deidara with a taunting, sinister smile.

_Look,_ he was saying, _look at this. This is what you wanted. But no, you can't have it. He'll die. You'll live. It's your worst nightmare come true, Deidara._

Was this how Sasori felt as he looked at him? This pain, this confusion, this disbelief; how could this person that he loved more than anything else in the world, be so close to being gone?

_Danna, did I make you feel this way?_ _I'm so sorry. I didn't know it hurt so badly. I'm so, so, so sorry._

Sasori wasn't supposed to be like this.

Sasori wasn't supposed to be _dying._ Deidara was supposed to be dying; Deidara should be the one on that bed, lifeless without the machines. He was the one that wanted to die so much because he was too scared to keep living. He was a coward and he hated himself for it, so he wanted himself to vanish so he didn't have to live with this self hatred every day, to taint those around him, to make their lives more miserable.

But… seeing Sasori here…

The idea of living without Sasori was unfathomably painful. Just seeing him here tore him apart; how was he supposed to keep living without him? Deidara shuddered at the thought; Sasori must've felt this way when looking at him. To lose someone you love to death is unimaginably painful. To lose someone you love to death by their own hand… Deidara couldn't even fathom that.

Sasori had been hurting so much, so badly and he kept it all to himself.

Deidara clenched his fists. He would live, he decided, he had to. It just wasn't fair to do that to Sasori, especially now, knowing his feelings. Sasori had to get better and he had to live and Deidara would stay alive so he could see him. He couldn't imagine life without Sasori and now, suddenly, he couldn't imagine not living with Sasori. He didn't know if he and Sasori could be together but just that knowledge of knowing his feelings were returned was enough; that was all he needed.

_I want to want to get better,_ he thought, determination surging through him, _I want to want to "fix" myself. I want to want to be happy again. I want to want to be alive. I want to want to __**feel**__ alive. Thank you, Sasori no danna. Thank you… for salvaging me._

Because it wasn't something that was so easily done. He couldn't just decide to want to live again. He forgot how to feel happy; depression was the only thing that he had grown to know. Just that thought was terrifying; in his current mindset, how could he bear to want to live? He had to work for it; he had to retrain his mind, relearn how to be happy, relearn how to push out the negative thoughts. Seeing Sasori so close to death gave him the wake up call he needed. How would Sasori, how would everyone feel if he was dead? And as he stared at Sasori, he couldn't help but think about everything he was missing out on. It was scary to be alive, but he wanted to want to be alive again. He wanted to enjoy life again, to smile, to be happy, to look forward to new days, not endless nights. He wasn't going to give up anymore, he decided, he was going to live, be brave, and experience everything, not run away from it because that wasn't who he was. He was a fighter and he was stubborn; he wasn't a coward. He would _live._

_I will be happy. I will be alive. I will make you proud. I will do anything for you. Just… just promise me, _he reached a hand out and brushed his fingers along Sasori's, softly intertwining them, _promise me… you'll wake up and call me 'brat' again. Promise me, danna._

He lingered for a few minutes before turning around to leave. He saw figures of all his friends outside and was amused that they knew Deidara would be at Sasori's if he wasn't in his own room. He also heard the nurses, Shizune and Sakura he assumed, trying to get them to be quiet because this _was_ the ICU. But when he reached the door, he turned around and smiled softly.

_Remember danna, _he said silently, _you made a promise. And you never break promises._

**4:11 AM, December 25**

_"It's… it's not that I want to… go with you, okaa-san," Sasori said slowly, trying to choose his words carefully as he looked at his mother, "I… I haven't been able to stop thinking about you. Not just… not just how I found you. But everything. All the memories we had and the ones we couldn't. I've missed you so much, okaa-san, I can't describe it, so to be with you now would be something that I would do almost anything for. I'm just… I'm scared. I don't want to fail Deidara. I don't want to force the brat into something he doesn't want to do and if he's only staying alive, if he's only unhappy, because of me then… then maybe it's better if I just… left."_

_ He broke off and looked away, feeling chills run over him. Was this what it was like to be dead? Everything was out of his control, something he usually hated, but this time he literally couldn't do anything and that was almost comforting. He spent more than a month living life on the edge, worrying about what his actions would do, if they were the right ones, if he was doing the right thing. Now, here, he had no responsibilities. It was, he hated to say, nice. To not have to live, to not have to fear, to not have to worry; death was the ultimate escape._

_ It was quiet for several moments, broken when he felt his mother's hand take his own. He looked up at her in surprise, that sad smile wrenching his heart again. "Sasori, let me tell you my story."_

_ "When I was younger, I… I did a lot of drugs and I drank alcohol. I would stay out late and neglect my schoolwork and disobey my parents. In fact, I can hardly believe that was the person I was," she paused to laugh at Sasori's incredulous expression, "Trust me, I know, I wouldn't believe it either. I didn't want to adhere to anyone's rules or fit into a mold; I wanted to push the boundaries. I did things to fit in with those kids that were rebellious, you know? Because as a teenager, all you want is to be accepted, even if it isn't for who you are. So… I got caught up in that."_

_ "But then I met your father and… and then I changed. I stopped doing drugs and I stopped drinking; I was cutting down slowly at first, then when I got pregnant with you, I completely stopped because I didn't want anything to happen to my baby. I was a completely different person. I was quiet and calm and polite. If my old friends saw me, they wouldn't be able to believe the transformation. I really thought that life was going as I wanted. I thought I was going to finally be happy and someone loved me for who I was."_

_ "And then… the fairytale ended. This was ten years after you were born and I loved, loved, loved watching you grow up. I absolutely loved it. I never thought I would become the kind of girl that babied her child and made baby noises and acted stupid just to hear you laugh. But you were so adorable and I loved you so much. Everything was going perfectly. Your father and I were disgustingly in love and we doted on you like crazy. Sasori, you were the most spoiled baby ever. But it's all right, you were the most adorable baby ever," she laughed and Sasori rolled his eyes, smirking._

_ Her laughter faded and Sasori resumed his serious expression, watching as she began talking about, the sadness creeping into her voice again. "Thirteen years after your father and I married… we weren't in love anymore. I was still in love with him. He saved my life, you know? How could I stop loving him after that? He changed me into a better person and we created you. I loved him and you; I couldn't love one without the other. He was everything I needed to become a better person. I was so in love with him. I still am. But he didn't feel the same anymore. He loved me but he wasn't in love with me anymore. And he was kind about it; in fact, I was the one that pushed for a divorce. I didn't want to tie him down; I loved him so much that I wanted him to find his happiness, even if it meant destroying mine. My only request was that I keep you because you were my baby and I couldn't imagine life without you."_

_ Sasori couldn't help but think about Deidara and himself. He wished he could be as selfless as his mother had been, sacrificing her own happiness for his father's. But Sasori was being so selfish, forcing Deidara to be unhappy in order to make himself happy. Thinking about it disgusted him; there were people that were so selfless and admirable and then there was him._

_ "So… I began to sink into depression. I wondered what I had done wrong, what did I do to make him fall out of love with me? I also felt like I had lost myself. I had gone from one end of the spectrum to the other, barely transitioning. I don't think I ever found who I really was and that… that drove me crazy because who could love me if I didn't know who I was? Your father didn't believe me; he just said I was stressed and tired from my insomnia. This went on for a while; I kept telling myself to stay strong for you, so every time I realized my gaze lingered on a knife, or bottle of pills, or bridge, or anything for too long, I'd tear my eyes away and think about something on. Because I couldn't leave you, Sasori. You were eleven, almost twelve. How could I do something like that to you?"_

_ "The divorce was moving along readily. Your father was on a plane to a business meeting when the papers came. As I stared at them, I was shaking; I couldn't believe that everything was ending. So I couldn't sign them. I just couldn't. I needed more time. I don't know what happened to them after our deaths…"_

_ "I found them," Sasori interjected quietly, unable to look his mother in the eyes, "I remember Chiyo-baachan taking me back to pick up what toys I wanted as she packed my clothes. I saw them on your dresser and… and I read them. I pretended I didn't after seeing her reaction as she stuffed them away, knowing she'd rather not know I knew about them."_

_ She laughed, a sad laugh devoid of any happiness. "You were always bright, Sasori. Yeah, I put them on my dresser… I tried to forget about them. I went about my daily business, taking care of you, cleaning, cooking… it almost felt normal. And then… and then I got the phone call."_

_ Sasori didn't have to ask what phone call. He even remembered it, nearly eight years ago, that one phone call. He had been in the kitchen coloring when his mother picked up. It was quiet and she didn't say much, but he watched her put the phone down, stare at her hands, and break down into tears. It scared him; he was eleven years old and his mother was crying and he had a feeling something bad had happened and he didn't know what to do. He remembered that feeling of helplessness, similar to the one he felt now around Deidara. Maybe that was when his mother died, he suddenly realized._

_ "I didn't know what to do," she said, voice thick with tears as she remembered memories she didn't want to, "I really didn't. Everything was gone. My mind didn't work. I went into zombie mode for the days after that, you remember, right? I didn't cook, I didn't clean; thank God you knew how to cook, Sasori, I'm so glad that you didn't starve because I was unable to function. And then… it just became too much. Far too much. So… I ended it."_

_ Sasori stiffened and, his mother sensing this, squeezed his hands, as if that were her apology. "I'm so sorry, Sasori. I just… I just lost control for a moment. All I could think about how the one person that made life worth living was… gone. He saved my life and he was gone; it didn't matter that he didn't love me. He was dead and I would never see him again. This was the person that changed my life. And without him… I couldn't see how I could keep living. Because I used him as motivation to keep getting better, to be some kind of a trophy wife. By the time I remembered you… it was the moment between knocking the stool over and dying. I suddenly remembered you but it was too late; I didn't even have a chance to say goodbye, Sasori, I'm so… I'm so sorry."_

_ She was crying and Sasori couldn't find it in himself to reach out and hug her. Hearing this amplified the pain he had hidden; all those raw emotions flooded him. He would never forget how he had felt when he saw his mother hanging. He had come home from school and wanted to show her another perfect math test because ever since his father's death a few days ago, she stopped smiling and he just wanted to see her smile again. And then he saw her hanging, lifeless, still, swaying, dead. And he would never forget that feeling of terror, of losing something, of pure sadness._

_ "Okaa-san," he spoke again, looking up to see his mother's brown eyes brimming with tears, "I… can never forgive you for what you did. I will never be "okay" with what you did. I will never forgive you for that. But… I still love you. I still miss you. I still… I still wish you never did that. You don't have to forgive someone to love him."_

_ "Oh, Sasori," she bit her lip and threw herself on him, throwing her arms around him and embracing him tightly, "I am so proud of how you've grown up… you've become just like your father. I see him in you and I could not be any prouder of you."_

_ He relaxed and smiled, enjoying the embrace that he never thought he would be able to feel again. After a few moments, she pulled back and she smiled at him, brushing away her tears. "Sasori, the point of this is that I've regretted that decision ever since the moment before I died. All these years as I watched over you, I've regretted it and I've wished a million times over that I never did that, that I just cleared my head and pushed through. There is never a point of no return if you have someone. The only question is… are you still willing to prevent Deidara from believing there is a point of no return?"_

**7:47 AM, December 25**

"His vitals are dropping-!"

"Quick, doctor-!"

"Please, we need you to stay outside…"

"What's happening?" Deidara demanded, coming to a stop in front of Sasori's room, catching a glimpse just before the blinds were drawn. After the nurse caught Deidara after he came out of Sasori's room to greet his friends, he was checked out because he really was fine, just a bit of blood loss (which he managed to make up some excuse about.) The group was then waiting in Sasori's room, hoping for any signs of waking up, but receiving none. Deidara left to go outside and get some fresh air, hating being cooped up in that room. But when he returned, everyone was outside and instantly his heart raced.

Konan put a hand over her mouth and turned, burying her face in Pein's shirt as he frowned, staring at his own reflection in the glass window. Hidan let out a loud swear and sank down against the wall, holding his head in his hands as Kakuzu sat in a chair with his arms crossed. Zetsu was scowling and Tobi looked like he was about to cry; Itachi and Kisame were silent and looking away. Deidara didn't need anyone to tell him that it wasn't good news; he saw the doctors' figures gathering around Sasori, all sorts of machines being hooked up and taken off, syringes and needles everywhere.

"It's… it's bad," Kakuzu said, scowling, "He's usually stable… damnit, he's usually _stable._ But then he just gets these… moments where something seems to crash. And it doesn't make sense, shit, it really doesn't make sense. Because he's recovering. The bleeding is lessening, the bones are healing, even the concussion, the doctors said, are getting better. So I don't know why the hell he just randomly…"

"The doctors say it's a matter of Sasori-san's will," Tobi said, playing with the hem of his shirt, "That he has to fight to live. Physically he's all right but since he's in a coma… he has to want to come out of it. And…"

"Are you fucking saying he wants to die?" Deidara growled, grabbing Tobi by his collar and pulling him down so that they were at eye level, his blue eyes glaring daggers into Tobi's, "Sasori no danna wants to live, God fucking damnit, un! If I want to get better than he's got to stay alive otherwise he's a self righteous preaching bastard! He's going to live. He's going to fucking make it out alive!"

He let go of Tobi and the Uchiha stumbled a few steps back, eyes wide before relaxing, smiling softly. "Senpai, if you loved Tobi that much too, Tobi would die seven times and come back to life eight times for you. You… you should tell Sasori-san that," he added softly, looking away from Deidara's suddenly guilt flushed expression and realizing that everyone else felt awkward suddenly now too, "Because Sasori-san loves you just as much as Tobi does. Even more, actually. If he knows… if he knows what you just said, I'm sure he will come back. Because Sasori-san and Tobi have the same goal which is for senpai to be happy again. Tobi would do anything to make that happen. Sasori-san would do anything and more."

As Tobi trailed off, it was quiet. Everyone was scared of saying something, in fear of setting off Deidara. After a few moments, they heard footsteps and looked up to see Deidara walking towards Tobi. For a heart stopping moment, they were sure he was going to strike him, but instead he put a hand on his shoulder and smiled, a real, genuine smile that they hadn't seen in so long, one that they only saw rarely, one that gave them so much hope.

"Thank you, Tobi, un," he said, still smiling, "Thank you for everything. Danna's helped me a lot… but don't think you didn't have any part in this. You've done more than I can say and all I can say is thank you. I really do hope you find your happiness one day. You deserve to be happy, un. I'll get better. Not only for myself and danna, but also because it just isn't fair to the rest of you," he turned around to look at all of them, that smile still there and pulling at their heart strings, "I know… it seems like I'm obsessed with danna. And I am, un. But… he's not the only one that's helped me, though you may think that. You've all… had a part in saving me. And I was too stupid earlier to realize it. But now… now that my head is clearer, I can genuinely thank you all, un."

He paused and looked down and when he looked up again, everyone's expression had changed. Konan had tears streaming down her face and the others were staring at him incredulously, but with hope. Deidara laughed sheepishly, feeling his heart rate settle when the frantic beeping behind him in Sasori's room stopped, meaning he was in stable condition again.

"Thank you all," he said again, voice firm and resolute, "I want to get better, un. And I want to get better. And… it's all thanks to all of you. So… thank you for never giving up on me, long after I've given up on myself. I… I love Sasori no danna more than I can describe, un. But that doesn't mean I don't care for all of you too. I'm going to get better," he repeated, an arrogant smirk firming, "So all your efforts won't have gone to waste. I'll make you proud, un. I promise."

**Author's Notes: I have two more chapters after this! I'm trying to make everything wind down and I just hope this isn't rushing too much. I just reread this entire story from chapter one to this chapter today… well, now I have to go back to chapters one through five and proofread again and delete author's notes before I reupload all the chapters. I hope you enjoyed this chapter, reviews are very much appreciated!**


	16. liberation

**.disclaimer: don't own.**

_**.chapter sixteen: liberation.**_

_Maybe it did take a crisis to get to know yourself. Maybe you needed to get whacked hard by life before you understood what you wanted out of it._

_**-Jodi Picoult**_

* * *

><p><strong>1:03 PM, January 6<strong>

"How is Sasori doing?" Iruka asked when he heard Deidara walk in and sit down on the couch, letting the door close by itself. He stood up and walked over to the chair he was always in, smiling at Deidara who smirked back. Two days after Sasori was admitted, Deidara had come here unannounced and told him that he wanted to want to get better and Iruka couldn't have been more thrilled. It was always the hardest part to recognize that you wanted to get better and to get out of this rut, but now that Deidara realized that, he could start getting better. It never failed to make Iruka smile when a stubborn patient like Deidara would come in and decide to get better; it was honestly the best part of his job.

"Still in a coma, un," Deidara sighed, rubbing his eyes tiredly, as he spent most of his time by Sasori's bedside and left only a few times a week to either get food, go home to shower, or come to Iruka, "Still stable with momentary lapses, un."

"Good," Iruka nodded, smiling. He, just like everyone else, was worried for Sasori. They just wanted him to wake up and thank him, because everyone sensed a change in Deidara. He was more lively now, closer to the Deidara they had known before, and they knew Sasori had a major role in it. They wanted him to see the old Deidara again, just like how they wanted Deidara to see him. Their confessions were no secret; in fact, Deidara wasn't the one that told Iruka. One of his friends had, the blue haired girl, because she stopped by to drag him out to lunch. When she had told him, Deidara had flushed bright red and Iruka laughed. Perhaps that was why the atmosphere during the sessions felt different. Now that Deidara knew of Sasori's feelings, the air around him wasn't as heavy with tension and hidden jealousy. "And how are you?"

"…Better," the blonde answered after a hesitant pause, smiling slightly, "I know I say that I want to want to get better… but I… don't, un. I still want to die. I still want to disappear. I still want to cut. Actually, I do. It's so hard to try to change my mindset and I really didn't know it would take so long… when danna wakes up I want him to see the "recovered" me, un. He's seen too much of the mentally fucked up one."

"Deidara," reluctantly, the blonde looked up to see Iruka look at him seriously, "This isn't something you can just magically fix about yourself. Just the fact that you want to want to get better is a huge step. It's going to be hard, hard just to even get started. But the fact that you're willing to change yourself is a definite step in the right direction. You're never going to forget this period of your life; you're never going to love every second of life because you're human. You still have that negative mindset and you still self harm; this is all completely normal. You're not perfect, no one is. I'm sure Sasori is extremely proud and happy right now."

"I guess," Deidara said, smiling slightly, suddenly looking fatigued, "It's just… I want to be someone that danna can be proud to be in love with. Because I'm so proud of him, you know? He's… he's such an amazing person, un. I'm proud to be his friend and to be in love with him. I always tell others about how amazing Akasuna Sasori is. But me? All he can say about me is that I'm his best friend, I blow things up, and I've tried to kill myself four and a half times, un. Hardly things to be proud of."

Iruka shook his head, an amused smile on his lips. "Human feelings are complex. If Sasori loves you, and he does, I assure you—"

"…Don't tell me you knew, you bastard, un."

"I did know. Trust me, Deidara, you were literally the only one that didn't know. Anyway," he laughed as Deidara's eyes widened and he glared at him, "Sasori is proud of you, I'm sure. I can't speak for him as I am not him, but if he loves you, then he obviously is. Like he said, you have artistic talent, which I'm sure he appreciates. You've been friends for so long, that loyalty and honesty must be admirable. And your strength is something I'm sure he's proud of. If he could see you now, he would definitely be proud to be in love with you."

Deidara muttered a soft "I suppose" and reached a hand up to push back his fringe. As his sleeve slipped down a bit, Iruka saw the ladders on his arm; some were red, which meant they were new, but he was glad to see that they were smaller and less frequent that before. Most were faded pink or white, signs that they were fading away slowly.

"So, what has prompted you to do this?" Iruka asked, "Why do you want to want to get better?"

Deidara blinked and smirked, shrugging. "Seeing danna almost dead… that jolted me, un. I saw things from other people's points of views, especially his. How could I do that to him after realizing just how badly it hurts? And as I thought about what he would be missing if he died… I thought about my attempts, un. I would be missing everything about life. I was being a coward but I'm not going to be anymore. Danna used to think I was fearless and I'm going to prove to him that I am. I'm going to live my entire life; I'm going to face everything I'm scared of, live through each day, and not take the easy way out, un. And… and I want to spend as much time with him as possible. It doesn't even have to be in a romantic sense; I just want to be his friend for as long as possible because… because Sasori no danna makes me a better person, un. I want to be a better person for him and make him happy."

He heard a nod and a low hum and then silence. For once it was a comfortable silence, one that didn't have Deidara on the edge of his seat. Ever since he decided that he was going to try to get better, sessions were so much more relaxed; _he_ was so much more relaxed. Every question Iruka asked wasn't perceived as probing or accusatory, they were genuine questions to help him understand himself. He would have to start understanding himself and that was scary, reveal every bit of himself to Iruka, and that was a terrifying thought. But it was also strangely liberating. It was like he had a box where he kept everything and now he was opening it and slowly every negative thought and emotion was being pulled out and examined then discarded. Thoughts still haunted him, of course. He still craved pain, he still wanted death; he still wanted to be alone, he still didn't believe he deserved happiness. But he was willing to try and that was the first step.

"Remember our first therapy session?" Iruka asked suddenly and Deidara snapped out of his trance, "I asked you why you were unhappy. Do you think you can answer that now?"

"…Maybe, un," Deidara said slowly, furrowing his brow and closing his eyes, "I think… it was because I was afraid, un. I think everything stemmed from that. I was afraid to live so I wanted to die. I was afraid of everything so I didn't look forward to anything, which made me unhappy. I was afraid of everyone hating me because I'm such a horrible person, I was afraid of everyone leaving me so I wanted to leave them first, I was afraid… of living. I was paranoid because of that fear, un. I… felt insignificant… and worthless… and a burden and I thought I would be lonely forever. But…" he paused and smiled suddenly, a rare genuine smile, "But now I know how danna feels about me. Even if it fades eventually I'll know that at one point he was in love with me just like how I'm in love with him. And that," he looked up, the grin so childish and innocent and silly that Iruka couldn't help but smile back, "Is enough for me to feel genuinely happy, something I haven't felt in so long."

"You're very lucky, you know," Iruka said softly, still smiling, as Deidara finished, "Many people don't have someone they love that loves them back and that really helps when you're trying to recover because you know someone will always be there to support you."

He laughed, a light, airy laugh that had been overridden by a dry, caustic laugh for so long. "I know, un."

**3:14 PM, January 6**

"_How long has it been?"_

_ "Almost two weeks," she answered, smiling at his shocked expression, "I know, time passes so much more quickly here. This is all in your subconscious. Because physically, Sasori, you are fine. You're recovering well. Whether you live or not is a mental choice. It really is," she insisted as he gave her a skeptical look and she glared, "You're going to have to make a choice, Sasori. Most of the machines are taken off. It's just you breathing in a coma. Do you want to stay with me or go back? I promise you, there is no wrong choice."_

"_Okaa-san," Sasori said, looking up suddenly and feeling his heart pound as he realized something, "Before I think about that… I… there's something that I wanted to ask you."_

_ "Hm?"_

_ "My… childhood…" he started and saw her intake a sharp breath. He stopped and looked away, these words difficult for him to say, "The parts… that I can't remember… do you… do you know who was responsible for it?"_

_ She faltered, her serene smile dropping as she looked down. Sasori was growing increasingly nervous as the silence elapsed. There was no way his mother didn't know of it; he had vague memories of her screaming at someone but it didn't stop. And he finally had his chance to remember everything and he could stop living in fear, even if he wasn't sure if he wanted to know. But he thought of Deidara, how he was forced to confront mental things he didn't want to know. And Sasori was aware by now that if he wanted to move on, he had to remember; denial would only get him so far before he was struggling against the chains. When she looked up again, tears in her eyes, she was smiling sadly again._

_ "I am a terrible mother, Sasori. I'm so sorry that I wasn't able to stop him. I tried, baby, I promise, I tried so hard for you, but… but I was weak. I was scared. I wanted to help you so badly, but I… I couldn't. But yes, I remember it… I remember every moment, every night he stayed over he would come into your room … he made such horrible threats, Sasori, that I was too scared to go to the police because why would they believe such an accusation against the chief of police? That's such a stupid excuse, I'm so sorry, I was so, so, so scared though. I wanted to tell someone, but who could I tell? He was so powerful and who would listen to me, especially knowing my history? I couldn't even tell your father, how could I? After all, he was your father's brother, and your father looked up to him so much, I didn't know how to crush him, I didn't know how to make anyone believe me… but the next morning everything was normal, he was jovial and charismatic and you were smiling, God, Sasori you are so strong and so brave, I don't know how you did it…"_

_ "Wait," Sasori closed his eyes, trying to hold him together as he digested this, feeling a shortage of breath as he tried to process all this information, "Otou-san's… brother?"_

_ "I'm so sorry, Sasori, I can't even describe how…"_

_ "Were… were there others?" he asked, interrupting her because what he did remember was more than one person. She stopped and when she didn't answer, only looked away shamefully, he breathed out slowly, knowing what her answer was._

_ He clenched his fists and closed his eyes, hearing her apologize all over again. She wasn't like this before; his mother, as he remembered, was almost always kind and smiling, doting on him obsessively, making sure he was always well fed and clothed and happy. But here she was crying so much, apologizing too much. And that just seemed to humanize her. She was no longer his memory, she was an actual human being and he was able to understand her now that he was older and more mature. There was so much she had masked; so much pain that she was dealing with, just like Deidara was. _

_ So that's why his anger at her dissipated; really, she was human, and she certainly didn't have an easy life. And she tried; what else could he ask of her besides her trying? He could be angry but it wouldn't be fair. And it wasn't as if she could do anything now; it was too late and it was all in the past. All he had wanted was to know so he could stop living in fear and he got his answer. He didn't have to be wary of everyone anymore; he knew who it was, he knew who betrayed him, but that didn't mean everyone would betray him. Deidara didn't; his friends didn't. Just because he had the misfortune of knowing a group of sick bastards didn't mean he could and should let it affect him now; now that he knew who it was he didn't have to look at everyone in his life and wonder 'was it you?'_

_ "I don't blame you, okaa-san," he said finally in a low voice and she was silenced in shock as she stared at him. After a few seconds, he looked up and smiled tiredly. "It's not your fault. It was a difficult position to be in. And you tried to protect me… that's all I can ask of you."_

_ "Sasori…" she said his name and he looked up and he couldn't help but smile as he saw how proud she was of him, smiling so widely, "Deidara is so lucky to have you. I am so proud to have given birth to such a wonderful and mature son."_

**10:12 AM, January 7**

"Senp_aiiii_!"

"Shut up, Tobi, un! I'm trying to finish this! Do you realize how hard homework is when danna isn't here to be copied off of?"

Laughter went around the group at Deidara's comment as they were in the hospital courtyard, a rather nice place. They occupied four tables close to each other, sitting as couples and Deidara had been stuck with Zetsu and Tobi. It was one of those rare occasions where Deidara was coaxed away from Sasori's bedside, assuring him that he hasn't woken up in two weeks, so he won't wake up in the three hours that Deidara spent outside so he would stop looking like a vampire and vitamin D deficiency wouldn't be one of his problems.

They were doing homework, just like old times. The only major difference was that Sasori wasn't here but besides that, it was like things were back to normal. They were laughing and joking, and the quiet ones were growing increasingly annoyed by the loud idiots that needed help, especially Deidara who wasn't in class and hadn't bothered to keep up with reading for anything. Every now and then, they would think about this situation and feel off. They forgot what "normal" was anymore. The last month and a half destroyed every shred of normalcy they had and now they had to rebuild their definition of normalcy.

"Look!" Tobi had evidently caught sight of something interesting and he jumped on top of the chair he had been occupying, shaking the table and Zetsu and Deidara both glared at him for it, "_Look!"_

Obediently, and annoyed, everyone turned to where Tobi was pointing and saw an ice cream cart stop and children hoard it. Tobi looked at Konan who looked at him at the exact same time and instantly they both got up and raced over, no words needed to agree that they would get ice cream for everyone. They didn't even need to ask about flavors because flavors corresponded to personalities and they were good at figuring that out.

Deidara couldn't help but relax and smile slightly, watching how energetic Tobi and Konan were. He had almost forgotten because almost every time he saw them, they were worried and watching him. He forgot that Konan was bubbly and cheerful, he even forgot Tobi was childish and naïve. They seemed to mature so much when with him and he felt guilty for that; he was changing everyone and he didn't like how they changed.

"You know," Zetsu spoke up, interrupting the silence, "**I'm surprised you're here with us.**"

He and Zetsu had also talked. The blonde had a feeling that Zetsu did like Tobi and when Zetsu asked if they could meet up, just the two of them, he was prepared to get beaten up for making him cry. But instead Zetsu had just told him to be kind to Tobi and to not make it any harder than it had to be.

_"Tobi… he really likes you," Zetsu said, smiling bitterly, "And yeah, I'm really damn jealous of that. But I guess I can see why. You basically saved his life so you're his savior. He worships you. And… we all know you're in love with Sasori.__** Don't deny it, smartass,**__" Zetsu's personality changed when Deidara's eyes widened and his mouth opened to protest, "So… I'm pretty sure you won't be getting it on with Tobi. But… I just hope that you don't break his heart like he unintentionally broke mine. Because it sucks. It does."_

_ "…Does everyone know?"_

_ "__**And, of course, the only thing you think about is Sasori. Typical lovestruck moron."**_

_"Shut up, un!" Deidara retorted angrily, glaring but then relaxed and sighed, "I already told him that since there's danna there's no chance for anything between us. And… I'm sorry. I am. If I wasn't here, so many things would be better…"_

_ "Don't go there," Zetsu said immediately and Deidara looked up in surprise at this because Zetsu was typically laid back and nonchalant in conversations, seldom answering or interrupting quickly, "Don't say that. Yes, I'm heartbroken that Tobi's in love with you, but you being gone won't solve anything. I'd never wish you gone. No one would. __**You've got this twisted image of yourself, like you see yourself as the source of all evil or something. **__But you're not. So don't blame yourself because it's not your fault that Tobi's in love with you. I… I would rather lose Tobi's affection than lose you as a friend because," he paused and shrugged, "…Because you're a damn good friend, you know."_

_ Deidara blinked several times and smiled slightly. "Thanks, un. And… I hope you find your happiness. I told Tobi that too, un. I hope both of you are happy in the end, whether or not it's with each other. Because you're both good people and you deserve to be happy."_

_ "So do you," Zetsu added, to which Deidara laughed and shrugged, but it was evident that he didn't believe it._

_ "Tell me something honestly," Deidara asked suddenly and Zetsu looked up in surprise. The blonde hesitated before continuing to speak, scuffing his shoe on the ground and looking down, letting his fringe cover his eyes. "Is it a stupid thing to have fallen in love with my best friend?"_

_ "…Yeah," Zetsu answered, half smiling as Deidara looked up, smiling tiredly himself, "It is."_

_ "Thanks for the honesty, un."_

_ "It's what you asked for, kid."_

Thinking about it now, Zetsu still wasn't sure if Deidara would believe that he deserved to be happy. He said he wanted to get better, but did that mean he was getting better? Did he still want to die, was he still miserable? He wanted to ask but they felt like such personal questions and Zetsu had no idea how in the world to bring up such a sensitive and possibly destructive topic.

"Yeah," Kisame added, "I would think… well, even though you said… you would still want… you know, to be… alone?"

"I don't know," Deidara smiled slightly, flicking his eyes up to see Konan and Tobi get into a heated discussion with the ice cream man about God knows what, "Being with you guys distracts me, un. I still think about death, yeah," he laughed shortly when Pein opened his mouth to ask, "My mindset… is still the same as it was before danna's accident. So yeah I still want to die, I still think about how to die. But… there's also a part of me that wants to get better, un. So… that's what's different about me now. And it's when I'm lonely that I do the stupid things… so being with people," he paused and shrugged, "Being with people really does help me."

"Do you… like to hang out with us?" Kakuzu asked slowly and Deidara laughed again.

"I do, un. Just… I'd prefer to not hang out with you guys every day like I'm doing. But I don't want to be by myself because I'll fall back into old habits. If it were up to me, I'd either be holed up in my room all day or next to danna all the time. But," he shrugged again, running a hand through his fringe, "No one said recovery would be easy, un."

It grew quiet as they all took this in. Being the more serious ones of the group (Hidan was behaving today), they didn't find a need to fill the silence with words like Konan or Tobi would. The breeze blew and some papers were disturbed, a cool breeze on a nice day, the kind of days that Deidara was glad he could still experience.

"Well," Itachi spoke up and all eyes riveted to him, his dark eyes on Deidara and smiling, "We're glad that you're forcing yourself to do this. We're glad that you want to be the Deidara we know again."

A soft laugh went around and Hidan reached over, resting an arm over the blonde's small frame, grinning. "About fucking time, you know. I missed you, man. Kakuzu gets shit boring after a while."

"I'm right here, Hidan."

"See what I mean?"

Deidara laughed with them as Konan and Tobi came back, each carefully balancing five cones of ice cream. As they were passed around, two were given to Deidara and he understood that one was for Sasori. He smirked and thanked them, and stood up, telling them that he was going to leave it in Sasori's room for when he woke up. They nodded and told him to hurry back, no one even daring to say that Sasori might never wake up. Because around Deidara, everything the doctors said was banned to ever be repeated. The doctors said Sasori's chances of waking up were under fifty percent, but Deidara firmly believed that he would wake up any day now, smirking because they got so worked up over nothing.

_"It's just like how he believed that I would keep living," Deidara had retorted the first time someone tried to tell him to be realistic, "He had faith in me that every time I would wake up. So I have faith in him that'll he'll wake up, un. Sasori no danna would never break a promise or be hypocritical. Never."_

As he made his way through the hospital, absentmindedly licking his own mint chocolate chip ice cream and being sure that Sasori's vanilla (really, he was so boring) wouldn't be eaten by a child that just happened to walk too close to him, he couldn't help but drift back into his old mindset. He tried to fight it but it was so hard to fight it consistently. He tried to think positive thoughts, about living, about experiencing life, about being happy.

But he still wanted to die, he still didn't want to go through life, he still forgot what feeling happy was like. He was still scared of everything, he was still convinced he was insignificant, he was still convinced that everyone would be better off without him.

_Am I ever going to be normal again?_

_ Probably not,_ he thought as he opened the door to Sasori's room and walked over to the bed side, setting the ice cream cone down next to him and watched the redhead. Ever since most of the machines had been taken away, it just looked like he was sleeping, except the one machine that monitored his heart rate and respiration. Aside from that, he looked so peaceful and Deidara liked to think that he was taking a long, extended nap because of all the fatigue he dealt with because of Deidara.

_I don't know what normal is. I don't know what happy is. I'm supposed to be normal and happy. How can I be the two things that I don't know?_

Every time he looked at Sasori, he thought about that voicemail. He wanted him to wake up so he could ask if that was true, was it true that Sasori was really in love with him? He couldn't believe it because that seemed like something that would be too good to happen. Nothing ever worked out for Deidara, so why would something as amazing as this happen?

_But danna would never lie and he never misspeaks. _

_ Please wake up soon, danna,_ he said, reaching out a hand and momentarily intertwining his index finger with Sasori's, smiling gently, his eyes softening, his ice cream forgotten as he watched him, _I miss you so much._

**6:52 PM, January 7 **

"Tobi's scared for Sasori-san and senpai."

The other three stopped walking and turned to him, staring at him. Konan, Hidan, Kakuzu, and Kisame all had errands to run after they finished doing homework (it always took an insanely long time) and so the others were left to themselves. They had gone to a nearby café and were now returning to the hospital to go back to Sasori's room to not only hope that he would wake up but also to make sure Deidara didn't reek and was eating. Of all things, it seemed getting himself to eat three decent meals a day was one of the harder things.

"Tobi," Zetsu frowned, "Deidara's going to be incredibly happy with Sasori. We know it's hard for you to accept that but…"

"No," Tobi shook his head and bit his lip nervously, "It's… it's that… you know, senpai and Sasori-san they're… they're almost _destructively_ in love. Didn't we say that once? They're so in love and they're so dependent on each other… if something happens to one then something happens to the other too. And Tobi… Tobi really cares for senpai, he… I really care for him a lot. I know he'll be happy with Sasori-san but I'm… scared… if it doesn't work out. Because… there's no guarantee, is there?"

Tobi had a point, the other three realized. Sasori and Deidara were in love, in a kind of mutually destructive love that was terrifying to think about. Deidara had been killing himself, unknowingly and unintentionally dragging Sasori down. And when Sasori suffered, so did Deidara. This surely wasn't a healthy relationship; they fed off of each other's unhappiness and happiness. What Tobi was saying was true but, really, what could they do? Keeping them apart would do more damage than good, but letting them be together may not ensure a happy ending either. They couldn't be guaranteed a perfect end; no one knew if they would be together forever or not. What would happen if Deidara relapsed, if Sasori didn't wake up, if they broke up, if something bad happened? Feelings from the first love never faded away completely and coupled with their strong friendship, those bonds were terrifyingly strong and if something as major as a break up occurred between them, they didn't like to think what the consequences would be, considering Deidara's fragile psyche and Sasori's mental link to him.

"We have to believe that they're mature," Pein was the first to break the silence, "They love each other. That's evident. And we have to believe that because they're in love, they'll bring out the best in each other."

"They haven't been doing much of that for these past seven weeks," Itachi noted quietly and Kakuzu murmured a soft agreement.

The orange haired male sighed. "That is true. But… that's because Deidara was ill, so he wasn't in a good place. And that didn't make Sasori happy. If… when Deidara gets better maybe it won't be as bad. They just… they care for each other a lot and it seems they care more for each other than normal people would. But imagine if your significant other was like that; wouldn't you be just as distressed as Sasori was? In certain situations feelings might become twisted, rare situations like this one. Remember back when all this hadn't happened? How they acted? Weren't they normal? We have to hope that they'll be like that."

"Tobi doesn't want to hope!" the younger Uchiha said immediately, clenching his fists, "Tobi knows Sasori-san will do a good job but I just can't put all my trust in him this easily because he hasn't been doing a perfect job of helping senpai through this! What if… what if he suddenly decides it's too hard and stops? What's going to happen to senpai?"

"I know it's hard to trust someone that much," Kakuzu said and shrugged, "But that's all we can do. Deidara doesn't trust any of us nearly as much as he trusts Sasori. He doesn't want any of us as much either. Sasori is the only person that will give him the strength he needs to get through this. "Trust is a scary thing," Kakuzu added with the tiniest of smiles, "You feel you could do a better job than Sasori could. It's hard to let go of Deidara even if you've said that already. We know. And we empathize. But all you can do is trust in Sasori. I mean, Deidara keeps saying that Sasori's kept him alive for these last four or five years so the kid's obviously been doing something right, hasn't he?"

"It's not like you're going to lose Deidara forever," Zetsu added, walking over and putting a hand on Tobi's shoulder, to which he looked up in surprise at, "He's still here. He's still with us, and that's the most important thing. So what if he and Sasori are going to be together now? They've been together forever; it'll probably feel the exact same. He'll still be your senpai. He loves you, Tobi. He does."

"He's just in love with Sasori-san," Tobi said softly in an echo and smiled sadly. "Tobi always wanted senpai to love him. Tobi never realized… that he does."

"Look, it's hard, okay? To have to give up on someone you're that in love with," Zetsu said, "Trust me, I know. But we'll help you. You helped Deidara, you know, by telling him. You told him that someone cares for him that much, that someone is capable of falling in love with him. And that, I think, really did help him. You helped to save his life. Even if he doesn't love you the way you want him to, you can't deny that you're important to him. Sometimes you have to let someone you love go. It's all for the best. You can't choose who you fall in love with," he added in a much quieter and softer tone, even smiling a bit, "It's up to fate. And then fate decides if that person is your soul mate or not. It's a gamble and sometimes you get lucky and sometimes you don't. But eventually, you'll find that person."

Tobi blinked a few times and then relaxed into a soft laugh. At that moment, he felt liberated, like someone freed him from his chains. He finally thought that he would let go of Deidara after realizing that he hadn't permanently lost him and that Deidara did love him, which was what he had wanted all along. And he had so many other people that cared for him so much and, Zetsu was right, things didn't always work out. But they would eventually, sometime, somewhere, somehow. All he had to do was wait for his happy ending because it was coming, it definitely was.

_Thank you,_ he closed his eyes, sending his gratitude to all his friends, _thank you to everyone. To senpai, for being there for me to fall in love with. To Zetsu-san, for still being my friend even after I broke his heart. To Sasori-san, for making senpai happy in a way I can't. To Pein-san, for always talking sense into me. To Itachi-san, for always being my big brother. To Kakuzu-san, for listening and never getting angry. To Hidan-san, for always trying to make me feel better. To Konan-san, for being my big sister. To Kisame-san, for being kind to me, no matter the circumstances. Thank you to everyone; thank you so much._

He finally seemed to have finished this chapter of his life about Deidara. Starting four years ago to now, it finally ended. He had found the closure he wanted and it felt so good to finally let go and begin to move on, to find his own happiness, knowing Deidara had finally found his. If Tobi's happiness was with someone he knew already or not, he looked forward to meeting that person.

"Hello?"

"Crashing," the voice came through on the phone immediately and they recognized it as Deidara's and he sounded frantic, "Danna's crashing, un. Again and it's really bad, I don't know why and I'm scared as hell, I don't know if he's going to make it, _fuck, _I don't know what happened or why…"

"Okay, we'll be right there," Pein said curtly and hung up, and without a word, began to sprint, the other three following him, adrenaline speeding them up. They weren't too far from the hospital but it felt like they were; with every step they took, they couldn't help but feel it was a step closer to bad news. They had all assumed Sasori would wake up but deep down, they knew the actual statistics: the longer someone was in a coma, the less likely he was to wake up. But they never said that because they wanted to believe.

A chapter had just ended for Tobi and he prayed that it hadn't just ended for Deidara too.

**7:11 PM, January 7 **

_ Sasori jolted and he looked at his mother, heart still pounding. He had felt this a few times but never this bad; the other times it was like a twitch but the one just now felt like someone had electrocuted him. "Okaa-san…"_

_ She nodded. "You're not stable, Sasori. Your vitals drop sometimes and that last one was the lowest. You have to make a decision soon."_

_ He looked down; he had been holding his mother's hand almost the entire time, her small, slender hand fitting in his perfectly, her skin so soft it was baby like, so pale that it was even whiter than Sasori's. _

_"Sasori," she smiled, tears brimming her eyes as she looked up again and he looked up too, "I just want to say this before you decide. I am so sorry that you had to be the one that found me. In that one moment of weakness, I lost myself and I forever regret that. I regret leaving you and your father and leaving everything behind because I now know that things __**do**__ get better. It wasn't fair to you and it still isn't. You love Deidara and he loves you. Whatever you choose, there will be pain, but you have to choose the one that means more to you. I want nothing more than to spend all the time in the world with you, but I know you're in love with Deidara and he's the one that will make you so happy that you can't believe it. I promise you, Sasori, love is everything, every disgusting thing, that you can think of. It's perfect and you will love it, you will love being in love with Deidara and knowing he loves you back. It's a wonderful feeling and if you choose him, I hope you help him to keep persevering. He wants you with him, I know he does, because you are his savior. Deidara is a wonderful boy and I would love to get to know him even more now that he's grown up, but… but I don't want him here for the same reason I am. I know it's a hard choice and there is no wrong one. Choose the one that'll make you happy."_

_ But Sasori didn't know what would make him happy. Was he supposed to leave Deidara? Leaving Deidara meant giving up on him; he would be happy with his mother but Deidara wouldn't be. He might be driven to another attempt and he would actually succeed this time. Or was he supposed to leave his mother and go back to the world where nothing was guaranteed? He couldn't guarantee that he would save Deidara but if he stayed here, he would guarantee that he would be with his mother. Sasori always calculated risks and took the solution with the least, but suddenly he didn't care about calculations. These were the two most important people in his life and he had to choose between them, choose which one to leave and which one to join. Choosing his mother would be the safe way out; the least amount of pain because he wouldn't have to deal with another possible failure on his part, he wouldn't have to see Deidara hurt anymore._

_ He couldn't do that to Deidara though. He couldn't give up on him after all this. He couldn't just choose to die, choose the ultimate goal that Deidara had been so desperately trying to attain. He would be a hypocrite and weak, just what he didn't want Deidara to be. Sasori still swore that Deidara's happiness would be found in life and he still wanted him to find that happiness. But he was so scared of keeping Deidara alive longer because it seemed the longer he was alive, the more depressed he became and the happier he would be if he could just die. But every time he thought that, Sasori would reprimand himself. He wanted Deidara to be alive because being alive meant so much; it meant, literally, everything. He wanted Deidara to experience happiness again, to smile and laugh with genuine joy. He would do anything to see him be happy again, absolutely anything, so he had to go back._

_But he didn't want to leave his mother. All he had wanted ever since his mother's death was to turn back time just so he could spend more time with his mother, the sweetest and most caring woman he had ever known. And now after hearing just how much she went through, he wanted to be with her even more, feeling like it was his responsibility to make up for what he wasn't able to do back then. She suffered by herself and he felt terrible that he just sat there, not knowing anything, not able to help her. And now he wanted to help her because he felt he couldn't help Deidara, he tried so hard and for so long but nothing was working, maybe at least he could help his mother and know that he wasn't a complete failure that he really could help someone he cared for._

_He looked up again at her soft smile, her brown eyes, her kind expression and felt his heart sink._

"_I could never leave you again, okaa-san."_

**.author's notes: i'm always shocked to see new readers, hahaha, because i would be so intimidated by this word count. to both new and old readers, thank you so very much for reading this story, despite its extremely lengthy chapters. next chapter is the last, so i hope you enjoyed this one. reviews are always very much appreciated!.**


	17. the end of the storm

**.disclaimer: don't own.**

_**.chapter seventeen: the end of the storm.**_

* * *

><p><em>Once the storm is over you won't remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive. You won't even be sure, in fact, whether the storm is really over. But one thing is certain. When you come out of the storm you won't be the same person who walked in. That's what the storm's all about.<em>

_**-Haruki Murakami**_

* * *

><p><strong>8:04 AM, January 8 <strong>

"Where's Akasuna Sasori?"

Deidara had awoken alone, jerking awake on the couch. As he sat up and rubbed his eyes, he saw his friends scattered in the cafeteria, each being in charge of getting a different food item. They weren't paying any attention to him, which was good, and the blonde used this golden opportunity, having a feeling that they had taken turns watching him nearly the entire night to make sure he wouldn't dash off. Without any hesitation, Deidara immediately threw his legs over and got up, quietly making his way to Sasori's room, remembering being forced to take a cup of hot chocolate which suspiciously tasted odd and knocked him out.

He supposed he could understand why. After all, yesterday night he had been an absolute wreck. He usually managed to stay composed when Sasori was, for a lack of better term, "dying," but last night it was different. It was worse and he wasn't stabilizing and sometime around ten or eleven, the doctors said they had to operate on him. That was about when Deidara started hyperventilating and having some sort of a panic attack and had been fed the drink, just taking it from Konan's hands and drinking it.

But now it was morning and he still knew nothing; either no one knew anything or no one was telling him anything. So he had to go see for himself; he couldn't wait for his friends, he couldn't wait to find a nurse, he had to see it for himself, whether or not Sasori was there, whether or not he was alive, whether or not he was awake. As each day passed, every beat of his heart felt more painful. Anxiety was eating him alive; he just wanted to see Sasori and talk to him, something that had been so easy to do in the past and now so nearly impossible to do.

He wished he didn't take advantage of all those opportunities that had graced him in the past; Sasori was willing to talk to him but Deidara refused, not relishing it, not making use of it. Now all he wanted to do was talk, to pry himself open and to show himself to Sasori, every last ugly bit of himself, but he couldn't and he was terrified that he would never be able to. Every day it was getting harder and harder to not take his own life; he would admit that he had thought about it and actually held the blade to his wrist, stood a bit too close to the edge of the platform at the subway station, stared at a bottle of sleeping pills for too long. But he stopped himself just in case_, just in case_, Sasori would wake up.

For once he was living for hope. He fed off of that hope, he lived it, he breathed it, he thought about it all day. It was scary because he didn't want to be crushed, but he couldn't help but believe in that tiny sliver of hope. Belief was a terrible but beautiful thing and Deidara was finally willing to take that change again, to believe when he shouldn't, to believe when it might kill him.

But for Sasori, Deidara would do anything, try anything, no matter the risk to himself.

When he finally reached the door and threw it open, a gust of wind came at him. The windows were open and curtains were moving gently, the air not as stuffy as it was before. A nurse was there but the bed was empty; she was replacing the sheets, a white expanse that Deidara remembered staining several times in the past. The machines were gone, the gifts were gone, Sasori was gone. His voice was shaking when he asked his question and the girl turned to him, arms in midair as she was folding one of old sheets, her large eyes blinking a few times before answering with a single word that had so many meanings and that Deidara didn't want to hear.

"Gone."

**10:27 AM, January 8**

_"Gone."_

The nurse's voice echoed in his head as Deidara stared up at his ceiling, laying on his bed. When he heard the word, it was like his mind shut down to prevent emotions from overflowing. Immediately, he had turned around and just walked out of the hospital, not stopping when he heard his friends call out his name, asking him where he was going. He felt his phone buzz and ring with texts and calls but ignored them all, focusing only on getting home and being in solitude. He didn't want to speak or see anyone right now; he wanted to go home and think about this, ponder that word, to break down in private if he needed to.

Gone.

He berated himself; he should have calmed himself enough to ask her to elaborate. What had she meant by 'gone'? It was such a disgustingly ambiguous word; it could be temporary or permanently, literally or figuratively. A mystery. It was a mystery and Deidara hated mysteries.

He tried to argue with himself that it may not be 'gone' as in death, that the nurse said the first word that popped into her head to explain Sasori's lack of a presence in that room. That 'gone' literally meant _gone_, as in he had left, checked himself out, went home. But that didn't seem to fit; why would he do that, especially if he had surgery last night (Deidara was knocked out before he was taken into the operating room but he assumed that Sasori had the surgery)? He tried not to think about it because it made his heart wrench, but he couldn't help but wonder if it was him; did Sasori endanger his life just to avoid Deidara? Was that why he left early; he didn't want to see the blonde that badly?

But then while he was thinking this, a small voice in the back of his head would laugh at him.

_You really think he's still alive, meandering out there somewhere? He's dead; he's gone; he's not here anymore. He died, just like how you wanted to die. You killed him; if you didn't make those tapes, he wouldn't have rushed over here, he wouldn't have gotten into that car accident. You killed him, you're the only one to blame, you killed the one person that loved you, the one person that had the ability to make your pathetic, miserable little existence a tiny bit better; you killed him, you killed him, you killed him._

He felt a wave of nausea come over him and he immediately got up and sprinted to the bathroom, dropping to his knees and lifting the toilet seat, watching last night's meal (or rather, last night's liquids) come back up, pain in his throat, that same invigorating, exhilarating pain. He wanted more, he thought as he wiped his mouth with the back of his hand, he craved that pain that made him forget everything else.

_**You killed him.**_

He squeezed his eyes shut and brought his knees up to his chest, resting his forehead on his knees as he tried to take deep breaths and calm himself. He craved pain so badly; he didn't even need a razor, just his nails were enough…

But he couldn't; he couldn't revert, not now. He swore to get better for Sasori; he was done being weak, done being scared, done being the old him.

_What's the point, though? Sasori's gone; you don't have anyone you have to show off for anymore. Just do it. Just a little cut. And then maybe another. Come on, it'll help you feel better, I promise. You want a distraction, don't you? You want somewhere to look to know where this pain comes from?_

_ Besides, you killed him. You think you can be normal ever again, knowing you killed your best friend? He had so much to live for, you know, and now he's dead. You think you deserve to keep living, to one day smile again, to be happy, to laugh? And he was in love with you; you think you deserve to try to move on from him, to maybe even like someone again? That's disgusting, you pathetic coward._

_ You don't deserve to live._

_ Here, take that razor._

_ Cut into your arm. Make several cuts._

_ Bleed to your death, you disgusting whore._

"No…" Deidara brought his hands up to his ears, trying to block out that voice, the one that was coming back louder than ever, "No… no, no, no, no, no, _no!_"

Sasori wasn't dead, he tried to reason with himself as he opened his eyes, wide and terrified, he wasn't, it wasn't confirmed, no one had told him that.

But that voice wouldn't shut up; he just wanted it to _shut up_, he thought as he reached on top of his sink and picked up the razor that he had left laying out, just wanted the go to sleep for a while, maybe permanently, to never hear the voice again…

He just wanted silence and silence was unattainable until you were dead.

His hand was shaking as the blade neared his wrist, old scars and fresh cuts still visible. He almost laughed; he had really deluded himself into thinking that he could get better, he deluded himself into thinking he deserved to get it. It was a grand joke, just like his life.

_This is your fault._

_ Here, punish yourself._

_ Do it, bitch._

And then a rapping came at the door.

Startled, his hand stopped and he looked out the bathroom, towards where the sound was coming from. It was quiet for a few moments and then the person knocked again, slowly, steadily, calmly, patiently. The blonde hesitated before putting the blade down, feeling like someone just jerked him awake. He stood up and walked over, deciding the least he could do to thank whoever it was for saving him from doing something stupid was to kindly tell him to go away.

"Sorry you had to come all this way but _leave_, damnit, there's a reason I haven't been answering my phone. I know you're worried but…" he had begun speaking before he even opened the door, taking his time to undo the lock, and his blonde brow was creased in annoyance. But when he yanked the door open to give the person a glare, the annoyance disappeared and he felt his heart lift and contract with anxiety at once.

The redhead held up a hand and smirked.

"Hey brat."

**Last night, 8:47 PM, January 7 **

_ "…But I would never leave Deidara," Sasori continued, bowing his head, feeling guilt claw at him, "I'm so sorry, okaa-san but… I can't stay. I love you but I'm so in love with him and I just now realize that no matter how futile something seems… you don't give up. I don't know if anything I can do will help him but I can't give up because… because I can't let him slip away without doing something."_

_ He fell silent and couldn't bring himself to look up at his mother, even when he felt her hand on his, a soft, warm presence. He wondered what he would see if he looked up; would she be angry? Sad? Confused? He wouldn't blame her for feeling those; he had always believed that family came first, no matter what, even after he realized he was in love with Deidara. But now that he was here with his mother, he found that he still wanted to be with Deidara more. He loved his mother but he was in love with Deidara, he wanted to be with his mother but he had this need to be with Deidara that was so ravenous._

_ His mother symbolized his past; her death was such an impact on him and what she told him about his childhood was something that haunted him for so long. And being here with her was like being stuck in the past, trying to stop time, go back to when he was still with her, when he still remembered everything. And Sasori didn't want that; he never liked the idea of staying in the past but before this he couldn't get out of it. He wanted to live in the present and look forward to the future and Deidara was that, Deidara symbolized the future, he was that ray of hope, that beacon of light._

_ He had to be with Deidara. Deidara was the sole person that Sasori was inspired by in order to keep moving forward, to not be bogged down by the past, by events that hurt him so much. And Deidara did all that for him without knowing it; he was there all the time, he saved Sasori's life so many times, he was so kind, so deserving of love that now Sasori wanted to love him as much as he could, as long as he could. He wanted to make Deidara happy, he wanted to help him get better, even if it seemed futile, even if it wouldn't work in the end. He knew the possibility of losing Deidara was strong, that Deidara was right when he said that if he wanted to die, he would. But Sasori was stubborn; he never let something go without a fight and he was willing to fight to the death to keep Deidara alive. _

_ If Sasori staying here with his mother meant that Deidara would live, he would do so in a heartbeat because anything, anything to ensure Deidara's life Sasori would do. Anything to keep him alive for a bit longer in hopes that he would have that epiphany that Sasori prayed would come at any time. But he knew that if he stayed with his mother, that wouldn't ensure Deidara's life. If anything, that might hinder those chances, and so he couldn't stay. He still had things to say Deidara, he had to explain the voicemail in person. He couldn't let those words be heard once from a machine; they had to be face to face so Deidara would understand._

_ "Sasori," she said quietly, "Please look at me."_

_ He looked up slowly, fearful of what he may see in the expression of the mother he loved so much. He was expecting distaste, anger, confusion, sadness, tears, but he saw a smile, a hopeful, angelic smile that was genuine and that he was surprised at. Because she had every reason to be heartbroken, to be angry, but she chose to smile—why?_

_ "Deidara is so very lucky to have you," she said softly, "I wish I had someone like you when I was suffering. Because all we want is for someone to listen, for someone to care, even if we don't realize it, that's eventually all we want. I wish I had someone that cared for me this much, that loved me this much. It's scary, trust me, I know it is. Deidara is scared and lonely, and he doesn't realize that things will get better. But you will help him, Sasori, just being there for him, constantly reminding him that you are there for him will help him realize he's not alone, that things will and do get better. You love him. He loves you. Love is the single strongest emotion and to share that with someone is euphoric. Along with love comes trust; Deidara trusts you because he loves you, he trusts that you won't betray him, that you won't leave him. Once he realizes that, once he accepts that you want to be with him forever, that's when the cloud will lift. It's not something you can do, Sasori, but you can help him; it's so much easier to realize things get better if you have someone with you."_

_ She paused and smiled, leaning forward and kissing him on his forehead, bringing back memories of him being sick with a fever and feeling his mother's cool lips and instantly feeling a bit better. She pulled back and smiled again, tears in the corner of her eyes._

_ "I love you, Sasori. You're growing up to be such a fine gentleman; that's so cliché, I know, but it's true. You're kind and you're loyal, you're honest and you're confident, you're persevering and you're caring. You are just what Deidara needs. I'm so happy that you're in love. I want you to be happy, Sasori, and I know that your happiness lies with Deidara as his lies with you. I'm proud of your choice and I support it. It just isn't your time yet, and that's okay."_

_ And she began disappearing; the solid body began to become transparent as she spoke, her voice echoing. Sasori wanted to reach out and grab her, to stop her, but knew he couldn't; this was his choice and he had to stand by it. He closed his eyes and smiled half heartedly as she continued to fade away, her last words echoing, as he felt a gust of wind, or her mother leaving him again._

_ "Goodbye, Sasori. I love you."_

**Present day, 11:13 AM, January 8**

He was alive.

That was the first thought that ran through Deidara's mind, relief expanding through him. He scanned his eyes over Sasori, as if he wanted to make sure that this was real, not some kind of a holograph or impersonator. There was the brilliant and fiery red hair that was his trademark, bed head style with strands grazing the top of his eyes. There were his half lidded honey brown eyes that seemed to be permanently smirking, a deep brown that Deidara loved to lose himself in. There was his smirk, the signature Akasuna Sasori smirk that defined him. But there was the pale skin, the cuts, the bruises, the bandages; there were the bags under his eyes, the fatigue that was obvious. There was a loss of weight, a loss of radiance, a loss of energy that was understandable but confusing; why would he be here if he was that tired? Why was he not in the hospital, if he wanted to see Deidara, why didn't he just wait there?

"You look like you've seen a ghost," Sasori remarked dryly, raising an eyebrow. "I promise, brat, I'm real."

He was alive, and Deidara couldn't believe that. The voice, the voice that had been so loud in his mind earlier, was gone now and he couldn't believe that it had nearly driven him to suicide earlier. Sasori was alive; he had jumped to conclusions, the worst of them, but he was alive and he couldn't even begin to explain the relief that he felt.

But he still had questions.

"Why…" Deidara had to stop and lick his lips, "Why… did you leave the hospital? Before… before letting me see you? Are you… angry at me?"

The question caught him off guard. Sasori's eyes widened momentarily before he relaxed, letting out a sigh. He looked down and smiled slightly and Deidara noticed that his hand clenched around a plastic bag he had with him. "I'm not angry at you," he answered in a low voice as he looked up tiredly, "It's just that… our relationship is different now, you know. The past few times it feels like I've been seeing you in a hospital bed after nearly losing you far too many times. I don't want our relationship to be defined by that anymore, I don't want that to be the norm, seeing each other for the first time after one of us nearly dies? I don't know what we are now," he shrugged, "But it's different. I don't want to start this new relationship with that kind of a meeting."

Deidara visibly exhaled and relaxed; he had been so worried that he had done something to anger Sasori or to drive him away. He suddenly felt a sense of déjà vu in a way, was this how Sasori felt when waiting for Deidara to wake up? This anxiety and this horrible waiting game? And suddenly he felt guilt override him; he had been so unfair to Sasori, always making him wait, even though he hated waiting. But the wait was over and now they were reversed. He wanted Sasori to wake up for so long but now that he did, he didn't know how to act around him anymore. A thousand questions were in his mind but he couldn't ask any of them; his tongue wasn't working and his throat was dry. But the last part of what Sasori said, that he could ask about.

"What are we?" he asked, raising his gaze to meet Sasori's, "Now, I mean. We're not… just friends anymore, un."

The redhead sighed again and closed his eyes, smiling and shrugging slightly before opening his eyes, a gaze that was piercing but soft at the same time and sent chills down Deidara's spine. "I don't know, brat. I really don't."

They stared at each other quietly for what felt like forever. Deidara swore that Sasori could hear his heart beat rapidly; his palms were sweaty as he curled and uncurled his fingers around his door handle. Sasori looked tired, so tired, he should invite him in, have him rest, scold him for not being in the hospital, for being stupid, for risking his health; he wanted to elaborate on the tape Sasori heard, he wanted to say everything he wanted to say that night, he wanted to ask if Sasori meant what he said. All these thoughts were a whirlwind in Deidara's mind; he wanted to explode from all these thoughts but couldn't open his mouth to let them out. All he could do was stare.

"Here," the redhead was the first to break the silence and he coughed, wincing slightly in pain as he held up the bag, "These are your tapes. …It's about time I return them."

_The tapes_.

As Deidara took the bag, he felt oddly nostalgic. It felt like such a long time since he began looking for them and the memory of him realizing that Sasori had them was hazy and distant. He felt so much had happened even though only a bit over two weeks had elapsed since he found out about Sasori's accident. That felt so far embedded in the past, feelings that he thought would never leave him, anger that drove him almost insane. He looked at them; even the idea that he was going to kill himself and attempt it multiple times was far away. He still had those feelings but the execution… he couldn't bring himself to execute those thoughts anymore. Which scared him because getting better was still terrifying but it meant he was getting better, as Iruka said, and getting better was scary. Even that last attempt was so hazy, like he couldn't believe he had done it, like he was under a trance.

"Er…"

Deidara looked up immediately, hearing Sasori. He faltered for a moment before looking at the blonde, a lopsided smile. "I know this is sudden but… do you have time? I want to go somewhere… with you."

**11:37 AM, January 8**

"You think the idiot's gone to find the other idiot yet?"

"Aw," Konan smiled brightly at Hidan, putting a hand over her chest at his sudden irritated glare, "You care about them!"

"Shut up, penguin!"

"Penguins don't have blue hair."

"In cartoons they do!" the silver haired man countered, trying to hide his rising flush but Konan just continued to smile and behind them, Kakuzu chuckled lightly at the fact that Hidan had to resort to cartoons to try to win an argument.

"Admit it," she teased, smiling wider and more genuinely than she had for several weeks, "You care about them."

"…Well," Hidan muttered, crossing his arms as he leaned back against the couch of the café they had moved to after leaving the hospital, "Who wouldn't? After these past two fucking months? They better get together. They better fuck."

"Not everything's about sex, Hidan…" Kakuzu murmured and stirred his cappuccino, "I just hope they sort everything through and don't just dive in and go about this recklessly. The idiots better have a plan."

"Considering Sasori is part of this, they really might have a plan…"

"Tobi thinks we should go stalk them!" the red eyed boy piped up and everyone eyed him warily, their "no" unspoken but communicated telepathically and he deflated, frowning. "Tobi wants to make sure Sasori-san takes good, good care of senpai."

Pein smirked as he picked up a napkin and held it out to Tobi, a silent message for him to wipe his mouth because he still had crumbs of the pastries he had been eating earlier. "We don't even have to worry about that. Did you see Sasori's face last night as he was leaving? He's going to take good care of Deidara in his own way. I don't know how and I don't know if I can even imagine it but… I think they're going to get their happy ending. It took a while but… they're going to get it."

Tobi stared at him and looked down at his hands, smiling softly, recalling the private conversation he had with Sasori after everyone else had left the room.

_ "Thank you."_

_ "…Huh?" Tobi turned around, blinking and staring at Sasori who was looking at him, physically tired looking but eyes looking determined. "…Did Tobi do something for Sasori-san?"_

_ "Thank you for reminding me to fight for him," Sasori said quietly, "I got so used to having him around that I forgot that I could lose him at any time. But you reminded me of that and reminded me to really appreciate him. So thank you."_

_ The Uchiha blinked a few times before he chuckled lightly, scratching the back of his head awkwardly. "Make senpai happy, Sasori-san, okay? Because that's what Tobi wanted to do. But since he can't, he hopes you'll do that for him."_

_ "I'll try," when he looked up, Sasori was smiling so softly, the expression that would only appear in his eyes when he talked about Deidara, "I'll do anything to make him smile."_

Ten minutes after Deidara had been put to sleep (Pein's quick thinking), Sasori woke up; literally ten minutes later. The doctors had come to tell them of the news; as they had been rolling him to surgery, he woke up suddenly, fully conscious and annoyed that they were going to cut him open. When the nine of them crowded around him Sasori just groaned and waved them all away, telling them he'd explain later, that he just had to get out of the hospital before Deidara woke up for reasons that he, as he said again, would explain later.

Kakuzu tried to talk him out of it but after Sasori gave him a glare, the older man relented and said he would fill out the paperwork.

"Konan, your face looks like it's going to break," Kisame's blunt words brought Tobi out of his daydream and he, as well as everyone else, all shifted their gazes to look at Konan who was still smiling. The blue haired girl shrugged, the smile still holding strong.

"I can't help it! After all this it all ends like this, so perfectly! They're going to get together and they're going to be happy; it's like we made it through this huge, horrible storm and the most beautiful rainbow is now here. And I like to think we're all different people now; we're all better and stronger after going through this, not just Sasori and Deidara. Because when you really think about it, this was a beautiful thing, wasn't it? Maybe it doesn't seem like it, but it's changed us for the better and it's brought us closer, and that's what's beautiful about it."

Quiet murmurs went around the table and Tobi blinked. Everyone was different and that was so true; this event changed everyone, showing him that sometimes things just weren't meant to be and he hated to take his fate into his own hands. He smiled and looked down at his hands; that chapter of his life with Deidara was over and Tobi was starting his new one, a blank page with a fresh pen, and he had a feeling he knew how he wanted to start it.

"Zetsu-san!" Tobi stood up, surprising everyone, and Zetsu stared at him, eyebrow raised.

"…Yeah?"

"Tobi would like to take you out on a date!"

As it fell deathly silent and everyone just gawked at Tobi, Itachi laughed dryly. "If either Sasori or Deidara just said that, maybe half of this wouldn't have happened."

**11:56 AM, January 8**

"The old hideout, hm?" Deidara asked, smirking as he followed Sasori. Once they had begun crossing a large grass clearing in the park, he had known where they were heading but he didn't want to say anything; they didn't say much as they made the journey from his house to the park, as if they were lost in their thoughts. Deidara, who was behind Sasori, couldn't stop staring at him. Everything was different but it all seemed the same; he wanted a confirmation that it had happened, some kind of physical proof and he thought if he kept staring at Sasori, he would get the confirmation.

But all he saw was how hurt Sasori was. He saw the wince in Sasori's expression every once in a while, the limp that would hinder his walking, the deep breaths that indicated this was taking a toll on him. Deidara wanted him to stop; he wanted to say they could go back to his place or sit in a café or something. But he also knew Sasori would object; once the redhead was set on doing something, it would happen. He couldn't help but smile slightly; maybe deep down Sasori knew Deidara would get better just because he had decided he would and Akasuna Sasori was never wrong.

"Haven't been here together in a while," Sasori commented after coughing a few times and sitting down against a wall and Deidara took a seat across from Sasori against the other wall. Somehow, for some reason, there was a huge hole in a tree, like someone had carved out the inside. The tree was still alive, which they found miraculous as first graders until they learned about xylem and phloem later in biology in high school, but it was still good news; it meant that this tree wouldn't be cut down any time soon because it was still healthy and still growing. When they had stumbled upon it by chance, they immediately set to work covering up the entrance and making sure they were the only ones to know about it. They had planted seeds but then realized it would take a long time so they then found twigs and leaves and created a pile. It didn't work well; they had to redo it every time they came, but eventually their seeds grew and the plants covered the entrance fairly well.

It wasn't a huge space like a cavern but it was quite large; it was tall enough for them to stand in, but that wasn't saying much because they were both rather short. They could fit in it comfortably enough but now that they were older, if they sat across from each other, as they did now, their knees would occasionally brush. But it wasn't cramped; it was comfortable and cozy, more than enough room for one of them to stretch his legs out. They still came here, although separately, because it held so many memories; this was where they felt they really began to get to know each other better and so it was kind of a sacred ground.

"Danna, are you all right?" Deidara asked suddenly, frowning in concern as Sasori began coughing again, his wince making Deidara wince because he absolutely hated the idea of Sasori in pain.

"Yeah, I'm fine," the redhead pounded on his chest a few times, still wincing, as he took out a water bottle from his backpack which had held the blanket Sasori had pulled out earlier to set out on the ground so they wouldn't be sitting on the nature and everything about it. He took a few deep gulps and closed his eyes, Deidara watching anxiously and relaxing when Sasori seemed to feel better.

"You shouldn't have left the hospital so early," Deidara muttered, glaring lightly, "You could've told someone to tell me to not visit, un."

"Brat," Sasori couldn't help but smile as he looked at him, a weary look, "We both know you would've beat up whoever it was, even if it was Hidan, and come barging into my room anyway."

The blonde had no response but rolled his eyes and looked away irritably, knowing that Sasori was, as usual, completely correct. He crossed his arms and he drummed his fingers along his right arm, chewing on his lip and looking down. "…I really thought you were gone, un."

"You did?" Sasori asked softly and Deidara nodded. He heard a sigh and looked up to see his friend shrug and smile almost apologetically. "I did too."

Deidara didn't say anything but when Sasori looked up, his blue eyes were wide and he looked absolutely terrified and confused, so much so that Sasori felt guilty for his words and immediately tried to retract him. "I mean, I didn't _want_ to die. I didn't want to leave you, not after… you know. I just… I was with my mom. I saw her, I mean. In the afterlife. Kind of. I was in a transition state, I suppose, and I was with her… and we talked and… I just couldn't see myself leaving her because I've missed her so much and I finally got to see her again."

"What did you talk about?" Deidara asked softly, relaxing and looking at Sasori calmly. It surprised him that Sasori was with his mother; he had always imagined death to be… well, death, where everything stopped. The fact that Sasori was with someone seemed to ruin that ideal death for him but he chose to ignore that; it was probably because Sasori was unconscious, not dead. _Thank God for that._

He was also surprised because Sasori was _here_ with _him_ and not _there_ with his _mother._ Did this mean that Deidara was chosen over Sasori's mother? The idea gave him butterflies and made him feel so happy but he tried to squash it, not wanting to jump to conclusions. He knew how much Sasori's mother meant to him and the idea that Sasori decided to come back for him instead of stay with his mother… that idea made him ridiculously happy and thankful.

"Everything," Sasori answered after a moment of hesitation, shrugging again, "About why she committed suicide. About how she regrets it. About my childhood. And she told me who," he added quietly, not bothering to tell Deidara what 'who' referred to. And he didn't need to, he heard a small 'ah' from Deidara and he knew that Deidara understood completely. And he was also thankful that no questions were asked about the matter; Deidara still knew it was a sensitive topic, one that Sasori still wasn't comfortable talking about even after knowing the person. "And…" he paused again, "…She asked me if I wanted to stay with her and come back. And I… I almost did stay with her, to be honest. Because I miss her so much and coming back… I felt like I was doing more harm than good to you, so I was scared to come back and possibly make everything worse. But after listening to her, it reminded me to never give up on the person I'm in love with, no matter what, no matter how bad or hopeless it seems. And you're the future. She's the past. And I want to move forward." Sasori paused again and smiled slightly, looking down, feeling Deidara's intense gaze on him. "I can't leave you, brat, no matter how hard I try. I'll always come back to you. Always."

"…So you do?"

Sasori looked up in the surprise asked in such a soft, timid voice that he wasn't sure if it was really Deidara. The blonde was looking at him, almost peering at him nervously and when it fully occurred to him what the question was about, he felt just as shy, just as awkward. He smiled slightly, which seemed to help put Deidara at ease. "Yeah. I'm in love with you. I really am."

Again, Deidara was quiet but he had a small smile on his lips and a soft expression in his eyes. He was happy to hear that, so happy, but he didn't know how to tell Sasori and he hoped that the redhead could just sense it. Because they were good at sensing things from the other; words couldn't explain this feeling, no matter how many he used.

"I'm getting better," the blonde said suddenly, looking away as he concentrated on a spot on the blanket and he began picking at it, feeling Sasori look at him, "I'm not better, per say. Actually, I'm basically still the same, un. Still depressed, still suicidal, still unhappy, all that. But… I want to get better. I want to want to live. So… I think that's a good thing, un." He faltered and heard nothing and instantly flushed, bringing his other hand up to awkwardly brush at his bangs, a habit he had. "Sorry, that's stupid, you probably don't care about something like that especially because I could relapse any time and—"

"No," Sasori said calmly, interjecting softly and he was smiling when Deidara looked up in surprise, "I do care. And I'm glad because wanting to get better is the first step, isn't it? It's better than when you didn't even want a will to live."

Deidara blinked a few times before relaxing and closing his eyes. "Yeah, that's what Iruka says too. You had a really big part in it, danna," he added quietly, "I don't know if you think you do but you really did. If you weren't here… I would be dead. So thank you… for staying with me, un. You could have left after the first time because I know it must've been so hard and so frustrating. But you didn't and you kept trying to be my friend and you kept saving me repeatedly and… I'm not blind," he paused to laugh slightly, "I saw how much it was hurting you and I feel so bad about that. But now I want to get better. And maybe one day I'll be normal again. Or maybe not. But… the fact that I'm here in this mentality right now is because of you. So thank you," he fell silent and looked up, a small smile, "Thank you."

"You give me too much credit," Sasori muttered, looking away but Deidara saw the slight flush in his cheeks, "I wasn't always that patient."

"You're never patient, un."

"Exactly."

"Danna, you were the best a friend could be," Deidara said, looking amused at Sasori's humbleness, "It's hard and most people would have left. But just the fact that you stayed and you tried to help and you offered to listen is more than what most people would have done. And you were genuine and you didn't sugarcoat anything. You were saving my life every day, un." It was quiet again and when Deidara finally looked up, Sasori was looking at him with an odd expression that seemed to be expressionless but Deidara knew it wasn't, yet he couldn't identify what it was. But Sasori was moving forward; he wasn't sitting with his back against the wall anymore and Deidara had a feeling he knew what was going to happen and his heart rate accelerated.

"Brat, you know I hate waiting right?"

"Yeah, un."

"You have no idea how long I've waited to do this," Sasori barely breathed before he leaned forward and had his hands on either side of Deidara's face and his lips were pressed to the blonde's roughly, a hungry, passionate kiss that Sasori thought he would never be able to experience with him. It still felt like a dream, knowing that he could kiss Deidara any time and the blonde wouldn't reject him, that he wouldn't be disgusted.

Sasori couldn't count how many people he had kissed but he knew that none of the kisses ever felt like this. At times he would berate himself for being in love with Deidara, his best friend, of all people; that seemed like a recipe for disaster and he couldn't believe his stupidity. But at times, like now, he was so glad because it felt so right and it felt so perfect. He knew who Deidara was and Deidara knew who he was; they knew so much about each other that they didn't have to put on a show or anything.

And this kiss felt so natural, so eerily calm, like he was meant to do this, something as normal as breathing but as exhilarating as sky diving. It felt so perfect, so right, like the eye of a hurricane, the single saving grace he had experienced in these times of madness. _I'm in love with you,_ Sasori thought, heart beating furiously, _I am so in love with you._

"You know, I was planning on a kiss after we finished this long overdue heart to heart, danna. You really are impatient, un," Deidara breathed when they broke apart for air. His eyes were still closed as he was talking but he was smiling; somehow, when he was this close to Sasori, he liked to keep his eyes closed, knowing that the redhead was just a few centimeters away. It was like he was dreaming, feeling Sasori's presence there, and opening his eyes would ruin it.

But then he would remember, as he opened his eyes and grinned, that he didn't have to worry about waking up and losing Sasori because this was reality, it was finally reality.

"You of all people should be well aware of my impatience," Sasori said in a low voice that sent shivers down Deidara's spine. He felt Sasori move away and was disappointed but then felt the redhead sit down next to him and felt his hand right by his, his pinky hesitantly brushing against Deidara's then he linked their pinkies together, like in a promise. They weren't really holding hands but they were doing something; it seemed so innocent and so gentle. He had been closer, much closer with much more skin to skin contact, with other people but he felt closer to Sasori than anyone else right now.

"Don't tell me you kissed me just so you could move next to me, un."

Sasori laughed and Deidara couldn't help but smile. Sasori laughing was something so rare that when it did happen, he couldn't help but smile. "It made the transition from one side of the hideout to the other less awkward, yes."

They fell silent again and stared across the hideout, against the wall where Sasori had been earlier. They made out distinctive lines that eventually formed into words and Deidara smirked, remembering carefully carving them in with Sasori when they were younger. "Remember when we first found this place? We were sitting just like this, un," he motioned with his other hand, "Side by side, staring at that wall."

"Then we went over and wrote in it," Sasori continued for him, "Because we wanted to stake our claim." The redhead pushed himself up and made his way over to the other side on his knees and pulled out a Swiss army knife from his pocket, the one that he had received from his father. Deidara knew how important it was to Sasori so he kept it with him always but he never saw him use it until now. He blinked and watched in fascination as Sasori traced his fingers over a smooth area next to the old carvings before he set to work and the blonde squinted, trying to see what he was writing in the dim light.

_Akasuna Sasori._

Sasori stopped and turned around, a crooked smirk on his face as he offered the knife to Deidara. The blonde blinked before laughing softly and crawling over, taking the knife and carving his own name next to Sasori's in the smooth wood.

_Iwa Deidara._

The redhead took the knife back and carved in the date and stepped back to admire their handiwork. It was a mirror of the first carving made the first time they were in here as kids, barely old enough to write.

_Akasuna Sasori_

_ Iwa Deidara_

_ September 6_

_Grade 1_

The handwriting was scraggly and the strokes were uneven and there were scratches where they had made mistakes in their own names and had to start over.

_Akasuna Sasori_

_ Iwa Deidara_

_ January 8_

_College freshmen_

The handwriting was smoother and the strokes were much more even, looking like it was something more handwritten than unevenly carved. The lines were clean and smooth and no mistakes were made; the same words in a different scenario, together still but as more than friends. They sat in silence and stared at it, trying to think back to when they were first graders, if they had any inkling that they would be where they were now, that they would go through all that they had gone through.

"I kind of miss that childhood innocence we had," Deidara commented quietly, smiling halfheartedly, "When our biggest issues were not having the right shade of red to complete a drawing."

"When we were worried about girls having cooties."

"Well, we only worry about that half the time, un. Not too bad."

"I've missed your dry wit," Sasori said and he heard Deidara chuckle. They were against the wall again, staring at the opposing wall. If he tried really hard, he could hear Deidara's breathing and that reminded him that he was alive and he was eternally grateful for that; he had been scared to wake up and learn that Deidara was gone, that during the two weeks that passed, he had given up.

But he hadn't. He was alive and he was even getting better and that made Sasori know he made the right choice. He had found himself looking upwards while walking here, wondering if his mother was watching, if he had made the right choice, and now he had his answer.

"You know," Deidara broke the silence and Sasori turned to look at the blonde who was still looking straight ahead, "Through all of this I feel like I've lost myself, un. I don't know who I am anymore. I know that sounds dramatic but… I do. I don't even know myself, I don't understand my mind, I don't know why I want to do what I want to do. And I still can't believe that you're in love with me," he added in a lower voice, casting his eyes down, "I mean, danna, you're… Akasuna Sasori. When you almost died, I just feverishly wish that I was the one gone and not just because of the suicidal thing, un. You've got so much to live for; you have such good grades, people looking at you and expecting greatness, a bright future, and you're kind and you're loyal, and you're talented and…" he paused and laughed dryly, shaking his head, "I don't know why you'd waste your time on someone like me when you could literally, literally get anyone you wanted. You deserve someone that's as flawless as you are, someone that can make you happy. I'm not… _good_ at being happy, un. I really don't know how anymore. And I can't make you something that I don't know how to be."

"Your arrogant humbleness is something that I find complicatedly fascinating."

"…What the hell are you talking about?"

Sasori smirked. "That. You're humble but you're arrogant about it, which is perfectly fitting to your personality. You're an oxymoron, a combination of them, and you're a huge paradox, and I love puzzles, I love paradoxes. You're not two dimensional; you're complex and a mystery, and you'll never cease to fascinate me. I can tell you things about you. You're Iwa Deidara, and you're nineteen. You're a college freshman with me and you're smart, you really are, but sometimes you don't apply it to your studies. The scar by your left eye? Received from protecting Tobi, someone that you secretly love as a little brother but pretend to hate. You love bakudan and I don't understand why. It's hard to earn your trust but once you trust, you trust wholeheartedly and without a single doubt. You're an artist and you sculpt, you forced yourself to become ambidextrous so you could work from any angle. You keep your nails at that exact length in case you need to use them to make markings; you love warm colors. If you want to know anything else, I can tell you, but as for who you really are, I can't tell you that because no one's sure of that. We're all empty shells, trying to figure out what defines us, what makes us truly human. I don't know myself. You don't know yourself. I can't help you and you can't help me; we have to figure it out ourselves but we can do that together."

"And," he added, eyes softening, "You don't have to know how to be happy to make me happy. I don't know how to be happy either. I'm good at being unhappy."

"Oh yeah?" Deidara smirked slightly, "I put the 'un' in unhappy."

"…Clever."

"Thank you."

"You don't have to be good at something to do it," Sasori said, "Like… I'm not good at being in love, but I'm in love with you. I'm not good at listening, but I try to listen. You don't have to be good at being happy to try to be happy. I'm not good at it either but I want to be so… we can not be good at being happy together and see where that leads us."

Deidara stayed quiet and Sasori just stared at him, wondering what could possibly be going through his mind. "What's on your mind?" he asked quietly, seeing Deidara stir slightly at the question.

Deidara sighed and looked upwards, contemplating Sasori's question. He saw the roof of this small hideout; he always imagined that if he cut the tree in half vertically the hideout would be a tear shape. It was weird to think he was inside something living; the tree was missing such a huge part of itself but it was still alive. He frowned and made a low humming noise before looking at Sasori, a mischievous smirk on his lips. "I haven't gotten laid in a long time, un."

The redhead stared at him before rolling his eyes and laughing dryly. "That's not really what I meant, brat."

"Well you asked, un. And it's _true,_" he added, "I don't feel right doing it with someone else if I'm thinking of you the entire time."

"Are you always this brutally honest?"

"Only with you because you're my best friend, un," Deidara smirked at Sasori's eye roll. He sighed and closed his eyes, resting his head on Sasori's shoulder. "I'm tired."

"I know. You did well," Sasori added in a quiet voice and Deidara couldn't help but smile slightly when he heard that, "You stayed strong and fought. You did well."

"You'll be here when I open my eyes, right? This isn't a dream? I've got abandonment issues, un. You can't leave me."

Sasori laughed and Deidara's smile widened hearing that. "I won't leave. I promise." He felt Sasori pull his hand away and he missed the contact of their pinkies. But then he felt Sasori's fingers all entwine with his and he felt so much closer to him and his heart leaped a bit, before it settled back into a calming rhythm because being with Sasori made him feel safe and comforted. Sitting here with his head on his shoulder in the hideout, he felt calmer than he had in a long time and for once he didn't think about dying; all he could think about was right now, and how he wanted to stay like this forever.

He didn't know what was going to happen next because life was unpredictable. He didn't know if tomorrow would bring joy or sadness, serenity or anger, amazement or boredom. All he knew was that he had made it through six tumultuous weeks of his life and he had emerged stronger, different, and _better._ He had survived his own treacherous mind more than once and knew he was never lonely and he would never be lonely again.

And that was a good enough reason to keep living and smiling.

**.author's notes: i've been ridiculously excited for this chapter just because of the quote; i thought it fit so perfectly for the story.**

**thank you for all reading this story, it's certainly been a different kind of story than i'm used to writing, but i have enjoyed writing it. any reviews would be very much appreciated, and i hope to see you all soon again :)!.**


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